Things I don't like about me

Has everybody heard of the different temperaments? For those who haven't, it's a theory that goes all the way back to Hippocrates. He believed certain human moods, emotions and behaviors were caused by body fluids (called humors): blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. It just got me thinking since I've actually known about these for a while, and even gave some books as gifts trying to get a point across to people. During the time I lived with my aunt and uncle, it was hard on some days since my uncle was so serious the whole time that I remember thinking 'Lighten up, will ya!" Years later, and having lived with the bf this past year, it came to light that my uncle and I have similar personalities.

This came up since the bf and I had a fight few nights ago about things not being done in the house. I usually get upset when the bed isn't made when I get home, dishes are in the sink, etc. When this happens, instead of talking to Cs- about it, I would just be quiet and not talk to him in the time being. I forget how I hated it when my uncle didn't talk to me when we're home, yet here I am doing the same thing to my bf.

He just brought light to some things that I didn't realize I was doing which hurt him in some way. I can say that I'm pretty neat and organized at home, and usually have a system of sorts to make life easier. Even when I was in the mil, my friends used to laugh since I have a place for things. I have everything folded and I used to set Sundays as my ironing day. I'd spend part of the day ironing everything I washed the previous night. Well, not including underwear, but you know, pants, shirts, etc. I really didn't think much of it since it'll be easier for me to find something if I know where it is, rather than hunting around when you need it. Even when I was in school, I'd dump everything in my backpack out and reorganize my notebooks, books EVERY night with no fail. Have it in order as to what class we have, I was even the go-to guy since they know if they need a school supply of sort, Kris will have it.

I'm also quite particular with the kind of food I buy. I only buy Rocky Road or Cookies and Cream ice cream, just creamy Skippy peanut butter, you get the idea. There's a certain brand of wheat bread that I only eat since I've tried other ones and didn't like it. It's not so much that I'm particular, but I just like what I like. So, when I asked him to go grocery shopping, he bought bread, just not what I've been getting. I made it known that it's not the brand that I eat, but perhaps I should have waited to tell him so rather than saying it right when he's putting them away. The bread went to waste since I tried it but didn't like it so went to the store and grabbed the usual brand myself. With doing so, I've hurt him unknowingly.

Here's a site that briefly talks about the personalities. I'm a mix Melancholy/Phlegmatic, leaning more to Melancholy. I'll admit when I read my old posts, and just think Oh my god, I sound so depressed but I don't know, I'd like to think I write about the negative to let it out mainly. In person, I'm easy-going and low key. And I thought it didn't take much to make me happy, yet I'd get depressed in a heartbeat over the little things.
I'm just a walking contradiction, aren't I?

I just noticed that for both personalities, it mentioned self a lot. Selfish, self-centered, self-righteous. Actually I can be selfish when I want to. I went to an extreme once when I was younger, and had a famicom, I didn't want my cousin playing it so I hid the controller when I went to school. Well, my aunt wanted to play it but since I hid it, no one was able to. I got home and they asked why I hid it, and I really can't remember what I said or even having a reason other than not wanting anyone else to use it while I'm gone. It's funny though that I attributed some of my not-so-nice traits to being mixed rather than just for being a kid alone.

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess to shed more light about my not-so-great aspects and try to find a way to overcome it when it starts to affect relationships. With my nature, I tend to focus on the negatives and seriously forget what I like about a person. I tend not to tell them what's going on since I hate conflicts, so I just quietly take myself out of the picture, probably leaving some wondering why what happened.

I spoke to an old friend few weeks ago, someone I was friends with in high school back in the Philippines. We were really good friends, though we had some falling out a few times. We laugh about it now but one of them was because she let my other classmates use my marker without telling me. It made me mad enough to not talk to her for a week which is another thing I'm trying to work on. When I'm upset, I go about things as usual except acknowledging the person I'm upset with. I forget how I hated it when that was done to me, being in the same room with someone, yet feel as if you don't even exist, that you don't matter enough to get even a nod or anything. I did that quite a lot. I'm not sure what triggers it. I'd wake up one day and just don't feel like talking to people, or get bored so ignore folks just for the kick of it. That doesn't sound normal, and I AM guilty.

Anyway, she told me some of the things she appreciated about me. I'd buy her food when we're out and about, or just being there when she needs me. I seriously don't remember what these things were but she does so guess that's a good thing. I'm not so bad after all since she said, I'm like her first friend that made an impact to her life, and yet not even know it. I just did what I thought one would do for their friend, nothing else. I have deep concern for others, I'll do what I can to help (self-sacrificing), sensitive, and a lot of people say I'm sweet :D To be honest though, I'm boggled to this day as to how I'm sweet. I don't know what makes me one. Oh damn, mel kicking in. Shut up and focus on the good stuff! If I chose to be your friend, I'm a friend for life so the ones I've met, you lucked out haha. You can't get rid of meeee!

That's about it. I just wanted to touch up on this to bring light to my dark side and see what I can do to not become Darth Vader, kapeesh!? My bebe is a Sanguine by the way...

Let's play!

Ey, anyone else who owns a Wii? Please let me know so I can add you on mine.
Here's my Wii code: 4010-5820-8988-0733

No more cold feet....

It was a miscommunication between my dad and I over that conversation that one Friday night. I've dodged the topic since then whenever he called and ask me what's really going on. Today, something just came over me and I flat out told him that the guy that was gonna come with me is my boyfriend. He had me repeat what I told him just in case, and repeat I did. It was still a bit weird to flat out say I'm gay but I eventually did. He acted like I had a feeling he would.. I'm normally optimistic but realistic at the same time so wasn't holding my breathe on him saying he'd love me just the same, yada yada. I didn't like some of what he said so had to defend the gays haha. I didn't see our talk going anywhere so told him I'm just gonna go and hang up I did.

Here I was thinking my world would crumble if he didn't approve of me, but ya know, I ended up cracking a smile afterwards. It just hit me that what he thought didn't matter anymore as I thought it would. If he comes around great, if not I'd live *smiles* He's not obligated to keep on loving me if he doesn't want to. It's all about choices really, and sometimes people can choose to not talk to us anymore, or to continue loving us, and as much as that would hurt, we really can't do anything about it but move on. Now, one thing you have to remember is NOT to blame yourself in anyway. People do things with no rhyme or reason and you can't hold yourself responsible for it. Never forget that!

Well I'm just telling myself that since I tend to expect the worst sometimes but I'll shut up now. Thanks for the support, it does make a difference more than one would imagine. It's amazing how much blogger love there is sometimes, it makes me smile and grateful. I do love you all! Can one of you be my daddy!? Just kidding!! Or am I.....

Yours with a happy face :)

Missionary impossible!!.. Get it!?

This never fails to make me laugh when I'm feeling blue..

Cable channel.mp3

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the stall?

Well, it's been a little over a week now and still no word from my father. I've asked my bro to see if he's mentioned anything but nada. First off, I wanted to say thanks to your comments and thoughts about this whole situation. It means sooo much to get inputs on this rather than going through it alone. At this time, I'm not bogged down about it. If he comes around, great. If not, I can't let it get to me since it's not gonna do me any good.

This pic I actually took the day after "the talk". I was feeling down that Saturday and really didn't wanna stay home so I decided to go to the National Mall to help not to remember. I spoke to a few folks I could possibly go with but with barely knowing them, I really didn't want to go through the getting-to-know conversations when all I'd want to do is let it all out and have someone to just be there.

Anyway, off to the Mall I went and I visited a few museums. Sackler, African Art, Smithsonian Garden. Just walked around as well and watched people playing, walking, talking, just interacting with each other. It was a really nice day and it was the Kite Festival as well so there were quite a few you'd see up in the sky. I offered to take a picture of a few people. One of those things I do when I feel down, doing a deed for others without expecting anything. It helps to take my focus onto something outside myself and it does help me feel better, if not completely. With the pic, I was in the bathroom as you can see with the urinal in the back and all. I take pics depending how I feel to sorta serve as a reminder about a certain point in my life. And it makes me laugh too when I make faces for a picture. Thank god nobody walked in on me. *You can click on the pic and see other ones I took

To be honest, I don't remember what I did that evening. This past weekend, C- and I volunteered at an elementary school to help paint, landscape the school. We got tasked to paint some art though which was neat. They were sorta like the iPod commercial where it's a person's silhouette in one color, and the background in a contrasting one. Afterwards, we dropped off our friend and made our way out to the Mall and went paddle boating. It was nice though I got a bit nervous when we were actually paddling around. Then, stopped at the fish market on the way home to get some crabs. Then, just stayed in.

Sunday, spent the day being lazy and cleaned some, did the laundry, washed the dishes. Went to Hooters in the evening and that was that. I've never had their wings until now..

Well that's all for now. I'm alive and well, thanks once again. *Smile*

Coming out....

My dad knows now. The way it happened was kinda sudden and I'm still digesting it all. Will write more about it soon....Now I am.

Friday night, my mom (step) called me back since we didn't get to speak a few days prior when I called her. We spoke about the usual, school, work etc, and we got to the part about my visit this summer . June 7 will be my dad's birthday, and on that same day, my brother will be graduating from high school as well. I've known about this for a looong time so it was definite that I'm gonna be coming. We got to talking about where I'm gonna stay and since she mentioned a few other family members are going, I told her I might just stay at a hotel since my friend wants to come also, that friend being C-. We just talked more about the possibilities of staying at the house, or if not where would be a good area to get a hotel, etc. So throughout the talk, my mom knew that I'll be taking a guy friend with me. She knows I'm gay actually. They, being my brother and her, got into a conversation about it one time and somehow it came up and by brother told her that I was. My brother has known about it for years when I admitted to it back in 06 during the family reunion.

Three hours later as I was about to sleep, the phone rang and when I glanced over, saw that it was my dad. Figured I'll just pick up since we really don't stay that long on the phone. He just wanted to confirm since per what my mom told him, I was gonna be bringing a friend over, except that she left out that it was a guy. He asked me, What's her name? I said, Ummm, it's not a girl.. Kris, that doesn't make sense? You're bringing a friend over and it's not a girl? I tried to brush it off by saying that technically, I wasn't really bringing my friend home. He's never been to Cali and thought it'll be nice to visit. Seconds later, the question 'Are you straight?' came up. This whole time, I've said yes eventhough I knew that wasn't the truth.

But that night, something just shifted and I just kept silent which usually means a yes, does it not? He'd ask, and I wouldn't answer and he'd go Kris!!?? 'Yea, I'm here" Are you straight!? Silence...This went on three more times before the question changed. Are you gay? (nicer way than what he said) Silence... Kris!! Yep? Are you gay!? Silence... Kris!! Yep? I'm here.. Are you gay? I wasn't gonna say yes since I didn't like the word he used, so I replied 'What if I am?' I waited for his response and he told me he's just gonna go since he don't feel like talking anymore and hanged up. I sat there in the bed stunned, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.

I couldn't even cry. I was in shock. C- eventually came by my side since he overheard parts of the conversation. All I could utter was that I guess he finally knows.. Thirty minutes later, I ended up sending a text: Dad, I really don't know how else to tell you but yea, I'm gay. Sorry for having to tell you in a text but it'll do for now... Kris

Next day was a bit awful. C- had to go to work, and initially I thought I was fine. But I just had this antsy feeling that stayed with me. And when I was taking a shower, that's when it hit me. I thought I was really over with the people-pleasing but I realized that wasn't the case. I realized that I can't be completely be honest when I'm hiding who I was. He's always told me to always tell the truth, and be honest but how I can do that with everybody if I can't even do it with the person who tells me to do so. So in essence, I've lied. I've told only half-truths and left out bits and pieces since I thought it would upset people. I've told lies to protect others when i thought that they can't handle the truth. I guess I just got tired of it, having to hide the real person that I am. I'm aware that sometimes I have to do so to protect myself but with loved ones, it just felt that it didn't have to be that way. The whole side my mom's family knows and do they care, thankfully they don't. Though I'm aware that sometimes they think it's a loss since I won't be able to have kids and lead a normal life, but then what's normal these days?

One uncle that's religious, I was surprised that he took it pretty well. It just doesn't come up when I talk to him but I know that he knows, yet loves me the same. But then, how could he have not? What 13-yr old sings and dances to the Spice Girls around his family!? Certainly not I!! Haha. My cousin told me that she already knew since I came out of my mom's vajayjay. Silly girl. But really though, people have known since I was a kid. I used to think, Shit, how the fuck did they know!? There's this saying that went If one person calls you a horse, don't pay them too much mind. If two people calls you one, you better start paying attention. If three or more does, go look at a mirror and see if you do have hay hanging out of your mouth!

It's been a few days since that talk and I've yet to hear back from him. Am I scared? Yes, I worry that this will be the end of a relationship we started building on this past 6-7 years. Does that make me sad? Oh definitely it does. Eventhough he's never really been around, I do love my dad. I think it's silly how I can love someone that I've barely been around with in my 24 years of existence. I wish I don't love him but I do and I can't help it. I guess if he chose not to talk to me again, it'll be a loss on but what can I do? I'll have to honor his choice if that's what he wants. I just hope I don't focus on not getting love from him and not realize the love that's been all around me.

In a sense, I'm thankful that despite of him not being around, god or whatever you'd want to call it made sure I have other people to love and to love me back. Not because I'm special but simply just because. I'd like to think that I'm a good person in general and being gay doesn't make me a bad person. I'm mostly telling myself this as a reassurance, that being completely honest for a start wouldn't end this relationship I have with my father. If it did, oh well what can I do but move on as much as it would hurt me. I guess I'll always have the memories and at least some pictures to keep, to remind me that my father did love me in the only way he knew how...

Control a Man

If you would have listened to Alexys, you would have known that you need to learn your man. But, I found a better way. I found something that can control him*. Got this as a gift for C- last week for his birthday. I think it went well after all. I'm not that great with giving gifts so pretty much got him the remote, a pair of Onitsuka Tiger shoes, and a box of Godiva chocolates. I saw the remote and I just laughed when I saw what the buttons are for.

Then at noon, we got on a cruise that took us around the VA/DC area via the Potomac River. He's been talking about going on for the longest so figured I'll just take him on one instead. The cruise took about 2 1/2 hrs which was nice. We were stuffed! And all we had was a 3-course meal. It's crazy though how they charged for coffee. You'd think it'll be free at least but ah well.

After the cruise, we stopped by the mall and got an iMac. I made reservations at a Mexican restaurant but ended up cancelling but the cruise got us filled, and I doubt we would have been able to eat just yet. Went home for a bit then saw Run Fatboy Run later in the evening and called it a day after it was over. Well some of you have met them in person already (D-man , Rey, VUBOQ), and even spoken to him on the phone (mhs), and he said yes so I'm posting a pic of us both.

*I take debit cards and credit cards if you wanna get the remote

Things to do list....

Stumbled upon this sheet of paper that a list was written down early 2007. It just kinda made me smile since I've yet to get all of them done, but that just shows I'll always be a work in progress..

1. Set up allotment for savings Got this started but things happened and spent it all
2. Organize/purge paper and folders Still have some here and there though organizing relaxes me weird as that might be, bringing order to my world I guess
3. Take out things not to be used anymore I was renting a room after having lived in a townhouse the previous year so trying to do with just the basics
4. Blog daily As some can attest, harder than it sounds
5. Look into going to school this March Went back to school June instead
6. Find someone who loves me Curious why I used present tense rather than 'who will love me'
7. Get medical appointment at Whitman I ended up going through a doctor I saw, WWC made me nervous for some reason
8. Apply for a consolidation loan ugh! how could I let this happen Paying it off still
9. Volunteer (change the world in a way) I have, and still doing so
10. Stay happy I succeed on some days

Just wow...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. And thank God for that."

Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!

No no, I really didn't say that to anyone. Once you watch the video, maybe it'll make you laugh too! It's been almost a week since we went to NYC. My cousin who lives in Colorado flew to Jersey since her gf was there for a training. I haven't seen her since summer of 2006 after having gone to the Philippines for A funeral, that became two. It was nice to see her again. We got there a little bit after midnight last Friday since I was working the late shift and wouldn't get out 'til 8. I left an hour early though but the weather was bad, and having to stop by Petsmart to drop the dog off and all, we didn't hit the road 'til 9:30. C- drove because it's still a bit uncomfortable for me with the surgery and all.

We had to get signed in to the base and all, and just went straight to the hotel. It was fun just chilling with them, watching Lisa Lampanelli's show that I have on my iPod.

Saturday, had an early start since we were going to NYC. It took about an hour and a half each way since we had to drive to the train station, then catch the train from there that'll take us to Penn Station. Got to Penn, then transferred so we can go to Broadway to catch a show. We got there and walked down an avenue before finally asking someone and sure enough, we went the opposite way. It was raining really bad too, so our pants and shoes are pretty much soaked.


We saw Avenue Q which makes it the second time for C- and I. I really can't explain what the show is about since I tried and I sorta looked stupid. It's Sesame Street for adults, that's all I'm gonna say. The song on this video is from this play, and it definitely is true.. Schadenfreude!!! If they come to a city near you, make sure you check 'em out.

GARY COLEMAN: Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy
NICKY: I'll say.
GARY COLEMAN: And when I see how sad you are It sort of makes me...Happy!
NICKY: Happy?!
GARY COLEMAN: Sorry, Nicky, human nature-Nothing I can do! It's...Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you.
NICKY: Well that's not very nice, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN: I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it! D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?
NICKY: Yeah...
GARY COLEMAN: And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?
NICKY: Sure!
GARY COLEMAN: And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, Watching people out in the rain!
NICKY: You bet!
GARY COLEMAN: That's...
GARY AND NICKY: Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: People taking pleasure in your pain!
NICKY: Oh, Schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
GARY COLEMAN: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"
NICKY: "Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German! Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken
GARY COLEMAN: Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!
NICKY: Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"
GARY AND NICKY: "No!!!" Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: "Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"
NICKY: Ooh, how about... Straight-A students getting Bs?
GARY COLEMAN: Exes getting STDs!
NICKY: Waking doormen from their naps!
GARY COLEMAN: Watching tourists reading maps!
NICKY: Football players getting tackled!
GARY COLEMAN: CEOs getting shackled!
NICKY: Watching actors never reach
GARY AND NICKY: The ending of their oscar speech! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.
NICKY: Sure! We provide a vital service to society!
GARY AND NICKY: You and me! Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place...Making the world a better place...Making the world a better place... To be!
GARY COLEMAN: S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!

After the play, we made our way out to Central Park. It was still lovely eventhough the skies are gray. Took a bunch of pics but cousin has the majority of 'em, I have some Then, we went to Ground Zero and tried to see where the WTC's used to be but alas, they started building on it so (T_T) Then, just went to Japan Town but they opted for Thai so I didn't get to go where Jon took me last time.. Boooo!!! I was seething for a bit but oh well, guess Kris can't have it all. The Thai place was okay, but I was there thinking "Great, I only come up here so often and I didn't get to eat what I wanted."

We walked around for a bit but it was too cold so we just went home. Didn't get to see the stores, no Muji, Uniqlo, NOTHING! The horrible weather messed it up a bit but oh well, I'm still glad we came though, as long as I got to spend time with my cousin, I'm okay.

Sunday, we went to Philly but same, cold and windy so opted to just go to the mall. Guess I'll come back again when it's warmer. Philly's lovely though, not the cheese steak but the city too :D I like South Street's vibe a lot, reminds me of Harajuku. We just went our separate ways after the mall, and I'm glad I didn't feel sad. I guess I just tried to enjoy the weekend for what it was and not think too much as to when I'll see my cousin again. It sucks sometimes, we're pretty much brothers and sisters except it's not official. Eventhough we didn't see each other until we were grown up, I loved her nonetheless. I was told she nicknamed me Poo-Poo when I was a baby. I lived with her and her parents when I moved to Florida, and that's when we became really close.

On the drive back, C- and I stopped at the Waffle House since there isn't any nearby the DC area. The closest one is a 45 min drive, and I'm not sure if I love it enough to drive that long... It was a good drive, just spent it talking about things. Times like this makes the way I feel about C- stronger, that sometimes it scares me. I wonder with not having bf before, it's not so much that I didn't not want to have one, but I'm realizing that it's being vulnerable to something outside myself that bothered me. For them to see through me and learn all my hopes and fears, the things I've gone through, and everything else that makes me me.

That's about it really. Aside from that, work's been good. Had some issues with my car, a nail got one of my tires and had to get it replaced. Took the place 5 days before they got it though, and that whole time I've had to drive using the spare one when I was told I should only drive a day. Nothing else to report though the time change makes me happy. It's nice that the sun lasts longer during the day, I need to get back to a routine like I used to. Get back to going to the gym, volunteer more like I used to.

You must begin wherever you are....

Soon enough, I'm hoping to put a blog up of sayings, meditations, and quotations that I've come across and liked through the years. I have a box full of them and have yet to actually type 'em up but will start on it soon. Err, I write down who said which though, hopefully they won't try to sue me :) Some just touches me, and some serves as a reminder when I start to forget the things that matter.

If you are waiting for something to happen before you begin what you want to do, it will never happen. If you are waiting to get something before you do what you say what you want to do, you will never get started. If you are waiting for the right time, the right person, the right circumstances, you could be waiting forever. How about this, what can you do right now? Can you write a letter? Make a call? Finish a plan? Structure a goal? Can you pick a name? Paint a wall? Ask a question? Sweep a floor? Can you structure a schedule? Can you project a date? Can you fulfill a promise? Can you read a book? Can you stop doing all the things you do that keep you from doing the one thing you want to do? Can you pray? Can you sing? Can you dance right where you are? Whatever you can do, you better do it now. Now is all you have to work with.

-Iyanla Vanzant
Acts of Faith

On a pastel ward...

I'm finally back to work yesterday after taking the previous week off. As some of you know, I had a surgery done somewhere *blush. It was an outpatient surgery done back on Monday and I spent pretty much the whole week at the house, only stepping out on Friday to go to class.
I wish I can say I have a big thunk, maybe just a little bit. Just being still made me think about things, things I've said and done to people which really aren't the nicest.

It's been a long time since I've actually gone to the hospital. I used to go in a lot when I was younger since I was an accident-prone kid. Breaking my arm after falling off of a tree, my leg when my hand slipped on a monkey bar, bitten by a dog, you name it. Guess I wasn't as good of a kid as I thought. I used to get into all sorts of stuff, well that's only coz I liked to play a lot. Maybe I should get back and try to find activities to do now that I'm older... Playing sure made me forget, even for just a bit, that maybe, what was happening was just temporary and not gonna last forever. It's crazy the things one's mind can remember.

The most major accident I had was when I think I was 6!? We were making balls out of mud and throwing it against the wall and taking them right off and do the same thing. To get to the wall though, we had to get up maybe two feet with a ledge of maybe 3 inches. There's this pointy metal sticks that served as a fence. You can actually see it in the background of this picture right nya. I got on the ledge (which was a bit wet) and as I was trying to get the mud off the wall, my foot slipped and my head went straight into the metal fence, right through my chin and piercing through my tongue as well. I guess my body went right into shock, because to this day, I don't remember the pain. It was a bit hazy after wards, I don't remember even having any energy to get myself out. My cousin had to lift my head up to get me out of the fence.

During that time, my mom was told of what happened and she just yanked me and carried me and started running to get a cab. I remember her carrying me and with my face right on her shoulder, I recall the blood gushing out my mouth/chin. I don't remember anything else after getting to the hospital. I recall having to stay there for a while as to how long, I do not know. I had problem eating since the saliva would build up, or even talking since I'd start drooling. Sometimes I wonder if that might have been why I have a bit of a lisp.

Anyway, I just felt the need to tell that story. When I told my mom Sunday that I was gonna get surgery Monday, she started crying since she wanted to be there. I told her not to worry about it since she had work anyways, and it'll just be a minor one. She is such a dramatic actress haha. I can see where she's coming from though. At least now, I have C-. He took some days off so he can just stay home and take care of me. I really appreciated that, and I hope he can feel it. Well I sent him a text just now so he'd actually know.

Things have been crazy since mid-January as some of you who I've talked to is aware. I'd rather not elaborate on it, but I've hurt people I love without realizing it. I think I get overwhelmed with emotions sometimes that I don't know what to do with it. For the most part, I've been happier than I used to be or I'd like to think so. I don't pray any longer for someone to love since he showed up in my life. I remember just wanting to have somebody to share things with, to do different things with, to go to places with. And now that he's here, I'm thinking just like that life!? I just met him for something to eat and here we are almost nine months later!? Sometimes I forget that good things happen simply because I deserve it. I need to stop racking my brains out trying to find reasons that I don't deserve something. Because honestly I really do. I underestimate myself too much and it's got to stop! I guess I got used to going through things by myself that it's taking some getting used to for me to open up, and talk about what's bothering me, or just talk about how my day was. For C-, I'm really grateful...

Anyway, I should be getting back to work now. Oh, I also got to see the Spice Girls on the 28th of Feb. Mannn, that was amazing to finally see them in the flesh. Something I've been wanting since I was 14/15 yrs old. I guess I'll never outgrow them. They take out the girl in me haha. I was dancing around during the show, and to think I was sober doing it too. But it's kinda funny how almost everybody knew the steps, it was a riot :D I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ah!!!

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

One day only

The blog looks the way it was years ago. My settings got really screwy so will use this in the meantime until I have more time to fix it.

In light of the concert I'm going to tonight, I'm putting this up again for just today.. I'm gonna see the Spice Goils *grins Yes!!! 11 yrs and it's finally happening. It's okay.. You can laugh... Girl power!



As promised to D-man, a vid I made singing and dancing to the SG hehe! It's all for fun *grins....

#^@%!!!

I deleted the layout that I had by accident and now, I don't have a link to a single blog I like. Trying to get this back like it was...

Update:
Yeah!!! Thanks to Dessie, I got a snapshot of how it looked like. Just a matter of copying and pasting... Someone needs to learn html

Quit while you're a head!!

I'm feeling better now, and watching this video certainly helped :D I told this at work and good thing my coworkers found it funny.

Random things (not any better than last)

Posting the pics of me wearing the jackets that I bought. I'm leaning more with the leather since it could go with dress and casual clothes. And this whole time, all I was trying to find is a water-proof jacket. Maybe I'll just get a rain coat! But D-man, here goes as you requested. I'm probably keeping the leather one. Whatcha guys think?

I guess this is how life works sometimes. Thursday went well as I caught up with a friend I haven't seen in a loong time, then it just went downhill from there. I'm a bit better than I was over the weekend. Friday just turned really shitty than I can't hold things in anymore. With the whole telling the dad thing, it just felt like I had to tell him that night. I could have waited til he actually picked up but I didn't. I ended up calling a fellow blogger, as to what i don't remember. I think I just needed to hear a friendly voice. I get in the dumps and it sucks I don't have a friend close by I can just go to. All I have here are acquaintances, and all the folks I'm good friends, they're either in Florida, Cali, Washington or Idaho.

But yeah, during our talk, I had to go to the bathroom really bad and instead of hanging up, I tried to do two things at once. Alas, my cell fell in the toilet and hasn't worked since. I'm waiting on a new one from AT&T that should arrive tomorrow. Here I was thinking I didn't need the insurance. Oh, when you call for a replacement for whatever reason, did you guys know you have to pay a deductible? I certainly didn't but they charge you $50 for doing so. They'll be sending me a Sony w580i since I have an older version of it I got two years ago.

But yea, that's about it really. Didn't do a whole lot Sunday, was on the computer mostly discovering new music, and reading Alice in Wonderland. Never got to read it or watch the movie though the quotations I've come across sounded interesting soo yea, that's about it.

Good thing I didn't get an iPhone yesterday as I was planning to, and spent all that money. An issue came up with the mom, and right now I'm not really happy with her. I've been telling her to go back to Florida but she won't listen, but after what happened today, she said crying that she might just have to. I doubt she will though. She'd say all this stuff trying to make me feel better, with someone moving in at the spare room at their apartment (my old one) so the rent will be less, that she's trying to find a full-time job, I tell her where to go but all she listens to are her Filipino friends. Maybe I haven't helped her as much as I could... We get into fights about this, that I'm not doing enough for her as a son. I say that I can only do so much, but she still has this mentality that I'm gonna help until the end. I'm just angry right now, and had to vent somewhere so derrr...

Hate me... (WARNING: Moping)

Well my brother told me sometime during our talk last week that my stepmom already knows about me being gay. He said she really didn't care which made me glad. I've never spoken to her about it but I'm sure she had ideas. Last night, I ended up going out to a bar when all I wanted to do was just stay home and rest. I was at the bar for a good 2-3 hours, and called it a night. It was fun, talked to some new folks and ran into a bunch of guys I hang out with when I just moved here. They'd have this parties and this one guy that I met invited me, with me not knowing anybody in the city. Anyway, I met this one woman named Mary and this whole time, she was asking one of the guys where I was. Mary and I really hit it off. She's this 50-something woman that's like a ball of energy, I loved her that night. But yea, I got one of the guys' number so will call them and maybe stop by where they work. I'm glad she remembers me.

Anyway, as I was saying, I ended up calling my dad on my way to the car just saying I was glad that they got the CD I sent them, and that all's well, amongst other things. Right towards the end of the vmail, I said something along these lines: "I went Ummm, Dad Oh yea, there's something that I should tell you. Ummm, I'm gay. But yea, that's about it really. I just thought you should know. So yea, just call me sometime."

I texted my bro and told him I ended up telling my dad through voicemail. He said I probably should have waited until I ACTUALLY was talking to him, but later on he texted that everything will be okay. I was planning to tell my dad before January ended but didn't get around to it. I got really, really close when he asked me who I was living with if it was neither my old roommates nor my mom.

Right now, I just have all these mixed emotions. Scared, excited, lonely, just all these emotions. I feel like I'm just wading through the days, not knowing what to do. With things in my life, you think I'd be happy. Have a good job I just started early January, have a bf, my mom's here, but I don't know, it just doesn't seem enough. It feels like there's just this empty spot that I cannot fill. I thought I love myself already but I actually have yet to get there. I really thought I did, granted I feel better about myself than I used to, but I guess I don't love me completely. I really wish I can integrate what other people see in me and the way that I see myself. They see this good, funny, smart kid and I'm probably some of those things, but when I look at the mirror, I don't see any of those things. I just see me, and that's it. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I don't see myself like others do, maybe it helps to keep my feet on the ground or it's a curse that I can't see the good in me.

Am I still seeking my dad's love and approval after all this time? I really don't know. I thought I was past that but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I think I turned out okay with the things I've seen and done for 24 years. I don't think about it much. Things happened and that's just life you know!? Do I wish it was different? Sometimes I do from time to time. I just wonder... How it would have been if I grew up in the States? If I grew up in a sane environment? It wasn't that great but the family loved me, but it just didn't seem enough. There's this sad feeling that I just didn't belong as much as I want to. I felt like an outsider just looking in. I know that the family loves me but sometimes the things you were told kinda stays stuck in my head. My mom told me once that my grandma was just helping us out of pity. And granted that I felt her love, it's just in the back of my mind whether she really loves me or not.

I have this anger that I'm not sure what's stemming from. I'm a good, happy, go-lucky guy most of the times, and yet if someone does something not right in my eye, I'm just about to bite their head off. I took out my mom to the movies Thursday night, and I got really frustrated since when were trying to get something to eat, she seriously considered not eating since she didn't know what to get. I was just there thinking, how the fuck is this possible!? I sensed this rage just coming from within and I had to step out just not to be around her even for a few seconds.

I want love but at the same time, I don't. I'll do things to make people love me, and once they do, it seems like I just don't want it anymore. When I feel that people love me, I'll try to make them hate me. As if I'm asking them, "Can you love me a little less please?" I just want to be left alone, maybe I wouldn't feel bad because there won't be anyone I can do these things to.

I'm forgetting what matters....

How does it feel in my aaaarms..

Do you want it? Do you need it?

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms

Kylie Minogue WOW

Jackets

We were out in Tyson's Corner yesterday and ended up buying two jackets since I can't make my mind up. I'll be trying them on more to maybe help me decide more. The leather one actually has a detachable hood, and the fur can be taken off as well.
The one on the left, I like since it's water proof. Can't leather be made water-proof too? I thought they can be so will have to read up. The leather one's more versatile, don't cha think?

We might be through with the past....

I called in sick yesterday since I didn't feel too good. I got like 3 miles away from work, but really didn't feel like going so called the boss, and told her I was sick. I really am... though the pain is in more ways than one. I ended up chatting with a fellow blogger and that made me feel better. Once that was done, ate, then plopped in the couch and cried through Magnolia. The movie didn't hit me the first time, but yesterday was a completely different story. It hit home really close due to some things I'm dealing with. Anyway, here's a pic (pardon the jackets!) I took when talking to a fellow blogger. Appreciate the convo!

"We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

God please forgive Her...

Yea, this really isn't a post. I'm not sure where my mind is at the moment. Some of you know what's going on but maybe one day, I can explain it all. Anyway, one comment about this "found" made me chuckle.. "You have to have a license to fish...but any idiot can be a parent." The letter was heartbreaking though..

It's whatever you choose....

I figured from now on, I'll start to put in a quotation or some sort of devotion that has helped me go through the hard times. Or even, some sort of reminder so that I will never forget where I came from, and all the things I've learned in this journey called life. (I have a bunch of books and keep a sheet of paper where I write down the pages that just stirs something in me. I don't highlight the pages ever, or if I do, it's only because I have two copies of the book.) Anyway, here's one of them:

Life will accommodate you in any way that you choose. Life is always listening to the silent requests of your heart and mind. Life is always surveying the landscape of your heart, gathering the bits and pieces of the emotions buried there. Life is always monitoring the activity of your tongue, checking for ruins and sacred elements. Life knows that your mind, heart and mouth will produce the requests of your consciousness even when you are not aware of it.

Life can be an open book through which you can learn about great mysteries and wonders. Or life can be a mysterious and frightening pit through which you fear to tread. Or life can be an open basket into which you can place your treasures, in which you can carry abundant blessings. Or life can be a locked trunk from which you can retrieve or receive nothing. Life can be a journey or a struggle. A paradise or a prison. A calm sea or a turbulent ocean. It's all up to you. Life will accommodate whatever you choose, exactly the way you choose. And, whether or not you believe it, what you have in your life right now is a function of your own requests! Some of those requests you made openly. Others you made silently. Doesn't matter! Life is very accommodating, and the minute your requests change, your life will follow suit.

Until today, you may not have realized that life is answering your requests. You may not have believed that you have the power and the right to ask life for more than you already have right now. Just for today, be devoted to creating a list of positive, joyful requests. Create them first in your mind. Next, create them in your heart. Then speak them into existence. Be sure to remember what you have created. If it does not show up, check your counterrequests.

Until Today!
by Iyanla Vanzant

Kept my pants on

Well Saturday came and went and I ended up not going to the No Pants 2k here in DC. Ah well, laziness kicked in a bit and I ended up just staying home. Ah well, if there's one next time, then I would consider. It got me to sign up for Facebook though, so you know what to do if you're in it (I already have you added Robert!!) Ended up hanging out with our neighbor. Then later on that evening, went out to Lucky Strike and tried to go bowling. They won't let N- (next to V- in the pic) in though since he was wearing Timberland boots so we ended up stopping by our house so he can borrow my shoes. Went back, but by the time we got there, there was queue to get in to the bowling alley and the wait would have to be 4 - 5 hrs according to the guy that worked there. We were all supposed to meet at 8, and the other V- (the girl next to me in the previous pic). She was waiting on her daughter to get home which never happened :( So we ended up just going to Thai Chili in Chinatown, me, C-, N- and his gf. A good time was had by all, well I would hope so hehe, but it was nice to just sit down and have a chat. If you ever find yourself in the area, Thai Chili's the place to go!

Sunday, the bf took me to see Shear Madness at the Kennedy Center. This play was a riot. Reminded me of Strangers with Candy with their play of words, LOVE IT! Good thing I didn't yell out 'Girl Power!' when they mentioned the Spice Girls. The ending was such a shocker, who would have thunk...Thanks again kiddo!

Aside from that, I enrolled to some classes and started school today. I'll be taking 9 credits so if I do well, I'll try to pursue my studies full-time eventually. It's just something that I wanna be able to have done after putting it off for a few years now. It just felt like something always comes up, but I'm not holding anyone responsible but me. These were my actions and nobody else's but anyway like they say, it's never too late unless you're dead. I got close to actually not showing up to work EVER depending on how Friday would go, and it went well so here I am. The job's been really great so far, casual Fridays, free meals once a week, a really laid back team, I'm loving it. It's such an irony that this whole time, I hated folks who carries a blackberry around , and now yours truly has become one of them.

Anyway, a little quote for today: It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy

See me pantless!!?

Thanks to Rey, I was reminded about Improv Everywhere. I thoght it was a neat idea, and I remember being hysterics about the Redheads that protested Wendy's. Well, well, there's actually a No Pants 2k8 for Washington DC and I think I might go after all. Per Rey "the flashmob event that happens annually where an organized group of people get on the subway, take off their pants" and keep a straight face for the whole ride. Details are here, I'm seriously thinking about doing it.

New beginning

It was this time last year that I started working at my current job. I think I might have mentioned recently that I put my resume up on various sites just to test the waters, and see what the reaction will be. It was pretty good I'd have to say since come next week, I'll be working at a different job. I just kept it hush-hush at the old job though, and it's mostly the people I was closest to that knew about it. Everything really happened too quick. The interviewing, the hiring process, and of course, starting the new job after the holidays. I definitely will miss the USM however. Not so much the work, but the helpdesk folks I worked with and some of the folks I've gotten to know the year that I was there. I find myself crying on some days, I guess just with the thought of not getting to be there anymore. Granted I brought this change upon myself, but still it's always bittersweet when change happens.

This is a group pic taken on our Christmas party (I got permission to keep their faces on this pic). It's us three at the bottom, N-, V- and I that really clicked so it made the workdays bearable at least. We'd laugh about the little things, about the customers, the questions that we get, and in some instances, in each other's expense. It was all for good fun though. I'll really miss them and I hope I'll get to see them every once in a while at least.

Another person I've become fond of is Ms Ver- that works at HR. I came by her office and told her just this past week, and she was shocked about it as well. She actually got teary hearing about it, which made me cry in the process. She's sorta become like a mother to me, I ended up crying at her office once when I wasn't able to hold some things in any longer. During that time, I really haven't blogged much since I was trying to keep positive on the things I write about, forgetting the fact that I use this blog as an outlet. Anyway, it was still a surprise since I didn't think I'd be that vulnerable to someone who barely knows me. But I think it did us both good since we were able to be more open about things. I even let her in to the fact that I'm gay and everything, and she said she could have cared less about it. Friday, she took me out to lunch which was a nice gesture. She's trying to get me to go back to the USM already, and I haven't even left! But will see how everything goes in the future.....

I used this lines (took some parts out) from The Office around this time last year and I'm glad it came true in a sense, and here's hoping that it'll happen again for the next one, and the one after....

"The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with it can mean a lot. But if I'm really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments."

Guess that's it for now. Just having a hard time sleeping so thought I'd write a bit. So much has happened, but that'll be all I'm writing for now. Have met a fellow blogger, D-Man, and his partner this month and it was great, I feel honored they spent just about every weekend they were here hanging out with me. It really means a lot just getting to hang out and talk to them, getting to know them more in the flesh, no less! Thought I'd just throw that out there, just in case I didn't get to tell them how much it meant.

I confess...

Confession
Okay Rob! I know it's waaaay overdue but sometimes I forget that I get tagged with memes. But here goes...

--
Taken a picture completely naked? Yeeeeeah! But it's been deleted years ago.
Made out with a friend on your MySpace/Facebook page? Nope.
Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yea, when I'm getting dressed sometimes after showering
Told a lie? Yes. Who hasn't really!? I know, it's not something to be proud of.....
Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yeah, when I just first started dating guys. There was this one guy who was in Tokyo and he never saw me again. It hoit, I got drunk and was the talk at work since it was unusual for me to do that
Been arrested? Yes
Made out with someone of the same sex? Pretty much all I've done
Seen someone die? Yes. He was a carpenter I was friends with when I was young. He got himself tangled in a live wire
Slept in until 5pm? I'm sure I did cuz I worked night shift for a while
Had sex at work? Naww.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yep.
Held a snake? Umm, no and doubt I will anytime soon
Ran a red light? I probably have and not realize it
Been suspended from school? No.
Totaled your car in an accident? No.
Pole danced? No, the occassion hasn't happened yet. I haven't even gone to a strip bar sooo...
Smoked? Nope, the family smoked so vowed I wouldn't
Danced? Of course. In private and IN PUBLIC. Yea, I give in to pressure *grins
Been fired from a job? No.
Sang karaoke? Yes, when I was in Japan and the Philippines last year.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Oh of course.
Laughed until a drink came out your nose? Actually, I threw up from laughing too hard in 6th grade
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? I don't think I have
Kissed in the rain? No
Sang in the shower? Of course
Given your private parts a nickname? Hmm, no. Just never gave it much thought
Ever gone out without underwear? Yes.
Sat on a roof top? Yes.
Played chicken? Play as in "choke"? So many times, it's prolly up in the thousands *teehee
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Broken a bone? Popped one? Yes. Bent one? Yes. Broke one? Yep, I fell off of a tree and landed on my right arm
Mooned/flashed someone? No and no.
Shaved your head? Many times.
Slept naked? Yes. When I was too tired after.....
Played a prank on someone? I would have to say yes. I've done unto others what others have done unto me
Had a gym membership? Yes. I have yet to use it consistently
Felt like killing someone? I'm sure I have
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes
Cried over someone you were in love with? I don't think so. I got drunk, but don't think I cried
Had sex more than 10 times in one day? No.
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Nope. Not sure what they are to be honest
Been in a band? No.
Subscribed to Maxim? Nope.
Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? I probably have. I blacked out eventually so I must have
Shot a gun? Yes
Had sex today? No
Played strip poker? I'd have to say no, I don't even know how to play poker
Tripped on mushrooms? No.
Donated Blood? No
Video taped yourself having sex? No. I just don't see this happening. This is a blackmailing material waiting to happen
Eaten alligator meat? No. Frog legs? No.
Ever jump out of an airplane? No.
Have you been to more than 10 countries? No.
Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend? Yes.
Five bloggers you're tagging that you don't know how much you like their blogs? I don't fully get this question but I'm tagging Cesar, JohnMichael, Jon, Arkano, and Steve

8 years today!

*breathes heavily. It's nice to finally just take a breather here at work. It's just been busy since this week started and I'm really close to just throwing in the towel. I put out my resume once again, and trying to see what's out there. It's kinda crazy that this time last year I sorta was in the same boat, getting ready to leave the military, and start my life as a civilian. There are times where I considered going back in but it's probably not gonna happen. I just miss the camarederie sometimes, and all the higher ups looking out for me (well mine certainly did). They really went out of their way to take care of any needs I had whether it be moving to an apartment off base so my mom can stay with me, or even offering to move me to a different position if I was unhappy with what I was doing. But that's about it, it just seems there's too much BS to deal with, and to be told what to do in pretty much most aspects of my life kinda got to me. Either way, I'm thankful for the experience.

Well, I turned 8 yesterday!! Okay, you're probably thinking like huh!? Well, let me splain. It was exactly 8 yrs ago that I made the move to the US, and started out a new life per say and it's been my our running joke (my dad and I) that we started to count my age after coming here. Sometimes I just sit in awe and gets boggled with how all those years have been. It's hard to believe sometimes when at one point, I really gave up on getting to come here. It wasn't even so much to live here, the main thing was getting to see my dad again since I was maybe 3 yrs old. I've written a lengthy history but really don't feel like linking and stuff.

Thanksgiving came and went but that day, things weren't exactly alright, not that I'm saying it is now, but it was a struggle a little to come up with things to be thankful for. It really shouldn't be forced but today, I've got that feeling and hence this post. These 8 years has been a learning experience for me, not that it ever stops. But things I've seen and done, people I've met and crossed paths with, all I hold dearly in my heart. Even just a simple act that they might not even realize, it could have been something simple as a smile, or a conversation, or a lift to the post office when I needed a ride, it all made a difference to me. Some of those people, I probably would never see again but regardless of that, they've touched my life and I'll never be the same again because of it.

I'll admit in my early years, there were times I considered just ending it all since life got to be too much. Of course in life, you can't always have all joy and happiness. Sometimes going through pain and suffering might be necessary since without them, how would we get to appreciate all the good things that happen to us. I'm glad I didn't and just held on to the idea that there's always tomorrow, and that everything will be fine. Though sometimes that tomorrow might take days, weeks, months or even years for some, but regardless things do work out. Easier said than done since I'll admit, sometimes it's hard to see past through what's happening and try to find the lesson in it. Either way, things happen and we just have to find whatever it might be that would get us through the day.

I don't think I would have traded this for anything else, and I'm glad I got to see this day. All I know is that at this point in my life, this is where I exactly needed to be. Asto why, maybe the answer might come, it might never but it's all part of the process. I'll know when it's time for me to know, and for now I'm alright with that.

I'm grateful to my family who's always been there for me, my parents of course, which I'll always love in my way and not what they think I should love them, to C- for being with me eventhough I can be quite difficult (well sometimes), and for all my friends, near and afar, including my blogger friends. My life is richer with you all in it, I can attest to that. To the ones I've met, aren't you lucky you met me? hahaha! To the ones I haven't met, it'll happen *grins . To these people, thank you for seeing the good in me when I can't see it myself.

All these coming from an 8-yr old...

Vote for me!

That's Caeden when he was just a few weeks old. He's about 3 1/2 months old now and you can see a more recent pic when you click on the picture on the left. The bf asked me to post this so whoever looks can vote for Caeden at the MyFox DC's Pet Page hehe. Thanks :D

Heels on the ground

Had it been not for JM, I would not have even bothered to watch Charlotte's Web. Granted I've watched kids movies: Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, etc and I really enjoyed, I've never bothered with Charlotte's Web. I'm glad I got to sit down and watch it since I surprisingly liked it. On Thursdays, I usually watch tv with My Name Is Earl, and other shows being on but I made the exception tonight. I'll admit I cried in some parts of the movie, since watching it made me think of all my friends. Eventhough some I haven't seen in years with them living in other parts of the world, it doesn't cause me to love them less, but instead treasure those moments I spent time with them. Same with bloggers, I've met quite a few and eventhough I spent only a day with some, it still makes me smile to have met them.

Wow, so it's been two weeks since I last post. It felt like that was only a week ago. Things have been good for the most part so can't really complain. Ok, maybe it was only one week now that I've looked at a calendar. We ended up not going to NY last weekend, and just stayed home mostly. For Sunday, we went to the National Gallery of Art to have a look since they have an ongoing exhibition of Edward Hopper's work. It was nice getting to see his paintings up close and personal. It just amazes me what some folks can produce with a brush and paint, or pen and paper. They had a film about his life as well, interesting to actually hear more about what he was like as a person. Nighthawks' actually my favorite painting of his, and I use it from time to time as my wallpaper.

Monday, I switched shifts with my coworker so I can drop Cs- off at the airport. He went to Orlando to see his family. After dropping him off, I had a few hours to kill before coming in to work. Cs- got a navigation system from his mom, and thought I'd let it guide me home. Cs- kinda played with it a little before I dropped him off so I "assumed" that he was setting to take me home. I did what it told me to do, though maybe 20 mins or so, I was starting to wonder since I was driving through streets I've never been to before. I was just thinking how nice it was to see more of the area. I was on the main highway, and started seeing signs to the airport and I thought how odd that was and upon looking at the nav system, it was giving me directions back to the airport!!! I just spent an hour driving back to where I started.

Tuesday, I went to Dupont Circle to watch the High Heel Race which is annual thing here in DC the Tuesday before Halloween. It was one of the funniest things I've seen. Drag queens racing a few blocks wearing high heels and pumps, and it was just great seeing all the people that came. Even the mayor stopped by, and I got to shake hands with him too. They got folks dressed up as Larry Craig, the "Leave Britney alone" guy on youtube, Princess Di, etc even the Spice Girls. Maybe next year....*grins Found a clip to give you an idea




Wednesday, I ended up calling in sick to work. I was actually walking to the train station already, and felt that I really didn't wanna come in. So instead of fighting it, I just went with it and called my boss to let her know I didn't feel too well, which is true to an extent. Ahh, the beauty of being a civilian. Odd thing was a little bit after going back in, this is what it said on my horoscope for the day:

"You might need to connect with Mother Earth, Kris. Lately, you've been feeling less than grounded. You might have
the sensation that your mind is drifting somewhere above your body. If your work is mostly of the mental variety,
and if you spend a lot of time on your computer, you might experience some feelings of disconnection from your body.
Correct this by going for a long walk in a park, or sit by the ocean or other body of water."

Granted I didn't go by an ocean or anything, it was nice to just stay home and do as I please. Cleaned up some, did the laundry, listened to some music and went running. Trying to get in shape like I once was a few years ago. I didn't realize that my body changed much but with a few folks saying something about it, yea maybe I did lose some weight. Time to go to the gym again. I'm crazy for not going since I really can't get out my contract with Bally's, so way to fix it is to just go. Not that I'm not okay with my body, but guess it could use some improvement. It wasn't 'til I was about 19 or so, when I finally realized that I wasn't bad looking at all. I confided this to a friend and she said how crazy I was for even thinking that I was ugly. Not that I think I'm a hunk, it's just that I've learned to love myself and smile at the guy I see at the mirror, and not to constantly think of what can be changed on the outside.

I guess now, just finally having faith and believing in myself is what it all comes down to. I'd like to think I'm still the same person, eventhough some people might think I changed. Is it not possible though, for one to change but yet remain the same? Maybe I did change, but I would not have done so if it wasn't necessary. Some of it was by choice, some was sorta forced due to circumstances that I got myself into. I just have to stay true for me, and try not to let other people's perceptions get in the way.

Who I am is not who I used to be. But who I am is all of who I used to be.

I'm gonna see the Goils in Concert....

I got tix to see the Spice Goils :D The show won't be 'til February though and the tour starts in December so gotta find me tickets to LA if possible.

I know, I know *shocks horrors* The Spice Girls of all people. They got me started though in paying more attention to music. Granted I listen to them, I don't listen much to boybands or Britney. But these girls though, ooo lala, I don't know what they do to me. But yea, I can do their songs and dance to a tee. The chances of those videos showing here!? Maybe never but then, never say never. Listening to them brings me back to when I didn't have a care in the world. I cringe a bit when I remember how I used to dance around in school, and around the family.to them, yeah how ___ but I was young. Oh wait, I can't say that since I still do to these days. Let's just say, these girls make me smile..

Things are finally settling. Been going on some trips: to NY, then to SC to attend a friend's wedding. I'll try not to promise to update but I really haven't sat down and have deep thoughts like I used to. Maybe that's a good thing.

I blued myself

Well it's Tuesday and just got back from lunch. Just ate at my desk today since I've been bringing food in to work, or try to at least. These past weeks have been good. The previous weekend, we actually had a spur of the moment trip and ended up going to Philadelphia which was about a 3-hr drive. We were gonna see The Bodies Exhibit like I mentioned but ended up just making the trip. It was nice up in Philly. We got to see the original House and the Senate building, and got to see the Liberty Bell as well. We just passed by it since halfway through, we had to evacuate the building since somebody thought the Fire alarm thing was the exit button. So yeah.. We walked around in the South Street which was really nice. It reminded me of Harajuku. The feel of the clothing stores, and them being actually open 'till 11 pm or so. Definitely unlike DC where everything shuts down around 9.

This weekend, we found ourselves in NYC. It was just me and Cs- though since I wasn't sure how my mom would feel about staying at a hostel so we didn't take her with us. Cs- and I just caught the bus that leaves from DC to NYC for $35 which I thought was a good deal. It saves us the hassle of driving which I am NOT doing in New York anytime soon, and we get to sleep during the ride if need be. We got there around noon or so. Not even 10 mins into getting there, I sorta got harassed.


While we were walking towards the Penn Station entrance, a woman that was a few steps behind patted my butt. Did I just feel someone on my ass? was what I thought, and I turned around and there she was grinning, her with her waist-long braided hair, headphones on with a grin on her face. She put my arms around me, and went walking with me and asked if I had some change. I said, No, I don't have any cash with me at the moment but she insisted. I was trying to feel around my pockets if I did, during which she's rubbed my face, and called me sexy with my shaved head, and pinching my nipples. Cs- was a few feet away and was just cracking up. I asked him if he did and he had some change at least. So he handed her some, but before walking away, she went for a final swoop and actually grabbed my crotch. I just giggled since it's kinda silly to be mad about it.


After that, went to the hostel and tried checking in but we can't check in 'til 3 pm and we got there around noon. Just put our stuff in storage, and stepped out since we're starving. We went to Carnegie Deli and had one of the best sandwiches ever, and I don't like sandwiches too much! Sat next to a mother and daughter we ended up talking with about different cities, restaurants etc. After that, just walked around as to where I don't know exactly. We stopped by H&M (I know they're everywhere but the one in NY's different). I finally found the perfect pea coat I've been looking for. Later that evening, we met up with our friend and had dinner at an Italian place. Just talked with him and got to hear more about when he lived in New York.

After the meal, we made our way out to Astor Place to watch the Blue Man show. It was an interactive show, and it was really fun when they pick someone in the audience and make them a part of the show. Once that was over, we met up with Rey down at Hell's Kitchen. Looking cuute Rey! It was great seeing him again after meeting him the first time over a year ago. He's the first blogger I ever met*smiles I had a good time with him, and Darryll and Rob. Hey Darryll!! They later on took us to The Eagle *grins I've actually enjoyed going to the one here in DC so it's cool to see where it actually started. Left around 3 to get some sleep since we've been up since 5 am.

Woke up. Had breakfast, and walked around Chinatown, SoHo, St Mark's Place and tried to see the Statue of Liberty but there were too many people in queue. Took Cs- to the Uniqlo which has changed a LOT since Jon took me there a last summer. It was awesome to be back again. Really don't have pics yet since we left the cam at our friend's car. Guess that'll be it for now. Enjoy the rest of the week!

Made a funny

They probably think I've been smoking some joint here at work since I've been a scatterbrain these past few days. Today, I tried calling a customer back. Instead of asking for the person I needed to talk to, I told the guy who picked up:
___ Helpdesk. This is Kris speaking. How can I help you?
I realized it after the fact and asked nonchalantly for the customer. My boss did a double take and came back to see if she did hear what she thought she did. She just laughed and told me to lay off the doobie.

It's not for me...

Ok, I don't even remember what I did Friday but Saturday, it was actually Gay Days over at King's Dominion. Cs- and I ended up going along with a friend of ours. Earlier the day, we went to iHop and just ate there since I didn't feel like making one really what has become a staple weekend breakfast: fried eggs (always sunny side up for me), sausage, pancakes and juice.
After breakfast, we stopped by Barnes and Noble while we were waiting for our friend so that we can go to Ikea. We had to go get a chair changed since one of it's parts wasn't the right one, and to return a little cabinet we were going to try to use as a nightstand.

After that, we just went back to the house and played Wii for a bit which by the way is amazing! It is real fun to play! Like I mentioned, it was Gay Days over at King's Dominion. We got there around 8 and stayed 'til 1 am. I tried a bunch of rides and I came to a realization that roller coasters and such aren't my thing. Of course, I gave it a chance but it's not for me. I got on the rides: Shockwave, Drop Zone (which I just found out today was the largest drop ride in the US), and Rebel Yell where we rode backwards the whole time. Most of these rides, I just kept my eyes shut. What did me in was the Tomb Raider: Firefall. After the ride, I had to rush out since I had to throw up. It had us dangling head first, and it just was spinning us upside down. We were gonna go ride the Volcano but the Tomb Raider was the last for me, possibly ever. I can say I've tried rides but it doesn't do anything for me, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Sunday, we mostly hang around the house and did some cleaning. I was supposed to go see my mom but ended up not going since I didn't wake up 'til 11. Of course, she wasn't too happy which she let known during our phone conversation which ended up lasting for an hour and a half. I get hurt with some of the things she says sometimes, but I'm trying to be understanding. She gets upset when I don't visit, but when I do, she ends up taking out her frustrations on me which can be rough. To make it up, I went and visited her for a few hours last Tuesday. We had a great time, walked around Target and took her shopping for some winter clothes. It was nice, we were laughing and everything walking around the store just like the old days. I try to always tell her that eventhough things aren't completely like they used to be, that doesn't mean I love her a little less. I might have said that it was less because some of the things she said really stung. Somehow me being gay comes up and every issue that they're having with me stems from the fact. But anyway, she even helped me pick out some things to put on the wall since ours is bare right now. But will see how it'll look though, since the decorations have gold frames and our furnitures are all black brown which by the way are a bitch to keep clean. Dusts just appear everyday!!!

Wednesday, just went home and made spaghetti with Ikea meatballs which is awesome. Well my cooking too *grins Just watched Kathy Griffin's dvd and that's about it. After that, and watching some My Name Is Earl, Cs- and I both passed out by 8:30. Woke up at 11:30, put the food on the fridge and ended up staying awake 'til about 2 or 3. Just reread a book about the Spice Girls. Yay, I'm excited. Oct 1's coming up, and I better get a ticket, I pray to God and the heavens above.

Thursday, Cs- and I got to see Resident Evil Extinction. I got tickets for a free screening. For those of you who live in major cities, lookie here to see if they have your city listed. It was a good movie, I thought. There was a scene where it's not supposed to be funny but people started laughing. I giggled which I tend to do when folks around me laugh. It was entertaining. I was starving since we didn't get to eat beforehand so just went to McDonald's. Got my order wrong, but am not one to make a fuss and we were home already anyways so just ate it. Had a hot fudge sundae. Heaven! And tried watching My Name Is Earl but ended up laying in bed and passing out in no time.

Today, 34 more mins before I go. Not sure what we're doing yet. Maybe go see the Bodies Exhibit tomorrow. I can just stay home and I'll be alright but the others won't (T_T) I never got to write about it but we went to Baltimore and loved it. The atmosphere was just so nice. We walked around the Harborplace and checked out some stores, ate at The Cheesecake Factory (my first time) and watched a live concert. The concert was lovely, people of all ages were just singing and dancing along. The kids were just so cute dancing, some even doing Beyonce moves. The vibe was just great. Definitely a night I'll never forget.

It's the craaabshack

The bf's actually out of town since he's attending a training for his new job. He's only in Rockville though which is 30 minutes away. The company paid for their lodging since it's a training for new employees from different regions. Dropped him off Sunday night, and managed to get lost on my way home. I ended up going through Georgetown and Dupont Circle before finally getting home. Didn't fall asleep 'til about 1 am, just thinking about things. How I've fucked up mostly in the almost three months we've been together. I say some things sometimes without first thinking it through, hurting him in the process. Not usually directed to him but things I say to other people when I get flirty.

Our weekend was good for the most part. We just lounged around the house 'til about 4 Saturday and stepped out to go to Outback since he's never been before. It was nice, we were there for a good two - three hours just sitting and talking. Touching up on when we met for the first time, things we've gone through in the past few months that sometimes it feels we've been together for a lifetime. I got close to giving up actually, twice and I guess I do get scared in a way and rather than going through the hard stuff, I tried to leave and just not deal with whatever was going on. It just seems like it was too early for us to have gone through the things we did. I'll admit I do have issues I'm dealing with, and I sense there's a change where I'm not quite who I used to be in a way. Maybe one day I can put it into words what I'm trying to say.

Sunday, we went to the Outdoor festival at Adams Morgan which was really fun. Street vendors, music playing, dancing and some art sellers. It was nice, I even ran into a friend unexpectedly which was funny. I texted her saying I'm at the festival as well. It was a few blocks at least, and I sorta didn't think I'd run into her and yet when we were going towards the end of the street, who would I see walking right past me!!? We spoke for a bit, and I introduced Cs- to her and her bf and vice versa. I didn't say bf though. We've never talked about it so it's never come up that I'm gay but she might be able to put two and two together. If she asks, I'd tell her but otherwise there just haven't been a reason to tell her. I've only seen her a few times since December and yet we've kept in contact at least.

Like I mentioned, the Cs- is in Rockville and I ended up making my way there to bring him some tee-shirts since he had business clothes but not regular ones to just relax in. At first, I was a bit upset since I sorta had the mindset that I wasn't going to be doing ANYTHING, not one thing. I could have seen my mom but I didn't since I needed some alone time. While at the house, was listening to Annie Lennox and seeing her perform No More I Love You's, got me crying a bit. Some songs just do that to me. So I took a shower and made my way to Rockville. During the drive though, listened to more upbeat songs so that changed my mood. That, and texting back and forth to my friend Jim who's in Florida. He makes me laugh.

I got to Gaithersburg where they went for dinner, and met up with Cs- at Joe's Crabshack. At first, I was just gonna drop his things off and drive right back but he said how I should stop by and have a drink or something at least. I ended up saying yes since it really couldn't hurt if I do. I was a bit nervous since he had a guy and a girl from training with him, Dg- and Cml-. After a while though, I eased up and got into the conversations. The first thing they told me upon sitting down at the table was that they were talking about me, and in my head I just went "Oh shit." Somehow when I hear that, I automatically assume bad things were said about me which actually isn't the case. We sat there and just talked about random things. Cs- is good in steering the convo, and I guess when I ease up, I do okay. It was fun, we talked abou relationships, work, commercials, and the wonders of iPhone which by the way is amazing. I might give in eventually but right now, I'm alright with the phone I got. I was saying how us four should get together again even when they start their jobs which will be nice. Cs- later told me they thought I was a cool guy so glad about that. He told them that I told him they were fun and that we should hang out. Yay :)

After eating, we just went back to the hotel and talked while sorta watching Food Network. I stayed 'til about 9:30 pm since I wanted to go get some rest. Bid goodnight, and ended up sitting in the car with Cs- and just talked for a bit. Drove home, that if after managing to get lost and freaking out a bit since the gas was close to running empty. I made it home though whew and really didn't get to clean like I was kinda hoping to do. It was a good day over all and am glad how it ended on a good note.

Oh, I also got some prints of pictures when we stayed overnight by a bay in California back in 2003 when I just joined the Air Force. I took a week off to try to get my license but of course, I didn't :P It was my first time getting to have roasted marshmallows. The pictures just make me smile, and with some it made me say Wow, I really look like my dad since I really don't think we do, despite of being told otherwise by just about every people we've met.

Well, I went over my lunchtime by half an hour hehe. Toodles and have a good Tuesday!