So I'd be leaving...

Well everything's set and me and my cousin will be flying out this Tuesday for Manila. She wanted to catch the same flight, and good thing we found one where we can fly together considering she's leaving from Colorado while I, from Virginia on the other hand. We're finally good to go though we were having second thoughts here and there about coming.

I had to let the people at work know that I'm gonna be taking an emergency leave. At first, had a bit of an issue trying to get a plane ticket and my boss sort of, let the higher ups know what was going on. I didn't realize what was going on behind the scenes, but come to find out, they were actually gonna cover the plane ticket. Thing is, it would have to only be with Northwest and when I stopped by to check for any flights I could take, the earliest one they had was on the 12th. I really didn't want to get a flight with them either, since I'd have to fly directly to Manila from Detroit. With going commercial, I'm gonna be able to spend a night or so in California which is just what's going to be happening. I'll stay one night in LA, then wait for my cousin to come in Tuesday and fly the same day. On my way back, will be making a stop in San Francisco for a few days.

I really wasn't considering stopping at my dad's but my stepmom's voicemail kinda made me want to go see them now. Ended up crying a bit before I went to bed just listening to her message. I WAS gonna try to get some sleep. However, I had to come by work to sign documents saying I'll be going on emergency leave etc etc Figured ok, I'll just have to sign and go right back home and sleep. But that wasn't the case. Ended up staying around for three more hours trying to figure out a game plan for my leaving. I was really surprised they were gonna cover the cost of the trip, well parts of it at least. What ended up happening is I pay out of pocket and will get parts of it reimbursed when I get back. If they did, great, if not I'll live. I really wasn't expecting that from them, but it was thoughtful of my squadron to do so. After getting that done, I just went back to the house and tried to get some sleep. But with it being two hours away from the start of my shift, I was a bit nervous about not waking up on time.

So now, 5 am and 36 hours since I've been awake, it was taking a bit of a toll. I got to take a nap for a bit in the conference room. Before that though, I was actually taking care of customer requests on our inbox. One of them was from a lady who needs one of her users to have permission to a mailbox. I did give him permission, and wrote back to her saying it's been completed. I didn't know how lack of sleep can really do, until I saw what I sent to her:
He's been given permission f it. Watched y ou struggle oldie.. there's :P
I can't even imagine what her reaction would be seeing something like that. Just laugh it off, or tell on me.

So will be packing up later on today after waking up from my much needed sleep. Still debating whether to get a backpack since the luggage that I'm thinking of getting is just about the size flight attendants use. I'll be pretty much gone for two weeks, making stops in Cali to and fro. Doubt I'd get to go to Castro and all hehe, but oh well. I'd live. I don't think my mom works in the financial district any longer so really no excuse to be leaving with her in the morning and wander around until she gets out in the afternoon. I'll be staying with them only for three days, and just went on a little panic mode right now wondering why I'm stopping in the bay area after all.. Hmmm

Have a good weekend!

One day they're here...

Might be a bit of a downer to some, sorry...

Got a phone call around 8 am, but didn't get to pick my cell up until after the caller hang up. Waited for a voicemail, and there it was. Message from my aunt saying my grandfather just passed away this evening (morning for the U.S, night time in the Philippines) Tried calling her back but I realized they had their phone number changed just recently.

So went ahead and called my grandma's cell and my cousin picked up, saying that my Tatay (it's actually Lolo and Lola for grandparents, but I call mine Nanay and Tatay which equivalents Mom and Dad) died. I just started crying while she went yelled out for my mom since I was on the phone. We were talking and was quite surprised that she was calm, and didn't start sobbing at all. She's the drama queen of the family, well crier would more describe her, so that's quite something to listen to her tell me what happened and not cry. I felt like a child again when she told me not to cry anymore, it's his time and it was probably for the best so that he wouldn't suffer any longer. It really was a shock since the doctor said that he had about 3-6 months at least and yet, it happened not even a month later. She let a distant relative of ours talk to me for a bit, though I kinda chuckled listening to him. He KNOWS that I spoke Tagalog and has even met me in person before, but yet there he was English spokening asking if I'd go home since my Tatay's dead. I haven't actually considered going home at this point.

So hang up the phone with my mom, and texted my cousin asking her if she's heard.. "heard what?' so just went ahead and called her and explained that I got a voicemail and everything saying Tatay's dead. She said no, she didn't know yet but will go ahead and check if her mom knows. She called back saying the line was busy so my Tita Akang (in Denmark) is probably talking to her by now. So went ahead and called my other aunt, Tita Marrissa (in Norway). She picked up and just started crying when she knew that it was me calling. I was laying when I called, but sat straight up listening to her 'Couldn't he have waited until the weekend!!' "I told him we'll be there soon enough!' 'Dee, he's gone!!' Those were pretty much the words that was coming from her. She said she just got done talking to Tita Akang which was screaming, wailing seems more fitting, after learning of my grandfather's death. Being told those things are just what broke my heart. It didn't hit me completely until after this conversation. My uncle got their flight scheduled changed so they'll be flying out tomorrow instead of this Saturday.

She mentioned she hasn't spoken to my Aunt Fely (in Florida) so went ahead to do a three-way. It appeared she knows about it already since her first words were "Dee, patay na si Tatay." (Dee, Tatay's dead) I told her that my other Aunt was on the line too, so sat the phone down and let them talk for a bit. The earliest my Aunt Fely could leave was on Monday, and they won't arrive til Wednesday so that's gonna be one loooong flight. I hope they can have it changed and book an earlier one. My cousin started crying so Aunt Fely told my Tita to go ahead and tend to the kid so did just that, and they said their goodbyes to each other, and to me.

I was chatting with my friend Caleb too, and ended up telling him what happened. It was a bit odd saying this kind of things through IM's so talked to him on Skype. Had to talk to someone since I just didn't wanna bottle it in. He's a good friend, we started talking about other things so that made me smile and laught at least. I mentioned that I was supposed to go have lunch with somebody today, and not so sure if I'd still want to go. He said it might do me good, take my mind off of things even for a bit. So just didn't cancel the lunch meeting. It ended up not materializing though since the guy wanted to just grab some food and bring it by my place. I said I'd prefer meeting him outside today, but guess he didn't want that. Well, he's been over once but good thing he forgot where I live haha

So I was still skyping with Caleb, but had to get off to answer my cell since somebody was calling which was probably my aunt. And sure enough, it was my Tita Akang. She was joking, and everything since she said, she didn't want to be gloomy talking to me. She's trying, though she mentioned she about smashed her head in the kitchen table after she got the text message about this. That she dropped the phone right after and blacked out for a bit. I thought it was kinda stupid texting something of that nature to people, but it just is waayy cheaper than calling long distance.. from the Philippines at least, to the rest of the world. I really thought that was funny, picturing her smashing her head. That made me laugh since that's just what she was trying to do. She's gonna be flying out either this weekend also, or come Monday to go back home as well. She asked if I'd be going too but told her I'm not quite sure yet. I might have to check with the chain of command if I could go without doing all the paperwork that comes along with it. Normally, for servicemembers to go, you have to submit all this documents that has your information. Who you'll be going with, where you're gonnabe staying, the reason of the visit, the current terrorist threat level, amongst other things. The plane ticket cost too.. It's a little bit over a month's salary grrreat. Everybody's been saying they'd understand if me and my cousin end up not going (She's in the Air Force at the moment too) but I know they'd prefer otherwise. It'll be a bit of a reunion as well, since some haven't seen each other since 1997. This will be the first time all the siblings will get together so that'll be really nice, despite of it being an unfortunate time. Seems some of them are handling it well, saying it was probably for the best. I thought heh, they're grown, they'd manage without me having to come. Now, I wouldn't want more than anything but to just be there for them.

Damn it

Someone was gonna move in temporarily in the spare room that I have. We've agreed already, but now he's probably gonna try to move some place else. My car got towed on our way back from showing him around, and now he went to check out some other place. The towing fee was freaking $95!!!!! I was trying to be nice but I guess that doesn't work. My neighbor could have tried finding out who was in their spot, and ask me to move but nope, they just went ahead and called it in anyways. Fuckers.. From now on, there's no more Mr Nice Guy. I'll call in E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E somebody else is in my spots Assholes!!!

Everybody's changing....

That's what I thought, but maybe it's me. Read this

A friend mentioned to do something good for your mom, no matter wherever she is. So did just that, though the most I can do is pick up the phone and call. I really didn't speak to her for long since I was just getting annoyed by her questions. How's this or that friend doing..Have you had dinner yet. Have you spoken to so and so lately, How's work, typical conversations between mother and son. I really was trying to be nice, just answering nicely to every questions, but seriously hearing those questions about drove me nuts. I'm not sure what's been happening, but there's just this whole shift of emotions I've been dealing with lately. I have to let this all out somehow, so hence here I am writing about this, writing as I go along with whatever comes to mind.

My mom was in my grandpa's house, so with that, my grandma, so is my aunt, my cousin and everybody else will be there. I spoke to them real briefly, the usual how are you, i'm fine, happy mother's day. Then called another aunt later on the day (well morning since Europe's ahead) and for a sec, I got close to being happy about calling them up, like I usually have been on different occasions. Guess last weekend wasn't one of those days. I called two other aunts, and was sorta glad it was the machine that picked up and with the last one, I think she was in a chatty mood but I wasn't so five minutes through, told her I'll go get some sleep since I'm tired now yawn. She probably felt that I was lying (which I was) since she hasn't called ever since. We're just starting to know each other. I'm sure it'll be real nice to develop a relationship with the other side of the family, but at times, I'm not sure if I'd be up for it. On my good days, I get all excited about that but get apathetic on some days and just think why even bother, things are just fine the way they are.
After I got to meet my dad's family the first time, it made me happy. It was one of those things that I can say I was dreaming of my whole life, what it was like to meet them, to actually interact in person, more than just letters and phone calls. I remember crying about it growing up, wondering if they even loved me, and if they actually cared that I existed somewhere in the world. Apparently they did, so I guess that's something though they never were there to back the claim up. I suppose I have conditions on how to be loved, but who doesn't really? I try not to but it's a bit hard. I can't say I love someone and just leave it at that. Not ever calling or writing them. I've gotten better at it, but it was hard, not picking up the phone, not calling my friends to see how they're doing. It happens though so guess that it's just part of life. I'm getting to a point where I'm okay with it, finally after being close to 23.

Getting back to last week, I had to take a promotion test on Monday eventhough I was off from work. It lasted for about 3 1/2 hours but it was kinda good in a sense since I got to talk to some guy I sorta knew, but not really. To learn about our job as a 3C... we have to go to what is called technical school which lasts for twelve weeks down at Biloxi, Mississippi. There's usually new batch of people coming in every week and I found out I arrived after he did two weeks prior. He looked familiar but I wasn't able to pinpoint from where so I just didn't say anything, but I guess that's good he initiated the conversation. It's not like we'll be hanging out or anything because of it, he just got tied down, errr married, two/three months ago and work in a different shop so yea...that was that.

I had an actual weekend off for a change so that was nice though I ended up not getting to come over to my friend's house since I slept through Friday night. I tried staying up during the day, but only managed 'til about 2 pm. So fell asleep, set the alarm for 6 pm, but didn't wake up til 3 am the next morning. Saturday,
I hang out with S (oh well, I'm naming names okay) over the weekend and he showed me around Williamsburg. That was the first time I actually did something touristy here in Virginia since arriving here months ago. I've been too lazy to go anywhere, unlike before where I got on the train pretty much every weekend back in Japan. I took some pictures as you'll see on that link so, I probably will be found. I actually put a picture, but got scared so took it down, put it up again, then down but here for those some who hasn't seen me. That pic was taken this time around last year, morning after spending the night out and about, staying at a capsule hotel which oughtta be tried at least once (I stayed twice)

Today (well Tuesday morning) my Speech class started and it's been good so far. I was having second thoughts about taking a class since we're still working 12 hrs, and I am on the night shift. So after getting off, I'd have to stay up for about three more hours. It's only for eight weeks so I should manage. The teacher's pretty funny, so that should help make the summer session go by. We actually got tricked this morning. The teacher was going to be a bit late since he got help up in traffic so 0830 rolls, and some guy walked in and mentioned that he's gonna be our new teacher, calling himself with a Yugoslavian name and everything. He went on, about how the previous teacher hasn't been performing up to the school's standards, etc etc and so him, being part of the board, decided it'll be best to let go of our teacher for good. It was a bit of a shock. He went on and told us his expectations for us students, and how he really wants us to do real good in learning, and so we'll be doing 16-18 speeches during the 8-week run of the class. You can just hear the sigh throughout the students, and we were probably thinking the same thing.. WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO!!!? I know I was, I was just like shit, why'd I even bother taking this class. Mannn, it's supposed to be easy, it's the summer session!!!

He told us a bit of his background, and it wasn't until he later let us on the fact that he's really our teacher, and just messing around the whole time. He's actually Brit, though he's been living in the US for quite sometime now. He's taught classes back in California as well. I just sat there amazed when he told us his background and that he has four degrees, four effing degrees!! That's awesome... I just need to figure out how he went about getting his. Working full time, and taking night classes? Going to school full time or what. So first day of class was good so far. I just need to come up with two topics by Thursday for an informative speech we'd have to give soon. Was thinking of doing Arrested Development and don't know what else yet. Guess I'll sleep on it and hopefully come up with something by tonight.

100 i's

Since it's quiet here at work, figured I'd try this out in less than an hour. Just typing it up in random

1. No one really called me Kris until I moved to the US in 2000
2. I was called by my last name the whole time before that
3. Family and close friends call me De (though they often write it as Dee)
4. My favorite color is blue
5. I am patient
6. I don't get annoyed easily
7. I still consider myself an only child, despite of having a half-brother
8. I had no idea what he looked like until I met them in the US
9. I didn't see my dad in person until I was 16
10. We only spoke on the phone the whole time before that
11. I missed him though I'm not sure why, I did not know who he was
12. I believe there's good in everybody
13. I often rely on the kindness of strangers
14. I got lost in Tallahassee and ended up hitchhiking to get back to FSU
15. I didn't know that thumbs up was the sign for it until weeks later
16. I was in FSU to attend Boys' State
17. I barely spoke the first two years I moved to the US
18. I had good command of the language,my accent was what bothered me
19. I smiled a lot junior and senior year to compensate for it
20. Smiled a bit too much I got nicknamed 'Smiley'
21. I sometimes act like I don't know my mom when we go out and about, she'd strike conversations with about anybody which freaked me out
22. I stand far, far away when she haggled for things
23. I am of mixed heritage, Filipino and Black
24. I identify with my Asian side more (my friend described me Blackish)
25. I enjoy reading
26. I have a box full of quotations, short stories and jokes
27. I was born on this day in July
28. The first sushi I had was in Japan *yum yum
29. I had my first beer at 19
30. I love English
31. I treat people the way I want to be treated
32. I'm never rude to people in the service industry
33. I worked at McDonald's my senior year in high school
34. My coworkers freaked out when I don't utter a single word for the entire shift
35. It made me chuckle on the inside
36. I got offered a bj by a lesbian coworker ( I didn't take her up on it)
37. I had my first one when I was 15, though I still considered myself a virgin after that
38. I have a notebook's worth of sayings, though it's just a duplicate (gave the original to a guy I've never met)
39. I still think about him often and wonder how he's doing
40. I was gaga over his voice and I loved his middle name too, Rivers
41. I have three best friends back in the Philippines, one other gay guy and two lesbians (i used to have a crush on one of the girls, can see why it didn't work)
42. Out of us four, I'm the only who hasn't been in a relationship
43. I'm happy for them, but why can't that be me *le sigh
44. I'm a bit reserved the first time I meet somebody
45. I'm an introvert, but possess extrovert traits
46. I've met up with people from online on a whim
47. I like talking on the phone
48. I took on a girl persona and became phone pal with my teacher's son (Codename: Tricia)
49. I don't like leaving messages on answering machines, yet hate it when people don't do so
50. People tell me I'm funny even when I'm just talking to them (dunno if that's a good thing)
51. I usually bring a backpack/messenger bag everywhere I go (feel naked without it)
52. Some of my favorite shows are Arrested Development, Family Guy, Strangers with Candy, Spaced, The Office,
53. I know some of the episodes by heart and slip one-liners in conversations with people
54. I thought Tracy Chapman was a man (you gotta admit, she sounded like one. Love her though)
55. People fascinate me
56. I cry easily
57. I'm pretty jumpy (My friends make it a point of seeing it in action)
58. My favorite dessert is leche flan or just flan as some people know it
59. I got close to eating a whole galloon of cheese-flavored ice cream when I was 12
60. I always won soda-drinking contests
61. I got punched in the right eye when I was in the 4th grade
62. When I secretly wish that a person would become my friend, it usually happens (yes, even online)
63. First time I got wasted was over a guy I wasn't even in a relationship with
64. It was the talk of the office for a while since that was not my character to get drunk
65. I blacked out that first time, two glasses of coke and rum is the culprit
66. My favorite book is obviously The Little Prince
67. I didn't 'get it' the first time I read it for an English class
68. I love math and thought about being an accountant at some point
69. I never turned in any book reports we've had to do, I still managed to get good grades for our English course
70. I told dirty jokes to the whole class, taking the teacher's post in between period
71. I haven't been in any accident for the past seventeen years
72. My worst accident was when a pointed metal fence went through my chin
73. I still have the scar to this day (but then, scars don't really go away)
74. I thought it'll be a breeze doing this, it's actually not
75. My mom had me banned from all the video arcades in the neighborhood
76. I miss being a kid sometimes
77. I never imagined ever joining the military, yet here I am
78. I've always wanted to be a doctor
79. I try to do a deed of kindness once a day, when I can
80. I'm a legs man, put me in a sea full of joggers with short shorts oo lala
81. I'm a Leo, but I don't think I have Leo qualities at all
82. I'm very neat, and organized
83. I love to walk around the city
84. I have a great memory. I'd remember you, even if we've never spoken
85. I sometimes wish I was forgetful
86. I reminisce a lot
87. I had a collection of jack'n stones and cried when an Arab guy stepped and broke a piece
88. I'm not jaded
89. I'm trusting, sometimes too easily
90. I have the notion that no one would do me harm, though that's probably not the case
91. I'm reliable, and was the go-to guy for classmates/coworkers
92. I was obssessed with Power Rangers
93. I wanted to be Ranma at one point (become a boy/girl when doused with water)
94. I can't draw
95. I sang a christmas song, When a Child Is Born, in front of the whole class (had to since we got graded for it) 96. I try to avoid hanging out in three's or with an odd number of people
97. I've never gone camping
98. I don't know how to swim
99. I can learn choreographies from music videos in a short period of time
100. I love karaoke

Taking the bad with the good....

I heard from my cousin that my Grandpa on my mom's side has cancer. Of what? I did not know until tonight. I really didn't feel like talking, but my aunt called and left a message telling me to call my mama. The cell was right next to me when she rang, but since it was 'unknown' i decided to just let the voice mail pick up.

I was debating whether to call the Philippines, but I ended up doing so. But that was after trying to get through calling acellphone for about 30 minutes. Philippines has got to have one of the suckiest mobile services I've come across with, either it'll cut off or will say that the person you are trying to reach is out of the coverage area, so please try your call later. Well finally got through, after so much frustration I got close to just texting and telling them that I heard about what's going on, and sorry I couldn't speak with them since I can't get through. I was gonna say I just didn't have a phone card but that could be taken care of real easy.

It was my aunt that first picked up and the reception wasn't very clear so she handed the phone to my grandma who passed it on to my mom. It was my mom who told me to try calling the other number they have so that we can get a better reception. At first, I said just don't worry about it since I really didn't feel like knowing the 'details.' Not sure what changed my mind but went ahead and wrote down the new number, and called them right after. Cutting off my mom while she was telling me she loves me, and all the rest. Figured she will say it again anyways so what was the point of hearing it.

So dialled the new number that they gave me, though when it was a guy that picked up, I wasn't sure who it was for a second. It was my stepdad that picked up, the usual how you doin, fine thanks, here's your mom. Said the same thing to her, then after that I asked what exactly what was happening. I sorta have an idea of what it is, but elaborate please. She explained that yes, my grandpa has cancer indeed, and that it has spread through his lungs. I don't know if there's an English word for it, but she said that my grandpa has taning, limited time left. In his case, give or take six months the doctor told them. She wasn't crying or anything though, but then why would they be considering he's still alive. She mentioned how death is a part of life, so it's something to be accepted when it does happen. In a way, it would have been avoided in a sense since it was smoking that brought this upon my grandpa. He's been in some sort of medication when I left six years ago, yet he never actually quit smoking. Smoking, and taking medication at the same time so doubt that would have done him any good. My mom said my aunts are probably gonna fly home in a moment's notice if/when my grandpa dies. I have three aunts that are living abroad, one in Norway, one in Denmark and the other that lives down in Florida. My mom asked me if my cousin and I would do the same when the time comes, though I told her that I doubt I would be. It'll be a must for them since it's their parent, but not for me really since I'm only a grandson. My mom understood, though I have a feeling they'd still want us there when the time comes. I spoke to my grandma also, and she kinda joked about the situation, that they're just hanging around there waiting for him to pass away.

Ever since my cousin has told me about this last week, either it just hasn't sunk in or it's not getting to me as I thought it would if I learn of a family dying. It's my grandpa though, and there really isn't much I can say as far as a relationship between us. Me and my mom lived with him, so did my Aunt and her family (husband, three kids), my uncle and eventually his wife, and my adopted aunt and uncle. I really don't know much of my grandpa until I was about 6 or 7 yrs old when he finally retired from being a merchant marine and became a pensioner. All I can remember is that he drank a lot. He would get drunk and just start trouble around the house, yelling obscenities and calling people names and all. I really can't recall the exact period but it did happen a lot, that me and my mom would sometimes leave and just stay the night at the neighbor's or a relative's house. Sneak back to the house either when everyone's asleep or in the morning, just in time for me to get ready for school. Me being of a mixed race played a role too. Eventhough he never actually hurt me physically, just seeing what was happening or hearing the things said stays, even now that I've grown. I can say that I'm not angry anymore, yet I don't love him either. It's just that sense of respect I suppose since he's my grandfather after all..

Getting back

The day before I had to go to Richmond was when I went by the community college to schedule a placement test. I'll be taking it around 9 am so that'll be five hours as I'm typing this. I'm just gonna be registering for one class though since getting Speech over with is my priority. It'll last for eight weeks over the summer, two sessions a week which I'm really hoping I manage. Either that or a five week course, meeting three sessions each week. I only have a day left to decide, ooops. Didn't realize that 'til today. Still working twelve hours so that'll be a bit of a beach hehe

Aside from that, the Richmond event turned out good. It was fun, talking to people about the product we were endorsing. I had NO clue about car racing beforehand, and was given a crash course minutes before we opened. I was just quiet the first hour or so trying to listen in to the 'expert' and see what she tells the fans. After that, I was kinda set so demonstrating to people how to work the device. The device was called a Fanview and it's something car racing fans use to actually watch the game in the palm of their hands, and even listen in to the drivers. That was really neat I thought, and a lot of fans were really excited about it. I just stood there at times and just listen to them, well not ramble, but explaining how NASCAR works and all. It was fun, inspite of pretty much standing for a good seven hours. I was sooo tired on the way home, having slept only three hours again that morning before the event. I'll post some pictures later when I get it uploaded on flickr. I'll be found out sort of, so I'll post my self portrait so you can match the name with the face though some have seen me behind-the-scenes. I posted my family's so why can't I post mine. Yea, maybe I'm just a pussy haha.

That's pretty much what's been going on really. I hang out with two cool guys last week and hope I become good friends with them. It was fun just to get coffee, sit with them and talk. They're both funny so that's real good, I just hope they don't find me boring. Yikes, insecurity creeping in. I think I can be funny (I've been told I am) though dunno if that works even when I don't make jokes. I can just be talking to them and they'll blurt out "You're funny" so hmmmm. Oh well.

But anyways, just wanted to thank those who stop by ever since I started. I'm touched.. no, not by an angel or anything, just touched. Really feels nice, that you take the time to read and see what's going on. I used to think that people are probably just being nice (oh dear, i hope not!) but that has changed. Well good day to you, and you.. and you and you and youUUU.

Three hours

Yep, un dos tres. That's how much sleep I got for today before coming in to work. Tonight's the only time I have to work though so it's not too bad. I worked the previous weekend, and will be this upcoming weekend so can't really beat that. I've sorta ran out of things to do though.

I got off work Monday morning and was planning to get some errands done. With seven things on my to do list, I accomplished one the first day I was off. I was meaning to do a bunch at least, but the computer kept calling me once I got home. So instead of taking a shower, I ended up being glued to it for a couple of hours. It was good though, got to talk to my friend, and then to my family later on the day. It was with my aunt that I haven't seen in about seven years. Woww, I didn't realize it has been that long. But yea, my family is spread out all over so it can be rough at times.


My aunt has a daughter that's five years old now,that I have yet to meet, I love her just as much. Whenever I'd talk to them online, or on the phone, I get real happy just seeing her. She's such a darling, and her laugh is just contagious. I bought her a Crazy Frog stuffed toy and you can hear her giggling while the frog goes A ding ding ding ding dididing ding bing bing pscht,Dorhrm bom bom bedom bem bom bedom bom bum ba ba bom bom
Sometimes when I think about it, that's how it works with family I guess. You might have never met some, yet you adore them just the same. Sorta the same in the online community, you get to know people and you care about them deeply just as much. Some that you've never ever met, maybe even never will in some cases, yet that still doesn't stop you from caring. Weird as it may seem, we learn to love these people. I think though we are afraid to say those words sometimes. I know I am. Instead we say 'I care' or 'I miss you.' But deep down, you know you loooove them.

Well talking to the family, I finally went to the post office to file petition papers for my mom. This is the second time I'm filing since we did back in February 05, but nothing came out of it. I had to shell out close to $200 again but oh well, hopefully it gets approved this time around and we hear back from them. I'm trying to get it taken care of while I'm still in the military, and that's about for seven months.

Come Tuesday, I still had to mail out some more things and I do not know what was happening, but I kept switching the zip code digits around. It would have been alright if it only happened once. But nope! This day where I had to mail some 'packages' out, I made a mistake not once but twice that I had to keep going back to my notebook to check. She was saying how the zip codes I put down doesn't exist. The second time it happened, she gave me THAT look. I wanted to say, I swear I'm not an idiot, but that'll probably just prove her opinion about me. I should just be whateva, I'ma do what I want!! But I'm still working on that. Like me please!

Aside from that, well there's a NASCAR Cup Race going on this weekend about an hour from where I live. I saw an ad that they needed some promo models and I emailed them a picture, sort of as a joke to see if they'd get in touch. Well they called Monday and they told me to get back with them later on that day so they can make a decision come Tuesday. I ended up sleeping and didn't wake up til about midnight so really can't call them by then. Come daytime, I fell asleep in the couch after watching 'Happiness.' I was gonna do some weights but passed out while thinking about it. So Tuesday rolls and I woke up and did some errands and didn't get to call them either. Slack much!? Well Wednesday rolled around and I gave them a ring, figured it couldn't hurt. And two hours later, they called and said they'd still take me. So kinda excited about that, it'll be a whole day event and I'll be in the booths for a cellphone company. Definitely could use some extra cash. I'm exhausting everything I can, before resorting to getting a roommate. I'm considering it again, though an intern or a summer student might not be too bad. Just as long as I make sure they can pay upfront, and not take their 'word' like last time. Lesson learned on that one...

New York Bzzzzzz

Ah New York New York. It's been a week now since I left and came back. This has been my fourth night back to work and finally write something. I have no idea how I've sat idle for twelve hours everytime and manage not to do anything.
Well it was a 6-hour drive from Virginia to New Jersey where I'm gonna be staying at my friend's place. There were two ways to get to Jersey, either the interstate that'll go through DC or the highway that'll go through some bay bridge and some towns. I took the highway since getting around DC is a bit crazy and I didn't wanna get lost. The highway is pretty much a straight shot and it had a nice view though I was a bit nervous at the baybridge. It amazes me sometimes how they went about building bridges and tunnel though they make me nervous driving through them. It was about 30 miles of just being in the water and I sure am glad when that was done with. The drive took six hours which isn't too bad since I was just getting a feel of the road I'm gonna be taking. I got to my destination around 3 pm which isn't too bad. I didn't feel tired which was good considering that was 24 hours of no sleep so far. It was good seeing my friend again and I'm glad it just felt like we were hanging out in Japan the day before. I had to keep pinching myself though. At times, it still feels that I'm in some sort of a dream, as weird as that might be. Being in the US, driving across states, going to New York, just about everything. I often times pause and try to soak in all that is happening.

So we just chilled for a little while then got ready to go to New York City which is about an hour away by train. Josh has never gone either so we had a bit of a problem trying to get to the station. We were driving back and forth through the same streets before eventually stopping at a gas station and asking for directions. It was a bit odd though, since the exit that we took had a sign that talked about trains and rails so dunno what happened. I ended up going in to ask since I was the one who's wanting to go real bad. So did that, and the street that we happened to be on was the way to get to the train station so got real excited over that. We arrived at the station, parked and the car and I was just running up to the station to get tickets just in case the train arrives. Well it did about ten minutes later. Thing is we weren't sure that it was the right train or not. So I went up to the conductor while Josh stayed by the ticket machine which was about eight feet away. I asked him if "Is this the train that goes to the New York?" "Yes, and we're leaving." I jumped on the train and right then the door closed and it started moving.

All I could do was look through the window while Josh stood there. The conductor asked if that guy was my friend and I said Yes. I started walking and grabbed a seat just thinking I'll go to New York by myself then. Well,the conductor radioed it in apparently and he had the train stopped and my friend Josh was able to get on. Josh sat next to me while the train ran its course. Then, a minute later, while I was playing with my cell, a guy came up to us and started saying things. I didn't know what he said but when I finally looked up, he must have been the train captain, he was talking about nobody makes his train stop and how it is his train and it runs on his schedule, not the passenger's etc etc. Well he didn't want us on his train and pretty much told us we're gonna have to get off at the next stop. I just nodded since I didn't really wanna argue. I could tell him that we didn't ask for them to stop the train, but can't really win. He IS the captain. I thought about just pleading with him, tell him it's my first time but doubt he would have cared. He looked really pissed that he pretty much stayed by our seats until we got to the next station and left the train. So we did that, and come to find out the next train was't gonna come for another hour. It was alright really, if it weren't that cold! We didn't bring jackets with us so that was fun. And the wind just loved blowing that night too. I found a seat and hugged myself to try to keep warm.
I sensed that Josh just wanted to call it a night and just go back. He had a friend that lived nearby he called and they talked about him just picking us up so we can go home. I really didn't want to feel like I was making him go so I told him, 'You can have him get you if you want.' I was so intent going to New York that I would not have let anything stop me. Well to see it, and also to be able to meet a fellow blogger, Rey from My Secretive Life. I've spoken to him earlier that day and he was gonna be out and about since his band is going to be playing that night. We missed seeing them play already since their performance was at 2130 and during that time, we were sitting around Princeton Station. Maybe it was stubborness, but I wanted to able to say that I got to meet him after I go back home at least. It would have been a bit of waste, I think if we were pretty much in the same city and didn't get to meet. Kinda like with someone in LA *whistles Well New York will always be there, I know but meeting a blogger in person is like the bonus that came with the trip.

Well we finally reached Penn Station at about 2330. We tried finding a clothing store that might be open since it was real windy that night and of course, everything was closed. We didn't know where to go, so walked around the main train station trying to see what's around it. We passed by the Empire State Bldg which actually glows at night in red and green, if I remember correctly. We eventually went to McDonald's to grab a bite until we figure out where to go. I didn't have a clue what's there, but I didn't care, I'm in New York!! Lack of planning maybe, but I sorta did the same when I was in Japan. Just free-planning, hop on the train and let it take me anywhere. This time, I'm in the US and getting lost won't be much of a problem since the signs are readable this time around. Texted Rey and asked him where he was since Josh said that Rey knows what's the area at least. I felt like a bit of a bother so I didn't try calling Rey right after I texted hehe. He might have been with his friends (which he was) and I really can't expect him to look at his phone everytime to see if I texted or not. We eventually spoke with him on the phone and he had to explain his location since we were jus gonna catch a cab to get where he's at. Gah, I hope he's just not being nice lol (just kidding)

It was probably a 15-min ride or so since we had to get to the 2nd st from the 34th street. Naks, I'm talking about numbered streets and everything, and not the ones that needs to be avoided either. I was just so excited staring out the window looking around the city. I might have been a moth for all I know since I'm a sucker for bright lights. I get all giddy just being near them. So we finally made it to Urge which is in the ....ummm... *Creeps to Rey's and checks East Side is where it is. Places I only used to hear about. But I'm the luckiest guy on the lower east siide. Coz I got wheels and you wanna go for a ride.

It was good, we hang around Urge for a little bit. I got to meet some of his friends, and talked with them. I wasn't talking much now that I think about it. Booo, I don't know where. I get too excited I don't speak much I was all smiles though, just looking around. Some woman started talking to me, and introduced her three other friends, another girl and two guys but I went back and stuck around Rey and company after I grabbed some drinks. Josh said that someone was sizing me up head to toe but I just refused to look at that direction :D

After that, we went to Opaline? though it was relocated that one weekend I came there. Opaline moved, Jersey and NYC had overcast weather, it is soo working out my way. It was still fun. We drank and danced til about 3 am or so, it was great. Dancing along to pop, not hip hop dawwwg. Know what I'm sayin'!! Then we stopped by Nathan's to grab some food and called it a night. Rey was kind enough to offer us to stay at his loft since what I intended to do was to walk around the city 'til the sun comes up and train starts running Fletcher was awake so got to play with him for a while before going to bed. Fletcher's just plain adorable though I was jumpy when he tries to bite. I know he wouldn't but it still made me jump. Hehe, I was real glad though. I still can't believe I had the puppy in my arms. Kawaii!!
Well finally went to bed and didn't wake up til about noon. I was the last one to rise but it was all good. Rey's place was really nice. It overlooks a bay I think and you can sit there and stare at the buildings, and look up at the clouds.

Josh and I left Rey's around 1300 and he dropped us off at this one street so we can just hop on the gypsy bus to get back to the train station. We did just that and really didn't walk around much since it was still windy. So made it back to the dorms, and just ordered some Chinese food and saw The Exorcism of Emily Rose on DVD. Then pretty much falling in and out of sleep the whole night.

Around noon, we just grabbed lunch and then I headed out after that to go back to Virginia. It was a good little get-away and definitely will be doing it again. As much as I loved taking pictures, I didn't get to take any pictures but I will next time. Like MacArthur puts it 'I shall return.'

How would you not know...

Ottosan..

Just testing to see if this works. I spoke with my dad earlier so kinda fits.

It's gotten hot in here

It certainly will be my weekend in 90 minutes or so. Yiipeeeeee! Really looking forward getting off since I'll be heading up north right after. It'll be a 5-hr trip from here to Jersey, but it shouldn't be too bad. Working all night, and going driving, figured I'll just take a nap once I arrive at my friend's house. Well, a room would be a more suitable word since he lives in the dormitories. I'm excited to see him since it's been about a year now since he left Japan, and got transferred to New Jersey. I certainly miss the old gang. Good times, good times now that I think about it. It was definitely more close-knit overseas as far as it goes being in the military. Worked with the same people, hang out with them after work. Have lunch together, go sightseeing together.

I'm sure it'll be nice seeing an old friend. We might even make a trip or two to New York, and then to Philly. Well scratch the might part as for New York, we ARE definitely going. It probably would be way bigger than I'm expecting it to be, but even just setting foot in the Big Apple would get me all excited. Yeah, I can be that easy sometimes. It'll be cool to meet a fellow blogger but if not, I think it'll still be fun. That'll just be a bonus, but NY would be quite something. I know I really shouldn't be shoulding this or that, it should be fun, it should be awesome etc etc Just take it all in when I get there. As Mr Happysad has mentioned recently, I'll try not to use words, to avoid clouding it with past experiences. Probably be harder than it seems, since the city feel would probably remind me of London town *sigh

30 mins and counting down. Still need to do a bit of packing, woke up a bit early than usual but at least, I got to do all the dishes and ummm, that's about it. Mostly was singing and dancing to Alison. Coz she's my number 1, I'm like a dog to get you. The melody. Well, and the dancing too. I go gaga over a song more whenever I learn the choreography to it. Just need to be sure that the oven't off off when I leave. I left it on all night when I went to work, thank god it didn't start anything. No wonder it was so hot when I walked in.

Everybody can get offered a job

That's what I try to tell myself. I've put up a resume and surprisingly got some responses within the first week. It's good and all, but it's throwing me off a little. I was intent on going to school full time after finishing my stint in the military, but now I'm not too sure. It'll be good to go to school, and get it out of the way though I know it'll take a few years to finish it. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be a full time student, and just have a job on the side, at a clothing store or something. I'm looking into being a waiter though, it'll be nice to get to meet people from all walks of life. It probably wouldn't be all glamorous, but it'll be definitely something different everyday. It really seems that a degree makes a big difference in the civilian sector. It'll be nice to just focus on school full time, and it is something I would want, but when the family comes in to play, I'm having second thoughts. It'll be a bit hard to provide for them when I'm just working part time.I'm single but feels like I'm married....married to parents, that is. There's more to it that I can write about later on, and that's what I'm trying to do when I started this. I said I was gonna be open about things, yet I watch what I write and hold back on matters that I wanna put down sometimes.

I'm not even sure where to live after I get out. The job offer's been here in Virginia so far, but if I find a job in the bay area, I definitely am taking that one! I got like four places I'm considering, stay here in Virginia or move somewhere in Florida, move and live with my cousin in Colorado for a bit, or to the bay area where my dad lives. Me and him, or was it Him and I? Anyways, he's mentioned it before that I could live with them if I decide to go to school in Cali. It'll be really nice considering I really don't know him much. The most we've spent with each other is four months in a lifetime so definitely have some work to do on that one. It'll be good to know him more but at the same time, I'm not really sure. He doesn't know about me, and from what I noticed when I lived with them, they're not really too accepting of the gays, so hmmm. Might be a bit hard trying to cover that up, and try to dodge all their questions about which or what girl I'm dating, etc etc

I was supposed to go to North Carolina Tuesday morning but my friend called the night before I was gonna leave and told me to just come some other time. She had some family matters to take care of so I just let it be. I was real excited to visit her too since I haven't seen her in almost two years, but what can you do. I was really bummed out since I was really looking forward to go out of town. I just had that mindset where I was gonna be spending my time off somewhere else. I got close to just hopping on the train and going to New York. I got really, really close but figured I'll wait it out and plan it a little. Well I'm doing it this weekend so will see how it goes.

On a night like this

One more hour to go before I leave for the day which will be mostly spent sleeping. Schedule got switched to night shift so been working twelve hours which hasn't been bad at all. We're working Panama Schedule which works 3 on - 2 off - 2 on - 3 off so it's been good. It can be a drag sometimes working twelve hours during the night, but it certainly is better than days. As much as I like talking with customers, it can drive you nuts picking up phone calls one after another for the whole day. I'm really patient but lusers push me on the edge at times I love the helpdesk though, so can't complain. I'm gonna be done with the military at the end of this year and kinda thinking if I'd want to do this in the civilian sector. I've been looking at some job postings, and I wouldn't mind working for a private sector where I would actually know who my customers are. At the moment, we have over 10,000 customers and I really don't get to meet any of them face to face. I know there are a lot of cute ones out, if only I get to see them damnit


This week just really flew by. It's the 10th already!!! It was just like yesterday that I went out to some bar. And so, we finally got to go to the club on a good night. It seems that people come out on Fridays and Sundays to the one we went to called The Cactus. They had this thing called Drag Race which is pretty much two guys putting on some dress and wigs and getting on a wheelchair and wheel their way around the cone and back to the starting line. It looked fun at the time but it'll get boring seeing that week after week, well maybe just to me.

It was good though, so we ended up staying right until the club closed. The music was alright, I prayed to all the gods for them to play some dance songs but didn't happen. It was all hip-hop which obviously I'm not a big fan of. Put on some giddy songs!! Coz you're my number one, I'm like a dog to get you yea yea yea yea Goldfrapp, Kylie or Madonna Scissor Sisters for pete's sake Something i can sing and dance along to. I just can't rap, is all.

I ended up getting some girls' digits, though I hope she knows I don't like women THAT way. I just chit chatted with her for a little bit, and got her to dance a little with me. It was funny though, how it was her friend who told me how she thought that was so sweet of me. Isn't that what people do at clubs though? Meet strangers you can dance with. Though to find someone you can go home with, hmmm, probably won't happen to me.

Shift change will be happening in a few so gotta go. Have a good weekend everyone!!!
Ooops, have a good WEEK, WEEK, it's just getting started for y'all.

A kick in the A

Well, it's been three weeks today since the roommate moved in and by the time I write, he should be on his way out. I really haven't mentioned much about the roommate situation except when he was moving in, and now moving out.

A little backtrack, he moved in to the apartment on the 9th of this month. We just communicated via e-mail five days before that and bam, that he was. He seemed like an alright guy from the e-mail and the phone conversation that we had. Same age as I am, used to be in the military, got out and is trying to settle in to the civilian life once again. I figured help a fella out since that might be me one day. Well not might actually, but WILL be in about eight months. Anybody wanna take me in?

Well here was kinda the silly part. I let him move in without putting money down or anything. He said that he was waiting on some money after his mechanic tools got sold back in New York. I was just like ok, just give it when you get the money. I really didn't think much of it. Funny how it was my friend, JD and my cousin, Nani that wasn't too happy about it. They were kinda worried that the roomie, Ry was just taking advantage. I didn't get the feeling that he was though. The boy needed direction, from what it seemed like. He had this ambition to become a musician, yet didn't have a back up plan. He applied to some departments to become a cop around the area, but their training wouldn't start 'til around the summertime. And so in the meantime, he needed a job right.

Being without a car did put him to a disadvantage, but maybe if I saw him trying to find other ways, it would have been fine. After applying to become a cop, that was pretty much it. He just sat around the house and got on the computer pretty much all day. He's had a hard a time sleeping, he said but I think what got to me was that he was on his laptop when I get home from work, and on it when I wake up, in the living room.I let it slide for a few, though I think it's what drove me nuts. I even gave it some thought after going to DC over St Patrick's Day for a 3-day weekend with my new friend JD. Got back on the 19th, though I ended up not speaking to him about the issue until the 23rd. I really gave it some thought. Either that, or I can just be putting it off haha

23rd rolled around and I was still debating about telling Ry about it. I was getting ready for work, and there he was awake as usual. I had breakfast, and had about fifteen minutes before I leave for work. I was just standing in the kitchen debating whether I should tell him now, or wait til I get home at night. I doubt I probably would have so just went ahead and came out to the living room, and sat down and told him we needed to talk. Well it's more of a one-sided conversation, since it was mostly me saying how it'll be best for him to find a new place to live in. I'm not a confrontational guy obviously :) so I said that I'm having a harder time than I would have expected living with a stranger. As JD puts it, I could have just easily picked a man living in the street to come live with me for free. What I told Ry was true though in a sense, I did miss living alone. Just being able to go around the house in your undies, singing along to full blast music and dancing along, those kind of things (yep, I'm one of those people) I was a bit concerned about his safety too, since he told me about his friend getting shot at in the bus on her way home. I'm not sure what exactly went on but that's all I know. Gosh, that felt awkward telling him to leave. He was pretty much just nodding along, and letting out sighs here and there. I felt like I was breaking up with him!! Is that what it's like?

He actually didn't move out until last Thursday, the 31st. He was supposed to catch a bus for Illinois around 11 but apparently the trip would have been too long so he opted to just rent a car, which his friend there paid for. I got real upset when I came by during lunch and he hasn't left yet. I said my goodbyes before I went to work, and I felt a bit silly about it when I apparently would still see him. So that, I told him he can't be here when I got home from work (I just had a fixation of him being gone when I get off work, I wanted alone time that day so bad)

So I called the home phone 20 mins before I left work, and guess what, somebody was still in the house and answered it. I about have a fit heading out to the car so I just sat down for a bit to calm myself down. It worked, since I just figured I wouldn't say much when I see him, hold my tongue to part in good terms. I got real close to going off on him, when we were talking in the kitchen. He was telling me how he's gonna go up to Illinois and all I uttered was Whatever, just make sure you're gone tonight. Dishes weren't done, though he was on his computer again, when I got home. I was thinking up my speech too, how he's been awake all day, and hasn't even lifted a damn finger, how he's probably gonna be taking advantage of the person he'll be living with etc etc, just those unkind words you can say to someone. He said he finally got to sleep , after barely getting any sleep the past few days. I kinda felt bad for the guy, so I just thought, I'll just do the damn dishes. As much as I was pissed, I really didn't want it to end that way. Well just so I can be sure that he'll give me my money later on hahaha I know, I know it's no guarantee that he would do so, but I'm hoping that he'll help someone if a person gets into the situation he was in. Gah, why I can't just be pessimist? Stop believing there's good in everybody and all this feel-goodery, happy thoughts.

Well April kicked in and I'm living alone again. YEEEY. A good way to get Spring cleaning started, Cleared out my life with a person, finally unpacked all my stuff, giving away my things, and getting to clean the house again, it feels like a home now. Hmmm, guess Ry being here helped after all. If it wasn't for him I would not have gotten the whole place straightened out. Oh oh, here I go again, soon enough and I'll get blinded looking at the bright side.


Don't remember where I quoted it from, but kore:
"When you feel yourself getting angry, stop. Imagine yourself as having already exploded and you now feel wasted. For that's what happens when you get angry: your soul leaves you. Do this, and your anger is sure to dissolve."

Lots Lots

Sweet note found at a drugstore in Portland, Maine by Sarah Corbett
------------------------------------------------------------------
Listen, I'm writing you 'cause we are in a public place, you're so pretty it makes me shy, and hopefully it will mean more.

1. I've been heartbroken/celibate for a year 2. Tired of being lonely at times 3. I want a girlfriend, lover, best friend, someday wife.

So if you're not in love or married, let me win your heart.

I promise to give you lots lots x lots lots of orgasms.
I promise to give you lots lots x lots lots of caring.
I promise to give you lots lots x lots lots of loyalty.
I promise to give you lots lots x lots lots of good-heartd fun.

If you're interested call me [phone number], email me [email]

Don't think I'm some nut. NOT.

I just don't know pick up lines nor would I use them if I did.

I'm a good person. I have good Christian love.

And I am worthy.

- Blaine

How do you know when to let go

Well it's been three months since that London weekend affair and me and Daniel have barely spoken since then. Maybe three or four conversations, and a bit angry text message when he thought that I ignored him online. We're not even together and yet here I am, I'll admit, obsessing over this whole thing.

We haven't talked to each other for a over a month, no e-mail, no phone calls, nothing. There I was come Saturday morning, kinda bored, and thought about just calling up some people. It's something I tend to do, just calling people up letting them know I'm thinking about them, etc etc which I really do. Anybody has suggestions to help me stop that? It just feels like I have too much time on my hands to be thinking about others, when I should be thinking about me me me.

So Daniel picks up and not even two minutes into the conversation, saying how I disappointed him. I was just sitting here, thinking "What'd I do now?" Considering we don't even live in the same continent, there really isn't much stuff I can do to disappoint him now, is there? We went back and forth, him telling me I should know what he's talking about, when I really had no clue.
"What'd I do"
"You know what you did"
"No, tell me!"
"You know what you did, you disappointed me"
"How?"
"You should know"
"I really don't, just tell me already."
He finally caved in, and told me that he's disappointed that I've been telling things to his housemates behind his back. Well you see, he was sharing the house with a French guy and a Latvian girl when I visited. I sorta made friends with them as well, talking, even having a food-tv style cooking where they made different kinds of crepes after crepe briefly came up in our conversations, where we ended up staying awake til about 2 am, just eating and listening to music.

Those are the two I've been corresponding with since being back stateside. And it was just brief notes, seeing how they're doing, how'd their holidays go, just real casual topics. Somehow though, it seems that it came up how me and Daniel were together, which we aren't. Daniel didn't really want his housemates to know about his business, but I think they already knew from the start anyways. I'm just as confused now, as I was after hanging up with him over the weekend.

It did get better though, I think though it felt like he doesn't believe me completely that I wouldn't do such a thing. He went on about how he really had a good time when I was over there, that it was nice to meet me and all the rest with it being his first time meeting somebody through the net. It is my first too, amongst other things *blushes* He apologized too that we didn't get to do much when I was there, go to the theater, dinner at a restaurant. We pretty much just walked around and talked mostly, doing window shopping here and there, checking out different parts of London. We went to some bars too, though I'm not sure what kind it was since it looked like all the guys there had buzz cuts. We also got to go to G.A.Y. It's nice that I can now say I've been there. He was just so cute shaking his head to the beat, and looking up as he do so. I just wanted to bite him.. rraarrr

I guess I do like the guy, but I wonder if it'll just be best to let go completely. He's moving back to Italy come April and I really won't have his telephone number by then. He has talked about visiting me here in the States, but really can't get my hopes up over that. If he comes, wonderful. If not, I'll live. Well on my good days, but on the not so good ones. I'm sure I'll be beating myself up over having bothered to meet him in the first place on those days.

How do you know when to let go, where does the good go where does the good go (humming til he gets to the car and plays the song)

Holy sheet

Just got a message from the potential roomie that he'll be here like tomorrow morning, Thursday around 0900. Oh my goodness.

Trying to make a move

Ahh, two weeks..there's gonna be some changes to be happening in my life. Not sure if it's really something major that I'm gonna be getting a housemate. Figured I'll put the extra room to use instead of it just being a storage room for the remainder of the year. I got it for my mom but it doesn't look like she's gonna be making it here anytime soon.

So back to the rooming situation, I figured it'll help offset the cost of living alone. I dunno, maybe it'll be more fun too having a housemate again. It's been a while since I've lived with somebody, and I really didn't have any problem with it. It's good to finally have my own room though.

Hopefully me and him would get along just fine. We'll call him Yan. I've spoken to him once on the phone and the conversation was alright. He'll be coming from New York though I don't remember exactly where he grew up. I asked, and he told me but I forgot. It's one of those 50 states for sure :P He told me a lot of places he has lived at so I sorta lost track. He's not a fugitive, if that's what you're thinking. Well I'm hoping he's not, positive thoughts! Errr, I left out one thing though. I really didn't tell him about me being gay. Well I'm not really out out, and only few close friends know about it. I know it shouldn't matter, since I really don't see that has anything to do with being housemates. Or maybe it does? You've probably met one of those guys who thinks that every gay guy would want to sleep with them. So what's your take on this one? Do I tell him now before he moves in? Not at all? Or what? We'll only be roommates for less than a year but still. Inputs please.

Job

Are you supposed to like it??

Suddenly Monday

It's close to Monday night and I'm just here sitting at work reading up on blogs here and there while everybody else got a day off. Should be training but not on a downday as we call it. We've gotten five phone calls at the most since I came on shift at 11, instead of 7 am.

I got sick on Friday but was pretty much out and about the whole day. I needed to get a car inspected before I can get the state sticker for my car and kinda had it planned out Thursday night. Was gonna get up before 8 am so I can go to a auto center to get it inspected. Well I did wake up early, but got online and got stuck talking on the messenger for an hour or so lol. Then, still needed to take a shower and have breakfast so didn't get to leave til about 10. Is it just optimism or stupidity that I think I'll just be able to waltz in and out of places I need to get things done with. So headed out to the first garage on my list, which took a while for me to find, being new to the area. Went on the wrong exit and was driving out 15 mins before I realized I'd made a huge mistake. Finally got there, and I was told they were full for the day so perhaps, I can come back Tuesday. I have a stubborn streak at times, and if I wanna get something done, I'll get it done as when I planned it damnit.

I just decided to go back home, stopping by one more garage on the way. And my luck! The mechanic just had to leave right when I got there since he had some teeth problems and was told maybe Tuesday, they'll have slots open perhaps since it's a first come, first serve. So made my way home, and got changed too since it was colder than I expected it to be. Found one garage that had slots after two phone calls so that was good. Had to mapquest it, and got to the place in about 10 mins. The mechanic that inspected my car is really cool. It's crazy that he's worked on and off of that garage for 50 years. First when he was in the 7th grade, then he joined the military and did a stint in Asia, then back in the same base I am assigned to, worked part time with the same garage. Then retired, and has worked ever since since around the late 70's. Crazyyyyy. Which reminds me that I really need to know cars a little bit more, well a lot more than I do now.

So that was over it, so it made me feel like I accomplished something for the day. I went back home and ended up taking a nap since I didn't feel so good. Found out too that touring Rent will be performing about 20 minutes from where I lived. Really considering going all day, Saturday but ended up just staying in to get better.

That gave me time to finally finish the Road Home (heard it through Robert) which was a nice movie. It was from the son's narration that you get to learn about his parent's love story which was really touching. That is just pure love right there!

Then, saw Transamerica as well which got me crying a little. It's a download but hey you gotta do what you gotta do. It was a touching movie, that got me laughing in some parts of the film.




and funny how I feel better than when I had to go back to work.

You Wouldn't Like Me

(Not something I wrote but kinda sums up how I get at times)

There's a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
Well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me
And don't you worry there's still time
There's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around
Sunshine is days away I won't be saved I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever
I won't say that I'll love you forever

by Tegan and Sara

I miss them

I'm missing my family. Seeing their pictures made me happysad (had to steal that Rob hehe) It's amazing sometimes, family, considering some I have yet to meet. Inspite of, you still love them and hold them dear to your heart.

With me being on leave (vacation) for close to 45 days, I had enough time in my hands to actually meet my father's side of the family. I figured 22 yrs would be enough of not seeing them, so I saw them in South Carolina, on my way to Virginia coming from Florida. I seriously considered just driving through their town and not showing up lol. I got real nervous when I got down to about 20 mins away from their house. I got there and it was just my Grandma that was home so I guess that was kinda good. I would have just been eeeeek if there were tons of people to meet I'm sure. Being a people person and not at the same time, does that make sense? They're family and all but still :D

I'm at work right now, so a bit hard to sit still and write this whole thing. Maybe tonight, but then again so I won't forget the point, it pretty much comes down to make sure to tell your family you love them, especially if they're near. You'd probably think "They know that already!" It's still a nice feeling to hear that reaffirmation....that they're loved, coz action doesn't always speak louder than words.

New Beginning

Grrrr, firefox froze on me and now I gotta start over. Am able to access the net through somebody's wireless connection so kinda cool I guess.

Moved in to the apartment Friday and has spent the past two days grabbing things here and there to kinda get situated to my new home for the next year at the most, if I ended up not liking it here in Virginia. Past two weeks has a been a bit rough, trying to get around looking for a place to live and not knowing anybody. There's a guy that was assgined to kinda take me around and everything, but he didn't call after my first day at the job when he showed me around so hmmm.. Dunno if I just got too stubborn telling myself not to ask the guy for help at all, since if he wanted to he could have offered but he didn't. Guess that's good in a sense, kinda got forced to "grow up" 72 hrs after getting here. Things are starting to look up now, methinks so figured this as a better time to start posting again. Just had a lot of stuff going through my head.

Will finally report back to work tomorrow which I'm kinda excited about, and yet not at the same time. I've been on some sort of break for the past two and a half months and starting working again would probably be a bit of a shock. Twelve-hour shifts nonetheless, whether it be days or nights, I've yet to find out. It'll be good though, that way I finally get to meet my coworkers to be. Just hoping they don't have me start doing twelves til next week. Am not even sure I'm quite ready for 8-hrs of work as it is, haha. Kinda looking forward to it though that way, I can try to make friends with some peeps at work, since has kinda relied on Craig (slist) at the moment. Has met two people through it though will probably be friends more with the girl than the guy. I've hang out with the guy twice but I dunno, it's just been a bit weird this past week.

Living room's furnished already after finding a good deal online. Had to drive out an hour away to pick 'em up but at least now, it feels a bit homey after just being here for three days. I think I want a roommate.

London town II

Daniel and I eventually settled on a tube station to meet, after looking up the stops on the site and much texting back and forth. Being in the library has calmed me down a little. I really was trying to push off of the bad feeling considering I'm in bleeping London.

Debating where to go since we really didn't want to waste the day. Ended up settling with Cambridge since London was just a bit painful to go to after the cancelled meet. Cambridge was about a 60-mins or so drive from the town that we're at. So we got there, and went to Nando's which is a Portuguese restaurant. Food was real good, though I only had spiced chicken and rice along with a free drink for first-timers at Nando's. So just walked around Cambridge pretty much and stopped by the mall for a little while. Browsing through the music store, and ended up buying a book which I've kinda been meaning to get for quite sometime. A behind the scenes look on the business side of how the Spice Girls reinvented pop back in the 90's. Did I mention I was a fan? So yeah, ended up buying it at 60 % off. It got me thinking though, about the whole things happen for a reason that people say. I dunno, if the meet/date or whatever was to be cancelled just so I'd be able to find this book hmmm.. That's a bit lame lol since I could have ordered the book online. So ended up just going back to the house, and reading the whole night. Yep, waay to spend a night in England eh.

Thursday - The day finally rolled around though it wasn't a good feeling I had when I woke up. Not getting to see Daniel yesterday really got me frustrated and got me questioning about the whole trip. Laying in bed thinking if I should even bother going through with the whole meeting up thing. I even considered of just packing my stuff up and heading to a hostel around London until I fly out of the country. It is good getting to see my friend Jim, but it just didn't seem like it was enough. I just wanted to leave everything behind and be in company of strangers since the whole cancelling thing really pissed me off, if it hasn't been obvious.

Looking back I can't pinpoint what helped to kinda change my mood for the day since all I remember now was showering, then us driving to base to get gas and grab something to eat. So we left the base and headed out to the station so I can catch the tube, along with our lunch. During this drive was the only time I got nervous about meeting up with Daniel, mixed with excitement that FINALLY, we'll get to meet, a day after the planned date (the time to meet, not the other thing called 'date'. It's not really a date now, is it?) So we finally arrived at Redbridge where I'm gonna have to catch a ride to Shadwell station which is 2 zones away from each other.

The meet up time was at 4 pm but I didn't get to catch one until around 3:30 pm. So was just thinking, heh, I should be able to make it on time. Well 4 pm rolls around and am still on the Central line just approaching Bank station. And from there, would have to switch to Docklands Light Railway (DLR) to get to Shadwell. Well with two suitcases, weighing about 20 kilos each, it was a bit of a struggle having to walk up and down the stairs to get to the other line I had to catch. Finally got to Shadwell, feeling not so fresh after all these damn walking, around 4:15 . Got off the railway, and was gonna start descending down a flight of stairs, until one girl mentioned that I can just use the elevator. Wheeew! (It was actually the girl that I smiled at during the ride, so note * smiling really does make a difference)

Finally got on the first floor after the descent which seemed to take foreverrrrr. So hopped out of the elevator, and looked around the station, trying to find Daniel or someone that resembled him and nada. He was nowhere to be found. I dunno, felt a little annoyance that he could not have hang around a little longer, if he actually did come. 30 ft away from the stairs was a payphone, so went and called Jim letting him know that I got to Shadwell just fine, with no Daniel in sight. Asked him to text Daniel and mention that I'm at the train station waiting. I tried calling Daniel but only got his voicemail so just left a message on it as well. After two phone calls, I still had credit left on the payphone but I really can't get my change back. Good thing that some girl was standing, waiting to use it so I told her that she can just go ahead since I still had some credit left. She had a look on her face like if I was kidding or something. I dunno, it seems like these days, people don't expect any good thing done to them that if you act kind or corteous, they're just in shock that someone was nice to them. That made me feel good inside so I stepped aside by my luggage and was sweating and looking around trying to find a familiar face. And right when I looked at the stairs, a guy in a brown leather jacket, waved at me smiling, and all the anger from the day before just went away and all I can think of was how glad I was that I came.

London town

I would not have imagined that I'd be making a last minute trip to London out of all places. It's still one of the places I've considered going but with no rush. If this would have been (I'll admit) in the Spice Girls' heydays, I would have hopped on a plane in a record to have seen them hehe. So moving along.. I booked a 7-day trip for London to see Daniel though it wasn't 'til mid-week that I got to meet him.

So the flight to Seattle from Japan ended up being delayed for about four hours which I really didn't mind. Considering my original arrival time in Seattle would have been around 9 am , then leaving for London eight hours later at 6 pm. So that kinda did me good. Setting it back a few hours, less time to kill. Feel bad for the other passengers though, who had to take connection flights with little time in between but yeah, they would have made it sooner or later. It was funny just watching some people get real pissed about the delay. I probably would have been too if I would have missed my flight, but am not, so I can take the delay in stride. I just chuckled listening to what they were saying. Oh yeah this is about London huh..

So arrived in London on a Sunday, around 1130 with my friend Jim instead that's going to be picking me up. I was all smiling with the plane finally landing at Heathrow Airport. The flight was interesting enough since I sat next to a couple who lived and worked at the same base that I just came out of. Me and the man were talking for a bit. 'Twas funny considering I was dreading having to sit next to them since they seemed stuck up a little when I just got on. Ended up waiting for about an hour before Jim finally made it. I was getting pissed, but just kept telling myself that "Hey, you're in England now. A bit of a wait won't kill ya." And I guess the prospect of just getting to see Daniel later on was enough to keep me calm. Jim finally arrived so it was all good. It was nice getting to hang with him in person after about a year of waiting. With him moving and everything, we've mostly kept in touch through e-mails or phone calls which I usually initiated. I'll do admit I like talking on the phone though it has wreaked havoc on my wallet from time to time. But I just really didn't mind I guess, money's nothing compared to the happiness I feel whenever I talk to my loved ones whether it be family or even just friends.

So boarded on a bus that'll take us to the tube station bound for wherever Jim lives at. We made a stop midway though since we got hungry. The excitement's in full gear too considering I didn't mind having to lag around two suitcase around the train station and up the stairs to get to the street. We made a stop at Piccadilly Circus and grabbed a bite at Pizza Hut and talked for a little while. Really didn't do much for the day since we still had to go back to his house to get settled. The tube ride to where we needed to make the stop wasn't really that far. What I didn't know was that he had to drive like 90 mins to get to that said train station called Redbridge. There I was bitching to him about having to wait for an hour at the airport lol.. So ended up thanking him gladly for going through all those travelling just to pick me up.

Monday - headed out to Central London to do a little sightseeing. Got to get on a computer and ended up talking to the family for a little bit. None of the family really knew that I was making this trip and they were all expecting my phone call the previous day. I got to talk to my uncle who told me that my Aunt was there next to him, crying so ended up making a call just to actually tell her that I'm fine. My family's spread out so will just leave their whereabouts since it can be a tad confusing to others. We came by SoHo which was where the bars and clubs we're at but didn't stay since Jim got uncomfortable after some guy winked at him while we were walking.

Tuesday - the same thing pretty much. Got to see the Buckingham Palace, and had dinner at Planet Hollywood which Jim picked. Talk about acting touristy. I just went along, and it ended up alright with a cute spanish waiter and all

Wednesday - woke up all excited since this was the big day, the day that I will get to meet Daniel. Well it was good seeing Jim, but that wasn't really why I flew to London lol. So there I was, got showered and everything all smiles, thinking Yes, this is the day, this is the day. Well we had to go to base first since Jim needed to run some errands. Figured I'd text Daniel just to say hi, letting him know that I'm at Jim's as we've talked about previously to offset the cost of having to spend money on a hotel. And there was his reply back, asking how he can reach me since he needed to speak with me. Oh oh, that's not a good sign I thought and it just kinda made my excitement go away.

So dialled his number and spoke with him. Well I really didn't understand him too much on the phone except that he missed the flight for Italy that Saturday so ended up going to Oxford or some shit like that and that he got into an argument with his flatmates. I tried listening as he explained it to me some more but I think I was just real annoyed I sorta tuned out what he was saying. I really tried to be understanding coz that must have been real stressful to him as well, not getting to fly home and back, then end up having a fight with your housemates. All I can say was ok, guess we can just meet tomorrow then. Though on the inside, my mind just went through with all these thoughts and ideas. This isn't going well. Doesn't he care that I flew all the way to see him, with little rest in between, just delaying our meeting just like that. Why did I even bother with this guy.. Does he even care I came?

After the phone conversation, still had to text with him to figure out a good station for him to pick me up. So with this rage brimming inside, I had to keep calm and avoid making a snide remark even on the phone about what an idiot he is.

It's been close to three weeks since I left Japan and everything's been going good really. Crazy considering I've been all over the past few weeks and got to meet interesting people, and seen different places.

London trip turned out to be great. Just what I needed in transitioning to a new life you can say. I can't imagine what things would have been like if I didn't go there. At least, I've made some memories which can make me smile at least, like now during the holidays where my cousin had to work and I stayed home. Thanks to a blogger friend Rey who gave me his itinerary about London. I didn't get to go to all the places he did, but it was still helpful. Though gotta admit, it wasn't really the town that prompted me to visit but a certain somebody. Maybe I oughta write about those seven days so I wouldn't forget though I REALLY doubt I would. To be that happy just to be with somebody, standing there just smiling as you watch them go about in the kitchen to make a meal. Wowww, so that's a glimpse of what it's like to be in love. I sure am looking forward to it :D

Am settled here in Colorado after doing a stint in Vegas, LA, and Phoenix on the way back. Me and my cousin went on a little road trip that spanned three states in five days. I was just in awe as we were nearing Las Vegas just seeing the glowing city from the distance. I wonder if I'm a moth considering bright lights really does it for me. We ended up sleeping through the first night since we were just beat having just driven around 14 hrs that day. Ended up taking the long route making our way down to New Mexico, then Arizona, then back up to LV to circumvent having to drive through Utah. Well I woke up around 4 since I was hungry so decided to step out a little to hunt for food. I eventually settled for Denny's since that was the only place I could eat in at that time of day anywho. Mann, that was just awesome getting to sit down and order off of an English menu. I was just beaming as I ask for a breakfast meal of pancakes, sausage, sunnyside up eggs and a warm glass of hot chocolate, complete with whipped cream on top. Yummm. After the meal, ended up just walking to the hotel and falling back asleep. Woke up few hours later, then headed out to the mall. Malls are about the same so nothing much to say.

That night, we tried finding some gay clubs but had no luck. I was about near to tears just seeing my cousin get frustrated having to drive back and forth in the strip. I was the 'navigator' but the area map we got wasn't really helping but still, I felt like it was my fault for some reason. I just wished for the trip to end, thinking why'd we even bother with this getaway in the first place. So that, we ended up parking at the hotel and I just wanted to call it a night but Haunani (the cousin) thought otherwise. So we headed out to Caesar's Palace, and got to go in to the Pussycat Lounge and see the Pussycat Dolls perform. They had a different batch performing at the club but it was still a good watch. It's the cousin anywho who has a crush on the Dolls, so that was the motivation right there. It really didn't do much to me, maybe just a bit, as I kinda developed a crush to dark-haired Laura.

Merry Christmas

The surroundings have changed but it's still the same.

Merry Christmas from a hitori de Colorado.

Little adventures I

It's been close to three weeks since I left Japan and everything's been going good really. Crazy considering I've been all over the past few weeks and got to meet interesting people, and seen different places.

London trip turned out to be great. Just what I needed in transitioning to a new life you can say. I can't imagine what things would have been like if I didn't go there. At least, I've made some memories which can make me smile at least, like now during the holidays where my cousin had to work and I stayed home. Thanks to a blogger friend Rey who gave me his itinerary about London. I didn't get to go to all the places he did, but it was still helpful. Though gotta admit, it wasn't really the town that prompted me to visit but a certain somebody. Maybe I oughta write about those seven days so I wouldn't forget though I REALLY doubt I would. To be that happy just to be with somebody, standing there just smiling as you watch them go about in the kitchen to make a meal. Wowww, so that's a glimpse of what it's like to be in love. I sure am looking forward to it :D

Am settled here in Colorado after doing a stint in Vegas, LA, and Phoenix on the way back. Me and my cousin went on a little road trip that spanned three states in five days. I was just in awe as we were nearing Las Vegas just seeing the glowing city from the distance. I wonder if I'm a moth considering bright lights really does it for me. We ended up sleeping through the first night since we were just beat having just driven around 14 hrs that day. Ended up taking the long route making our way down to New Mexico, then Arizona, then back up to LV to circumvent having to drive through Utah. Well I woke up around 4 since I was hungry so decided to step out a little to hunt for food. I eventually settled for Denny's since that was the only place I could eat in at that time of day anywho. Mann, that was just awesome getting to sit down and order off of an English menu. I was just beaming as I ask for a breakfast meal of pancakes, sausage, sunnyside up eggs and a warm glass of hot chocolate, complete with whipped cream on top. Yummm. After the meal, ended up just walking to the hotel and falling back asleep. Woke up few hours later, then headed out to the mall. Malls are about the same everywhere so nothing much to say.

That night, we tried finding some gay clubs but had no luck. I was about near to tears just seeing my cousin get frustrated having to drive back and forth in the strip. I was the 'navigator' but the area map we got wasn't really helping but still, I felt like it was my fault for some reason. I just wished for the trip to end, thinking why'd we even bother with this getaway in the first place. So that, we ended up parking at the hotel and I just wanted to call it a night but Haunani (the cousin) thought otherwise. So we headed out to Caesar's Palace, and got to go in to the Pussycat Lounge and see the Pussycat Dolls perform. They had a different batch performing at the club but it was still a good watch. It's the cousin anywho who has a crush on the Dolls, so that was the motivation right there. It really didn't do much to me, maybe just a bit, as I kinda had a crush to dark-haired Laura. That was about it. They did a few numbers and it was over around midnight. We just walked around the casino level and decided to call it a night since we gotta be sure to wake up on time for check out and drive out to Los Angeles afterwards...

What having free time makes you do

I . . .
(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) crashed a friend's car
(X) Got drunk with a good friend
( ) stolen a car
(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of your parent's house

() been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) skipped school
(x) seen someone die (and he was a friend too)
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been skiing.. snowboarding

( ) been moshing at a concert
( ) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now
(X) lain on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel
(X) flown a kite
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding

(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(X) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake/tremor
( ) touched a snake (probably NEVER, they freak me out)
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood

(x) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(x) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car crash
( ) had braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) liked the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime

(X) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
(X) been to the opposite side of the country
(X) swum in the ocean
(X) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers (umm, what is this game?)
( ) recently colored with crayons
(X) sung karaoke

(X) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) made prank phone calls
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (threw up my lunch too)( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach

( ) crashed a party
(x) gone roller-skating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(X) sung in the shower
(x) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something

( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree (and had a broken arm after earth yanked me down)
(x) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone

(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
(x) gone doorbell ditching
(x) played chicken
(x) jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it

(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
(x) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) French braided someone's hair
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool
( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house
( ) been kicked out your house
(x) have had a fantasy over someone you love as a good friend
( ) sun tanned naked
( ) ran naked in the rain

As they say:
feel free to play if you like... remember, Sharing is Caring...Not sure about THAT! Is it though??