Catching up

Ok, I was midway through a post and I'm not sure what happened but it's all gone (T_T) I started it during my lunch break but now while installing a software on somebody's machine, I'll go ahead and post.

It's really been a mix these past few weeks so will just touch up on it briefly. Since the last post, I've been playing kickball on Sunday afternoon which has been really fun. It brings me back to when I was a kid and loved kickball every minute of it. Not having a care in the world even for a bit and just focus on the game. We haven't won any games yet but it's otayyy, I don't mind it really whether we win or not, coz at the end of the day, would it really matter? Maybe to some, but for me, it's all in the spirit of fun. I've met some pretty cool folks as well. Also after the games, we make our way out to a bar and go drinking. I've learned new things too, I never knew what beer pong and flip cup were, but now I do :D Been getting a bit buzzed on Sundays which isn't too bad since I really haven't been going out as much.

Mom's doing alright. She's adjusting more and more living in the US. It's been a bit hard for her since after being here for close to three months, she is yet to get a job. She's still waiting to get a SSN which should happen soon. She went to the SS office yesterday and just applied for a new one. Of course, she got found out that she applied for one back in June. She explained to the man the situation though, that she's never heard back from them and that it really shouldn't take that long to get one. After which, the man just went ahead and took her application and some documents to get her processed. She'll come back Friday and should get a number at least which she really needs to be able to do anything. I'm glad that she's finally gonna get it since she's been a bit down because of not being able to work which she wanted to do after getting here. With her not working, it also gives her too much time on her hands which kinda sucks so when idle, you tend to just think about things and brood over them. I feel bad sometimes, but ya know, I was telling her it's all part of moving to a new city or country even. It gets lonely since you're taken out of everything familiar and put into a completely different place, devoid of all things you've known and people you love. It does get better, sooner or later, you'll start to build a new life and find friends to care about. It takes a while sometimes but it happens, you just have to be patient and have faith. It was rough but it's all part of the process. Process of what, I can't tell you.

The bf has been great. He's what I was looking for in a boyfriend without realizing it. Someone sweet, smart, caring, has a good heard on his shoulders. Someone I can laugh with, goof off with, and dance around with and sing in the car with :D Time for me to go home. Rather than saving this for later, I'll go ahead and post so to be sure I can go back and finish it...

Don't forget to bring a towel!

Well, it's Friday so it's a bit quiet at least. I stumbled across the South Park Studio and made this. Wanna go get high!!?

Things That Bring Me Joy

- blast my favorite music
- wathching movie at the house with Cs
- having a home-made breakfast on Sundays
- snuggling in my blanket
- reading a good book
- drinking beer and munching on chips
- a compliment from someone
- when told I make people smile
- Cs- to go home to at the end of the day
- having my mom finally in the US
- when I don't have to think about what I'm making for dinner
- having Cs- rest his head on my arms when we're at the park
- singing along with Cs- when driving on the top of our lungs
- being comforted by silence
- talking to my family and friends on the phone
- reading up about my friends' lives
- meeting a blogger in person
- coldstone ice cream
- getting moved to tears by Rilkean Heart
- Spice Girls ( yea, yea, I admit to this)
- watching my fave shows on DVD ie. Strangers with Candy, Arrested Development, amongst others
- bloggers going to mine and actually commenting
- getting to live here in DC
- having a decent job and coworkers I love
- smiling at strangers
- when I look good hahaha!
- getting to see Keane in concert
- eating cookies and cream
- a kiss from Cs-
- Cs to hug when I feel a bit off
- being free to decide
- being loved despite of
- doing good for others and not be found out
- being alive, eventhough I get times where I'd prefer the alternative

Good grief

It's been almost two months since my mom applied for her SSN, and we haven't received it yet. We came by the office and tried showing them that they have her green card showing she's eligible to work in the US. They said they'd have to wait from the Dept of Homeland Security and all we can do is wait. It kinda sucks since she started training at Shoppers this past Tuesday but today, when she went to attend another session, she was told they'd have to put it on hold until she gets her SSN. It sucks but nothing we can really do. And to think, she's all excited about working but now, I'm trying to find things for her to do. Volunteering at the most since she can't work period.

Aside from that, everything's been good otherwise. I'm improving on the opening up aspect with my loved ones. Last night, Cs- and I were just sitting on the couch talking. Had his head on my lap and just stroking his hair, and just talking with whatever comes to mind. Things that I've done, what my motivation was behind them, amongst other things.

I actually dozed off while we were watching Family Guy, then woke back up and then minutes later, mom called. I was gonna have her spend the night at our place, but she didn't get in 'til 7 pm after spending the day with some folks she met. They went to a church out in NW DC which I've never gone to but she said it is lovely. It's a basilica of some sort. Ended up being on the phone for three hours while I did the dishes, organized the fridge, and swept and mopped around the apartment. Touched up on a lot of things, family, homosexuality, change, acceptance, topics that just randomly come up in our heads. I've opened up enough to where I explained to her how hurt I was of some of her actions, and vice versa. I told her that the month of July was just awful that I'm glad it's over. It really was that two days before my birthday, I had to go behind a scaffolding and just cry it all out for a good 10 mins. God it was awful. It wasn't really something I wasn't blogging about it either so just having to holding it all in and having nowhere to run to, it all came rushing that one morning.

Things have gotten better and who knows what tomorrow will bring really. D-man, thanks for the grain of wisdom. I sure used that during the convo, telling my mom that I'm not responsible for her happiness :) I think she got it though that it comes down to her whether she chooses to be happy or not. From what I've read, it mentioned how one should strive to be happy, because if you wake up and you're not, there's something to be done about that. I don't think we were born into this world to endure pain and suffering, I know shit happens, but it's up to us to find things that bring us joy. Easier said than done but hey, we weren't born with a handbook.

That's about it really. Thinking of joining a kickball league on the weekends, just something to do and considering I missed playing the game. Ah, the good ole days. Playing kickball wearing flip flops, and at times when you miss kickingng the ball, it'll be the flip flop flying in the air, not the ball like it oughta. Oh De, where have you gone?

Return to innocence...

It'll be a month today since my mom arrived here in DC and this pic was taken when we got to the apartment.

Last Thursday, the bf and I went over to my friend/coworker V's house. I was supposed to meet up with a friend but I ended up cancelling and just chose to go to V's. They live about 20 minutes away so it wasn't too bad of a drive. I got to meet her family, mom, dad?, brother and her son that just came back from Georgia I believe. It was nice just spending time with them, laughing, chatting, and eating, things I normally do with my family. V's son is adorable, I can see why she missed him so much. It's cute how when we just got there, he just looked at us and really didn't talk to us until after V- introduced us to him.

She told us that he doesn't talk to strangers but since she introduced us, it's all good now. It's funny how he grabbed mine and Cs- hands and took us around the house to show us around like he has known us for a long time. I went to a kid mode and played with him for a bit, running around the house playing a zombie, a power ranger even. Later on, we just had dinner and they made banana pudding for dessert and man, it was goood. Last time I had some was back in 2003 so it sure was a treat. I really enjoyed their company and I was goofy enough that while putting some in my plate, V asked me if I liked it. I said that No, I don't really like it much while grabbing the big spoon and putting even more servings on my plate. Hey, it was good and I can't help it. It really was nice, though during the time there, a bit of sadness came over me. Sitting there, it made me miss my family since that's how we are when we get together. It's been a little bit over a year since I last saw them, and as to when the next time will be, I do not know.

I didn't get to see my mom this weekend since I got lazy and when I called her, she didn't pick up which means she's out and about. I'll go see her today after getting off though so looking forward to that. It hasn't changed much, when we talk on the phone we'd fight one minute, cry the next then laugh before you know it. Last night, she called around 11 and I ended up talking to her for an hour and a half, and to think she's only 20 minutes away! We just touch on the same things, family, loneliness, new beginnings. She's making strides though, barely a month here and she's made friends already while I on the other hand, took months.

Sometimes she'd say while crying that she wants the old Kris back, and I ask her which Kris exactly was that!?
She says I've changed so much which I agree but I tell her that after having lived by myself since I was 18, I had a lot of time to think over things. I'm working on making peace with everything that has happened, though the times when it all comes rushing back, I tend to lash out on people that I love. I guess with family ya know or wish in your heart, that they wouldn't stop loving you regardless. She feels that I don't love her any longer so instead of not telling her about this old dedication, I went ahead and e-mailed her the link. I don't think she'll know where to go after reading that post so don't think she'll actually read my blog. Or am I just misunderestimating her?

Anyway, heading home soon and will spend some time with mom and the bf. I know it doesn't sound like I am but am happy today. Who knows what tomorrow will be like but at this moment, I'm smiling and thankful for everything that's happened.

Been listening to this song a lot lately and makes me cry a bit Don't be afraid to be weak Don't be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence

The past few weeks

Ok, I really haven't updated since last month. I've posted but it really didn't tell much since I've posted mostly songs or clips. As I've mentioned in an entry in July, my mom moved here to the DC area. I think I jinxed it when I said life was falling right into place, since it sorta turned into shit days after and it's just getting back to normal.

I really won't touch up on it since sometimes I wonder how it just went downhill days after I wrote that last post. It's been crazy but whether I see it as good or bad wouldn't matter since things happen.

It has been a mix really. I've been happy, sad, angry, confused and felt lost but I'm managing okay now. Things just got the best of me. Having to balance with my mom being here, and with the bf, it just felt like I had nowhere to go.

Mom's adjusting more now though and I think she's starting to accept that things won't be like they used to be. She came here thinking it'll just be like in Japan where we lived together and all. It's mostly fear though. When we talked about it one time, she was just saying that what she has feared the most is happening. That I'm gonna have someone else and not love her but I told her that it wasn't the case.
Even the family had a talk to her though how before, she was in the Philippines, she wanted to come to the US. Then she got to Florida, she wanted to be in VA closer to me. And now that she's here, she's not happy since we're not living together.

I'd have to say she's making strides though. She's been meeting people from groceries, stores and such. She'd spot a Filipino and end up chatting with them, and all. One time I talked to her, she made a snide comment how the couple she knew and her are in the same boat, abandoned by their child. I just had to bite my tongue and not say anything since I try to do good by her and she would say such things. I know she felt abandoned by the way things were when she came but I told her from the git go that it's different now.

Ok, Cs- and her have gotten along okay, and on my birthday I saw that my mom made effort to be cheery throughout. She's a fun woman to be around with, but when she whines I tend to forget the things I love about her and just makes me want to get away from her.

The bf and I have had rough spots as well. It felt like we've lived a lifetime already. I still have things I'm dealing with internally but I'm trying my best to be a good bf. Now though that love is standing in front of me, all these doubts and insecurities I have about myself creeps in sometimes. What is there to love about me? Why would someone want to be with me? Those kind of questions.

The weekend was good. Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from a friend, Deb inviting me to her birthday. I've only hang out with her once so we really don't know too much about each other. It was great though, we went to Cap City Brewing Co and had a bite to eat and some drinks. I ended up giving her The Reader. I thought it was a really good book, and in an e-mail once she mentioned that we have the same taste with movies and books so kinda took a chance on this one but am glad she's loved it, per her e-mail. I met a few of her friends as well, her bf and even her brother. I spoke with her bro for a bit and we touched on music, school, amongst other things. The talk with him made me reconsider my options once again.

Before meeting up with Deb, the bf and I actually saw The Ten. It only came out in selected theaters and that movie is a riot! They made short stories for each of the Ten Commandments, and it was hysterical. It involved naked men, puppets, the lying rhino and even Jesus, or should I say Hesus. After the dinner and drinking with Deb, I met up with the bf and our friend and just went dancing for a bit at this club called Aqua. It was fun, I had a few drinks and just danced to a few songs. The drinks didn't get me drunk much, bummer hahaha !

Gotta do work but will come back for more later. Wow, it felt good to write again!

Oh really.....

Your past life diagnosis:
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I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern South India around the year 1075. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.
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Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.
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The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You are bound to learn to understand other people and to meet all difficulties of life with a joyful heart. You should help others by bringing them a spirit of joy.
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Do you remember now?

You Hoboken

How can I have missed this on TV...

It's De talking

Sooner or later, I have a feeling I will be found out by family and friends. I've been debating whether to change how I go about going things as far as what I write about, but decided I'll stick to what prompted me to write this blog.


I know it might come off odd since I'm a quiet guy in person and doesn't like talking about my feelings, yet turn right around and pour it all out in my posts. It's one of those things that I know that may not make sense, and yet I won't be able to explain either if you ask me in real life. Because we have face-to-face contact, some of the things I write in here may be surprising but I hope you won't get slighted in any way. Please realize that I'm not going to tell you every little thing running through my head and be understanding about it. It's not because I don't trust you or don't want to open up to you, but there's just some things I'd rather write about to get them off of my chest. I'm just not really used to talking about it things, and blogging is my way of letting things go, so to speak. I know it seems that I carry all this pain but I think it's quite the contrary if you know me in person. I try my best to bring a little sunshine to other people's lives, whether it be a smile or a simple act of kindness. It keeps me in check, and it's my way of paying back all the strangers that has helped me along this thing called life.

I get depressed sometimes... I feel sad, lonely and hurt like everybody does. Just because I write these feelings down doesn't mean I carry them with me all day and let it eat me up (which kinda happened these past few weeks). Writing about things has helped me cope, I realized after starting this two years ago. And seeing feedback from others who have gone through some things I'm going through makes me feel better. All I ask if that you respect what I've written here as my way of venting and not use it against me by throwring it in my face or belittle my feelings.

I'll always be a work in progress, and this is a way for me to keep myself in check and to learn from things even. It helps me to remember where I've been and what I've gone through.

I feel like shit and trying not to dwell on it

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself, even if you don't feel like it - Lauraine Snelling

And through the tears, we'll smile when we recall, we had it all for just a moment. - St. Elmo's Fire

No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. - Sarah Ackerman

A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.

Smile, it's the second best thing one can do with one's lips.

Brighten the world with your smile.

A smile costs nothing, but gives much.

A smile is a little curve that sets a lot of things straight.

Smiles are free: don't save them.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to.

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity - Joseph Addison

A smile can open a heart faster than a key can open a door.

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

A smile confuses an approaching frown.~Author Unknown

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.~Lee Mildon

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.~Phyllis Diller

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.~Author Unknown

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.~W.C. Fields

Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.~Jim Beggs

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.~Charles Gordy

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.~Andy Rooney

If you smile at someone, they might smile back.~Author Unknown

Everyone smiles in the same language.~Author Unknown

If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine.~Author Unknown

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.~Author Unknown

A laugh is a smile that bursts.~Mary H. Waldrip

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.~Mother Teresa
A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile. ~Author Unknown

A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.~Washington Irving

A smile is the universal welcome.~Max Eastman

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to.~Author Unknown

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. ~Janet Lane

All the statistics in the world can't measure the warmth of a smile. ~Chris Hart

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile. ~Author Unknown

A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.~Author Unknown

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." - St. Jerome

I hope I won't have to hung my head

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You are my Sunshine
Sung by Norman Blake
Right-click and "save as"

I have yet to completely watch the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou? yet has the soundtrack for it. I think most people know the chorus at least, even I, but I never realized it was a sad song until hearing the full version. When I learn to play the guitar, this will be one I'd wannabe able to play.

Life....

(Started this yesterday afternoon) I asked the boss if I could leave early yesterday since the Comcast tech was coming by the apartment. They called me around 1:30, letting me know they'll be arriving within the next hour. It's almost 4 now and I have yet to hear back from them. It's been weeks since I've written, and I actually missed just being able to sit down and write. Things have been good for the most part so that might play a role too as to why I haven't been writing much. That, and I really haven't been alone lately, spending most of my time with Cs. It's been great with him, we just spend most of the time together. Watching DVD's, dinner, just laying in bed and talking. Some of you guys who I've chatted with know more than what I'm writing and maybe I'll keep just mum about it. Let's just say, I'm so much in a better place than I was before having met him :) I catch myself smiling even when I'm having a rough day at work knowing that Cs- is there for me. Such a really sweet guy that some of the things he says just makes me cry. I'm still working on trying to be more vocal about my feelings, but I told him that I hope he can still sense what I feel for him even if I don't say it outloud. He does, and this man (or am I still a boy?) is smiling because the boy I <3 makes him happy. I wish I would have written more on a day to day account but that might be a little too much.

Even my mom knows about Cs- as well. She in turn told my other aunt, and my aunt told my other aunt, and now the whole mom's side of the family knows about him already. Tita Akang, the aunt in Denmark, even spoke to him on the phone and welcomed him to the family. Cs said he was really touched hearing that. I was a bit surprised my aunt said that, but I'm glad they're welcoming Cs- with open arms. After the convo, Cs- jokingly said we're in this for the long run. That was this past Sunday when I called my aunt when we were going to Ikea in College Park. During the ride, I was on the phone most of the time with my tita. She was just going on about how happy she was I'm with someone, etc. I think even my Grandma knows, and to think it hasn't even been a month since I met Cs. During our conversation, my granda got brought up which as some of you knows passed away last summer. The relationship was just meh, we really weren't close to each other.

My tita said that our house help Aileen actually mentioned about the relationship. She told my aunt that before my grandpa's condition got worse, he was talking about a grandson he was really proud of. He told Aileen that it didn't matter to him to him that I was gay, he could care less about that. He said that he was really proud of me but didn't show it since he was worried that my other cousins would get jealous. And there I was, believing that my grandpa didn't care much. Just hearing her tell me this made me cry which is kinda odd. Normally, when my family says that they're proud of me, I sit there thinking "and what good does that do me?" It's not that I go around doing things trying to make them proud, I just do what I do.

I got to thinking about things yesterday, and how I felt unloved by my grandpa. But then, when I thought about how he took us in after my dad left. He provided food on the table, roof over our head and even spending money. Eventhough I've never really sat down with him, learning about things he went through, or hearing about his life, or some wisdom he can impart but then I didn't do that with the family, not even with my mom, I don't think. I mostly learned just by observing and keeping notes in my head on how to be and not to be. My grandpa never uttered the words I love you, but I guess the things he did was his way of saying that. We get so busy trying to illicit those three words sometimes that we miss out on the love that's already there. He used to drink a lot and get really verbally abusive, and sometimes even physically, well mostly my mom. Maybe seeing my mom's situation pained him, her being an unwed mother with a foreign child. I really can't say why. But when my dad finally got my citizenship all set up, and I could move to the US, my granddad was really happy. He even told me a little prayer to say on my very first flight to the states. Maybe he just wanted a better future for me, and he felt I can only accomplish that back in my homeland. It's funny when I think about it, how eventhough I'm mixed, they felt the US is where I really belonged, guess it has to do with my looks. Regardless, I'm just realizing that I did love my grandpa. It doesn't mean I accepted or condoned his mistreatment, or that I excused his faults and frailties. But loving is seeing them, accepting them, and loving them despite the things you might not like about them. I have faults of my own, so I'm glad people love me despite of it.

Aside from that, my mom will be flying in to DC this Saturday. I wouldn't say for good coz it might be for her, but not for me haha. I won't elaborate as to the reasons but things aren't really working out for her in Florida. It's annoying a little when she keeps saying how she should be with me, and not living with my aunt and uncle. I'd say Ummm, Noooo, get over with. But yet, she'll still be coming. It'll be better since she'll be able to get around even without a car. And I guess, now I won't have to worry about food since she can just cook for me and Cs-. I was joking with Cs- and asking him if he's sure he's in for the drama that is family, but he said he is, so this fella's for keeps. He offered to help get my mom situated, going with her to try to find her a job amongst other things. She's just gonna be staying at the old apartment I was staying. I've told one of the roommates and she's okay with it, though I have yet to talk to the other one. I'll have my mom stay at Virginia while I stay in DC so that should be enough of a buffer. I'll get to eat home-cooked meals again, yum yum. I'm just in denial that it'll be fine when she gets here. We'll get to take pictures, check out the sites in DC. Then later on once she gets situated, the rest of the fam from Norway and Denmark would all visit. How awesome is that! Cs- and I might even go to Denmark next year, crazy but my tita has my uncle looking up ticket prices next year for me and Cs-. I'm just amazed how everything fell right into place since I met him.

That's just about all that's going on. Gotta head out on the floor....

OMG!

The Spice Girls are doing a world tour!

It seems to me I'm having such a good time

Mom's finally here y'all. There was a bit of a confusion with her arrival date since with the itinerary she sent us, it actually had Philippines times instead of the US'. Here we were expecting her not 'til Sunday and she landed in Pensacola Saturday morning. I was on the phone with my aunt and uncle Saturday morning trying to figure out my mom's arrival, and have had to call the airlines to check what flight my mom was on. The woman I talked to actually gave me all the info I wanted, though when my uncle did the same, whoever he spoke to said they're not allowed to give out that information. I just found it funny that somehow when I want something, I usually get it but when the others do, whether it be a coworker or a family member, they get told that's it's not possible due to one reason or another.

I got to speak to her briefly on Saturday and she pretty much just told me she was starving since she hasn't eaten since the landed in LA. I called her last night and she sure had stories already. Ok, the airport in the Philippines wasn't big enough to require a train to get from one terminal to another. That wasn't the case at Dallas though. And my mom told me how she was trying to get through the doors when the train isn't ther yet. And she was just standing there, wondering why she can't open them. I just thought that was really funny.

Weekend was good. Friday night, I was just gonna stay home and take it slow, do laundry and chill. Cs- called though and was inviting me to a little get together at his friends', Ju- and Vi-'s house. They were the ones we had dinner with Thursday. They were just doing some grilling and Cs- asked if I'd want to join them. I was debating at first since I already had the laundry started. Ended up stopping it halfway and putting them in the dryer later that evening when I got back. It was nice, just hanging out with them and talking about stuff. I also got to meet La-, another friend of theirs. It was fun, Dreamgirls was playing in the background and we touched up on different things, psychology, sexuality, etc etc. They told me about an interesting documentary about these Vietnamese siblings that were adopted by an Black family (interesting for me at least) but can't remember the name of it. Texted La- to see if he can tell me what it was. Well, he just did and it actually isn't a documentary (T_T) It's a movie named Catfish in Black Bean Sauce.

We got to talking about my job too and they asked me if I'd considered doing it on the side. I told them that I haven't and they said I ought to so will maybe get some cards printed out. They'll be my first customers, though instead of paying me, they will cook up a meal for me or something. I liked them and am glad they liked me as well. Cs- told me last night that it's unusual for his friends to just invite a guy he's dating over for dinner, and he said that La- texted him after that evening and said I'm for keeps. Ok, I hope I don't sound too pompous but there was a whole convo that brought this up. I might touch up on it on another post.

That's it for now really. It's awesome how this past week has been great. My mom's finally here in the US and I'm seeing somebody. Well actually we're not even dating anymore, we're boyfriends now, a week after we first met. It'll take a little getting used to considering I'm almost 24 and Cs- is my first. Well, gotta go out on the floor to do work like I should be doing. I'm having a case of a mooondays..

Have a good Monday :)

Birds suddenly appeared

Ok, I'm still on lunch so figured I'd post a bit. The callers were starting to get to me and I was getting really annoyed so just stepped out of the office and went across the street for lunch. It was nice out today, the sun is shining and the wind just felt right.

I just sat on the thing that borders the plants (I can't think of the English word for it sorry!) and had my lunch which was tasty chicken and white rice. After a while, there was maybe one or two birds that landed close to where I was sitting, and that's when the idea came to give them some of my meal. I tore bits and pieces of the chicken, but after a while realized it would be easier for them to eat the rice instead. I took a spoonful and kinda just spread them out on the ground and before ya know it, maybe 15 birds gathered and had a go at it. Ok, I'll admit that just watching the birds got me all teary eyed. I just thought about how animals seems to be at peace with existence. That's what I thought anyways. Ya know, as long as they have a food to eat and a nest or a home to go to, it's enough. They're not too worried about what their purpose is in this planet and seems to be content in just being.

It just made me think of The Carpenter's song, that's all. Why do birds suddenly appear? Well today, it served as a reminder to just drop my grievances and aspire to stay happy. I know, I know it's a love song and all but the first line felt like it applied today to how things are.

I haven't updated since Monday but everything's been good otherwise. I've briefly written about Cs- and we've pretty much seen each other just about everyday since we met this weekend. He moved to a new apartment so I've been over at his old place helping him pack. During those times, we'd just sit down and just talk about random things. I'll admit I'm a bit freaked out with the things he says since it felt like he went inside my brain, and gathered my thoughts, wishes and aspirations and said it out loud. We make each other laugh, him laughing at my dorkiness. Gah, I guess I am a dork if few people have called me that. I just feel really at ease with Cs- and it's a great feeling. The one day we didn't see each other we spoke for a good hour and later ended up talking on messenger.

That's a first I've gone on a "date" almost daily. I really try not to call it that, I just think Yay, I'll get to see him today. It's great just getting to spend time with him. Last night, we went out to Old Town to have dinner with his two friends. I didn't realize we were going right after the move so I left my wallet, my keys and my cellphone behind. After a while, I kinda forgot about it. It was nice, just sitting with them and talking. Even grabbed some home-made ice cream at a store after the meal. I guess store-made ice cream will be more fitting.

Well, just a little update. My mom's on the plane as I write, getting here to LA this evening. From there, fly to Dallas before landing in Pensacola. I got to talk to her last night (noon in the Philippines) as they were getting ready. I jokingly said how I could imagine her at the airport bawling her eyes out. She laughed and told me to shut up but she knows it's true. I'm much of a crier as she is and before, when a family member would leave, all the family would tag along to see them leave. My mom would start crying and before you know it, so does the 10 or 15 others, me included. She told me how she's not wearing make up since she didn't wanna look like a clown.

Ya know, it's been a good week overall really and I'm closing with a smile. Have a good weekend, whoever you are and keep on smiling.

Told myself I wouldn't go

My mom's flight is pretty much finalized. I've sent her what she needed for the plane ticket the past week but didn't get to talk her ever since so figured I'd call at least. I was planning to just call maybe for about 5 minutes but of course, that didn't happen. I ended up speaking with her for a good hour until the phone card ran out.

She's excited about her move though at the same time, there's loneliness that's starting to creep in. I think knowing you're going to leave everything familiar behind, and moving to a foreign land where the only one you'd know nearby will be your sister. Having lived in the Philippines for pretty much her whole life, 48 years and counting, it'll be a complete shock but like I've been telling her, this is her choice and there will be no turning back this time around unlike what she did in Japan.

We just touched on random things, about how my grandma was a bit sad with my mom leaving. I guess I could say that my mom has been a glue to the family. With my grandma going back in forth to Norway, my mom wass the one who's had to take care of my grandpa when he was living. If they want something ask Ana to get it. If they need something, have Ana do it. Ok, I'll admit sometimes that I thought it was stupid for her doing everything for the family. And when I say that thought outloud, sometimes she'd agree but she'll always say, it's family De. She tells me that it's pretty much her way of showing gratitude to them for everything they did for us, but I ask isn't there a time when it has to stop. I guess it doesn't. Either that, or she just loves the family enough to do what she can. We kinda got to talking about me as well. I told her that it's not really her fault that I'm gay. I don't think you can pinpoint this or that which made me the way I am, but it's just the way I am.

I was laughing since she was joking around how I'm still a virgin. Sometimes I'd randomnly blurt it out when I'm talking to her, and she'll say "Oh yeah? Where? In your ears!?" I was teary one minute, and laughing the next. She'll be flying in this upcoming Sunday but I won't get to be there with school and everything. She was hoping I could be in Florida and I'll just say, gosh I just saw you a year ago but at the same time, thinking it would have been good to be there. The phone call cheered up my day.

This weekend I told myself I wouldn't go to DC for a change since I've pretty much been going the past a month and a half now. I was tired after getting home from work, having slept only 3 hours the previous night. I went to Old Town with someone and walked around, then caught Knocked Up for the second time around. I didn't even get to eat anything for dinner, unless Ben and Jerry's ice cream counts. I got to try Chocolate Therapy and it is just so good, guess the name is fitting.

I pretty much slept Friday night away passing out in my bed around 6. Getting woken up around 9 by a phone call, then falling right back to sleep afterwards. Waking up at 1, eating dinner, trying to watch a movie but not finishing it and going right back to sleep. This weekend was all about being lazy or so I thought.

Got up Saturday and went running since I haven't been going to to the gym the past few weeks. I tried calling the family but none of them was answering their phones (T_T) Tidied up my room, and eventually just stepped out to get some groceries. On the way home, I stopped by a nursery to try to get a plant but ended up with a cactus for now. I was considering getting orchids but the person who can tell me how to take care of it was gone for the day. I told myself I'll just come back. I eventually got in when one of the roommates texted and said he was home.

Grabbed all my groceries and when I tried to go back in to the apartment, that's when I realized I forgot my house key. I usually tie it in my shoelace when I go running but this morning, forgot to put it back on the keychain after getting back in. Texted my roommates but they were all out. I ended up being locked out for a good three hours during which I went to the mall, and was trying some clothes since cuzz suggested I might as well go out instead of just doing nothing. I texted and called a few people to see if I can kill time at their place but alas, nobody answered. That sucked. I really need to make more friends.

I got in, and grabbed some lager beer to kinda shake the weird feeling off. I know, I know not the healthiest route to go. I ended up getting on one of the sites and eventually chatted with Cs- that lived over in DC. The idea of meeting came up about and I said sure, though we agreed to go to a neutral place somewhere in the Dupont area. I picked him up and made our way out to Annie's. We parked a few blocks away so walked instead to get there. The weather was just right, and it felt nice to just be out and about under the moon.

We didn't get to talk too much at the steak house since we get planked by two guys on both sides that we end up chatting with. One was really drunk it was just kinda funny when he asked for a kiss from both of us. And the other, who was telling us how his trip was earlier that day at a stadium that was being built. I was blushing a bit since the drunk guy kept making remarks about how he likes his meat and stuff. It was an interesting evening. I even got involved in a chase since the drunk guy left without paying for his meal, and I think it came up to about $30. Poor waiter.

We just walked around some more and eventually made our way down to the Dupont Circle and sat around for a while. Just talking about stuff, getting to know each other. Looking up at the sky trying to find the constellations. It was a really nice and something I would not have expected since I wasn't supposed to go to DC. We were out 'til about 3 and made my way home after dropping him off at his apartment. I had signed up for some volunteer thing Sunday so told him that I'm gonna be in the area again come afternoon.

Well, got up and was greeted by a text from Cs-. He's picked up some Tagalog so he was texting in mixed English and Tagalog which was cute. He's Puerto Rican, not that it matters but I guess speaking Spanish helped. He's funny, he's got jokes and he's a nice guy from what i can assess through our conversation. I didn't have to be in DC 'til around 3 so figured I'll just iron my clothes until then. Cs- was gonna go down by the circle again and just read. After I started ironing, I got to thinking how why would I rather be ironing when I can just leave by then and see him. So I texted and asked if I can join him. During which, I went ahead and took a shower and got ready. Can you imagine if he would said no!? I would have felt like an atheist that just died, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Hey you

I just thought about you guys and girls, and umm... knowing you brings a smile on my face. Thanks for that. Have a good day! Me sincerely

Pride weekend

I went to the parade by myself since most guys I sorta knew in the area, they didn't want to go since they've seen it before or they didn't care for it. I actually got to Dupont ten minutes after the parade started, I hope I didn't miss much.

I had a good time overall. I stood next to a bunch of German girls right across from Books a million. There was an older guy right in front of me, and one of the girls standing next to him. A little bit after being there, the guy eventually turned to his right and asked the girl if she knew how to speak English. She said, yes and the guy asked her if she can quit moving around since her bag is bumping into him because "It is SOOOooo annoying!"I felt bad for the girls, that I looked at them and made the crazy sign telling them not to pay attention to the guy. We pretty much were laughing throughout when we'd turn and look each other, and say "It is sooo annoying." I had nothing to say since I didn't speak German but it got the point across.

I really enjoyed the parade but really won't talk about it since it's probably the same everywhere else. You have the jocks, twinks, bears, leather daddies, etc etc. The parade lasted a little over an hour and once that's done with, I made my way to Cobalt, well maybe 20 minutes or so AFTER the parade. I seriously got lost in that little area and can't remember for the life of me how to get there from the Dupont Circle. S- was there so it was nice hanging out with him again. I met two of his friends but of course, I forgot their name. It was good catching up, though eventually we had a bit of a discussion. Well more of him telling me why he hasn't been in touch with me. I'm still confused over the talk so really won't get into it, but there's been words going around that involves me and him.

Most people who have seen us assumed that we're together for some reason. When either me or him would go to this one bar, people would ask where the other one was. The way that I answered might have been taken in the wrong context. I'm kinda lost really. I told S- to give me names of who's been saying things if he wants to clarify what's been going on since its not my habit to talk about him when he's not around. I'm just not gonna bring his name up during a convo. He kept threatening to just leave but I grabbed him and said that no one's leaving until this is settled. Things were eventually straightened out and that made me glad. I know I've only known S- for a few weeks but it'll feel weird not to be friends with him any longer. He was saying something about dropping me but I hope he wouldn't do that. Ok, I'm kinda in awe seeing myself mirrored in him. Some of the things I deal with internally, I see reflected in him and I think it'll be a good learning experience sorta seeing myself from the outside, if that makes sense.

I crashed at his place and got up really early to make my way home since I volunteered to help out at the Pride Festival. I fell asleep on the train though, and was on a completely different line. I catch the Blue line home to Van Dorn St but woke up at Huntington which is the last stop for the Yellow line. I make the transfer at King St but from just waking up, and looking at a station I've never been too, I thought Where the hell am I? But then all you really could do is chuckle at how funny it was.

I signed up to do the Bracelet Brigade for the first few hours of the festival. I was given 50 bracelets and would try to get people to donate $5 in exchange for it. This entailed having to come up to people asking them if they'd want a bracelet. I didn't know how to paraphrase though instead of saying "Would you...?" which of course, they can simply say no to. I got all 50 "sold" so really happy about that. I was kinda cursing myself for getting myself into thsi but at the same time, was actually enjoying the experience. It's great getting to see people from all walks of life, all these diversity coming together. Granted some makes you want to slap them but it was good three hours over all. Some I chatted with, telling me where they're from, etc and one guy telling me jokes. "How do you know a potato's a prostitute?" "When it comes from Idaho." I'll admit he had me laughing at that one. With what I was doing, I guess I did have to stay positive since for every person that says no, somebody would have to say yes. Some folks didn't even take a bracelet. They just donated their cash saying it's for a good cause. How can one not perk up hearing folks say that.

After getting all 50 bracelets off of my hand, I really didn't feel like hanging around to check out the festival. I think having to talk to all these people kinda tired me out, but then, having slept seven hours the past two days might be the culprit. Drove back home, lay down and passed out. Waking up for a little bit, then falling right back to sleep. I was planning to study for an exam at least after getting home but that didn't come to fruition. But 'ey, I don't think I would have wanted my weekend any other way.

Eve of Pride

Well going back to Thursday, I didn't do any homework like I intended to do. Instead there I was on the computer, chatting the evening away. I spoke to this one guy I chatted with months ago but sorta died away. Gave me his number and all, but never got back with me. I thought it was just neat he lived like a mile away and it would be good to make friends closer at least.
Anyway, I messaged him and we kinda got to talking again. I was trying to meet him right then and there since there was a Starbucks nearby and I was getting bored sitting at home. His ass fell asleep on me!! He was saying he was tired, and I told him to go shower to get refreshed and when he said he was gonna stretch some, that's when he passed out. I was feeling antsy so I ended up walking for a little bit.

The breeze felt really good, and there's still a bit of daylight as I walked. I felt dejected a little I'll admit after the whole convo with -CS. I'm like Wow, do I suck that much no one would want to hang out with me? I was kinda laughing thinking those thoughts. My gut said naw, you can't be that bad but then, my gut's hungry so I went to Mickey D's and sat down at it. I'm sitting there thinking that dumb ass could have been here eating with me (dumb ass in a good way *grins) Anyway, the feeling passed so I was okay that evening.

I was chatting with -CS through most of Friday and he was apologizing for falling asleep on me. He made it up though by sending me some pics, all G-rated and he sent me my favorite one of his. It's pretty much just his portrait and he had his eyes closed in it. The lighting's just really nice and when I look at it, it just makes me want to kiss him. He looks serene. I did get to meet him though. He was gonna go to Target so I went and tagged along. He's a cool guy, he's funny and furry. It was fun just walking around the store with him. Me like the feeling. We went back to his place and he pretty much was working on the kitchen. He bought some silverwares and I guess he didn't realize I took out the price tags coz he was a bit surprised when he was washing them and didn't have to take them out anymore. We were just talking while he was doing dishes, I was standing right next to him, facing the opposite way and just had my hands over his shoulders. I didn't want to leave but I had made plans that evening to grab a bite with Dk- the one I met at the volunteer gig the previous week.

I was late! I was supposed to be in DC around 7, and I didn't get there 'til about 7:50 yikes. It was nice, he ended up taking me to some Italian restaurant down in New York Ave since I thought about just going to Ruby Tuesday. It was a nice restaurant, he told me how it's been around for 60 yrs now, and you can tell by how it looked on the inside. It just gives off this somber vibe, really dark wooden walls, chandeliers, mantles. I think we were there for an hour or so. After that, stepped out the perfect time since the rain just stopped. We just walked around the Mall, and the Capitol area talking some more. He's volunteering Saturday morning so we went our separate ways around 11 that evening.

I didn't wanna go home yet so ended up going to JR's. I was gonna meet up with Ch- (one I sorta dated back in Feb) but that didn't happen. He's the one who asked me to hang out then he went MIA on me. After waiting around for maybe 30 minutes, I decided to call it a night and walked back to the train station. I was maybe a block away and when I looked up, there was St- (S' friend I met few weeks ago). We chatted for a bit and we eventually decided to check Apex out since I've never been there. It reminded me of Roxy's (I was gonna say with Fashmag, but remembered he didn't ACTUALLY go with us haha). I liked the video bar, though I later made my way to the dance floor and grooved my thang. Some kid grabbed me and made out with me, ugh. I think he was on something coz he was doing the same to every guy within reach. We stayed there 'til about 3 am, and made our way home. Well, home as in St-'s since I live wayy out further than where he lives.

St-'s roommate was really nice. St' woke him up and introduced us to each other. St- was showing me some pictures and I was so sleepy I told him to just show it to me the next day. I was up by 8 am and just hang around their place for a little bit. St-' made some omelet, and we just talked on the table. It was fun just talking to both of them, just shooting the breeze. I told 'em I'll do the dishes but the roommate (ugh, I forgot his name) opposed to it, that a house guest shouldn't do 'em (I did it anyways). They're both musicians and they actually played two songs, one playing the harp and the other, flute. They played it in a close proximity that I was moved to tears. Getting to hear live music that close was quite something. We later hang out by the pool eventhough I can't swim for jack. I really need to learn how to. I had a good time, I found out St- even reads Osho, and he writes poems, and such. I showed him one of my favorite blogs and had him listen to the "radio station." He liked the postings so he bookmarked your site Robert!!

I even showed him my gurl's Alexys Tylor's videos but instead of him laughing, it hit real close to home and I sat there thinking Ah, shit. What she's saying makes sense and has wisdom in it but the way she says it just gets me, all that passion about the penus and the power of the V. It's all good, since he felt okay eventually though I guess it kinda got him thinking about stuff. Coz really, a dick will make you slap somebody!

I really had a good time. I'm hoping I get to hang out with him again since he lives like 15 mins away from me. What a great way to get my Pride started.

Saluting the V

I've been watching her videos everyday when I'm riding the metro and as much as I try to hold my laughter in, I can only do it so much listening to all the gems. People must have thought I was crazy but oh well, it's not like they'll see me again.

Around 04:40 is what gets me. You'd hear the sound but..... (just watch it) That and 04:13 - never fails to crack me up

It's Thursday

Wow, sure glad the week's almost over. I'll finally get a day today to just do nothing. Since the week started, I've had some commitments so really looking forward to not do anything, sort of. Well, I can do homework tonight but will see how that goes, knowing my track record.

I still need to write about getting to see Keane in concert the day after Memorial Day. Their show lasted 90 min and it was worth it, even after having to pay pretty much for the concert ticket. That I can write a review about since I know each and every song they played. It was great! You can just feel the good vibe, people singing along to the chorus, even to the slow songs that I thought would be better if no one sang along, completely changed my mind. I think I might have gotten teary-eyed even but it was of bliss, no kidding. All my worries just washed off, just being there in the moment. I oughta try that more often.

I started this post this morning but it got so busy at work. It really gets stressful sometimes but at the same time, it's a type of job where once my shift's over, that is it. No chances of having to stay behind after hours trying to get something finished. It was just a weird day, feeling pissed, then happy, tired, happy, lonely, and now, back to flat at least. This will probably be a mix of sorts that might not make sense to anyone but me.

My mom finally got a date to fly out to the States though of course, instead of making a reservation months ago, she's doing it 2-3 weeks before the actual date. We told her to try to get one on a weekday since it's cheaper but of course, she got one on a weekend. I guess it's kinda good that I didn't make the call after I got her e-mail since it would not have been too pretty. I really don't get angry easy but times when I actually do, I can say some awful things that would sting the other person involved. I asked her to try to get her ticket early since it'll be cheaper. My aunts said they would help out so I dunno, maybe I can ask them to chip in, maybe not. My mom was being apologetic saying how she'll work really hard when she gets to the US, but of course, a part of me is thinking why wait all this time now that you're almost 50. When I speak with her, she kept saying how I won't have anything to worry about when she gets here. I guess at the same time, it is true that I worry but with me petitioning her, it's not even about being closer to her anymore. It's more of getting the family off my back asking when I'm gonna get my mom. They probably didn't mean anything by it, but being asked that when you're 18, 19 it's like leave me alone people, I just want to be young and not have to have responsibilities. That's why I'm jealous sometimes of kids whose main concern are what movies to see, which parties to go to. That's probably why I'm pissed with them, mainly because I wanted to have their life, a much simpler one where things weren't rattled.

There were too many calls coming in so instead of eating at my desk and hearing the damn phones ring, I stepped out for a bit to walk around. I needed to go to the bank which is a few blocks away so did that. It was nice the sun just shining, the weather just perfect to do some walking. On the way back, I stopped by the shoe place to ask how much it'll cost to get my soles replaced. Being flat-footed, only one side of my shoes gets worn down, and with my black ones it's pretty much gone that I'm starting to wear out the wooden part of it. I asked the asian man how much it would cost, taking my shoes off and showing him how bad it was. He said it'll be $10 for each shoe, and I just said ok. When I was putting my shoe back on, he said how he'll only charge me $18. I guess I had a look on my face since he felt the need to tell me why. I didn't ask, but he said You know why I give you discount?, and I just shook my head since I really had no idea. "Because you're a nice person" and he just smiled at me. I smiled back but thinking What the hell was that? since I'm not sure where that came from. I've only dealt with him twice, first was when I came by asking how much it'll cost to put the horse-shoe looking thing on my shoes but got shooed away since he was eating. And the second time was when I came by trying to get heel thingy put on my shoes. This was a week apart and that time I came back , he apologized for telling me to come back that first time.

Just hearing him say that I was a nice person kinda shifted my mood. Seriously when I get stressed with callers and get angry, it lingers for a while and I wonder just where all these anger coming from? Maybe I still have internalized over things though that's always a work in progress. I digress. I guess at the core, people start out a good person but with all the things that happen, it kinda gets pushed in the backburner. They feel the need to be defensive, lashing out at first before anybody gets to them, just all these hate and anger that built up. That's why I think at least. With what the man said, my mood shifted 180 degrees and I just felt happy after that. I walked away stunned, wondering how he could make that assessment after just having encountered me twice. I probably should just take it at face value but knowing me, I'm gonna keep tossing it in my brain wondering what the bleep!?

I walked away and made a call to my dad. It was probably around 0830 over there since it was 1130 when I called. He was in therapy though but I told him that I'm just calling to wish him a happy birthday. He called last night but when I got to the phone, he already had hung up. I called back two hours later but it was my mom that picked up, and I told her that my dad called . She said he called for no reason really, she said he was talking about me earlier so that might be why. I was just waiting 'til today to call him. I didn't realize we haven't spoken since we were in NC, crazy to think it's been a month already. He called last Friday to just check up on me but we just spoke briefly. It's nice that these days, he calls just because. I saw an old e-mail earlier and it made me smile coz in it, he was saying how it was as if I was only six years of age due to time we missed together but what can ya do but move on really. But now, I'm 9 now since he wrote that back in '03.
Happy Birthday Dad! I think he probably knows about me since my brother was saying how my mom and dad aren't stupid. Considering I never talk about girls, and one time he asked me if I liked boys, it took me a bit before responding. Maybe I'm underestimating him, but at the same time, with us working on our relationship I'm worried that it might put a dent on it. He talks about honesty and sticking to the truth but can people really handle the truth sometimes. I'd probably feel a lot better if I just told him but then, it's still a touchy subject this early in the relationship.

My mom's side of the family knows about me, but at the same time, I feel they think it's just a phase. They still ask me when I'd get married and have a family and stuff. They ask when I'm planning to settle down and have kids. Yo, I'm only 23 though before I was hoping I would be doing so come 27 or 28. I wonder about having kids one day, I just don't talk about it with anyone really. Some things you just think of, but don't really feel the need to let out. I laugh it off when they ask me about things like that but I do worry about it. I think I'd make a good dad, I'll make sure to be there for them. With me being gay, I think about how it'll be like for my kid to grow and not having a mom. Granted a mom and a dad isn't the formula for a perfect home, I wonder how I can make it work, if/when I do have a partner. It won't be the same since the circumstances will be quite different but when I think about my childhood, I'm like "Wow, I lived without a father my whole life." I wouldn't want my kids to go through that. I know my dad loves me but I wonder Why weren't you there for me? There's just emptiness I feel sometimes that despite of my mom's and the family's love? I can be around friends and family but yet, this feeling just stays with me. Does not having my dad around really impacted me that much? It's this feeling as if I wasn't loved because I didn't deserve to be. I try not to think about this, but earlier tonight, when it felt like somebody was shunning me, the floodgates just opened. I was walking to the grocery store, and just thought what's the matter with me?

My brother and I had a conversation when I told him about me last summer how if I still would have been gay had I grown up with my dad. I told him, I don't know because to be honest, I really don't, and probably will never know. I really can't pinpoint this or that as a reason, I might have just been born this way. Had the nurturing environment had been different, I'm sure it'll find it's way out sooner or later if this is the real me. I mostly attract older guys and sometimes I wonder if it's fulfilling a silent yearning inside me, for a father I never had. Maybe that's why I haven't been in a relationship yet I wonder? If it's because I'm trying to make up for something else.

And here I am thinking I was just gonna write about how my day went.....

Remembering

Right before I went to lunch, I heard that the receptionist's brother just passed away. Her mother called her at work, right in the middle of the day. The reasoning behind it is beyond me, I don't know why instead of having her go home, you would tell that kind of news over the phone. I feel awful. It brought me back to summer of last year when I heard about my grandad passing away, then upon getting there, my cousin passing away that evening. I had goosebumps remembering the pain, granted I haven't thought about it too much lately but with hearing about things like this, I can't help not to.

I really wasn't impacted by my grandad's passing away. It was worse seeing my aunts', uncle's, mom's, and my grandma's reaction as they were pushing the coffin into the grave. One of my aunts even grabbed the casket, not wanting to let go, crying out that how could my grandpa leave so soon. One even passed out, and we had to pour water over her and slap her, trying to get her to regain consciousness. Seeing my family in anguish was what finally broke me down and made me cry. I was taking some pictures, but had to put the camera down since the tears clouded my vision. One guy I dated last winter saw the pictures, and he asked what made me take that shot. I didn't know either. Maybe it was to capture the pain or maybe, I took a step back and became an observer for a moment. Seeing my loved ones in pain, and wanting as much I could to take it all away, knowing that they had to go through it alone. Taking it one day at a time, then maybe...just maybe making peace over what happened.

I know I have, or I'd like to think so at least. Though I'm aware that there will be times when the emotions would take me over, when I happen to just think about it.

*I'm gonna spare you guys by not posting the picture. I'm fine and will just write more when I'm in a different place

Tuesday yak yak

It's been a bit over a week since I actually updated. It's been good so can't complain. Nothing major but at the same time, I'm glad that things are happening. School's been interesting, I'd have to say. It's just amazing hearing about how civilizations started and all that. We have a paper due soon so need to work on that.

I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. Mine was good from what I remember. I went out the Friday prior. Well, I wasn't going to since I signed up to volunteer at F- and F- on Saturday from 8 - 10 am. Figured it'll give me an excuse not to go out on a Friday for a change since pretty much the past month, I've been going out just about every weekend. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's been really fun hanging out with S- and meeting new people. I guess I've been more outgoing than usual though with that, I need to time to recharge since that's the way I roll. My friend J- was in town and we were supposed to meet up at least but that didn't happen. He was about 30 mins away since his parents live in Maryland. They ended up picking up his brother Friday night so plans got scraped out.

I actually spoke with S- in the afternoon which is the first time I've talked to him longest on the phone. I got let go early since I had a little 'tantrum' when my boss said something I didn't like. I usually just got quiet if I'm annoyed though my coworker said that it shows in my face, which I didn't realize. After I got home, I just went running since I was gonna end up just sitting so that. Once that's done with, that's when S- called to see what I was doing and what my plans were. Told him my friend's in town, etc etc but it's not definite yet etc etc so he told me to let him know later on the day. I actually forgot that I said I was gonna call him so I didn't. He called close to 8 pm and asked why haven't I called heehee. That was kinda embarrassing, he was talking about how I don't call papi back. I debated about going or not but I ended up going anyway.

It was a fun night. I didn't get to Cobalt til two hours after I spoke to S- so he had a bit of a drink already. I probably blushed when he'd just look at me so I'd act like I was looking at something behind him, avoiding his gaze. We stayed at Cobalt maybe for an hour. I actually saw some blogger whose blog I've looked at here and there, but it would have been too weird to just do come up to him. Funny how I've been too nervous to meet newer ones that live here in the area. After Cobalt, we made our way down to Green Lantern which is a few blocks down. It was my first time there, there weren't too many people that evening so it wasn't too bad. I was with S- and St-, S-' friend. I'm not sure what it's called but they have this thing where you get drinks for free if you're in your underwear. The other two took their pants off, and after a little peer pressure, I did the same thing. It wasn't too bad since I kept my polo on at least. Good thing I opted for boxer briefs instead of my Superman briefs. I'm not even a big comic books fan but I liked the color of it so durrr. After a while though, you kinda forget that you're not wearing any pants so it's okay. I doubt I'd be doing that if there's a lot of folks though. St- was cool, this is the second time I've hang out with him and he actually took my number when we were walking out in the street. It was funny how S- got a bit mad about it since St- is his friend.

Once the underwear hour is over, we ended up going to JR's. I don't think we stayed long and called it a night and I ended up crashing at S-' since the metro stopped running. I sooo didn't wanna get up when he woke me up around 6 to get ready for my volunteering thing. I just wanted to sleep in but ya know, I've made a commitment so gotta do what I said I'll do. It was only for two hours and we pretty much were bagging the meals to be handed out by another group. The guys on my table were really funny so that made the time fly by. I'm the laugher though, I really don't joke around much when I'm in a group. Tending to take a step back and mostly listen, or laugh. One guy was giving me the "look" everytime I accidentally put something that goes past his table. It had me cracking up. I'm that easy to laugh.

One of the guys I previously worked with was there too and we ended up being at the same table so talked to him for a bit at least. It was my first time working on a weekend and he was explaining to me how the bagging system works since there were some special meals etc. He was really helpful, not that they all were :) I actually talked to him after the shift was over. We were making my way out to the parking lot, and I asked him some questions, and ended up chatting with him for about twenty minutes. I kept asking him when he's volunteering again *blush, guess I kinda wanted to work with him again. He said if I wanted to get his number, and I was all Suuuure. I did want to hang out with him so that's nice he offered. I ended up just walking back to the metro which was five minutes away since it would have been out of his way to drop me off.

Went home, ended up napping and not waking up for my friend's barbeque all the way in Maryland. I wanted to be out but at the same, not to a bar or a club so made my way to a movie theater to watch Waitress. Just the kind of movie I needed that day. I think watching a drama, Away From Her, would not have done me much good, as much as I like drama but sometimes, you just want to watch a movie that'll make you smile about things, and especially life in general. Ya know, having to make a tough decision but at the same time, just believing that everything will turn out okay.

Lessons learned

I came across a public access video and here are the lessons learned in it:

- If you really want to earn your man, you need to learn your man.

- There's nothing wrong with liking a flashy man.

- Some women are hooked on coming.

- Some men have so much heat and intensity in their penis, you can feel it radiate through their clothes. It feels like fire underneath their skin.

- Shrimp dinner at Long John Silver's cost $2.99.

- Men who offer you "a side of penis" don't respect you.

- Don't let every man hit the bottom of your vagina and work that middle.

- Some women's mind ain't good because the penis done ejaculate all in her brain.

- Some men screw women into submission by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down.

- When you're wide open with a penis all up in your vagina, you don't have no defenses.

- The worst thing that can happen is when a man, while he's thrusting the penis in and out, says, "Whose is it? Whose vagina is it? Who it belong to? Now, wha- wha- what I say? Who? Who?"

- Don't let every man spank your bottom and talk to you all kind of ways.

Babang Luksa

I called the family up this morning since today, 31st of May it's my grandpa's first year death anniversary. Babang Luksa literally means the end of mourning. With that, all the relatives and clans gather in a party of sorts, eating, drinking, having a good old time. I never actually knew what this meant until this morning when I read up about it. I've heard about it the longest but never really realized what it signified.

I didn't keep them long since it was a bit loud at my grandma's house. Our old neighbors from my childhood home were there, along as my second and third cousins, and family friends. The old neighbors were the ones who got to see first hand our crazy family. Fights erupting when some of the family guys go drinking, being chased down in the streets, hiding at a neighbor's house until everything settles. I laughed just now thinking about it but back then, ya know granted I accepted things as they were, I can't help not to wonder why. Anyway, that's the past.

I was just smiling talking to my grandma and my mom. People were singing karaoke in the background. I cried a bit but it was more coz of happiness knowing that they're having fun and celebrating. One of my aunts (the one wearing Reebok) and my grandma haven't spoken for months due to money problems, but I'm glad she showed up and hopefully, put whatever behind. But then, that's family, you fight you argue and sometimes even show your worst around them. Though with the ones who "act out," I think they take comfort knowing that there's family that'll always love them. That's what family is about, well for me at least. The folks who'd stand by you no matter what, well usually but not always. Though of course, we don't get to choose who ours will be, but then neither did they.

I was gonna keep quiet about this day but I felt compelled to write something. In the second pic which was taken on my 21st b-day, you'd see my grandpa in the wife-beater and my cousin, Sonny on the far right, that passed away the day we arrived in Manila a year ago, on the 8th of June. My mom's waiting until after my cousin's babang-luksa before she'd fly out to the States as to which we don't have an exact date yet but it'll be in about two to three weeks. I might not get to make my way out to Florida right when she arrives but will try to that weekend. I just won't tell her when so it'll be a bit of a surprise. I really can just see her whenever but it'll mean a lot to her me showing up around when she gets there. I just saw her last year so I'm kinda okay if I don't see her anytime soon. After not really being with my mom for almost seven years, I kinda got used to not having her around though on some days, I'd want nothing more to have her with me. Having our late night talks, just bs-ing around and making each other laugh. I miss her but not enough to live with her again methinks ;) If I could, I'd buy a mansion and have all my family living together. I sooo was thinking that growing up since it's rough having family in four different continents but guess it gives me an excuse to go back to Europe. I can only hope they're seeing the same sunset as I do, granted they're not with me, I hope they can sense there's a kid in DC thinking of them, always loving them.

He just dipped it

Knocked Up looks like it'll be a great summer movie. I haven't seen Shrek 3 or Pirates of the Carribbean, but I'll make sure to watch this opening night. It's a hoot watching movies when the theaters are packed. I have yet to watch a movie right when it opens.
This is one of the deleted scenes from the movie. It's a bit profane so might want to watch it at home.

Back to school

Last night was my first day of class and so far so good. I'm taking an actual class for History Western Civ which will run 'til the week prior to the 4th of July. It's been pretty good, granted I have yet to speak to my classmates but then it's the first day so it's okay.

Ok, my teacher kept saying it was a survey course and instead of just asking her what it meant, I looked it up and found out this morning. Anyway, we were let out an hour earlier than usual but the class actually runs from 7 to 10:20 pm. I'm gonna have to better manage my time since I'm taking three other classes online. It'll keep me busy I'm sure, so no more just sitting and doing nothing.

I'm actually excited. I missed just sitting in a classroom and listening to the teacher blah blah blah about things. I was all giddy hearing about the Theory of Evolution and such (giggling when I saw homo erectus on the slide). We only got to the pre-history portion but yea, am glad I'm back in school. If I love it enough, I'll try to go full time eventually and work part-time though my dad was saying how that's like taking a step back in a sense but whatevs.

I got home and just ended up ironing for two hours listening to ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Ugh, I didn't think I'd fall for that umbrella song.

This will be random but am I the only one who waits until there's nobody in the bathroom before I step out of a stall? I wish more people would coz I just get bothered somehow knowing who was behind the door producing all those noises.. Teehee

I don't know why I have this thing but it's like if I initiate a contact with someone, it feels like I'm the 'weaker' one. I've been like that since I was younger, though as to where it's stemming from I do not know. Everyone who knows about it thinks it's dumb I feel that way about initiating contact. Oh lord, it's only been a day that I didn't hear from S-. I gave in and texted him earlier so will see how that goes. I'm trying to think back to my time here that I didn't know him, but is that possible? I soo need to meet more folks.

Friday night and the feeling's right

Friday started out well. It's been a while since I've read The Little Prince and granted I've read it a lot of times, it still makes me teary-eyed as simple as the story might be. The day was okay, me and V- were out and about on the floors working on trouble tickets that were open. Thursday night, I made my way out to Suitland, MD to see her daughter sing in a group at their school's concert. It was fun, just getting to hang out with V- and just talking about stuff. We were hysterical in the train watching Lisa Lampanelli. Some of Lisa's jokes would just leave you with your mouth open. It was a nice evening. Having become friends with V- made my stay here better but then, there's really no way but up, not that it has been horrible since my move here.

I actually asked S- if he wanted to see Shrek 3 with me. He said yes so I was looking forward to that. Funny how I was thinking how he was like the fox from the book. I've been usually hanging out with him on Fridays so yesterday, as the day is coming to an end, I felt happier and happier because I'll get to see S-. We spoke on the phone around 5 pm, and he said that he has been in meetings all day which can be tiring. I told him that he can just go home and get some rest, not telling him that I've already purchased the tickets for the 10:30 show.

I was debating to head out to the city and just walk around since I kinda got into a mindset that I'll be out and about for the evening. I ended up going still though I just missed the happy hour at DC Eagle, getting to the closest train station at 8:05. I was standing outside for a bit since I was a bit nervous going in by myself but ya know, what's the worse that could really happen so I made my way in. The bartender I chatted with, Je- was there so that put me at ease at least. And another guy I spoke with, Ju- was there as well. I actually forgot his name and he had to tell me what it was. He asked about S- and I said S- is probably home sleeping since he was tired. We got to talking, and I found out he was in the Air Force as well, went to the same base for schooling, etc. I learned some interesting things how the leather world works. What "family" meant, what it means when you have a brother, a Sir, etc. One never stops learning.

With drinking, I tend not to remember some things that happen when I get drunk. Tuesday, I was gonna say looks like but I did black out for a bit. Ju- was telling me how I sorta got thrown out of the bathroom, etc. I remember being in a stall talking to S- and a manager being there as well saying that there can't be two people in a stall, etc. I don't remember going in, or why but Ju- told me that S- and I were arguing for a bit. Not that it was loud or anything, but S- got pissed since I was talking to another guy and got the guy's number. Je- said that everybody thought that me and S- were together, but one in an open relationship more than likely. I just laughed when he told me that. I told him I've just been hanging out with S- for about three weeks now, and we never really talked about 'us' since I don't know, there isn't an 'us'!? Je- was explaining what the difference was between seeing someone and dating someone, and how S- and I probably like each other but just won't admit to it. I guess we did give off a couple vibe when we went out that day. It's interesting hearing about it from an outsider's point of view. He just told me some little things, how he thought I was an alright guy but didn't ask for my phone number with S- being there and all. He told me that S- was the one who took my glass away when I was talking to the one dude. I remember taking one shot but after that, Ju- said I had two more tequila shots. And when we left, we kinda did so abruptly. I just thought huh..

So that was that, I ended up talking to the bartenders and a Sir. The Sir seemed like a nice guy and told me how yesterday shouldn't be my last time being there. He told me I should go to the Leatherfest. I had to ask what it was and they said it is a party, so will see about that one. Je- was calling me a cub so yea, thought it was kinda funny.

I ended up not going to the movies. I asked them if I could use the online reservation for a later show and the girl told me to just check with the manager upstairs. I ended up hanging out with a guy I never met but chatted with a few times. We just walked around Chinatown for a little bit trying to find a place that was open but they were all closed, and it was only 11! We ended up just sitting by Haegen Dasz and just talking. I got ice cream and to think it was really cold out. We just talked maybe for an hour or so. I was a bit tipsy after drinking at the bar, and was getting really sleepy so we made our way back to the metro station. We stood around for a while and talked even more until our train got there. We found more stuff to talk about so that was good, there were talks about getting together again so will have to make sure that happens.

I start school this Monday so that would keep me busy at least. The actual class for History will be Mondays and Wednesdays for about 3 hrs each for six weeks. The other three, will be distance learning for 16 so it shouldn't be too bad. Though taking Precalculus with Trigonometry online, will see how that'll go, having to make sense out of all the formulas only from a book.

Well it's almost 5 now. Just went running today and went to pick up some groceries. That was like four hours ago so definitely need to get showered now and do laundry. Probably just stay in and watch some DVD's. Listening to Landslide right now, the only Stevie Nicks I know so far. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.....