Tuesday yak yak

It's been a bit over a week since I actually updated. It's been good so can't complain. Nothing major but at the same time, I'm glad that things are happening. School's been interesting, I'd have to say. It's just amazing hearing about how civilizations started and all that. We have a paper due soon so need to work on that.

I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. Mine was good from what I remember. I went out the Friday prior. Well, I wasn't going to since I signed up to volunteer at F- and F- on Saturday from 8 - 10 am. Figured it'll give me an excuse not to go out on a Friday for a change since pretty much the past month, I've been going out just about every weekend. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's been really fun hanging out with S- and meeting new people. I guess I've been more outgoing than usual though with that, I need to time to recharge since that's the way I roll. My friend J- was in town and we were supposed to meet up at least but that didn't happen. He was about 30 mins away since his parents live in Maryland. They ended up picking up his brother Friday night so plans got scraped out.

I actually spoke with S- in the afternoon which is the first time I've talked to him longest on the phone. I got let go early since I had a little 'tantrum' when my boss said something I didn't like. I usually just got quiet if I'm annoyed though my coworker said that it shows in my face, which I didn't realize. After I got home, I just went running since I was gonna end up just sitting so that. Once that's done with, that's when S- called to see what I was doing and what my plans were. Told him my friend's in town, etc etc but it's not definite yet etc etc so he told me to let him know later on the day. I actually forgot that I said I was gonna call him so I didn't. He called close to 8 pm and asked why haven't I called heehee. That was kinda embarrassing, he was talking about how I don't call papi back. I debated about going or not but I ended up going anyway.

It was a fun night. I didn't get to Cobalt til two hours after I spoke to S- so he had a bit of a drink already. I probably blushed when he'd just look at me so I'd act like I was looking at something behind him, avoiding his gaze. We stayed at Cobalt maybe for an hour. I actually saw some blogger whose blog I've looked at here and there, but it would have been too weird to just do come up to him. Funny how I've been too nervous to meet newer ones that live here in the area. After Cobalt, we made our way down to Green Lantern which is a few blocks down. It was my first time there, there weren't too many people that evening so it wasn't too bad. I was with S- and St-, S-' friend. I'm not sure what it's called but they have this thing where you get drinks for free if you're in your underwear. The other two took their pants off, and after a little peer pressure, I did the same thing. It wasn't too bad since I kept my polo on at least. Good thing I opted for boxer briefs instead of my Superman briefs. I'm not even a big comic books fan but I liked the color of it so durrr. After a while though, you kinda forget that you're not wearing any pants so it's okay. I doubt I'd be doing that if there's a lot of folks though. St- was cool, this is the second time I've hang out with him and he actually took my number when we were walking out in the street. It was funny how S- got a bit mad about it since St- is his friend.

Once the underwear hour is over, we ended up going to JR's. I don't think we stayed long and called it a night and I ended up crashing at S-' since the metro stopped running. I sooo didn't wanna get up when he woke me up around 6 to get ready for my volunteering thing. I just wanted to sleep in but ya know, I've made a commitment so gotta do what I said I'll do. It was only for two hours and we pretty much were bagging the meals to be handed out by another group. The guys on my table were really funny so that made the time fly by. I'm the laugher though, I really don't joke around much when I'm in a group. Tending to take a step back and mostly listen, or laugh. One guy was giving me the "look" everytime I accidentally put something that goes past his table. It had me cracking up. I'm that easy to laugh.

One of the guys I previously worked with was there too and we ended up being at the same table so talked to him for a bit at least. It was my first time working on a weekend and he was explaining to me how the bagging system works since there were some special meals etc. He was really helpful, not that they all were :) I actually talked to him after the shift was over. We were making my way out to the parking lot, and I asked him some questions, and ended up chatting with him for about twenty minutes. I kept asking him when he's volunteering again *blush, guess I kinda wanted to work with him again. He said if I wanted to get his number, and I was all Suuuure. I did want to hang out with him so that's nice he offered. I ended up just walking back to the metro which was five minutes away since it would have been out of his way to drop me off.

Went home, ended up napping and not waking up for my friend's barbeque all the way in Maryland. I wanted to be out but at the same, not to a bar or a club so made my way to a movie theater to watch Waitress. Just the kind of movie I needed that day. I think watching a drama, Away From Her, would not have done me much good, as much as I like drama but sometimes, you just want to watch a movie that'll make you smile about things, and especially life in general. Ya know, having to make a tough decision but at the same time, just believing that everything will turn out okay.

Lessons learned

I came across a public access video and here are the lessons learned in it:

- If you really want to earn your man, you need to learn your man.

- There's nothing wrong with liking a flashy man.

- Some women are hooked on coming.

- Some men have so much heat and intensity in their penis, you can feel it radiate through their clothes. It feels like fire underneath their skin.

- Shrimp dinner at Long John Silver's cost $2.99.

- Men who offer you "a side of penis" don't respect you.

- Don't let every man hit the bottom of your vagina and work that middle.

- Some women's mind ain't good because the penis done ejaculate all in her brain.

- Some men screw women into submission by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down.

- When you're wide open with a penis all up in your vagina, you don't have no defenses.

- The worst thing that can happen is when a man, while he's thrusting the penis in and out, says, "Whose is it? Whose vagina is it? Who it belong to? Now, wha- wha- what I say? Who? Who?"

- Don't let every man spank your bottom and talk to you all kind of ways.

Babang Luksa

I called the family up this morning since today, 31st of May it's my grandpa's first year death anniversary. Babang Luksa literally means the end of mourning. With that, all the relatives and clans gather in a party of sorts, eating, drinking, having a good old time. I never actually knew what this meant until this morning when I read up about it. I've heard about it the longest but never really realized what it signified.

I didn't keep them long since it was a bit loud at my grandma's house. Our old neighbors from my childhood home were there, along as my second and third cousins, and family friends. The old neighbors were the ones who got to see first hand our crazy family. Fights erupting when some of the family guys go drinking, being chased down in the streets, hiding at a neighbor's house until everything settles. I laughed just now thinking about it but back then, ya know granted I accepted things as they were, I can't help not to wonder why. Anyway, that's the past.

I was just smiling talking to my grandma and my mom. People were singing karaoke in the background. I cried a bit but it was more coz of happiness knowing that they're having fun and celebrating. One of my aunts (the one wearing Reebok) and my grandma haven't spoken for months due to money problems, but I'm glad she showed up and hopefully, put whatever behind. But then, that's family, you fight you argue and sometimes even show your worst around them. Though with the ones who "act out," I think they take comfort knowing that there's family that'll always love them. That's what family is about, well for me at least. The folks who'd stand by you no matter what, well usually but not always. Though of course, we don't get to choose who ours will be, but then neither did they.

I was gonna keep quiet about this day but I felt compelled to write something. In the second pic which was taken on my 21st b-day, you'd see my grandpa in the wife-beater and my cousin, Sonny on the far right, that passed away the day we arrived in Manila a year ago, on the 8th of June. My mom's waiting until after my cousin's babang-luksa before she'd fly out to the States as to which we don't have an exact date yet but it'll be in about two to three weeks. I might not get to make my way out to Florida right when she arrives but will try to that weekend. I just won't tell her when so it'll be a bit of a surprise. I really can just see her whenever but it'll mean a lot to her me showing up around when she gets there. I just saw her last year so I'm kinda okay if I don't see her anytime soon. After not really being with my mom for almost seven years, I kinda got used to not having her around though on some days, I'd want nothing more to have her with me. Having our late night talks, just bs-ing around and making each other laugh. I miss her but not enough to live with her again methinks ;) If I could, I'd buy a mansion and have all my family living together. I sooo was thinking that growing up since it's rough having family in four different continents but guess it gives me an excuse to go back to Europe. I can only hope they're seeing the same sunset as I do, granted they're not with me, I hope they can sense there's a kid in DC thinking of them, always loving them.

He just dipped it

Knocked Up looks like it'll be a great summer movie. I haven't seen Shrek 3 or Pirates of the Carribbean, but I'll make sure to watch this opening night. It's a hoot watching movies when the theaters are packed. I have yet to watch a movie right when it opens.
This is one of the deleted scenes from the movie. It's a bit profane so might want to watch it at home.

Back to school

Last night was my first day of class and so far so good. I'm taking an actual class for History Western Civ which will run 'til the week prior to the 4th of July. It's been pretty good, granted I have yet to speak to my classmates but then it's the first day so it's okay.

Ok, my teacher kept saying it was a survey course and instead of just asking her what it meant, I looked it up and found out this morning. Anyway, we were let out an hour earlier than usual but the class actually runs from 7 to 10:20 pm. I'm gonna have to better manage my time since I'm taking three other classes online. It'll keep me busy I'm sure, so no more just sitting and doing nothing.

I'm actually excited. I missed just sitting in a classroom and listening to the teacher blah blah blah about things. I was all giddy hearing about the Theory of Evolution and such (giggling when I saw homo erectus on the slide). We only got to the pre-history portion but yea, am glad I'm back in school. If I love it enough, I'll try to go full time eventually and work part-time though my dad was saying how that's like taking a step back in a sense but whatevs.

I got home and just ended up ironing for two hours listening to ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Ugh, I didn't think I'd fall for that umbrella song.

This will be random but am I the only one who waits until there's nobody in the bathroom before I step out of a stall? I wish more people would coz I just get bothered somehow knowing who was behind the door producing all those noises.. Teehee

I don't know why I have this thing but it's like if I initiate a contact with someone, it feels like I'm the 'weaker' one. I've been like that since I was younger, though as to where it's stemming from I do not know. Everyone who knows about it thinks it's dumb I feel that way about initiating contact. Oh lord, it's only been a day that I didn't hear from S-. I gave in and texted him earlier so will see how that goes. I'm trying to think back to my time here that I didn't know him, but is that possible? I soo need to meet more folks.

Friday night and the feeling's right

Friday started out well. It's been a while since I've read The Little Prince and granted I've read it a lot of times, it still makes me teary-eyed as simple as the story might be. The day was okay, me and V- were out and about on the floors working on trouble tickets that were open. Thursday night, I made my way out to Suitland, MD to see her daughter sing in a group at their school's concert. It was fun, just getting to hang out with V- and just talking about stuff. We were hysterical in the train watching Lisa Lampanelli. Some of Lisa's jokes would just leave you with your mouth open. It was a nice evening. Having become friends with V- made my stay here better but then, there's really no way but up, not that it has been horrible since my move here.

I actually asked S- if he wanted to see Shrek 3 with me. He said yes so I was looking forward to that. Funny how I was thinking how he was like the fox from the book. I've been usually hanging out with him on Fridays so yesterday, as the day is coming to an end, I felt happier and happier because I'll get to see S-. We spoke on the phone around 5 pm, and he said that he has been in meetings all day which can be tiring. I told him that he can just go home and get some rest, not telling him that I've already purchased the tickets for the 10:30 show.

I was debating to head out to the city and just walk around since I kinda got into a mindset that I'll be out and about for the evening. I ended up going still though I just missed the happy hour at DC Eagle, getting to the closest train station at 8:05. I was standing outside for a bit since I was a bit nervous going in by myself but ya know, what's the worse that could really happen so I made my way in. The bartender I chatted with, Je- was there so that put me at ease at least. And another guy I spoke with, Ju- was there as well. I actually forgot his name and he had to tell me what it was. He asked about S- and I said S- is probably home sleeping since he was tired. We got to talking, and I found out he was in the Air Force as well, went to the same base for schooling, etc. I learned some interesting things how the leather world works. What "family" meant, what it means when you have a brother, a Sir, etc. One never stops learning.

With drinking, I tend not to remember some things that happen when I get drunk. Tuesday, I was gonna say looks like but I did black out for a bit. Ju- was telling me how I sorta got thrown out of the bathroom, etc. I remember being in a stall talking to S- and a manager being there as well saying that there can't be two people in a stall, etc. I don't remember going in, or why but Ju- told me that S- and I were arguing for a bit. Not that it was loud or anything, but S- got pissed since I was talking to another guy and got the guy's number. Je- said that everybody thought that me and S- were together, but one in an open relationship more than likely. I just laughed when he told me that. I told him I've just been hanging out with S- for about three weeks now, and we never really talked about 'us' since I don't know, there isn't an 'us'!? Je- was explaining what the difference was between seeing someone and dating someone, and how S- and I probably like each other but just won't admit to it. I guess we did give off a couple vibe when we went out that day. It's interesting hearing about it from an outsider's point of view. He just told me some little things, how he thought I was an alright guy but didn't ask for my phone number with S- being there and all. He told me that S- was the one who took my glass away when I was talking to the one dude. I remember taking one shot but after that, Ju- said I had two more tequila shots. And when we left, we kinda did so abruptly. I just thought huh..

So that was that, I ended up talking to the bartenders and a Sir. The Sir seemed like a nice guy and told me how yesterday shouldn't be my last time being there. He told me I should go to the Leatherfest. I had to ask what it was and they said it is a party, so will see about that one. Je- was calling me a cub so yea, thought it was kinda funny.

I ended up not going to the movies. I asked them if I could use the online reservation for a later show and the girl told me to just check with the manager upstairs. I ended up hanging out with a guy I never met but chatted with a few times. We just walked around Chinatown for a little bit trying to find a place that was open but they were all closed, and it was only 11! We ended up just sitting by Haegen Dasz and just talking. I got ice cream and to think it was really cold out. We just talked maybe for an hour or so. I was a bit tipsy after drinking at the bar, and was getting really sleepy so we made our way back to the metro station. We stood around for a while and talked even more until our train got there. We found more stuff to talk about so that was good, there were talks about getting together again so will have to make sure that happens.

I start school this Monday so that would keep me busy at least. The actual class for History will be Mondays and Wednesdays for about 3 hrs each for six weeks. The other three, will be distance learning for 16 so it shouldn't be too bad. Though taking Precalculus with Trigonometry online, will see how that'll go, having to make sense out of all the formulas only from a book.

Well it's almost 5 now. Just went running today and went to pick up some groceries. That was like four hours ago so definitely need to get showered now and do laundry. Probably just stay in and watch some DVD's. Listening to Landslide right now, the only Stevie Nicks I know so far. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.....

Soar higher like an eagle

I feel good in a James Brown kind of way. That sounded funny to me so shut up. Figured I'd just write a new post to kinda push the other entry down. Talk about picture overload haha

The weekend was kinda quiet. I went and saw Hot Fuzz Friday night and absolutely loved it. I went by myself though since some guy I was supposed to go with two weeks ago cancelled and has disappeared from the face of the earth since then, well on my world at least. I don't know why some folks found it shocking when I told them I went to see it alone, like how can I even do such a thing. I think I ended up watching it free since I went to the self-service ticket counter and grabbed whatever came out. When I handed it to the guy, he told me that he can't take it since it wasn't a ticket. When I looked at the "ticket," it actually was the receipt so ran back down to the machine trying to find my ticket. I looked over and there it was, a ticket for Hot Fuzz for the showtime I was trying to get into. I took it and just made my way back and handed it to the guy. I felt naughty with what I did and when one of the workers was walking around inside the theater, I got nervous thinking they're trying to find me. Thanks universe :)

After that, made my way to McDonald's since I haven't eaten anything since lunch. Spoke to my coworker V- for a little bit. We've become good friends so am really glad about that, something to keep me smiling when I'm at work. We act like kids sometimes, we'd just start giggling over little things like someone's last name being Adcock. I'd just say "This is Willie, whatchu want" and we'd bust out laughing but you'd have to hear this to know why.

The weekend was quiet. I stayed in Saturday and mostly did some cleaning but didn't get to bed 'til about 5:30 am. Got woken up around 10 when of the aunts called, and after that pretty much called up all the 'moms' I know and wished them a Happy Mother's Day. I then ironed my clothes for the week and guess a bit bummed out that I'm home on a Sunday when it was really nice out. I ended up stepping out and going to a Korean restaurant and grabbed something to eat. V- called while I was eating and we ended up walking around Old Town in Alexandria. She brought her daughter with her which got me nervous for a little bit since she's like 14 yrs old. We ended up having a great time. Walking down by the water, playing with some parrots, drinking up some Starbucks and enjoying the area. I was being silly and it made the kid laugh so it's all good. We were even singing and dancing on the way back to their car. It's kinda weird that this sorta came true since V- later on told me she was feeling a bit down since it was Mother's Day and they were staying home after going out for lunch earlier that day.

Today you might find a new way of bringing people together, Kristopher. The energy of the day could inspire you to form an alliance of some sort. You might strike up a friendship with someone, and both of you could help each other out. Or you could decide to team up with someone whose skills, energy, and personality complement your own on a project. The two of you could make a successful combination!

I was really glad I got to hang out with them though the evening kinda took a bad turn after some incidents with a friend. Drunken phone calls, me making my way out to DC, then my friend pretty much ignoring me when I got there. I briefly touched on S- in an older post and I'm just kinda confused about where we stand. We're supposed to be friends, but something happened so yea, it sure does complicate things. It's kinda cute when he was trying to make me jealous over the phone. But I guess I was a little bit since if I wasn't, I would not have gotten dressed and made the drive to DC to see him. It was just a weird night.

Tuesday though, we met up after getting off work. I wanted to stop by H&M to check out some black slacks so I told S- that I was gonna be in the area. He said he was gonna go running so I said we can just meet up afterwards after I get my shopping done, and he went running. I texted saying I'll give him a call when I got to DC and when I did, he actually was at H&M already *blush I made my way up and had to casually shake his hands when I saw him, and just said what's up but I really wanted to hug him. We had a smile on our faces so guess that's a good thing. I ended up not buying any pants since they didn't look right around the buttocks area. S- was saying that of course it wouldn't since the clothes are of European cut. I said yea, I guess since mine's a little too big and he laughed saying I was full of myself.

After leaving H&M, we ended up making our way to a bar. I was kinda thinking Isn't this early to be going to a bar since it was only around 5 pm by then. He took me to a leather bar so that's another checked off of my list. Now I can say I've been to Eagle. It was actually nice though at first, I was a bit nervous with it being a leather bar and all. The folks are friendly, even the bartender introduced himself. I spoke to a few people and even got kissed by this one guy on his way out. This was the day I found out who Falwell was since one guy talked to me about him and I said that I did not know who it was. S- and I caught up about what we did over the weekend, and for Sunday, he remembers bits and pieces of it, well mostly the good stuff. That that's the good thing when he's drunk, he only remembers the good things. Well not for the sober ones, I said. He asked if I was gonna bring up what happened Sunday night and I said no. I got my hug though since I told him I wanted to at H&M but didn't. Some of the guys that we end up talking with thought we were together. I got another guy's number which didn't sit well with S-. My coworker/friend V- had to explain to me that I shouldn't get guys' numbers when I'm out with S-. I guess I was only thinking of myself, ya know kinda glad that I'm sorta networking and meeting people at least, maybe meet friends in the process.

I met S-'s friend, St- as well though at first when he said his friend's coming, I was thinking why'd he even do that. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out with my friend or whoever, I don't like it when they bring somebody else in. I just want them all to me. St- was an alright guy though. I "lost" my mug at the bar though since S- had the bartender take it away when I was chatting with somebody whose number I got.

We ended up leaving around 9 and made our way out to Chinatown stopping by Fuddruckers and grabbing something to eat. Of course this whole time, S- was rambling how I keep talking to other guys and getting their numbers. He said he'd talk to them and that is it. He's lived here for five years so he knows folks while I don't. But like V- said, it's not right to do that if I'm with S-. My silly self find it adorable when S- gets all hyped up but I just really didn't think much of what I was doing. He kept on and on about it when we were eating, and when St- was driving us both, how I sucked and he shouldn't be speaking to me. S- lives in DC while I'm in Va and St- drove me all the way to the train station where I was parked so that was really nice of him. I sent him a thank you e-mail since that's the most I can do. I got home and passed right out.

It's all good though. With the beginning of the post, that's how I really felt yesterday. The whole time I was in the train, I just had a smile on my face thinking that life is good. Not that it isn't, but sometimes with all the things that go through, we tend to forget that. But yesterday, I just had that feeling and it was nice. S- asked me if I had fun the previous night, and rather than just saying yes, I texted: Yes! I've had a smile on my face since waking up because of last night. Seeing you did me good. Probably a bit too much but at that time, that's how I really felt. I'm trying to make it a point of telling folks how I feel. Making my self vulnerable in the process but with doing that, knowing how flexible or unbreakable I can be.

Mother's Day

I remember looking out the balcony as my mom goes home after dropping me off to school. I'd poke my head out and wave, until she and the other mothers make a left turn, disappearing from my view in those mornings. It was a bit odd since I don't remember crying when I was in kindergarten, or even first grade, only in the second grade which seemed to be an emotional time for me somehow.





I probably don't give her as much credit as I
should, but sometimes I think how I turned out all comes down to me. I'm sure my mom's love played a role or maybe it was all that I needed, after all. I know it might not sound I had a happy childhood sometimes when you read what I write but despite of all the things that happened, I can look back and still smile. There were a lot of good times as well but I think it's the pain that I'm letting go by writing it out. What a sad life, I thought for so long, not that I now think it's happy.


I do love my mom and I can say we do have a great relationship. I call her on and we can go on for hours just talking about things. We are two complete opposites that people comment on how she managed to raise a child like me. She does have a big heart, and she welcomes everybody with open arms. I remember cringing when we're out and about and she'd converse with random people. I'd think "God, she's at it again" and act like I didn't know the woman. With all the things that she went through, even to this day, she'd tell me that she was able to hold it together because of me. I just laugh it off, but it humbles me deeply when I sit down and think about it. Sometimes I think it's stupid but then had it been any other way, I'm not sure I would have been where I am.

My other aunts' kids are all pretty young, and they would tell my mom they hope that their kids would turn out the way I did. She'd say to trust everything to God. My mom did pray a lot. She did do novenas and I just sat there wondering what she was praying about. All I did pray for was to get to meet my father. On my birthday, the first thing we'd do is make our way out to Quiapo, Manila and pay respect to the Black Nazarene. This is the one church where she'd walk on her knees to get to the front of the church where the statue is. It usually rains on my birthday since it's in the rainy season, and she always carried me on her back, rather than letting my shoes get wet on our way

After all that happened, she was always there for me.She could have said the hell with me a long time ago, and she didn't. Sometimes I guess I forget that she was a young girl once, and had her all these dreams and ambitions. I certainly don't think that becoming a single mother was one of it. I'm thankful she stood by me, though some aren't as lucky. So to my mom, my aunts, my grandma and to all the mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day and thank you for the gift.

Forgive your mother! Forgive her not for the things she has done or not done, for the things she has said or has not said. Forgive her because it is the only way to open your heart to self-forgiveness. Forgive her not because you don't have a right to be upset about the way she has handled some things in her life and in your life. Forgive her not because she was right in making you feel wrong, or because she was wrong when she failed to acknowledge that you were right. Forgive your mother because until you do, there will be a void in your heart.

Forgive your mother for the many, many times she was not the mother you wanted her to be. Forgive her for the times she did not do things the way you needed them done. Forgive your mother for not protecting you or speaking out in your behalf. Forgive her for not guiding you in the right direction and for the times she totally lost her direction, dragging you along with her. Forgive your mother for demanding things from you that she could not provide for you or for herself. Forgive your mother whether or not she did anything wrong or bad to you. Forgive her not because you are excusing whatever she did or however it affected you. Forgive your mother because holding judgments against her has a devastating impact on your soul. The judgments you hold will eventually break your heart. Forgive your mother because the truth is, she did the best she could whether you would like to believe it or not.

Until today, you may have been harboring judgments or negative opinions about your mother and the way she did or did not mother you. Just for today, forgive yourself for judging your mother. Once you do, there will be nothing left to forgive her for.

- Iyanla Vanzant

North Caroliiiina

Well, the plan for NYC was scratched after we went out Friday night and didn't get home 'til 3. I ended up grabbing a bite with some guy Friday evening out in the U Street area of DC. A friend I met recently - S lives a few blocks down so I called him and checked what he was doing. He said he was getting ready to go to bed but his friend called and wanted him to go out. He was having second thoughts about it but when we spoke and he found out I was in the area, he just went ahead and got ready.


While I was having dinner with said guy, there's actually a voicemail that came in from an old, old friend of mine. We were classmates in elementary back in the Philippines, and I actually got a hold of him when I first moved here. However, after I left Cali and moved to FL, we lost touch. I've tried calling the number that I had, but it was disconnected. I went on a spy mode and looked up their area with the said friend's last name, and I think I actually called each number and left a voicemail explaining to them who I was, and why I was calling. Months passed and last Friday, my friend Billy did call me back (Screw the B- thing) He asked how I found his number so I explained it to him. It's real easy nowadays to find people's info, well maybe that's the stalker side kicking in. I'm just good like that hehe.



It was really good catching up with him after all these years, though he's forgotten a lot of folks from our school days. He even called me by the wrong name, some folks called me by my middle name, Dedrick and on his voicemail, he asked for a Patrick. I go by my first name now, so had to tell him that when he asked why I changed my name. It was great, it was still a surprise getting to talk to him. I think I kept saying " can't believe I'm talking to you!" throughout our conversation. We've talked about meeting but he's in Cali while I'm in DC so will see how that'll pan out. I said we can meet halfway jokingly, and he agreed so guess we'll find out.

After the call, I just stood by a corner waiting for my friend S- to come. We went to this bar called Halo which was alright. We just stayed there for a little bit, leaving after having just one drink. It's funny how like everybody knew him, but then he's lived here for five years now and I on the otherhand, five months. It was fun still though, I just let him be a butterfly and I kinda just leaned back against the counter watching people and the videos playing. I got to talk to some folks maybe 30 mins or so after being there. They were doing shots and I got pulled in to do one. I chatted with them with a bit. And towards the end, got into a conversation with one guy P- for a little bit. 'twas funny that when S- joined the conversation, it kinda went to a halt and he was saying how he's gonna let me and P- get back to enjoying our talk. Just asked mostly things you'd ask someone you just met, where are they from, what do they do ie. student/job, etc. I think he has a bf though, well he said he did which means he probably does. Funny how as we were going our own ways, I ended up P-'s bf's work number instead of his. Have yet to call them though.


I crashed at S- place and slept in hence reason why the trip to NYC was cancelled. We were gonna catch the bus around noon and just spend the night there, and go right back around. I left his place around 1, calling my dad on my way to the car since he had a missed call the previous evening. He was checking if I was coming since the rest of the cousins were asking about me. I said I wasn't sure since that was a 6-hr drive ya know. But a bit after that, I called him back and told him I'll make my way out, it's family. I didn't get to leave the house 'til a few hours since I had lunch first, and had to get packed and everything.


It was a good stay overall. Attending my cousin's graduation, just getting to see some of the family I've never met, like the aunt I've talked about in some old posts. It felt like a family reunion since a bunch made their way to Charlotte, but then most of them live in Atlanta so it's not too far. The farthest is my dad in California, and an Aunt in Rochester, then me in DC. It was really exciting, seeing my cousin graduate. I got to talking with one cousin about going to school and it made me want to go. I'll be applying to some schools, more than likely in Florida, and try to get in for the Spring term. Military kinda felt like being in college, but of course, it's still not the same since I'm earning something different this time around. With the mil, I got to meet people from all walks of life and some of the things I went through, it made me into a better person ( I certainly hope so!) With school, it'll be the same but along with a diploma.


I might, might not write more but wanted to get this out today at least, and share a pic or two to y'all. The first one is with all the cousins, and the second is the majority of the family that came, minus the graduate.

I got a hunger only tacos can stop

This still cracks me up and it's been four years since I've watched it...

Sweet escape

That gwen stefani song is stuck in my head. Wooohoooo Weeeehoooo I'm just taking a quick break before I head out on jobs. I'm still trying to get signed up for some summer classes and will get to do them tomorrow. I'd have to give it a day before the transfer goes through so the system is rejecting my card. It'll cost a LOT to go full-time (about $250 for each credit hours and my cousin told me to just wait it out until next year so I can pay in-state tuition rates. It's outrageous since out-of-state rates is aboout $250 and taking 12 credits, hmm. I considered it but that'll be just too long that I'm not taking any classes. I was taking one last summer but withdrew when I needed to go back to the Philippines due to the death in the family.

I guess I'm just a bit bored. Not that I don't mind not doing anything, but going back to school will keep me busy at least. I'm gonna take one real-time and three online courses, just to give me an idea what it's like. I have a feeling I'll like going to classes better since I did enjoy the interaction with the teacher and just hearing their stories and the way they explain things. I miss sitting in a classroom learning from a sensei. I've bought the books yesterday and will skim through them at least once maybe next week.

Aside from that, it's been good here at work. This one girl V- and I have been talking a lot more. Instead of splitting the trouble calls, we'd come out together and fix the issues. It's been fun, we make each other laugh. I can make her laugh with just my facial expression. They told me I make some weird faces which in turn makes them laugh. They say I'm goofy, which I can be, but I think that's also because I've become more comfortable with me. In the mil, I kinda held back worrying people might find out about me so I tended to keep to myself until my last few weeks. Some wished I would have opened up more sooner. I did too, but as long as we got to make memories, I'm glad about that.

The aunt (my dad's sister) called me Monday after being MIA for like a month. I called her a few times, and even left a message but didn't hear back. My cousin is actually graduating from univ down in Charlotte, NC this Sunday but I'm not going. Even my dad, mom and bro will fly in since the mentioned aunt paid for their ticket. It's a six hour drive and right now, I don't see myself making that drive to be with them. I'm glad I got to finally meet them last year, but I think I've come to a point where I'm okay with the way things are now. I wish it were different but sometimes I just feel too tired in getting to know them. I'm full of contradictions, since I get some moments where I'd want to do just that, yet other times, think to myself to why even bother.
A fellow blogger I met mentioned that me and my cousins really have nothing in common, except for the blood that runs in our veins. I have more love to some bloggers which I know might sound weird but I just do. Maybe I'm just not giving them the family a chance...

Instead of going to Charlotte, I might end up in NYC this weekend. A guy I met just last weekend is planning to go to NY and told me to think about it. I wasn't planning to but now that week's almost over, I let him know this morning that I'll come with him. I 'll find out tonight where we're staying, or how we're even getting there.
Funny how I agreed to go with him, yet won't do the same for the family. What's the matter with me, I tell ya. I'm still trying to build up my life here in DC and I'll admit it's been a bit hard making friends. The ACNYer touched very well on how I feel sometimes. I think I've become comfortable with it in a sense not 'coz I had to, but I think more of making peace with the way things are. It can be hard sometimes, but it's all up to me to make myself happy, and not depend on people. If people can make me happy, they can also make me unhappy.

I need to go back out on jobs. Just wanted to write a little something. Aside from date, I met someone at a bar. I had the courage to ask a guy for his phone number but will see how that goes. I've called him once since Friday, but only got his voicemail. I left a message and he texted me the next day letting me know he did get it so will see. Another one, I e-mailed with and chatted online and was supposed to see Hot Fuzz with last Sunday. He texted like 2 am that morning saying he had to go back to Ohio due to some family issues. Regardless, I'll make it a point of watching the movie, maybe Monday.

Well gotta go now, my gurl's been out in the floors for too long without me. Our coworker is teasing us since we ended up wearing lavender shirts today. It wasn't planned, more of a coincidence. I'm just trying to be more colorful in the clothes I wear, that's all really. Hope you have a great Thursday. I'll just take it slow, it's my TV night so will be set put at 8 with My Name is Earl, The Office and Grey's.

I'm gonna give it a try

I'm up as usual since I fell asleep after getting home from work today. I didn't get to bed 'til about 1:30 yesterday after catching a show in DC once again. I got to see Peter Bjorn and John last night play at 9:30 Club. That place has become a favorite after having gone there to see three shows the past two months, Scissor Sisters, Radio Soulwax, Peter Bjorn and John and in a few weeks, Keane.

I got to the club around 8:30 since they weren't playing until 10. Doors opened at 7:30 but there was still a queue when I arrived. It felt a bit weird standing in line by myself, I kinda wished I had someone to go with at least. On my way, I was talking to my cousin and she mentioned something that got me thinking for a sec, well just when she was on the phone. It's how when I'm about to experience something, I get excited and hyped up over it, whether it be meeting someone, or catching a show in this case. I won't shut up about it, yet when the time comes, I get this weird thought like "Why'd I even bother with this?" I usually end up having a good time but still not sure why that feeling creeps in EVERY single time I'm about to experience something new. Maybe it's fear, but eventhough i feel the fear, i do it anyway.

I just hang around the club for a while, had a drink or two before the show started. Granted I was wishing I was with people, I guess I give off the leave-me-alone vibe. One guy actually chatted me up a bit about the opening acts, and we just talked for another minute and he wandered off. I only got to see the last song for the first opening act and I don't even know what the band's name was. The second opening act was Fujiya & Miyagi which I found out just tonight is actually a British band. The show was great, Peter Bjorn & John played songs mostly from their first album. Of course, I only knew Young Folks but enjoyed the show regardless. They even played a new material, something about called Black coffins?, dealing with life and death (hard for me to get the words just by listening to a song). DC is their first stop for their North American tour and I was actually glad I was part of it in a way.

Like one of their songs said: and the question is, was i more alive then than i am now? i happily have to disagree; i laugh more often now, i cry more often now, i am more me

Gotta get back to watching About a Boy now. I've seen it a few times but it never fails to make me smile. I just talked to my mom about an hour ago and got to thinking about things.

There is no God

Well, according to this one writer. I haven't gone to This I Believe for quite sometime, but I copied over my favorites back in my mil days and just started reading it again. Some posts just make you smile, and get you teary-eyed but in a good way. I was while eating my lunch. Nothing and so much has been going on at the same time, but will write more about it later. For now, I wanted to share the most viewed essay on This I Believe by Penn....

I believe that there is no God. I'm beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy -- you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do. You can't prove that there isn't an elephant inside the trunk of my car. You sure? How about now? Maybe he was just hiding before. Check again. Did I mention that my personal heartfelt definition of the word ''elephant'' includes mystery, order, goodness, love and a spare tire?

So, anyone with a love for truth outside of herself has to start with no belief in God and then look for evidence of God. She needs to search for some objective evidence of a supernatural power. All the people I write e-mails to often are still stuck at this searching stage. The atheism part is easy.

But, this ''This I Believe'' thing seems to demand something more personal, some leap of faith that helps one see life's big picture, some rules to live by. So, I'm saying, ''This I believe: I believe there is no God.''

Having taken that step, it informs every moment of my life. I'm not greedy. I have love, blue skies, rainbows and Hallmark cards, and that has to be enough. It has to be enough, but it's everything in the world and everything in the world is plenty for me. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. Just the love of my family that raised me and the family I'm raising now is enough that I don't need heaven. I won the huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day.

Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.

Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, ''I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith.'' That's just a long-winded religious way to say, ''shut up,'' or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, ''How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do.'' So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.

Believing there is no God means the suffering I've seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn't caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn't bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future.

Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.

Friyay

Wow, the week sure did fly by. One more day of answering phones and next week, will be out on the floor fixing things, not really sure how I feel about it. I run into unique computer problems, and I guess that's a good thing but sometimes, I'd rather not learn just yet.

Yesterday was the first time I ran after a week and a half of not doing anything. It felt good since I wanted to shake off this weird feeling that came over me earlier. Just got to thinking about going back to Florida, to a point where I thought to just quit this job and move back down. Just been thinking about school lately. Granted, I'm taking classes this summer however, I'm gonna have to pay out-of-state tuition fee and it'll cost a LOT. It won't be until Spring that I can become a residen, and with that, I'll lose the scholarship back in Florida. It'll pay 75% so hmmm.. I still have a while though, it'll be good until Dec 2009, three years after I got out of the military so will see.

I'm liking the DC area more. Getting to see music shows, and living pretty close to the city has been good. Knowing I have all these options of things to do, places to see, is nice. I need to start meeting people again though. I kinda took a break from meeting new folks after that whole E- incident. And to think, he doesn't even live here. I oughta write about that evening since it feels like I only write about the not so good things. Getting two hours of sleep and coming in to work the next day, mannn that was rough.I used to say I wouldn't do that but sometimes, one gets caught up in the moment. I was with him and a friend I never met until that day. It doesn't make much sense but will explain later.

It still sucks not having friends in the area but I'm more at peace with that now. Here and there, I'd wish I did when I see a group of folks just out and about, but I'm being patient. Obviously, I can't just wish and not do anything so meeting possibly two people this weekend and see how that goes. I might see Hot Fuzz with one of them but still trying to finalize it. And Saturday, maybe explore the museums. I've been here four months and have yet to set foot at any. I've hit the bars and clubs but those doesn't really count, does it?

My dad's gonna be in NC next week for my cousin's graduation. I probably won't go, I kinda forgot all about it after the aunt who I've been talking to kinda went off the radar. It's a 6-hr drive and doubt I'd be up for it. There's gonna be a wedding this summer too but it's in Atlanta so doubt I'd go to that one either. My dad doesn't even know my mom's coming to the States. I MIGHT pick her up from Cali to Florida but will see how that'll go. Oh wow, that's coming up soon.

Enough

Since moving here in NoVa, I've been asked mostly by cashiers what i am. With some, I find it funny when they say they can tell by the eyes. The homeless lady, she cracked me up when she said it's because of my chinky eyes (I'm sure she didn't mean it in a bad way).

Last Monday, I got asked about where I was from twice at two different stores. The first one kinda argued about it with me coz I told her the Philippines. I mentioned that I grew up there though my dad is black. As if I wasn't aware, I don't look black she was insisting that I can't be from there since I'm black. I mentioned that I'm mixed and I think kinda offended her when I said I might look black, but I'm not. I guess to a point that might seem racist since some folks might think I'm disowning my blackness. But what can I do really? Granted I lived in Florida for two years, I feel like I'm lying when I say I was from there when I'm well aware that I just lived there. Sometimes I think I just should to just not deal with the questions. The second girl, she just accepted what I said, and even thanked me in Tagalog on my way out. Dunno what really prompted the question.

Even with ethnicity in questionnaires, I still have an issue checking off which. I can check off Asian but I really don't look like it, I can check off Black but I don't feel like I am one, if that makes sense. I'm not one more than the other. I used to think why couldn't have I just looked like the rest when growing up. It would have been easier, but being mixed, people kinda had a higher expectation of me, even my mom. You can't mess up, it's enough that you were left behind by a foreign father, you gotta do better. I used to feel like the picture, but not anymore.


I'm working the late shift since my coworker had a medical appointment to go to. Everybody pretty much left around 6, so I'm all by myself at the office. I like it like this sometimes, nobody but me so I come in 20 mins before my shift starts sometimes. I usually laugh it off as far as my race and whatnot, but just got to thinking about it tonight.

Not black enough to be black, not filipino enough for Filipino. I guess I can just be me, and that should be enough.

I'm bald again

It's Tuesday now as I finish writing this. Was meaning to write all morning but got sidetracked with all the people calling *shocks

 

It was a good weekend. It apparently was nice up here in DC but I found out a little bit too late. I've made plans to make my way back to Hampton, which is a three-hour drive which as some of you would know where I used to live unitl December during my time in the military. I really haven't gone back since I left, but lately I kinda felt the need to come back to something familiar even for a little bit. I really wouldn't say that it was homesickness since my time there wasn't really the greatest, partly due to me as well and some things that went on.

I actually stayed at M-'s house whom I dated late '06. We dated for like three weeks but with me getting out of the military, being undecided what to do next, it kinda made things complicated and it sorta fizzled. He thought I didn't like him, which I did but I was confused about what my next step will be so kinda let if fall by the wayside eventhough I was starting to develop feelings for him. 

I made my drive straight after work last Friday and it was crrrrazy. Took me an hour to drive 20 miles, getting away from the NoVA area. I didn't get to where I needed to go 'til about 2015 (8:15 pm for you civilian folks kidding!!) I was a bit tired but I was glad I made the trip. I got a bit nostalgic driving down the streets I used to drive in, and the sunset was just amazing. It just had the perfect shade of orange and I was just in awe looking at it from the rear view mirror. Things appear bigger that way too. M- has three labradors, and I kinda missed those dogs too. I didn't know what to get for him, so I ended up getting some squeaky toys for the dogs instead and none for him. I seriously didn't know what to get. I suck at gift-giving. I didn't realize how cute those toys were, I was wanting to keep one for me.

I got there, and after freshening up a bit, we stepped out and went to the Ghent area. I loved this area since they have an independent theater and video rental store that I used to go to. Getting to watch some indie films, and brit sitcoms The Vicar of Dibley, the Peep Show, etc. We went to a Texas grill place and just caught up on what each other has been up to, etc. The topic of us came up eventually and we were able to talk about it. How it just sorta passively ended leaving both of us not in the know of what actually happened. We've both moved on but I did miss him for a bit, just laughing with him, talking with him. I pretty much told him how I felt. I know it's past but I think we both needed that conversation, call it closure if you will. He told me he was glad to hear those things, coz I did let him know I reconsidered staying in the area after I've met him. 2006 wasn't the greatest to be honest, I had a hard time making friends, and with the deaths in the family, seeing them and having to come back to aloneness, it got the best of me. I pulled away from everybody, resurfacing in the world for a bit of air, then sinking back down. Towards the end, I liked it a bit more living in Hampton after having met M-. I'd go to work smiling, having someone to look forward to seeing. Ah well, that's the past. What can you do but move forward.

 

This drink he had me try was actually good. Instead of ordering just margarita, you can ask for margarita vodka or vodka margarita, with no salt. He told me instead of using tequila, they would use vodka instead. Either vodka margarita or margarita vodka, I seriously don't remember haha. What I know about alcohol is pretty much limited. I use the bathroom like crazy when I drink so guess that's good my system flushes it right out.

 

Saturday, it's more of a lazy day and we went to an Italian place and had calzone. It's been my favorite ever since I got to eat it the first time back in Oct when we had it when I first met M-. We just went to the mall and walked around, and we were gonna see Grindhouse but it wasn't playing until 10 pm. The alergy pill made us both tired so we just left and went back to his place. Stopping by Naro in between, grabbing some Dairy Queen shake thinking it'll wake us up, and the rental store to get some movies. Got Shortbus and Monsters Inc since he hasn't seen either one. I haven't seen Shortbus, and now that I have I really can't say that I like it or not. I don't know what to think of it really. He just stayed in, while I got ready to meet out with my friend MJ-. I haven't seen her since I left so it was good catching up again after all this time. We just went to a club and danced around mostly. Boy, were we drenched. The club was packed and we felt like dancing after just watching people dance for an hour. We left a little bit after they stopped serving alcohol but I sat around for a bit to sober up. Not that I had that many drinks. I had maybe three!? But I tend to drink them like soda, drink it right up in like 5 minutes. I didn't get back to M's place til like 4 since I got lost. MJ- told me to make a right turn at this one street. I remembered the street name but not which way to take so made a left and just kept on going....and going...and going. After stopping at a gas station, I just looked up the directions and find my way back in no time. Got McDonald's pancake and sausage yummmm.. Good thing the woman didn't hear me the first time I ordered and asked for a sausage muffin, but seeing that they had pancakes, I remembered how much I liked it. When I was working at McDonald's, I'd order pancakes and sausage for dinner. I just love pancakes, I eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I get in the mood. I didn't use syrup until moving to the U.S. though. What we did is put sugar, and evaporated milk on it instead of butter and syrup. I didn't even know what syrups were.

 

Didn't wake up 'til 10 and we planned on having brunch at least, MJ-, M- and I but that didn't happen. M- sister was gonna come by around noon to go some music and arts show they had in DC, and MJ- was gonna go to a birthday party of the boy she babysits. I messaged my other friend J- and asked if he was busy. I was planning to just have short brunch with him but we ended up just sitting there for like three hours, shooting the breeze and talking. I kinda stopped e-mailing him after having moved here, just questioning some things. Eventhough we've become good friends, how I met him was kinda shady since he pretended to be somebody else. He thought I was cheating with his bf so he used a pseudonym trying to get information from me. He asked if I go to a site called adam4adam which I never heard of until he mentioned it teehee. He explained everything to me later on and it really didn't bother me, or I thought it didn't.

 

I guess I do trust easily but I really can't not to. I've met some people that are just cynical, realistic maybe but I can't not trust. I can't go through life thinking something bad is going to happen, and that I can't trust people in this time and age. I've been wronged but that won't stop me from believing that of the good out there. There's so much goodness around, but people tend to focus on the wrongs. Maybe it's just because nothing major has happened to me yet to make me think otherwise. I've just always relied on people's kindness, and I think to an extent, you get what you put out in the universe. Teehee, you get what you put out. But joking aside, I really rely on strangers navigating through this life. I always think back when I was 16, lost in Tallahassee trying to find my way back to the FSU campus. I was waving people down (back when I didn't know what the hitchhiking sign was) but eventually just came up to one car and took my chances. Knocking on the poor guy's window, asking him if he can take me to FSU since I can't find my way around and I needed to be back in 15 minutes or I won't graduate from the Boys State program. He did gave me ride, and eventhough I took his name down, didn't really get to send him a thank you note or anything. That has been five years ago, and since then I've done the same. I've given rides to folks, a woman who I gave a ride since it'll be pointless waiting for the bus for like half an hour, a couple who managed the Bailey and Barnum circus who bought an LCD TV and instead of having to walk a mile or two to get to their train right next to the train station. The guy actually told me to give them a call and offered to tour me around, show me the animals, and get me in to the show for free. Did I go? No. But regardless, doing these things really doesn't take much out of one's time. I just try do my part when I see someone who needs a little help, remembering what it was like when I was in their shoes, that it was a random act of a stranger that made all the difference, whether they realize it or not.

 

And I was just writing about the weekend. Went a little off but after talking with J- for a few hours, I had to make my way back. He told me not to write about what happened next when we were by our cars shooting the breeze. A bird did a kamikaze attack on him. He's giving me a hard time over something, and out of nowhere you just see this mass just fall right on his forehead. That was the funniest thing, seeing the whole thing unfold.

 

I made it home 3 1/2 hours later. Got showered, tried shaving and messed up my moustache, I shaved off a bit more than I intended making it look like a triangle. So just shaved it all off, it feels weird not having it since I look different. A little bit later, after watching Planet Earth, I got the urge to shave my hair so now I'm bald again, or skinhead a better term.

No, I don't think that song was about me Carly

I'm just on my lunch break and got about 20 more minutes before I go back. I'm halfway done thank goodness. It's been a good few days. Last Thursday, I actually went to the local community college and took the placement exam for English and Math. I did really well, eventhough I've been out of school for about five years. It's crazy to think that it's been that long since I was in school. I signed up for some courses when I was in Japan, but dropped most of them due to different things. Lack of motivation, wanting to work part-time instead, etc. Sometimes it feels like I wasted like those years of not taking any classes, but ah well, that's the past and nothing I can do about it.

 

I'm getting excited about going to school again though right now, I'm just gonna be taking Distance Learning courses since I'm going to pick up my mom in the West Coast this summer when she moves here. Gives me an excuse to go back to Cali again though I'll have her fly to SoCal since my dad is in the Bay area and I'd rather keep them apart. Not that there's bad blood between them, though I think they've pretty much stopped talking to each other for a few years now. I was pretty much their link, and with me not living with either one of them, there's really no reason for them to call each other up. I'm gonna sign up for a full load so it can give me a good feel of how it'll feel like going to school full time. It'll run for four months so it shouldn't be too hard, just need to balance all my courses. I'm signing up for Math, History, and a Computer class and this other thing they require all students to take, a developmental course. I'm gonna have to pay out-of-state rate though so will see how much the financial aid will cover. It's just insane, how much they charge if you're not a state resident. Mostly been working on school last week, well figuring out which ones to take since some I know I'd rather take in a traditional classroom. I enjoy the interaction with the teacher.. even more if they're cute.

 

I pretty much stayed in this weekend and watched a bunch of movies. I was gonna try to make it to the Cherry Blossom Parade but woke up at 10:30, and found out the parade started at 10. I just watched it on the television while I stayed in bed, bundled in my comforter. It was cold and windy, and it's hard for me to go out and about when it's like that. I'd rather stay in and do nothing. Watched The Prestige, Absolutely Fabulous, and finished the rest of Volver. It was freaking me out a bit with the "ghost" and what not, though it all made sense after seeing more of the movie. I cried watching it, though laughed at me while doing so. I find it funny sometimes how I can bawl over a movie though one time when I was younger, my cousins and my neighbor made fun when they saw me crying while watching a show. I got so angry, I went upstairs, cursing them out aloud. To think I usually didn't curse when I was younger....not that I do now.

 

I'm going out on jobs this week once again and will try my best to not let things get to me. There's this one lady that I spoke with ( I forgot her name again) and she asked me how I've been, etc. She was out of the office all last week since her grandbaby was sick, but I would not have known since I was manning the phones all last week. She commented on how her grandbaby was like me since he was a happy baby. How my "kind"  might have all the problem in the world but you won't be able to tell since we always have a smile on our face. It is true though since when I was in the mil, I can be close to breaking down yet still smiled to everybody. Not that it's bad since it got my superiors to do things in my favor when I needed their help, and all because I always had a smile on my face. I really don't think about it much, let alone my smile, but I've gotten comments about it. I had some faculty sign my yearbook and one said that my smile will stay with her forever. The lady this morning, she said that my smile was a boost for her everyday which was something my NJROTC commander wrote as well. Dunno, I didn't t know quite how to take it being told that in person. I said thanks shyly, then just smiled averting her gaze. Ah well, it just got me thinking a little. It felt good getting told that though I'm not one to give out compliments. Just never been my thing since if I do, I tend to get all emotional haha. Though I try it here and there with strangers, and I can only hope it was a boost for them in some way. It is for me sometimes, but it doesn't stick. Well, maybe to a point it does since I've come to accept myself just the way I am.

 

Well, got to get back out on the floor. I think eventhough I don't give out compliments as much, the most I can do is love someone. That amounts to something, doesn't it?  Just thinking outloud, parts of this might not make sense to anyone but me.

Soulwax

I feel sleepy right now after not getting home until about 2:00 am after seeing Soulwax perform last night. I didn't think I'd ever dance sober at a club but I did. I was gonna leave around 12:30 since that was when their set was over, but lingered around. And before ya know it, an hour passed. It was sooo worth it, and to imagine I almost didn't go since I was feeling lazy hahaha.

 

Thanks Rob! I would not have known who they were otherwise.

 

 

Nothing in my way...

It's a title of one of Keane's song since I can't come up with one right now. It's not really an uplifting song if you see the words  but the rhythm is just amazing I can't help not to grin when I was listening to it the other day. I had to make my way to a part of DC I've never gone to before to pick up the tickets for a Keane show next month. Did I tell you I'm excited? I found out they were playing here three days after the tickets went on sale and of course, it was all sold out. I found a bunch of folks selling theirs on craigslist though some cost twice as much as it would have been otherwise. It doesn't leave me much choice and after debating over it, I'm still going *grins  Who knows when I'll get a chance to see them again....

 

I had a volunteer work to do again but that wasn't til 7 pm. I just walked around again and sat by the Dupont Circle just watching people pass by, looking at their clothes mostly. Just  getting ideas. Speaking of clothes, why do people go to the gym wearing jeans and leather shoes? That's such an odd thing to see. Ah well, I guess they still go so that counts for something. Last week was a first where I went six days straight so yay. Instead of stopping by the house to get changed, I just put my clothes in the car and go straight to the gym after leaving the train station. Saves me some time I suppose, though I usually just sit and do nothing when I have the time. My ex-military buddies laughed when I told them about 'me' time at one point. It's something I've been doing since I was younger. If I have to go somewhere, I can't just wake up, shower and leave.I usually get up an hour or two before I leave, giving me time to just sit and lay there. Conserving my energy, as I used to tell my mom.

 

The volunteering went fine. It was at the food bank once again, though it was more people than usual so the hour just flew by. We pretty much pick out what they want and bag it for them, so it kinda feels like I'm a shopper for other folks. It is good though I might take a break from doing it since it's in DC and it takes me about an hour to get home once it's done with. It starts at 7, and I get off at 3:30 so really can't go home since the traffic is insane if I do choose to drive on my way to the food bank. One of the guys I ended up talking with on the way back to the train station so that was nice. Oh before the shift started, I went to McDonald's and grabbed a Big Mac Meal though had to rush eating since I had like 10 minutes to finish up. I just overheard a woman and I can't help not to laugh when she told her friend how she stutters when she gets excited. It just put a picture in my head though some folks who might have seen me just thought Why is this kid laughing by himself? Been doing that more in the metro too but that's because of My Name Is Earl. I've downloaded the first season in my iPod and watch it on my 15-min commute. His brother's just hilarious. The things he says....  "Yeah I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, becuz we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead..."  It definitely is though at one point...

 

Going back to Monday this week, I'm not sure what happened but this "good feeling" just came over me when I was in the kitchen. I was getting pissed since my roommate didn't do his dishes again. A little after, the feeling was there and the annoyance just went away. I dunno if having gone to the gym might have done that, but I went back to my room smiling and everything. I got close to calling people to say hi but opted not to. Call and tell them I thought about them? Nah, I've cut back doing that. It works two ways but sometimes it's frustrating having to always reach out. I wonder if that's one of my role, doing that just because with no rhyme or reason. But then, it's to my benefit I suppose. I'm the one who feels good having done so.  I just got online and talked to a few folks at least, while having a beer. My friend I was texting told me I was the pissiest guy he knows. I seriously have to use the bathroom every so often when I drink, reason why I don't get drunk too easy. My system flushes it all right out.

 

Aside from that, it's been quiet but good. I spoke to the family few days ago since it was my aunt's birthday. The line was busy so I ended up calling my mom and using up all the damn phone card. Haha, it's all good though. A ten-minute call ended up being an hour long. I was just checking with her to find out a possible date for her to fly. I didn't realize she's only leaving after the one-year anniv of my cousin's death. He was her favorite and she was his. I think about him from time to time and whenever I see his pictures, I can't help not to get sad. He's only 30, but then he kinda brought it upon himself, drinking pretty much everyday. You'd think, with having his mom and dad and a brother and sister, he'd be on a straight path but that wasn't the case. He had everything growing up but things happened and he just gave up on life. He got conned about going abroad few years. I'm not sure what the gist of it was, but I don't know about having that dream, to go abroad. Dunno, maybe I'm taking being "abroad" for granted but eventhough I was mixed American, it wasn't my dream to come here. To an extent maybe, but that was only to meet my dad which as some of you are aware I didn't see 'til I was 16. But before that, I wasn't really wishing to move to the U.S. It'll be brought up sometimes by people, since they wonder why I'm not with my own kind.

 

I just wasn't much of a dreamer, I suppose which can be good and bad. Even my mom, she pretty much dreamed about coming to the U.S. all her life and now it's finally happening. From there, what happens next? It might not sound like it, but I'm glad that that's over. It took two years to get it all taken care of, and she was telling me how people were amazed that I petitioned her in such a young age. Most people wait until they're established in the US before petitioning their parents while I did it as soon as I'm able to. They were getting on my nerves about it so soon as I turned 21, filed in the paperwork. I wanted to get it over with also since ya know, it would gnaw me if I didn't. It's family.. The ones who did abroad did the same and pretty much supported me so my way of showing payback maybe? Way to show them all they did wasn't in vain. They're great, though we don't get along sometimes, well they don't at least haha, I stay out of it all. My mom told me that when things happen, the rest of the family told her not to let me know about it. I still find out though, I have my way with making my mom talk. She tells me that they're scared that I'll get mad, coz it's rare that I do. They know that if that happens, it'll be different from then on. Knowing I have this power over them, tsk tsk. Oh dear, I'm starting to sound evil. Well time to go. Until next time...

I got keaned

Yay, I got ahold of some tickets for Keane's show next month. I am soooo excited. I had to buy two tickets though since the guy won't sell me just one. So now, I gotta find someone to go somewhere only we know....

Not sure really.

I'm just on my lunch break right now and thought I'd just write a little something. It's crazy that I haven't written this long. I've had so much stuff in my mind, yet really haven't taken down my thoughts to try and sort 'em out.

 

It's been pretty good. I've just been staying home mostly on the weekends, and taking a break from going out. Just staying up late watching movies, or tinkering around in my room, and sleeping in and waking up when I wake up. Last week was just crazy at work. I mostly did Tier II stuff which is when we go on people's offices and try to fix their computer problem. I did it for the whole week, and at the beginning it was great, though midway through I let things get to me when I shouldn't have. That whole "taking nothing personally" is hard sometimes, as much as I try not to. Eventhough it's not my fault when people have computer problem, it makes it worse when they try to blame it all on me. Regardless, that's the past. It felt like some people were out to get me, and I'll admit it angered me so much that I left work one day with all these feelings inside. I just about cried when I was in the Metro, and praying for just something good at that moment to happen. I got close to calling E- and asking him if I can see him at least, thinking that doing that can me lift me up from the low I was feeling.

 

I'm a lot better now over what happened between me and him. I think it got to me without realizing it so much. The week that he 'broke it off,' I was just different my coworkers told me. I'm usually giddy at work so to not goof around, and just keeping to myself, it worried them a little. One woman commented how she hopes the Kris she knows come back to work come Monday since they kinda missed him. That kinda made me smile but of course, I had to go through what I went through. I usually shut the world out when I'm dealing with things. That's just my way I suppose. I know how talking it out helps, but I still can't get myself to do that. I'd write about it sometimes, though there are times when I don't do that either. This is pretty much all I have as far as an outlet. I don't keep diary at home, I usually read to help make me feel better. Knowing that others go through the same things I have makes me feel better about things, coz I really did think I was the only one at one point in my life.

 

Well last Monday, I did volunteer at a Food Bank. It was okay, it's like shopping for someone. It was only an hour though I wanted to write about what happened earlier. I do enjoy getting to meet people with my job since I go to their offices, and troubleshoot sometimes. Some woman I helped out months ago, I ended up stopping by her office since I was at her boss' moments ago. I was saying hi, though ended up talking with her for a good half an hour about things. About school, volunteering, and a little bit about my life and hers. We kinda got to talking about my job, and I was telling her how my heart may not really be into it. I told her that I'm considering switching to the medical field though not really sure about starting all over again. Learning from scratch, having a new beginning. She was a nurse's aide and she told me how it fulfilling it was. I told her that I wanna get more of that from what I do, and the IT field doesn't seem to be doing that for me. She said to just try it and see what I'll think of it. If not, I have IT to fall back on. Towards the end, she had me put my hands on her bible and prayed for me. It was a bit weird for a moment, but the feeling went away, and I was touched by what she did. She prayed to God to help a young man figure out what his path in his life is, and have the courage to take that step, and for God to guide in whatever it is I'll do. I got close to crying but held it back, since it might be too much for her ya know? A young man crying in her office.  I just did it silently in my heart, though of course I said it out loud when I thanked her for the prayer and the conversation.

 

One thing I like about this job. Another lady even promised me that she'll give me a picture of her grandson, and she's someone I just chit chat with briefly. I'm sure they can see the shift, when they passed me by that week, and I can't even force myself to smile, just keeping my head down instead. I have to feel what I'm feeling, and I know I should leave things behind when I go to work and vice versa, but it's not always that easy. I got on the elevator one day on my not so good day, and the woman that prayed for me was there too. I didn't even say hi to her, but the day after, I ran into her. I was better, and she commented how it looked like something was weighing me down. I just smiled at her, and that said it all.

 

That Monday was crazy. I meant to write about it that same day, but was too tired after getting home like 9 pm. I ended up talking to a homeless lady the whole time I was eating at a Thai restaurant. It was a nice day, and I was just walking around killing time until I do the volunteer thing at 7. It's close to Dupont Circle, and I had a craving for the food I usually get so I went to the restaurant. It's cheap and good, Chicken Pad Thai and I downed it down with Kirin beer. Yummy.

 

I was passing by the Thai place, debating whether to stop there or not for a meal. As I was walking by, a lady asked me if I had a change, and I just said no. After like five steps, whoever was in my brain, hey spare her a dollar. So I turned back around and handed one to her, though she saw more greens and asked if I can give another one. Oh lord, I thought to myself. But I did anyways, and that's when it dawned on me to just eat at the Thai place since I was craving for it, and you always give in to cravings, right? I ended up sitting by the window, enjoying my meal and just watching people passing by. The bag lady (I didn't get her name) sat like six feet away from me and talked to me pretty much throughout my dinner. She cracks me up. She told me about things, how the Dupont area was back in the day, she was telling me about her childhood since she was like, I wasn't born homeless you know... I just smiled mostly and only spoke when she asks me questions. I misheard her when she asked me how long I've been living the life. I said since I was a baby. You've been gay since you were a baby!!? I just laughed but I told her I kinda knew since I was younger. I said I just sorta came out after getting out of the mil and all. I ended up telling her I was born in the Philippines, and she was "Yea, you got the chinky eyes!! and just started laughing. I almost choked from laughing because of her. I eventually had to go though and told her it was nice meeting her.

 

Just wanted to remember this day.

Don't Ask Why

Came across this other great song from the Fallwerks 2006 CD sampler I got. I do tend to get too tough on myself sometimes, but it's a good reminder.

 

You was born the true pretender
Going through your life thinking you must be the only one
But I've seen so many like you
Take my word for it, they feel the same, they feel the same

[Chorus]
So take my hand and I'll lead you back on to the other side
Get yourself into a better place and lift your life
Hold your head up high and don't rely on anyone else
Make it easier on yourself and don't ask why

Well, there have been so many changes
Flowing through your life but you learn to look the other way
But I know that there's a better way
Take my word for it you'll feel the same, you'll feel the same

[Chorus]
So take my hand and I'll lead you back on to the other side
Get yourself into a better place and lift your life
Hold your head up high and don't rely on anyone else
Make it easier on yourself and don't ask why

The earth puts forth a new life again
Green grasses grow and flowers lift their heads
And over all the plain wonder speads of life (of life)

(So) hold your head up high, on the other side
(So) hold your head up high, on the other side
(So) hold your head up high, on the other side

 

Lyrics by:

Breaks Co-op