Frog Prince he isn't...

I think I might start dedicating a 'song' to a fellow blogger. This is an old song by Keane named The Frog Prince and I've been listening to it daily on my way and back from work. It made me think of Steven since the first post of his I read was one where he felt like the prince, after Robert asked me if I knew of his blog. Steven has come a long way I can tell and I'm glad about that :)



An old fairytale told me
The simple heart will be prized again
A toad will be our king
And ugly ogres our heroes

Then you'll shake
Your fist at the sky
"Oh why did I rely
On fashions and small fry?"

All promises broken
Feed your people or lose your throne
And forfeit your whole kingdom
I'd sooner lose it than still live in it alone

You were our golden child
But the gentle and the mild
Inherit the earth, while

Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
Cos now we all know

Soon, someone will put a spell on you
Perfume, treasure, sorcery, every trick they know
You will lie in a deep sleep
That's when

Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
Cos now we all know

Mamma Mia

It was a lazy day yesterday and we just ended up staying home and taking it slow. There were talks about going to Rehoboth Beach but with it being 3 hours away, we opted out of going. As I've previously mentioned, my mom is all moved in at our place. We helped her move the previous Friday and spent most of Saturday tidying up the apartment. We're still trying to sell some things on Craigslist and have a few to go.

It's actually been good overall. There's gonnabe some adjustments to be made but I think we'll be just fine. Still need to get my mom to shut up when watching a movie haha. She would just keep on and on and on, comments about the movie, or how it reminded her about this or that. It's funny since we're the complete opposites that she can talk forever while I'm the quiet one. I wonder if it's because she talked a lot. My uncle asks her sometimes how she managed to raise me since she's crazy (in a good way) and I turned out completely not like her. She's great though, she's almost 50 and doesn't act like one which is a good thing. Just little things that might need some work, this victim mentality where she's still blaming my dad over EVERYthing. It's funny how she'll find a way to sneak that in every convo but oh well, hopefully in time. I've had to always remind her that her life is nobody else's responsibility but hers, and she ended up where she is because of her choices. Isn't it the same for everyone!? It's all up to us to try to rise up of the 'bad' situations and do what you can to be in a better place if something isn't working out for you.

Aside from that, C- and I got to see Mamma Mia recently and it was a good movie, I'd have to say. We got free tickets for a 'screening' of the sing-along version and it was just fun! You've got folks singing along and towards the end, some got up and started dancing. It made me smile and glad I was there to witness it. One of their song reminded me when I was trying to get this one guy to meet up with me 'Take a chance on meeeeee.' Isn't he glad he did!? kidding!!! Crazy how a song can take you back places.

So that's about it. We're gonna scratch the idea of going to San Francisco later on this month since it'll add up a LOT. But pretty much, we were gonna go so we can meet up with my Uncle who's flying in from Norway for a conference. We initally thought we were staying with him since his company will provide a hotel but he only was able to find a single room. With the three of us, C-, Mama and I coming, that's not really gonna work. C- and I might just rent a car and drive up to Toronto. Never been so actually excited if we do go, need to make decisions though since it's in 2 weeks. Anyone been/live there? Any suggestions of places to see, things to do!?

Tongue out

Our dog does this a lot these days... It makes me smile/laugh for some reason

The tennis court by my old apartment

The tennis court by my old apartment, originally uploaded by d_edrick.

Kris

You become responsible FOREVERrrrrr

To go along with my last post, an excerpt from my favorite book....

"Goodbye," said the fox.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose — " said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

The Little Prince*
by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

*Yay, for this being a public domain, you get to read it for free. I don't have one at this time since I gave it all away

This is why the blog title applies....

Well, an old friend of mine Guy Maki e-mailed me this early on in our friendship. I still wonder about him sometimes as to how he's doing. It's been a looong time since we've spoken, I've called the number I have of his and has left a voicemail numerous times but no avail. Last I spoke to him was Christmas 2005 when I moved back to the U.S.

01/13/04
Hey you!

...in answer to your question "why am I like you?"...well...

ummmm???...like the little phrases you put in your emails sometimes...the choices represents the sensitive and caring part of you. HEY...that's a good thing!!!---of course YOU DO KNOW that gay guys seem to have the "sensitive thing" go'in on!

...when we talk about family, friends, experiences, and such. You've even cried.....BUT.....I hold the WORLD RECORD FOR THAT BUDDY--(for a guy that is). That proves you have a good kind heart.

....and you like to joke around, have fun, and make the other person feel better before yourself. You are very unselfish.

...uMMMM? YOU CAN BE A LITTLE ASS SOMETIMES TOO! hehe (didn't mean to type that in big letters... I just didn't want to go back and re-type it)...haha

...you treat your friends like family

...and you understand that just mak'in someone smile or laugh can turn their "ho-hum" day right around!

SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE That's GOOD STUFF BOY!

Thanks for being a great friend. ALot of people could take lessons from you.

Guy

We became friends through Yahoo Messenger, funny how I've met his ex but has never seen Guy in person. Maybe this will come up if someone googles him. We used to talk through webcams and all. Though the first time he ended up viewing mine, I was being 'naughty.' Yea, yea I had my moments but it was more tongue-in-cheek. But really though, I preferred chatting face to face since what's the point of chatting with someone if all you see is their penis.

Last time I spoke to him, it was just right after Katrina hit. He survived it though and since then nada, and it's been 3 years. I was going through old e-mails and it made me smile. I miss my friend. They used to be my fashion adviser when I went on dates, and they consoled me when I got my heart broken when I'm just starting to learn how the dating world worked.

There's a saying Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I do smile when I think about some friends I've lost but yet, wish it didn't have to end. But damn it Guy, where the hell are you!?

Would it be stalkerish if I show up in Lousiana one day in front of his door to check up on him? I've e-mailed his sister once to check on him and she did reply back haha. Be honest whoever reads this. Would it spook you out if a guy you've only talked online showed up on your doorstep?

I guess it's more of a closure. Either that, or I'm trying to hold onto things that I know I should let go. Granted we were only 'online buddies' but still, when I become friends with someone, I'll keep them for life. This goes out to bloggers I've met and haven't. I might not always text or call, I'll admit I'm worried you might think I'm overdoing it, (so der, it all boils down to fear), but I do wonder how you are when I happen to be driving, or just sitting at work 'thinking.'

So to friends I have met and have yet to meet, if you do decide to stop blogging, please keep in mind to at least leave us a farewell post or something. I know you're free to do whatever you choose since it's your blog. But it sucks to be left hanging in the air not knowing whatever happens to somebody. It might sound silly, but it does matter to some. That's all I ask of you but still, thanks for the time we've shared.

Leave me alone I'm lonely

I've never heard of the Enneagram of Personality until this morning, thanks to English. All this personality tests are essentially the same but it still fascinates me nonetheless. It's funny how I like reading on these things when I already know what some of the 'things' I have to deal with. I'm a Four and here's what it said about my type.

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a FOUR

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
• having aesthetic sensibilities
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a FOUR

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
• expecting too much from myself and life
• fearing being abandoned
• obsessing over resentments
• longing for what I don't have

FOURs as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
• are very sensitive
• feel that they don't fit in
• believe they are missing something that other people have
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

FOURs as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
• support their children's creativity and originality
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Hair all gone

Hair all gone, originally uploaded by d_edrick.

This will probably be my hairstyle the rest of my life. I miss my curls
sometimes *sniff sniff

Another year

This was a post I wrote a day after my birthday but took it down due to circumstances.

Suddenly Monday appears again.. I'm back in our DC office today since my coworker is sick and they needed somebody to cover her spot so here I am. I've been up since 4 since I had to drop Carlos off at the airport so he can catch his flight to Chicago to surprise his parents who are visiting from Puerto Rico.

Well I gave in and got an iphone baabaaa! It was my birthday yesterday so it was a present. I got a white one but sorta wished I would have gotten a black one. My fault since I initially got a black and opted to switch instead. It's taking a little getting used to but looks like I'm loving it so far, aside from adding my contacts in manually. It's nice that I can put videos and whatnot, so Jerri Blank is already in it along with some music videos. Can you tell I love that show?

Saturday was quiet for the most part since I sat around the house doing nothing, grab a book, read a blog, listen to music which is nice. Then that evening, we had dinner and then catched Kung Fu Panda. He hasn't seen it so we went though I think 10 minutes into the movie, I passed out considering we went to the 11:45 pm showing. I've watched it few weeks back but I was so sleepy I even got woken up by my own snore haha.

Sunday, Carlos had to work so ended up spending it with my mom who didn't call in but didn't show at her job. It felt 'new' spending my birthday with her since it's been such a long time. It rained as usual, and we talked about how it always did on my birthday. We remembered how when I was young, she would carry me on her back since she didn't want me to get my shoes wet. We had this yearly thing of going to this one church first thing in the morning then just going to the mall afterwards. It's amazing what the brain remembers, you just have to love/hate it. I remember those times like it was just yesterday, the simple life.

This birthday was definitely better than last year's when there wasn't peace on the quiet front. We had yakiniku (Korean BBQ) at this restaurant Woo Lae Oak. If you ever find yourself in the area and craved some BBQ, this is the place to go. I haven't been to many here in Northern Virginia but this place was gooood. It was us three that had dinner, and it was fun.

There were some crying a bit with my mom saying how it seemed like it was only yesterday that I was born, yada yada. Carlos instigated it saying things that made me teary, how he's glad we're together, and managed to get through everything that we went through (We went through some rough times that I felt best not to write about since there's always gonnabe different sides to the story) then when my mom saw it, she followed suit. I think I get it from her, I'd cry over the little things. When she started crying, I just found it real funny so started laughing and that ended it.

Ya know, I'm thankful for the most part to have made it this far. It might sound weird but I never really looked forward to the day that I hit a certain age. I get there and it's like Wow, I'm this age now. Where did all those years go by? I've said it before but I'm still in awe as to the things I've done, places I've seen, people I've met. Never did I think I would be where I am right now.

Anywho, I've written more than I intended. Will post the pic later to remind myself that this time in '08, I'm with the two people that loves me and that alone is enough.

I'm learning to dance again

It's one thing to read about things, but to actually go through it is something else. I like reading self-help books and I have this one book which got chewed on by the dogs. Of course, I'll have to get a new one. One that I have is Until Today and it has some passages that strike a chord in me and thought I'd share.

We have all done something that has caused someone pain or discomfort. Often, we are aware of the consequences of our actions. Then there are those times when we don't have a clue about what we've done until someone brings it to our attention. When they do, we feel bad. We believe that we must forever be indebted to the people who have been the victims of our thoughtlessness, negligence, or abuse.
You cannot see people as victims of something you have done. If you do, they will allow you to continue to feel bad. You cannot see people as victims of who you were or of who you are. If you do, you are declaring yourself to be more powerful than you have a right to be in anyone's life. Seeing someone as your victim says that you are somehow responsible for what people believe and do. Thinking this way or feeling this way is going to cause you a tremendous amount of grief unnecessarily!
Regardless of the impact your actions have on anyone, they are not your victim! Think of it this way: we are all dancers in the ballroom of life. Some of us are accomplished dancers. Some of us can't find the beat. When you ask someone to dance, they, not you, choose whether or not they will dance with you. If you step on their toes, ask for forgiveness. Don't buy them a new pair of shoes! If the experience leaves them with the impression that life is not worth dancing, ask for forgiveness. Do not spend the rest of your life trying to force them to dance again. You have no victims! Ask for forgiveness. Make amends if you can. Then, waltz away.
Until today, you have may have believed that you would be forever indebted to others. Just for today, acknowledge those times that you have been thoughtless, negligent or abusive to others. Forgive yourself. Ask for forgiveness and then continue to dance.

Until Today by
Iyanla Vanzant

It's not as easy...

Counting down the days and my mom's gonnabe moving in at our apartment. We're renting a 2-BR, and rather than renting it out to a stranger, my mom will be our housemate. I initially was against it after what went on last summer but I think she's in a completely different place now. She's adjusted living here in the States, and has fully accepted C-. Not that she had any problems with me being gay, it was more of fear that I won't love her as much like I used to which is silly. As much as I'd like to think I don't, my actions says otherwise as one blogger friend puts it.

The apartment is nearing completion, will have to post some pictures up. We got a mirror to go above the couch but not sure how we'll keep it in place so it might be a bit heavy. The living room turned out nice I'd have to say. C- has this head of a buddha that seriously freaks me out after having read Queen of the Damned. Good thing it's not visible when you're watching TV so it'll be alright.

Things are slowly going back to the way it used to be. Something happened that I felt didn't need to be written about here but let's just say my capacity to forgive isn't as easy as I'd hoped. I'll admit I have a hard time forgiving others, let alone myself and what transpired really bothered me. Granted I'm partly responsible for what happened, but still. I'm trying to put it all behind but then, fear would rear its head in and makes me second guess my decision. Either you trust or you don't. And as much I'd like to think I do, having doubts says otherwise. It'll take work but I want to be the Kris I used to be, and trusted completely.

Anyway, we were supposed to see Adele tonight but her show got cancelled. Funny how this ticket outlets work. Paid $53 with the "convenience fees" and such, yet you only get the face value back. But then like I'd stop seeing live shows haha.

Oh, over the weekend, we went with our neighbor to a scavenger hunt but ended up getting sidetracked while in Georgetown. If you find yourself in the area, make sure you stop by Georgetown Cupcake. GD, granted the cupcake's $2.75 each, they are HEAVENLY. You can't not smile after having a Chocolate C2 if you love chocolate.

Well, got tasked to pick up a system so gotta run now. Bye!

Ce Jue!?

I have NO clue what she's singing about but I think I'm gonna go see her live...yes?

Can you imagine!!?

If I would have graduated in 1954...



















and in 1960...



















and 1970 :D

Six Feet Under

To anyone who loves this show or want to own it, Best Buy is selling each season for $19.99. Granted it would be nice to buy the whole series in one box, I checked even at Amazon and it runs around $212 for the gift set, then factor in shipping and handling. Your local Best Buy might have it too so you can make a stop there.

I haven't watched the whole series but loved the ones I've seen so far. There's 3500 minutes of my life :D The show makes me think though, and makes me appreciate being alive more. Though of course, time I could be spending 'living' I'm gonnabe 'watching.' Such an irony haha.

Is it true what they say....

Okay, our neighbor said that a pet sooner or later takes after its owner. She said I look like ours. I've gotten this a few times when I happen to be out and about. Do you think that's true!? The dog's cute so I guess that works haha.

Back to woik

It's Monday and I'm back at our DC office once again. My coworker's in training so I'm subbing for her. I don't mind since it's nice to get away from th e main office and work here where it's a lot more laid back and I kinda do my own thing.

C- was actually gone last week since he went to Chicago to visit his family. Birthday was good, I got an iPhone and we went to a Korean BBQ for dinner. I had a previous post about it but felt it was too emotional so took it down. My mom had me pick a Kenneth Cole shoes, and I went with this style, was told it looks like my shoes got rained on haha but it's too late to return it now.

Thursday, I stopped by my mom's work so I can pick her up and take her to the next one. It was fun, we had a good laugh. We stopped by Rita's Ice and got some custards, yum. We got to talking about relationships and I got custard all over my face because of what she said. It was about our neighbors in the Philippines, and how the mom while crying said "Can you fulfill the need in me?" to her kids about her staying with their dad. It was just funny in Tagalog.. One of those things you had to be there, damnit!

Sunday, we ended up having dinner with this couple that live in our complex, and the girl's sister. They invited me few nights ago for dinner since they knew that C- was gone, and she said she know that it gets lonely when your bf's away. It was nice, we had shishkabob's, and some drinks. Then we let the dogs play for a while. Caeden and their dog look almost identical so he's like Caeden's big brother. We had a talk for a while too, touching on different things. Relationships, work, food, Don't ask, don't tell in the military which is partly why I got out when my time was up.

That's about it really. I interviewed for a job two weeks ago but didn't hear back so guess that's a no go. Ah well, if it wasn't meant to be, it's not gonna happen. That's about it really, some other things happened but best to not talk about it here :)

Makes me wanna get a cat

more cat pictures

24 years and 6 months ago...

that this picture was taken. If you click the pic, it'll take you to my flickr page which has pics from the time I was a baby up until now, when I turn 25.

Because you hungry, you hungry!!

It looks like these commercials came out a year ago but I just saw it today. Go meat!!

It's all in the lighting...

Where the computer desk goes MAKES a difference as to how you look on cam. I'm not liking where it is right now since it's far from the sunlight. Look at the previous ones, and this, singing along to 'I Think I Need A New Heart' by The Magnetic Fields.

The Magnetic Fields

Yay, I got tickets to The Magnetic Fields concert!! I waited too long when it went on sale Tuesday, and now got terrace seats but oh well, I'll still get to see them :D Some of you might know, perhaps even have seen them live, but they're known for their 69 Love Songs. That CD made me want to learn to play the guitar, granted I bought one, I have yet to learn to play. I think I might have to find a teacher rather than trying to learn it from a DVD.

It was actually one of their songs that the name of this blog came from. I really didn't think I was gonna keep that name, but yet three years later, it's still around.

Time stands still
All I can feel is the time standing still

as you put down the keys and say don't call me please
while the radio plays

"I Think I Need a New Heart" ohhh
"I Think I Need a New Heart" ohhh

You've lied too but it's a sin that I
can't tell the truth
cause it all comes out wrong unless I put it in a song
so the radio plays "I Think I Need a New Heart"
just for you "I Think I Need a New Heart"

cause I always say I love you when I mean turn out the light
and I say let's run away when I just mean stay the night
but the words you want to hear you will never hear from me

I'll never say "happy anniversary"
never stay to say "happy anniversary"

so I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
Give me time

Weekend update

Well, I'm here in the DC office this week since my coworker's on vacation. One day down, and I actually like it so far. It just feels more laid back since I'm the only IT person here the issues that has come up haven't been that difficult.

So the weekend... Friday night, we ended up having my mom and her friend over for dinner. They brought some Peruvian meal which was good. We just sat on the floor since we're not using the dining table and watched Takeshi's Castle which I've enjoyed watching since I was a kid. One of the things that made me want to live in Japan. I mean where else can you see this type a game show these days. Never fails to crack me up...



Saturday, we made our rounds to some stores trying to pick out some things for the apartment. The bedroom's been painted, bathroom's done with matching shower curtains, rugs, etc. The only thing left is the living room. Spend most of the day doing that really, then in the evening met up with this one couple we've e-mailed with in the past few weeks for dinner at Thai Chili. It was nice, spent it mostly talking and laughing, getting to know each other. Us four balanced each other out it looks like, you've got 2 introverts and 2 extroverts. We touched up on different topics, relationships, psychology, coming out, etc so it was interesting. We've talked about getting together again so hopefully that happens soon since at times, when I meet people online, we make plans that never materialiaze so that sucks but ah well. After that, we just went home and started watching Be Kind Rewind. It was alright, didn't like it much so I went to bed 20 minutes in.

Sunday, did the same really. Went to some stores yet again to get things for the apartment which is turning out good, I'd have to say. We finished painting one wall of the living room and put up the 'entertainment area' as well. What you see in the picture is actually the blue we painted it with, then will finish the other ones with brown as shown. Just debating with the couch now. We initially were gonna get Kramfors but considering Karlstad. They don't have it in khaki or tan so will probably go with the blue one, same as the wall color. Either that, or maybe the light blue-gray Kramforms. Thinking about getting a wireless surround sound since C- thinks the wires would be bothersome. Anyone who has wireless ones? How's that experience?

Guess that's it for now, heading home shortly. Take care!

Flashback

My friend e-mailed this to me last week. It took a second before it registered that it was me on the pic early '06, after moving to VA two months prior.

All moved

Well, I'm back at work today after taking yesterday off. We got everything moved so glad about that, it'll be a matter of unpacking now and trying to find a place for things. We bought paints for the rooms yesterday and I just found out, after calling C-, that he has started painting already. Funny how we went right at it, sometimes I had to tell him to take it slow since we'll have a year to get it together. I know the sooner the better, but still...

That's the main thing really. Will post some pics up when I take some.. Aside from that, I'm doing early shift once again. I'm working 6:30 - 3 from now on so will need to adjust my sleeping schedule a bit, not that I ever had any :D So hmm, not sure if I'll put the job search on hold. Some folks called and wants to set up an interview so will see. I hate those things but there's no getting around it.

Oh, the prez signed the new GI Bill so yayyy, glad when I read that. It'll help a lot since right now, if you're using it, schools won't really give you any additional aid so it's like what the french toast!? It's kinda the same if I had not joined then..

Will have to go by the DMV since I can't find my license. I've looked everywhere I can think of and nothing, hopefully it's not too busy. So that's it in a nutshell, some other happened that I really won't elaborate on but I wasn't a nice guy for a brief time over the weekend, and then, became Woe-is-me for something that was said. Crazy how few words or actions can trigger things...

We also watched Wall-E, and it was great! Pixar sure makes some good movies. Check it out if you can! That's it, running to a meeting now.

Got a place

*Ugh, the power went out here at work, thank god I didn't lose my post*

Whew, the week's almost over and it's a good thing we have a place to move to. The lease to where we live now ends this Sunday so need to make sure that everything's moved out by then. This past few days, I've actually left for work 3-4 hrs early so I can stop by some properties to take a look at what they have for rent. Some I did like but the prices just seemed to be a bit too much. Granted it'll be nice but I don't think I'm gonna sleep any better paying for a more expensive place. Oh yeah, the place we were moving to was the one I mentioned in the previous post. We initially didn't like the floor plan but with the apartment not coming through, we went with this. We might have to just get rid of the dining table and get bar stools instead but will see. Ikea here we gooo!

Our main concern is the space really. At the moment, we're living in a studio...C-, the dog (Caeden) and I. This past year has really been an adjustment period for us. It took me longer to sorta let go of how I like things to be. I didn't realize how set I was in doing things a certain way which it looks like can be difficult for others. Anywho, we're getting a 2-BR this time so excited about that. It's not definite yet as to what we'll do with the 2nd room. Keep it as a guest room (if we can afford to), or rent it out to a stranger, or even to my mom (Carlos' idea) so that we can have more home-cooked meals. We can have a trial period I suppose and depending how that goes, she can either stay or go. He's open to it though I'm the one really giving it some thought. I guess with there being separate bedrooms, I can go to the room and lock it if they're a bit too much hahaha. They get along really great now so am glad about that. He likes taking her out and having her get a make over. Did I mention she got her haircut pretty much above her shoulders!? The shortest she's ever cut it in a lifetime, her being 48 and all.

I was a bit stressed out with this job. There's been an audit going on, and I got interviewed twice for what seemed like an eternity. I really didn't have answers to some of their questions, usually except that 'this is what I was shown how things are done when I started here' which is true in a sense. Granted I'm partly at fault for not finding things that I can improve on but bleh. I'm administering a program I've never heard of until working here. D-man knows of my saga of almost quitting two weeks after I started. Anywho, the contracting world is crrrazy. I'm dealing with it first hand as far as outside companies bidding on it and all that good stuff.

Pretty much in a nutshell, I'm with XY company, working for XX. XX put the slots up for bidding, so now, YZ, ZZ and all other companies are bidding on the contract. So other companies could win, but instead of working for XY, I'll work for the winning company if they take me on board, but still work for XX. I haaate it. I've applied to some government and county jobs, and the wait for that lol. It'll probably be next year before I hear back heehee. I can always fall back to being a Spice Girl *grins

Maybe I'll put an ad just to test if folks would hire me as a PA. Hmmm, I'm organized, I'll get your shizz in order, and would it help I'm size 11? It's big so I can kick your ass to keep you in line. Big feet makes a difference. Or I can be a stripper. Don't laugh, my mom knows I've wanted to be one since I was young. Ah dreams, must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want... Sure beats doing it! LOL, things I learn from Strangers with Candy.

Like a wise saying from "Doctor" Iris Puffybush..."Dreams are a great thing, but y'know something, they take a lot of energy. But that's OK. There's a job waiting for you down the block from your house that doesn't require a thought in your head or a hope in your heart. So come on down and work for the artificial flower factory. Why fight it? Okay? Thank you." If I can find that job, I'd be set!!!

That's about it really. I have yet to take exams and stuff for my distance learning classes. I'm seriously considering dropping them since I can't learn like that, I learn in a classroom environment better. I like the interaction with the teacher better, and hearing stories about things they've seen and done.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?

I discovered this band through my friend, and I sure do love some of their songs. A vid I made when I'm bored, pardon the "mic" haha :) Though make sure to read the lyrics, it actually has a good message...



Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

Almost midnight

Wow, I mixed pineapple and bourbon and I'm feeling it now. I wanted to get a buzz since I only drink here and there and miss the warmth it gives my body. Things have been alright for the most part....

It's not definite whether our contract at work will get renewed or what, so I put out my resume to get a feel of the responses. People have called so guess that's a relief. I have yet to call any back but wrote all their information down already. I applied to some county and government jobs though I know those will take a while. Keeping my hopes up since those are more stable than contract positions. With the current job, I didn't know the contract was up for rebidding this Sept, if I had known, I'm not sure if I would have taken it in the first place but I guess you live and learn.

It was actually Pride the previous weekend but really didn't go to any events. We went out Friday night but I didn't feel too well the next day so stayed home mostly. I looked at some apartments in the morning, but had to stop midday since I felt sick. Might have been due to not drinking enough water. Sunday, C- and I looked at some places and put in an application to two places. Approved on one but still waiting on the other one that we initially wanted. The second one just had an odd floor plan. Right when you walk in, that's where the 'dining room' would be so would be blocking your path to the living room soo hmm, but will see. Here's its floor plan

It was Father's day that day too and after not having heard from my dad since that day in April I told him I was gay, I sent a text message wishing him a Happy Father's Day. His response: "TKS MAN...GIVE ME A MOMENT...UR NEWS TOOK ME FOR A LOOP" After that, I just didn't respond back and will just leave things and give him some space. He knows how to reach me. That's about it really.

Aside from that, still working on making some friends here in the area. I dunno but it just seems like it's a lot harder when you're older. Granted I have a bf, it's still different to have friends to shoot the shit the breeze with and talk things with, ya know!? It's like sometimes you can't help not to think if there's something wrong with you? People say you're funny, sweet yada yada but at the same time, great that doesn't do me any good since no one sticks around to be my friend. Pardon my venting but I just miss having a core set of friends like I did when I was younger. It just gets frustrating on some days that you can't help not to wonder. All the friends I made in the military are spread out in different states so that can only do so much. I need some in the flesh, someone I can just call up and say 'Meet me here.' Anywho, I know it's not doing me any good just writing about it. I've posted on craigslist, did volunteer but nothing but I'm gonna keep trying. In life, there should be balance and it just feels like I'm lacking in the friendship department.. Ugh, I hate when I get contemplative. I think about things too much.

Granted I'm grateful for what I have now, but there's always room for improvement. Goodnight and goodbye.

Not sure about going black and blue...

OK, not really so much a post but have you guys/gal heard of Adele? She has a song out called Chasing Pavements and you can see the video here. We saw her live this Tuesday and she was great, just wow!! She sounded just like she did on her album.. Her US tour's almost over though so I know it's kinda late but never to grab her CD.

Her songs are simple but lovely. There's a lot of sadness in them, though some made me go 'Oh shit!' since I haven't been the greatest to the bf and it just seemed that she's singing about things I've done :( She covered a Bob Dylan song 'Make you feel love' and it brought tears to my eyes. I've never heard the song prior to her singing it but now, it's one of my favorites. A vid of her performance and the words to the song..



When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free you ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Stay down

Few months ago during a rough period, C- had me listen to this song and I cried since it really hit a spot. Freaky when songs do that to you. Some bloggers know some of the crazy things that has happened, that I didn't really talk about here since writing about it would not have made sense...

Anyway, it's one year today that C- and I met. Who would have thunk we would be together after that casual meeting this time last year. At the same time, I'm thankful. There was, dare I to say magic, that day that we met, and sadly I forget that sometimes when I get caught up with the little things. I'm not the easiest person to deal with to be honest. But still, he stuck with me. Happy Anniv kiddo!

Did ya know(x7) (that I love you)
Did ya know(x7) (and I want you.)

I'll admit things aint been the way I thought they would be.
Didn't expect so much stress to develop between me and you.
I knew that it wasn't easy but sometimes when we fight it don't seem like God's design ,
but then I hear words you said and I promise I would stand for you and be true throughout the bad and the good.

And I know what it means to be committed.
So here's a word for you , but you just sing with it..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always be the pride of my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Yeah we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

I ain't gonna lie , at times you amaze me.
You be talking and I swear that you're crazy but,
I learned a long time ago that pride don't help , it only hurts.
And I just want you to know ,
I need ya baby (I need you)
I'm just like Weezy baby , not Weezy like the rapper baby but the wife of George , and we're moving on up.

10 years strong and we're looking like a plan.
Im looking like your woman and you're looking like my man.
We looking like real and the haters look fake ,
especially when they hear me say..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always have a place in my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Ya know we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

(Understand you are the one in my heart) And I'm holding on so we can't live apart.
(When things stop making sense we'll figure it out) I walked into this and I don't wanna walk out no , no.

Everything ain't gonna be how we like and what is worth keeping if it didn't take a fight?
Your healing is in me (me)
Amd my healing is in you (you)
So get your mind right , 'cause here's what we gonna do..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always be the pride of my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Ya know we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

Did ya know(x7) (that I love you)
Did ya know(x7)

- Mary J. Blige

Video me

Well, here's the vid mentioned from the previous post. I just get nervous when people go here and the first thing they'd see is me in a video. Oh well, I'd get over it one day :D I think I might start doing video posts once a week actually, just a thought...

May...

I actually was gonna post a video blog instead few days ago but decided not to, as to why I do not know. I guess I was a bit nervous what people would think of me, and here I was thinking I'm past all that.

The weather has been a bit crazy here in the Northern VA/DC area. We lost power at work for about 3 hrs but they had generators though so I still had to stay 'til 8 which is my shift in the time being. I'm really hoping to get back to a "normal" schedule soon. I thought I liked this shift since I get some quiet time from 6-8 when just about everyone's gone but it's getting boring. I get out and really can't do much since everything's almost closed by then.

I actually witnessed an accident on the Capital Beltway and I guess it shook me up a bit. There was a truck that was stalled to my left lane, and a truck from two lanes to the left actually went to that lane, not realizing that the other truck was stopped. We were driving right next to
each other, and when I saw what was about to happen, I just looked rather than actually switching lanes to get far from it. The second truck finally saw the stalled truck and he quickly changed lanes to try to avoid hitting it. But since it was a big truck, the back part didn't move quite as fast and it smashed right into the stalled one. I saw debris flying in the air and I just though Oh shit!! If the truck would have veered right, I would have been hit. I checked the rear view mirror to see if the driver was okay, and he didn't get hit so that's a good thing. But still, I can only imagine what was going through inside him right at that moment. I probably would start crying, I don't know.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned that my mom finally got a full-time job and will get benefits soon enough. I'm really glad for her, she's come a long way from the time she arrived last year. She's become more independent and last night when I spoke to her on the phone, it was a good
talk overall which lasted for an hour and a half, like we used to do before she came here. I was set though, on not giving in and giving some extra money to cover the rent. I know she's making enough now, with the full-time job and a part-time one she's doing. I was paying for her full rent for a while and it kinda got to me, as some blogger-friends would know. I tried not to post about it here but vented to two of 'em when I talk to them online. It was a nice conversation since growing up, we really never had these talks. We ended up crying here and there during the talk. It started when my Dad became the subject. She was saying how she loved him with all her heart and that when he married someone else, it broke her heart. We talked about how she didn't pay mind to all the other guys that are even offering to marry her because she was in love with him. I chuckled when she told me that even before she actually knew my dad, she used to get jealous when he'd bring girls with him where she worked at.It's one of those things she can't explain either as to what it was about my dad that made her love him that much. After him, she really didn't see anyone else until I was about 14 or 15 yrs old. She focused completely on raising me. I look just like my dad so yea, there's something not right there lol.

Me being gay came up as well how my dad probably blames her and her side of the family for it. I told her that it really had nothing to do with how I was raised. She asked if I've told him yet, and I lied and said No since I know how she gets. She seems to take it harder when things happen to me, that I would just think "I'm the one in the center of all this and this has really nothing to do with you!" but I guess, that whole seeing "how your loved one is hurt hurts you more" comes into play. We talked about relationships, lessons she's learned in life so am glad she's grown a lot and has become her own self. She has spent a long time listening to what others tell her to do, but those are all gone. I sometimes feel like a father telling her to live her own life now and do what makes HER happy. She's a really good person and she's
really devoted to the family, to a fault that she thinks about everybody but herself.

We also talked about how when she got married and I didn't like my stepdad initially. How it was the same thing when she moved here and didn't like that I'm in a relationship with C- and living with him. She was like, Now you know how it was for me. I chuckled since I didn't think about it like that until then. Growing up, I really ended up just bottling everything in since it really didn't feel like I had anyone I can talk to. I think I just dealt with it the best (not the healthiest) way that I can. But still, I had enough sense not to get into any addiction. Didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't try illegal substances. As long as I had my dose of Spice(Girls) when I was a teenager, I was set. Kinda silly but ya know, it made me happy and that was enough.

It might sound like I had a really fucked up life but it's really a mix, the good balances the bad. My family was loving yet crazy in some ways but no family is perfect, or do they actually exist? If they do, please let me know, I'd want to meet them.

It's been good for the most part. I know it's been a few weeks but Memorial Day weekend was nice. We did touristy things here in the DC area. Went to Mt Vernon which was where George Washington lived, rented a bike and rode it for 10-15 miles from DC over the bridge to Virginia. I was sore a few days after but it's good overall. There are more pictures when you click the pic to the left, we took this when we were resting.

Last weekend, I volunteered for Stonewall Regatta. It was a rowing competition hosted by the DC Strokes and they had competitors from different areas. I had a good time, I was a timer at the finish line. I think it's something I'm gonna try to get into eventually. Their Learning to Row program was full but I did e-mail them saying I'd be interested to be in the program. Though it probably would be a good idea to learn how to swim first. I posted an ad looking for someone to teach me, but didn't know that C- knows how to swim so he's gonna be the one teaching me. With moving and all, it might have to wait 'til July.

That's about it really, and here I was thinking I had nothing to blog about anymore...

Somewhere, somehow...

Am I the only one who knows who this band is?



This vid cracks me up lol. I'm learning the choreography just because...As to whether that will see the light of day who knows...

That and that and this is this

One more hour to go before I get off since I'm doing 12 - 8 pm shift at the moment. I was alternating 7-4 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and this shift on the other days because I had to work with one tech that only comes on in the evenings to learn about a software that they use. She's taught me well since now, she actually won't be coming in anymore. They've let go of a few folks here so yea, that sucked a bit but what can ya do but move on. I'm a bit nervous so I'm gonna send out my resume soon enough just to be on the safe side :D

Nothing really new, this Friday's the last day of my Communication class. I sooo need to integrate it with my life since yours truly isn't the greatest in communicating. I'm working on not bottling it all up, then exploding one day. I was gonna say trying but I always think of Yoda when I'm close to saying try.. Do or do not, there is no try.

Started going to the gym last week and got to go twice so that's a start. Today's my lift day but had to do laundry so just ran in the treadmill they have at the apartment complex. I actually took off my shirt since it was hot, and after that, it just got hotter haha. Soon enough, you'll see me out shirtless. It makes more sense now when I see guys running shirtless. What a showoff! is what I used to think but not anymore. I'm following the Abs Diet from Men'sHealth. It's not so much a diet but guidelines on what exercises to do, and what food you should eat etc. Eat six smaller meals, drink lots of water, the power 12 snacks to make those abs show.

I also went to get a consult about possibly getting braces but I think that can wait. I do have a nice smile as it is, and I'm sure braces would improve it but I'm alright right now. I got close to saying that my smile's not that bad but if a bunch of folks have said I have a nice smile, it's probably true. Not being vain or anything but one woman at my old school wrote down that it will always stay with her forever, and my commander said it's a boost for him everyday. Yay! It's a boost for me knowing what people think of me. Is that voyeuristic of me?

I dunno, after last night when I read a chat transcript of C- and I a week after we met, I can't help not to smile.
It just brought all these feelings back that it made me wonder where all those feelings went. I get so focused on the negative things I forget what matters sometimes.

Well, it's almost 8 and I gotta go. Maybe I'll post a video soon. Be happy folks!!

When the child was a child...

When the child was a child
It walked with its arms swinging,
wanted the brook to be a river,
the river to be a torrent,
and this puddle to be the sea.

When the child was a child,
it didn’t know that it was a child,
everything was soulful,
and all souls were one.

When the child was a child,
it had no opinion about anything,
had no habits,
it often sat cross-legged,
took off running,
had a cowlick in its hair,
and made no faces when photographed.

When the child was a child,
It was the time for these questions:
Why am I me, and why not you?
Why am I here, and why not there?
When did time begin, and where does space end?
Is life under the sun not just a dream?
Is what I see and hear and smell
not just an illusion of a world before the world?
Given the facts of evil and people.
does evil really exist?
How can it be that I, who I am,
didn’t exist before I came to be,
and that, someday, I, who I am,
will no longer be who I am?

When the child was a child,
It choked on spinach, on peas, on rice pudding,
and on steamed cauliflower,
and eats all of those now, and not just because it has to.

When the child was a child,
it awoke once in a strange bed,
and now does so again and again.
Many people, then, seemed beautiful,
and now only a few do, by sheer luck.

It had visualized a clear image of Paradise,
and now can at most guess,
could not conceive of nothingness,
and shudders today at the thought.

When the child was a child,
It played with enthusiasm,
and, now, has just as much excitement as then,
but only when it concerns its work.

When the child was a child,
It was enough for it to eat an apple, … bread,
And so it is even now.

When the child was a child,
Berries filled its hand as only berries do,
and do even now,
Fresh walnuts made its tongue raw,
and do even now,
it had, on every mountaintop,
the longing for a higher mountain yet,
and in every city,
the longing for an even greater city,
and that is still so,
It reached for cherries in topmost branches of trees
with an elation it still has today,
has a shyness in front of strangers,
and has that even now.
It awaited the first snow,
And waits that way even now.

When the child was a child,
It threw a stick like a lance against a tree,
And it quivers there still today.

- Song of Childhood by Peter Handke

Things I don't like about me

Has everybody heard of the different temperaments? For those who haven't, it's a theory that goes all the way back to Hippocrates. He believed certain human moods, emotions and behaviors were caused by body fluids (called humors): blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. It just got me thinking since I've actually known about these for a while, and even gave some books as gifts trying to get a point across to people. During the time I lived with my aunt and uncle, it was hard on some days since my uncle was so serious the whole time that I remember thinking 'Lighten up, will ya!" Years later, and having lived with the bf this past year, it came to light that my uncle and I have similar personalities.

This came up since the bf and I had a fight few nights ago about things not being done in the house. I usually get upset when the bed isn't made when I get home, dishes are in the sink, etc. When this happens, instead of talking to Cs- about it, I would just be quiet and not talk to him in the time being. I forget how I hated it when my uncle didn't talk to me when we're home, yet here I am doing the same thing to my bf.

He just brought light to some things that I didn't realize I was doing which hurt him in some way. I can say that I'm pretty neat and organized at home, and usually have a system of sorts to make life easier. Even when I was in the mil, my friends used to laugh since I have a place for things. I have everything folded and I used to set Sundays as my ironing day. I'd spend part of the day ironing everything I washed the previous night. Well, not including underwear, but you know, pants, shirts, etc. I really didn't think much of it since it'll be easier for me to find something if I know where it is, rather than hunting around when you need it. Even when I was in school, I'd dump everything in my backpack out and reorganize my notebooks, books EVERY night with no fail. Have it in order as to what class we have, I was even the go-to guy since they know if they need a school supply of sort, Kris will have it.

I'm also quite particular with the kind of food I buy. I only buy Rocky Road or Cookies and Cream ice cream, just creamy Skippy peanut butter, you get the idea. There's a certain brand of wheat bread that I only eat since I've tried other ones and didn't like it. It's not so much that I'm particular, but I just like what I like. So, when I asked him to go grocery shopping, he bought bread, just not what I've been getting. I made it known that it's not the brand that I eat, but perhaps I should have waited to tell him so rather than saying it right when he's putting them away. The bread went to waste since I tried it but didn't like it so went to the store and grabbed the usual brand myself. With doing so, I've hurt him unknowingly.

Here's a site that briefly talks about the personalities. I'm a mix Melancholy/Phlegmatic, leaning more to Melancholy. I'll admit when I read my old posts, and just think Oh my god, I sound so depressed but I don't know, I'd like to think I write about the negative to let it out mainly. In person, I'm easy-going and low key. And I thought it didn't take much to make me happy, yet I'd get depressed in a heartbeat over the little things.
I'm just a walking contradiction, aren't I?

I just noticed that for both personalities, it mentioned self a lot. Selfish, self-centered, self-righteous. Actually I can be selfish when I want to. I went to an extreme once when I was younger, and had a famicom, I didn't want my cousin playing it so I hid the controller when I went to school. Well, my aunt wanted to play it but since I hid it, no one was able to. I got home and they asked why I hid it, and I really can't remember what I said or even having a reason other than not wanting anyone else to use it while I'm gone. It's funny though that I attributed some of my not-so-nice traits to being mixed rather than just for being a kid alone.

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess to shed more light about my not-so-great aspects and try to find a way to overcome it when it starts to affect relationships. With my nature, I tend to focus on the negatives and seriously forget what I like about a person. I tend not to tell them what's going on since I hate conflicts, so I just quietly take myself out of the picture, probably leaving some wondering why what happened.

I spoke to an old friend few weeks ago, someone I was friends with in high school back in the Philippines. We were really good friends, though we had some falling out a few times. We laugh about it now but one of them was because she let my other classmates use my marker without telling me. It made me mad enough to not talk to her for a week which is another thing I'm trying to work on. When I'm upset, I go about things as usual except acknowledging the person I'm upset with. I forget how I hated it when that was done to me, being in the same room with someone, yet feel as if you don't even exist, that you don't matter enough to get even a nod or anything. I did that quite a lot. I'm not sure what triggers it. I'd wake up one day and just don't feel like talking to people, or get bored so ignore folks just for the kick of it. That doesn't sound normal, and I AM guilty.

Anyway, she told me some of the things she appreciated about me. I'd buy her food when we're out and about, or just being there when she needs me. I seriously don't remember what these things were but she does so guess that's a good thing. I'm not so bad after all since she said, I'm like her first friend that made an impact to her life, and yet not even know it. I just did what I thought one would do for their friend, nothing else. I have deep concern for others, I'll do what I can to help (self-sacrificing), sensitive, and a lot of people say I'm sweet :D To be honest though, I'm boggled to this day as to how I'm sweet. I don't know what makes me one. Oh damn, mel kicking in. Shut up and focus on the good stuff! If I chose to be your friend, I'm a friend for life so the ones I've met, you lucked out haha. You can't get rid of meeee!

That's about it. I just wanted to touch up on this to bring light to my dark side and see what I can do to not become Darth Vader, kapeesh!? My bebe is a Sanguine by the way...

Let's play!

Ey, anyone else who owns a Wii? Please let me know so I can add you on mine.
Here's my Wii code: 4010-5820-8988-0733

No more cold feet....

It was a miscommunication between my dad and I over that conversation that one Friday night. I've dodged the topic since then whenever he called and ask me what's really going on. Today, something just came over me and I flat out told him that the guy that was gonna come with me is my boyfriend. He had me repeat what I told him just in case, and repeat I did. It was still a bit weird to flat out say I'm gay but I eventually did. He acted like I had a feeling he would.. I'm normally optimistic but realistic at the same time so wasn't holding my breathe on him saying he'd love me just the same, yada yada. I didn't like some of what he said so had to defend the gays haha. I didn't see our talk going anywhere so told him I'm just gonna go and hang up I did.

Here I was thinking my world would crumble if he didn't approve of me, but ya know, I ended up cracking a smile afterwards. It just hit me that what he thought didn't matter anymore as I thought it would. If he comes around great, if not I'd live *smiles* He's not obligated to keep on loving me if he doesn't want to. It's all about choices really, and sometimes people can choose to not talk to us anymore, or to continue loving us, and as much as that would hurt, we really can't do anything about it but move on. Now, one thing you have to remember is NOT to blame yourself in anyway. People do things with no rhyme or reason and you can't hold yourself responsible for it. Never forget that!

Well I'm just telling myself that since I tend to expect the worst sometimes but I'll shut up now. Thanks for the support, it does make a difference more than one would imagine. It's amazing how much blogger love there is sometimes, it makes me smile and grateful. I do love you all! Can one of you be my daddy!? Just kidding!! Or am I.....

Yours with a happy face :)

Missionary impossible!!.. Get it!?

This never fails to make me laugh when I'm feeling blue..

Cable channel.mp3

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the stall?

Well, it's been a little over a week now and still no word from my father. I've asked my bro to see if he's mentioned anything but nada. First off, I wanted to say thanks to your comments and thoughts about this whole situation. It means sooo much to get inputs on this rather than going through it alone. At this time, I'm not bogged down about it. If he comes around, great. If not, I can't let it get to me since it's not gonna do me any good.

This pic I actually took the day after "the talk". I was feeling down that Saturday and really didn't wanna stay home so I decided to go to the National Mall to help not to remember. I spoke to a few folks I could possibly go with but with barely knowing them, I really didn't want to go through the getting-to-know conversations when all I'd want to do is let it all out and have someone to just be there.

Anyway, off to the Mall I went and I visited a few museums. Sackler, African Art, Smithsonian Garden. Just walked around as well and watched people playing, walking, talking, just interacting with each other. It was a really nice day and it was the Kite Festival as well so there were quite a few you'd see up in the sky. I offered to take a picture of a few people. One of those things I do when I feel down, doing a deed for others without expecting anything. It helps to take my focus onto something outside myself and it does help me feel better, if not completely. With the pic, I was in the bathroom as you can see with the urinal in the back and all. I take pics depending how I feel to sorta serve as a reminder about a certain point in my life. And it makes me laugh too when I make faces for a picture. Thank god nobody walked in on me. *You can click on the pic and see other ones I took

To be honest, I don't remember what I did that evening. This past weekend, C- and I volunteered at an elementary school to help paint, landscape the school. We got tasked to paint some art though which was neat. They were sorta like the iPod commercial where it's a person's silhouette in one color, and the background in a contrasting one. Afterwards, we dropped off our friend and made our way out to the Mall and went paddle boating. It was nice though I got a bit nervous when we were actually paddling around. Then, stopped at the fish market on the way home to get some crabs. Then, just stayed in.

Sunday, spent the day being lazy and cleaned some, did the laundry, washed the dishes. Went to Hooters in the evening and that was that. I've never had their wings until now..

Well that's all for now. I'm alive and well, thanks once again. *Smile*

Coming out....

My dad knows now. The way it happened was kinda sudden and I'm still digesting it all. Will write more about it soon....Now I am.

Friday night, my mom (step) called me back since we didn't get to speak a few days prior when I called her. We spoke about the usual, school, work etc, and we got to the part about my visit this summer . June 7 will be my dad's birthday, and on that same day, my brother will be graduating from high school as well. I've known about this for a looong time so it was definite that I'm gonna be coming. We got to talking about where I'm gonna stay and since she mentioned a few other family members are going, I told her I might just stay at a hotel since my friend wants to come also, that friend being C-. We just talked more about the possibilities of staying at the house, or if not where would be a good area to get a hotel, etc. So throughout the talk, my mom knew that I'll be taking a guy friend with me. She knows I'm gay actually. They, being my brother and her, got into a conversation about it one time and somehow it came up and by brother told her that I was. My brother has known about it for years when I admitted to it back in 06 during the family reunion.

Three hours later as I was about to sleep, the phone rang and when I glanced over, saw that it was my dad. Figured I'll just pick up since we really don't stay that long on the phone. He just wanted to confirm since per what my mom told him, I was gonna be bringing a friend over, except that she left out that it was a guy. He asked me, What's her name? I said, Ummm, it's not a girl.. Kris, that doesn't make sense? You're bringing a friend over and it's not a girl? I tried to brush it off by saying that technically, I wasn't really bringing my friend home. He's never been to Cali and thought it'll be nice to visit. Seconds later, the question 'Are you straight?' came up. This whole time, I've said yes eventhough I knew that wasn't the truth.

But that night, something just shifted and I just kept silent which usually means a yes, does it not? He'd ask, and I wouldn't answer and he'd go Kris!!?? 'Yea, I'm here" Are you straight!? Silence...This went on three more times before the question changed. Are you gay? (nicer way than what he said) Silence... Kris!! Yep? Are you gay!? Silence... Kris!! Yep? I'm here.. Are you gay? I wasn't gonna say yes since I didn't like the word he used, so I replied 'What if I am?' I waited for his response and he told me he's just gonna go since he don't feel like talking anymore and hanged up. I sat there in the bed stunned, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.

I couldn't even cry. I was in shock. C- eventually came by my side since he overheard parts of the conversation. All I could utter was that I guess he finally knows.. Thirty minutes later, I ended up sending a text: Dad, I really don't know how else to tell you but yea, I'm gay. Sorry for having to tell you in a text but it'll do for now... Kris

Next day was a bit awful. C- had to go to work, and initially I thought I was fine. But I just had this antsy feeling that stayed with me. And when I was taking a shower, that's when it hit me. I thought I was really over with the people-pleasing but I realized that wasn't the case. I realized that I can't be completely be honest when I'm hiding who I was. He's always told me to always tell the truth, and be honest but how I can do that with everybody if I can't even do it with the person who tells me to do so. So in essence, I've lied. I've told only half-truths and left out bits and pieces since I thought it would upset people. I've told lies to protect others when i thought that they can't handle the truth. I guess I just got tired of it, having to hide the real person that I am. I'm aware that sometimes I have to do so to protect myself but with loved ones, it just felt that it didn't have to be that way. The whole side my mom's family knows and do they care, thankfully they don't. Though I'm aware that sometimes they think it's a loss since I won't be able to have kids and lead a normal life, but then what's normal these days?

One uncle that's religious, I was surprised that he took it pretty well. It just doesn't come up when I talk to him but I know that he knows, yet loves me the same. But then, how could he have not? What 13-yr old sings and dances to the Spice Girls around his family!? Certainly not I!! Haha. My cousin told me that she already knew since I came out of my mom's vajayjay. Silly girl. But really though, people have known since I was a kid. I used to think, Shit, how the fuck did they know!? There's this saying that went If one person calls you a horse, don't pay them too much mind. If two people calls you one, you better start paying attention. If three or more does, go look at a mirror and see if you do have hay hanging out of your mouth!

It's been a few days since that talk and I've yet to hear back from him. Am I scared? Yes, I worry that this will be the end of a relationship we started building on this past 6-7 years. Does that make me sad? Oh definitely it does. Eventhough he's never really been around, I do love my dad. I think it's silly how I can love someone that I've barely been around with in my 24 years of existence. I wish I don't love him but I do and I can't help it. I guess if he chose not to talk to me again, it'll be a loss on but what can I do? I'll have to honor his choice if that's what he wants. I just hope I don't focus on not getting love from him and not realize the love that's been all around me.

In a sense, I'm thankful that despite of him not being around, god or whatever you'd want to call it made sure I have other people to love and to love me back. Not because I'm special but simply just because. I'd like to think that I'm a good person in general and being gay doesn't make me a bad person. I'm mostly telling myself this as a reassurance, that being completely honest for a start wouldn't end this relationship I have with my father. If it did, oh well what can I do but move on as much as it would hurt me. I guess I'll always have the memories and at least some pictures to keep, to remind me that my father did love me in the only way he knew how...