One more hour to go before I get off since I'm doing 12 - 8 pm shift at the moment. I was alternating 7-4 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and this shift on the other days because I had to work with one tech that only comes on in the evenings to learn about a software that they use. She's taught me well since now, she actually won't be coming in anymore. They've let go of a few folks here so yea, that sucked a bit but what can ya do but move on. I'm a bit nervous so I'm gonna send out my resume soon enough just to be on the safe side :D
Nothing really new, this Friday's the last day of my Communication class. I sooo need to integrate it with my life since yours truly isn't the greatest in communicating. I'm working on not bottling it all up, then exploding one day. I was gonna say trying but I always think of Yoda when I'm close to saying try.. Do or do not, there is no try.
Started going to the gym last week and got to go twice so that's a start. Today's my lift day but had to do laundry so just ran in the treadmill they have at the apartment complex. I actually took off my shirt since it was hot, and after that, it just got hotter haha. Soon enough, you'll see me out shirtless. It makes more sense now when I see guys running shirtless. What a showoff! is what I used to think but not anymore. I'm following the Abs Diet from Men'sHealth. It's not so much a diet but guidelines on what exercises to do, and what food you should eat etc. Eat six smaller meals, drink lots of water, the power 12 snacks to make those abs show.
I also went to get a consult about possibly getting braces but I think that can wait. I do have a nice smile as it is, and I'm sure braces would improve it but I'm alright right now. I got close to saying that my smile's not that bad but if a bunch of folks have said I have a nice smile, it's probably true. Not being vain or anything but one woman at my old school wrote down that it will always stay with her forever, and my commander said it's a boost for him everyday. Yay! It's a boost for me knowing what people think of me. Is that voyeuristic of me?
I dunno, after last night when I read a chat transcript of C- and I a week after we met, I can't help not to smile.
It just brought all these feelings back that it made me wonder where all those feelings went. I get so focused on the negative things I forget what matters sometimes.
Well, it's almost 8 and I gotta go. Maybe I'll post a video soon. Be happy folks!!
06 May 2008
05 May 2008
When the child was a child...
When the child was a child
It walked with its arms swinging,
wanted the brook to be a river,
the river to be a torrent,
and this puddle to be the sea.
When the child was a child,
it didn’t know that it was a child,
everything was soulful,
and all souls were one.
When the child was a child,
it had no opinion about anything,
had no habits,
it often sat cross-legged,
took off running,
had a cowlick in its hair,
and made no faces when photographed.
When the child was a child,
It was the time for these questions:
Why am I me, and why not you?
Why am I here, and why not there?
When did time begin, and where does space end?
Is life under the sun not just a dream?
Is what I see and hear and smell
not just an illusion of a world before the world?
Given the facts of evil and people.
does evil really exist?
How can it be that I, who I am,
didn’t exist before I came to be,
and that, someday, I, who I am,
will no longer be who I am?
When the child was a child,
It choked on spinach, on peas, on rice pudding,
and on steamed cauliflower,
and eats all of those now, and not just because it has to.
When the child was a child,
it awoke once in a strange bed,
and now does so again and again.
Many people, then, seemed beautiful,
and now only a few do, by sheer luck.
It had visualized a clear image of Paradise,
and now can at most guess,
could not conceive of nothingness,
and shudders today at the thought.
When the child was a child,
It played with enthusiasm,
and, now, has just as much excitement as then,
but only when it concerns its work.
When the child was a child,
It was enough for it to eat an apple, … bread,
And so it is even now.
When the child was a child,
Berries filled its hand as only berries do,
and do even now,
Fresh walnuts made its tongue raw,
and do even now,
it had, on every mountaintop,
the longing for a higher mountain yet,
and in every city,
the longing for an even greater city,
and that is still so,
It reached for cherries in topmost branches of trees
with an elation it still has today,
has a shyness in front of strangers,
and has that even now.
It awaited the first snow,
And waits that way even now.
When the child was a child,
It threw a stick like a lance against a tree,
And it quivers there still today.
- Song of Childhood by Peter Handke
It walked with its arms swinging,
wanted the brook to be a river,
the river to be a torrent,
and this puddle to be the sea.
When the child was a child,
it didn’t know that it was a child,
everything was soulful,
and all souls were one.
When the child was a child,
it had no opinion about anything,
had no habits,
it often sat cross-legged,
took off running,
had a cowlick in its hair,
and made no faces when photographed.
When the child was a child,
It was the time for these questions:
Why am I me, and why not you?
Why am I here, and why not there?
When did time begin, and where does space end?
Is life under the sun not just a dream?
Is what I see and hear and smell
not just an illusion of a world before the world?
Given the facts of evil and people.
does evil really exist?
How can it be that I, who I am,
didn’t exist before I came to be,
and that, someday, I, who I am,
will no longer be who I am?
When the child was a child,
It choked on spinach, on peas, on rice pudding,
and on steamed cauliflower,
and eats all of those now, and not just because it has to.
When the child was a child,
it awoke once in a strange bed,
and now does so again and again.
Many people, then, seemed beautiful,
and now only a few do, by sheer luck.
It had visualized a clear image of Paradise,
and now can at most guess,
could not conceive of nothingness,
and shudders today at the thought.
When the child was a child,
It played with enthusiasm,
and, now, has just as much excitement as then,
but only when it concerns its work.
When the child was a child,
It was enough for it to eat an apple, … bread,
And so it is even now.
When the child was a child,
Berries filled its hand as only berries do,
and do even now,
Fresh walnuts made its tongue raw,
and do even now,
it had, on every mountaintop,
the longing for a higher mountain yet,
and in every city,
the longing for an even greater city,
and that is still so,
It reached for cherries in topmost branches of trees
with an elation it still has today,
has a shyness in front of strangers,
and has that even now.
It awaited the first snow,
And waits that way even now.
When the child was a child,
It threw a stick like a lance against a tree,
And it quivers there still today.
- Song of Childhood by Peter Handke
25 April 2008
Things I don't like about me
Has everybody heard of the different temperaments? For those who haven't, it's a theory that goes all the way back to Hippocrates. He believed certain human moods, emotions and behaviors were caused by body fluids (called humors): blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. It just got me thinking since I've actually known about these for a while, and even gave some books as gifts trying to get a point across to people. During the time I lived with my aunt and uncle, it was hard on some days since my uncle was so serious the whole time that I remember thinking 'Lighten up, will ya!" Years later, and having lived with the bf this past year, it came to light that my uncle and I have similar personalities.
This came up since the bf and I had a fight few nights ago about things not being done in the house. I usually get upset when the bed isn't made when I get home, dishes are in the sink, etc. When this happens, instead of talking to Cs- about it, I would just be quiet and not talk to him in the time being. I forget how I hated it when my uncle didn't talk to me when we're home, yet here I am doing the same thing to my bf.
He just brought light to some things that I didn't realize I was doing which hurt him in some way. I can say that I'm pretty neat and organized at home, and usually have a system of sorts to make life easier. Even when I was in the mil, my friends used to laugh since I have a place for things. I have everything folded and I used to set Sundays as my ironing day. I'd spend part of the day ironing everything I washed the previous night. Well, not including underwear, but you know, pants, shirts, etc. I really didn't think much of it since it'll be easier for me to find something if I know where it is, rather than hunting around when you need it. Even when I was in school, I'd dump everything in my backpack out and reorganize my notebooks, books EVERY night with no fail. Have it in order as to what class we have, I was even the go-to guy since they know if they need a school supply of sort, Kris will have it.
I'm also quite particular with the kind of food I buy. I only buy Rocky Road or Cookies and Cream ice cream, just creamy Skippy peanut butter, you get the idea. There's a certain brand of wheat bread that I only eat since I've tried other ones and didn't like it. It's not so much that I'm particular, but I just like what I like. So, when I asked him to go grocery shopping, he bought bread, just not what I've been getting. I made it known that it's not the brand that I eat, but perhaps I should have waited to tell him so rather than saying it right when he's putting them away. The bread went to waste since I tried it but didn't like it so went to the store and grabbed the usual brand myself. With doing so, I've hurt him unknowingly.
Here's a site that briefly talks about the personalities. I'm a mix Melancholy/Phlegmatic, leaning more to Melancholy. I'll admit when I read my old posts, and just think Oh my god, I sound so depressed but I don't know, I'd like to think I write about the negative to let it out mainly. In person, I'm easy-going and low key. And I thought it didn't take much to make me happy, yet I'd get depressed in a heartbeat over the little things.
I'm just a walking contradiction, aren't I?
I just noticed that for both personalities, it mentioned self a lot. Selfish, self-centered, self-righteous. Actually I can be selfish when I want to. I went to an extreme once when I was younger, and had a famicom, I didn't want my cousin playing it so I hid the controller when I went to school. Well, my aunt wanted to play it but since I hid it, no one was able to. I got home and they asked why I hid it, and I really can't remember what I said or even having a reason other than not wanting anyone else to use it while I'm gone. It's funny though that I attributed some of my not-so-nice traits to being mixed rather than just for being a kid alone.
I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess to shed more light about my not-so-great aspects and try to find a way to overcome it when it starts to affect relationships. With my nature, I tend to focus on the negatives and seriously forget what I like about a person. I tend not to tell them what's going on since I hate conflicts, so I just quietly take myself out of the picture, probably leaving some wondering why what happened.
I spoke to an old friend few weeks ago, someone I was friends with in high school back in the Philippines. We were really good friends, though we had some falling out a few times. We laugh about it now but one of them was because she let my other classmates use my marker without telling me. It made me mad enough to not talk to her for a week which is another thing I'm trying to work on. When I'm upset, I go about things as usual except acknowledging the person I'm upset with. I forget how I hated it when that was done to me, being in the same room with someone, yet feel as if you don't even exist, that you don't matter enough to get even a nod or anything. I did that quite a lot. I'm not sure what triggers it. I'd wake up one day and just don't feel like talking to people, or get bored so ignore folks just for the kick of it. That doesn't sound normal, and I AM guilty.
Anyway, she told me some of the things she appreciated about me. I'd buy her food when we're out and about, or just being there when she needs me. I seriously don't remember what these things were but she does so guess that's a good thing. I'm not so bad after all since she said, I'm like her first friend that made an impact to her life, and yet not even know it. I just did what I thought one would do for their friend, nothing else. I have deep concern for others, I'll do what I can to help (self-sacrificing), sensitive, and a lot of people say I'm sweet :D To be honest though, I'm boggled to this day as to how I'm sweet. I don't know what makes me one. Oh damn, mel kicking in. Shut up and focus on the good stuff! If I chose to be your friend, I'm a friend for life so the ones I've met, you lucked out haha. You can't get rid of meeee!
That's about it. I just wanted to touch up on this to bring light to my dark side and see what I can do to not become Darth Vader, kapeesh!? My bebe is a Sanguine by the way...
This came up since the bf and I had a fight few nights ago about things not being done in the house. I usually get upset when the bed isn't made when I get home, dishes are in the sink, etc. When this happens, instead of talking to Cs- about it, I would just be quiet and not talk to him in the time being. I forget how I hated it when my uncle didn't talk to me when we're home, yet here I am doing the same thing to my bf.
He just brought light to some things that I didn't realize I was doing which hurt him in some way. I can say that I'm pretty neat and organized at home, and usually have a system of sorts to make life easier. Even when I was in the mil, my friends used to laugh since I have a place for things. I have everything folded and I used to set Sundays as my ironing day. I'd spend part of the day ironing everything I washed the previous night. Well, not including underwear, but you know, pants, shirts, etc. I really didn't think much of it since it'll be easier for me to find something if I know where it is, rather than hunting around when you need it. Even when I was in school, I'd dump everything in my backpack out and reorganize my notebooks, books EVERY night with no fail. Have it in order as to what class we have, I was even the go-to guy since they know if they need a school supply of sort, Kris will have it.
I'm also quite particular with the kind of food I buy. I only buy Rocky Road or Cookies and Cream ice cream, just creamy Skippy peanut butter, you get the idea. There's a certain brand of wheat bread that I only eat since I've tried other ones and didn't like it. It's not so much that I'm particular, but I just like what I like. So, when I asked him to go grocery shopping, he bought bread, just not what I've been getting. I made it known that it's not the brand that I eat, but perhaps I should have waited to tell him so rather than saying it right when he's putting them away. The bread went to waste since I tried it but didn't like it so went to the store and grabbed the usual brand myself. With doing so, I've hurt him unknowingly.
Here's a site that briefly talks about the personalities. I'm a mix Melancholy/Phlegmatic, leaning more to Melancholy. I'll admit when I read my old posts, and just think Oh my god, I sound so depressed but I don't know, I'd like to think I write about the negative to let it out mainly. In person, I'm easy-going and low key. And I thought it didn't take much to make me happy, yet I'd get depressed in a heartbeat over the little things.
I'm just a walking contradiction, aren't I?
I just noticed that for both personalities, it mentioned self a lot. Selfish, self-centered, self-righteous. Actually I can be selfish when I want to. I went to an extreme once when I was younger, and had a famicom, I didn't want my cousin playing it so I hid the controller when I went to school. Well, my aunt wanted to play it but since I hid it, no one was able to. I got home and they asked why I hid it, and I really can't remember what I said or even having a reason other than not wanting anyone else to use it while I'm gone. It's funny though that I attributed some of my not-so-nice traits to being mixed rather than just for being a kid alone.
I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess to shed more light about my not-so-great aspects and try to find a way to overcome it when it starts to affect relationships. With my nature, I tend to focus on the negatives and seriously forget what I like about a person. I tend not to tell them what's going on since I hate conflicts, so I just quietly take myself out of the picture, probably leaving some wondering why what happened.
I spoke to an old friend few weeks ago, someone I was friends with in high school back in the Philippines. We were really good friends, though we had some falling out a few times. We laugh about it now but one of them was because she let my other classmates use my marker without telling me. It made me mad enough to not talk to her for a week which is another thing I'm trying to work on. When I'm upset, I go about things as usual except acknowledging the person I'm upset with. I forget how I hated it when that was done to me, being in the same room with someone, yet feel as if you don't even exist, that you don't matter enough to get even a nod or anything. I did that quite a lot. I'm not sure what triggers it. I'd wake up one day and just don't feel like talking to people, or get bored so ignore folks just for the kick of it. That doesn't sound normal, and I AM guilty.
Anyway, she told me some of the things she appreciated about me. I'd buy her food when we're out and about, or just being there when she needs me. I seriously don't remember what these things were but she does so guess that's a good thing. I'm not so bad after all since she said, I'm like her first friend that made an impact to her life, and yet not even know it. I just did what I thought one would do for their friend, nothing else. I have deep concern for others, I'll do what I can to help (self-sacrificing), sensitive, and a lot of people say I'm sweet :D To be honest though, I'm boggled to this day as to how I'm sweet. I don't know what makes me one. Oh damn, mel kicking in. Shut up and focus on the good stuff! If I chose to be your friend, I'm a friend for life so the ones I've met, you lucked out haha. You can't get rid of meeee!
That's about it. I just wanted to touch up on this to bring light to my dark side and see what I can do to not become Darth Vader, kapeesh!? My bebe is a Sanguine by the way...
24 April 2008
Let's play!
Ey, anyone else who owns a Wii? Please let me know so I can add you on mine.
Here's my Wii code: 4010-5820-8988-0733
Here's my Wii code: 4010-5820-8988-0733
14 April 2008
No more cold feet....
It was a miscommunication between my dad and I over that conversation that one Friday night. I've dodged the topic since then whenever he called and ask me what's really going on. Today, something just came over me and I flat out told him that the guy that was gonna come with me is my boyfriend. He had me repeat what I told him just in case, and repeat I did. It was still a bit weird to flat out say I'm gay but I eventually did. He acted like I had a feeling he would.. I'm normally optimistic but realistic at the same time so wasn't holding my breathe on him saying he'd love me just the same, yada yada. I didn't like some of what he said so had to defend the gays haha. I didn't see our talk going anywhere so told him I'm just gonna go and hang up I did.
Here I was thinking my world would crumble if he didn't approve of me, but ya know, I ended up cracking a smile afterwards. It just hit me that what he thought didn't matter anymore as I thought it would. If he comes around great, if not I'd live *smiles* He's not obligated to keep on loving me if he doesn't want to. It's all about choices really, and sometimes people can choose to not talk to us anymore, or to continue loving us, and as much as that would hurt, we really can't do anything about it but move on. Now, one thing you have to remember is NOT to blame yourself in anyway. People do things with no rhyme or reason and you can't hold yourself responsible for it. Never forget that!
Well I'm just telling myself that since I tend to expect the worst sometimes but I'll shut up now. Thanks for the support, it does make a difference more than one would imagine. It's amazing how much blogger love there is sometimes, it makes me smile and grateful. I do love you all! Can one of you be my daddy!? Just kidding!! Or am I.....
Yours with a happy face :)
Here I was thinking my world would crumble if he didn't approve of me, but ya know, I ended up cracking a smile afterwards. It just hit me that what he thought didn't matter anymore as I thought it would. If he comes around great, if not I'd live *smiles* He's not obligated to keep on loving me if he doesn't want to. It's all about choices really, and sometimes people can choose to not talk to us anymore, or to continue loving us, and as much as that would hurt, we really can't do anything about it but move on. Now, one thing you have to remember is NOT to blame yourself in anyway. People do things with no rhyme or reason and you can't hold yourself responsible for it. Never forget that!
Well I'm just telling myself that since I tend to expect the worst sometimes but I'll shut up now. Thanks for the support, it does make a difference more than one would imagine. It's amazing how much blogger love there is sometimes, it makes me smile and grateful. I do love you all! Can one of you be my daddy!? Just kidding!! Or am I.....
Yours with a happy face :)
09 April 2008
Missionary impossible!!.. Get it!?
This never fails to make me laugh when I'm feeling blue..
| Cable channel.mp3 |
07 April 2008
Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the stall?
Well, it's been a little over a week now and still no word from my father. I've asked my bro to see if he's mentioned anything but nada. First off, I wanted to say thanks to your comments and thoughts about this whole situation. It means sooo much to get inputs on this rather than going through it alone. At this time, I'm not bogged down about it. If he comes around, great. If not, I can't let it get to me since it's not gonna do me any good.This pic I actually took the day after "the talk". I was feeling down that Saturday and really didn't wanna stay home so I decided to go to the National Mall to help not to remember. I spoke to a few folks I could possibly go with but with barely knowing them, I really didn't want to go through the getting-to-know conversations when all I'd want to do is let it all out and have someone to just be there.
Anyway, off to the Mall I went and I visited a few museums. Sackler, African Art, Smithsonian Garden. Just walked around as well and watched people playing, walking, talking, just interacting with each other. It was a really nice day and it was the Kite Festival as well so there were quite a few you'd see up in the sky. I offered to take a picture of a few people. One of those things I do when I feel down, doing a deed for others without expecting anything. It helps to take my focus onto something outside myself and it does help me feel better, if not completely. With the pic, I was in the bathroom as you can see with the urinal in the back and all. I take pics depending how I feel to sorta serve as a reminder about a certain point in my life. And it makes me laugh too when I make faces for a picture. Thank god nobody walked in on me. *You can click on the pic and see other ones I took
To be honest, I don't remember what I did that evening. This past weekend, C- and I volunteered at an elementary school to help paint, landscape the school. We got tasked to paint some art though which was neat. They were sorta like the iPod commercial where it's a person's silhouette in one color, and the background in a contrasting one. Afterwards, we dropped off our friend and made our way out to the Mall and went paddle boating. It was nice though I got a bit nervous when we were actually paddling around. Then, stopped at the fish market on the way home to get some crabs. Then, just stayed in.
Sunday, spent the day being lazy and cleaned some, did the laundry, washed the dishes. Went to Hooters in the evening and that was that. I've never had their wings until now..
Well that's all for now. I'm alive and well, thanks once again. *Smile*
04 April 2008
Coming out....
My dad knows now. The way it happened was kinda sudden and I'm still digesting it all. Will write more about it soon....Now I am.
Friday night, my mom (step) called me back since we didn't get to speak a few days prior when I called her. We spoke about the usual, school, work etc, and we got to the part about my visit this summer . June 7 will be my dad's birthday, and on that same day, my brother will be graduating from high school as well. I've known about this for a looong time so it was definite that I'm gonna be coming. We got to talking about where I'm gonna stay and since she mentioned a few other family members are going, I told her I might just stay at a hotel since my friend wants to come also, that friend being C-. We just talked more about the possibilities of staying at the house, or if not where would be a good area to get a hotel, etc. So throughout the talk, my mom knew that I'll be taking a guy friend with me. She knows I'm gay actually. They, being my brother and her, got into a conversation about it one time and somehow it came up and by brother told her that I was. My brother has known about it for years when I admitted to it back in 06 during the family reunion.
Three hours later as I was about to sleep, the phone rang and when I glanced over, saw that it was my dad. Figured I'll just pick up since we really don't stay that long on the phone. He just wanted to confirm since per what my mom told him, I was gonna be bringing a friend over, except that she left out that it was a guy. He asked me, What's her name? I said, Ummm, it's not a girl.. Kris, that doesn't make sense? You're bringing a friend over and it's not a girl? I tried to brush it off by saying that technically, I wasn't really bringing my friend home. He's never been to Cali and thought it'll be nice to visit. Seconds later, the question 'Are you straight?' came up. This whole time, I've said yes eventhough I knew that wasn't the truth.
But that night, something just shifted and I just kept silent which usually means a yes, does it not? He'd ask, and I wouldn't answer and he'd go Kris!!?? 'Yea, I'm here" Are you straight!? Silence...This went on three more times before the question changed. Are you gay? (nicer way than what he said) Silence... Kris!! Yep? Are you gay!? Silence... Kris!! Yep? I'm here.. Are you gay? I wasn't gonna say yes since I didn't like the word he used, so I replied 'What if I am?' I waited for his response and he told me he's just gonna go since he don't feel like talking anymore and hanged up. I sat there in the bed stunned, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.
I couldn't even cry. I was in shock. C- eventually came by my side since he overheard parts of the conversation. All I could utter was that I guess he finally knows.. Thirty minutes later, I ended up sending a text: Dad, I really don't know how else to tell you but yea, I'm gay. Sorry for having to tell you in a text but it'll do for now... Kris
Next day was a bit awful. C- had to go to work, and initially I thought I was fine. But I just had this antsy feeling that stayed with me. And when I was taking a shower, that's when it hit me. I thought I was really over with the people-pleasing but I realized that wasn't the case. I realized that I can't be completely be honest when I'm hiding who I was. He's always told me to always tell the truth, and be honest but how I can do that with everybody if I can't even do it with the person who tells me to do so. So in essence, I've lied. I've told only half-truths and left out bits and pieces since I thought it would upset people. I've told lies to protect others when i thought that they can't handle the truth. I guess I just got tired of it, having to hide the real person that I am. I'm aware that sometimes I have to do so to protect myself but with loved ones, it just felt that it didn't have to be that way. The whole side my mom's family knows and do they care, thankfully they don't. Though I'm aware that sometimes they think it's a loss since I won't be able to have kids and lead a normal life, but then what's normal these days?
One uncle that's religious, I was surprised that he took it pretty well. It just doesn't come up when I talk to him but I know that he knows, yet loves me the same. But then, how could he have not? What 13-yr old sings and dances to the Spice Girls around his family!? Certainly not I!! Haha. My cousin told me that she already knew since I came out of my mom's vajayjay. Silly girl. But really though, people have known since I was a kid. I used to think, Shit, how the fuck did they know!? There's this saying that went If one person calls you a horse, don't pay them too much mind. If two people calls you one, you better start paying attention. If three or more does, go look at a mirror and see if you do have hay hanging out of your mouth!
It's been a few days since that talk and I've yet to hear back from him. Am I scared? Yes, I worry that this will be the end of a relationship we started building on this past 6-7 years. Does that make me sad? Oh definitely it does. Eventhough he's never really been around, I do love my dad. I think it's silly how I can love someone that I've barely been around with in my 24 years of existence. I wish I don't love him but I do and I can't help it. I guess if he chose not to talk to me again, it'll be a loss on but what can I do? I'll have to honor his choice if that's what he wants. I just hope I don't focus on not getting love from him and not realize the love that's been all around me.
In a sense, I'm thankful that despite of him not being around, god or whatever you'd want to call it made sure I have other people to love and to love me back. Not because I'm special but simply just because. I'd like to think that I'm a good person in general and being gay doesn't make me a bad person. I'm mostly telling myself this as a reassurance, that being completely honest for a start wouldn't end this relationship I have with my father. If it did, oh well what can I do but move on as much as it would hurt me. I guess I'll always have the memories and at least some pictures to keep, to remind me that my father did love me in the only way he knew how...
Friday night, my mom (step) called me back since we didn't get to speak a few days prior when I called her. We spoke about the usual, school, work etc, and we got to the part about my visit this summer . June 7 will be my dad's birthday, and on that same day, my brother will be graduating from high school as well. I've known about this for a looong time so it was definite that I'm gonna be coming. We got to talking about where I'm gonna stay and since she mentioned a few other family members are going, I told her I might just stay at a hotel since my friend wants to come also, that friend being C-. We just talked more about the possibilities of staying at the house, or if not where would be a good area to get a hotel, etc. So throughout the talk, my mom knew that I'll be taking a guy friend with me. She knows I'm gay actually. They, being my brother and her, got into a conversation about it one time and somehow it came up and by brother told her that I was. My brother has known about it for years when I admitted to it back in 06 during the family reunion.
Three hours later as I was about to sleep, the phone rang and when I glanced over, saw that it was my dad. Figured I'll just pick up since we really don't stay that long on the phone. He just wanted to confirm since per what my mom told him, I was gonna be bringing a friend over, except that she left out that it was a guy. He asked me, What's her name? I said, Ummm, it's not a girl.. Kris, that doesn't make sense? You're bringing a friend over and it's not a girl? I tried to brush it off by saying that technically, I wasn't really bringing my friend home. He's never been to Cali and thought it'll be nice to visit. Seconds later, the question 'Are you straight?' came up. This whole time, I've said yes eventhough I knew that wasn't the truth.
But that night, something just shifted and I just kept silent which usually means a yes, does it not? He'd ask, and I wouldn't answer and he'd go Kris!!?? 'Yea, I'm here" Are you straight!? Silence...This went on three more times before the question changed. Are you gay? (nicer way than what he said) Silence... Kris!! Yep? Are you gay!? Silence... Kris!! Yep? I'm here.. Are you gay? I wasn't gonna say yes since I didn't like the word he used, so I replied 'What if I am?' I waited for his response and he told me he's just gonna go since he don't feel like talking anymore and hanged up. I sat there in the bed stunned, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.
I couldn't even cry. I was in shock. C- eventually came by my side since he overheard parts of the conversation. All I could utter was that I guess he finally knows.. Thirty minutes later, I ended up sending a text: Dad, I really don't know how else to tell you but yea, I'm gay. Sorry for having to tell you in a text but it'll do for now... Kris
Next day was a bit awful. C- had to go to work, and initially I thought I was fine. But I just had this antsy feeling that stayed with me. And when I was taking a shower, that's when it hit me. I thought I was really over with the people-pleasing but I realized that wasn't the case. I realized that I can't be completely be honest when I'm hiding who I was. He's always told me to always tell the truth, and be honest but how I can do that with everybody if I can't even do it with the person who tells me to do so. So in essence, I've lied. I've told only half-truths and left out bits and pieces since I thought it would upset people. I've told lies to protect others when i thought that they can't handle the truth. I guess I just got tired of it, having to hide the real person that I am. I'm aware that sometimes I have to do so to protect myself but with loved ones, it just felt that it didn't have to be that way. The whole side my mom's family knows and do they care, thankfully they don't. Though I'm aware that sometimes they think it's a loss since I won't be able to have kids and lead a normal life, but then what's normal these days?
One uncle that's religious, I was surprised that he took it pretty well. It just doesn't come up when I talk to him but I know that he knows, yet loves me the same. But then, how could he have not? What 13-yr old sings and dances to the Spice Girls around his family!? Certainly not I!! Haha. My cousin told me that she already knew since I came out of my mom's vajayjay. Silly girl. But really though, people have known since I was a kid. I used to think, Shit, how the fuck did they know!? There's this saying that went If one person calls you a horse, don't pay them too much mind. If two people calls you one, you better start paying attention. If three or more does, go look at a mirror and see if you do have hay hanging out of your mouth!
It's been a few days since that talk and I've yet to hear back from him. Am I scared? Yes, I worry that this will be the end of a relationship we started building on this past 6-7 years. Does that make me sad? Oh definitely it does. Eventhough he's never really been around, I do love my dad. I think it's silly how I can love someone that I've barely been around with in my 24 years of existence. I wish I don't love him but I do and I can't help it. I guess if he chose not to talk to me again, it'll be a loss on but what can I do? I'll have to honor his choice if that's what he wants. I just hope I don't focus on not getting love from him and not realize the love that's been all around me.
In a sense, I'm thankful that despite of him not being around, god or whatever you'd want to call it made sure I have other people to love and to love me back. Not because I'm special but simply just because. I'd like to think that I'm a good person in general and being gay doesn't make me a bad person. I'm mostly telling myself this as a reassurance, that being completely honest for a start wouldn't end this relationship I have with my father. If it did, oh well what can I do but move on as much as it would hurt me. I guess I'll always have the memories and at least some pictures to keep, to remind me that my father did love me in the only way he knew how...
30 March 2008
Control a Man
If you would have listened to Alexys, you would have known that you need to learn your man. But, I found a better way. I found something that can control him*. Got this as a gift for C- last week for his birthday. I think it went well after all. I'm not that great with giving gifts so pretty much got him the remote, a pair of Onitsuka Tiger shoes, and a box of Godiva chocolates. I saw the remote and I just laughed when I saw what the buttons are for.Then at noon, we got on a cruise that took us around the VA/DC area via the Potomac River. He's been talking about going on for the longest so figured I'll just take him on one instead. The cruise took about 2 1/2 hrs which was nice. We were stuffed! And all we had was a 3-course meal. It's crazy though how they charged for coffee. You'd think it'll be free at least but ah well.
After the cruise, we stopped by the mall and got an iMac. I made reservations at a Mexican restaurant but ended up cancelling but the cruise got us filled, and I doubt we would have been able to eat just yet. Went home for a bit then saw Run Fatboy Run later in the evening and called it a day after it was over. Well some of you have met them in person already (D-man , Rey, VUBOQ), and even spoken to him on the phone (mhs), and he said yes so I'm posting a pic of us both.
*I take debit cards and credit cards if you wanna get the remote
19 March 2008
Things to do list....
Stumbled upon this sheet of paper that a list was written down early 2007. It just kinda made me smile since I've yet to get all of them done, but that just shows I'll always be a work in progress..
1. Set up allotment for savings Got this started but things happened and spent it all
2.Organize/purge paper and folders Still have some here and there though organizing relaxes me weird as that might be, bringing order to my world I guess
3.Take out things not to be used anymore I was renting a room after having lived in a townhouse the previous year so trying to do with just the basics
4. Blog daily As some can attest, harder than it sounds
5.Look into going to school this March Went back to school June instead
6.Find someone who loves me Curious why I used present tense rather than 'who will love me'
7.Get medical appointment at Whitman I ended up going through a doctor I saw, WWC made me nervous for some reason
8.Apply for a consolidation loan ugh! how could I let this happen Paying it off still
9. Volunteer (change the world in a way) I have, and still doing so
10. Stay happy I succeed on some days
1. Set up allotment for savings Got this started but things happened and spent it all
2.
3.
4. Blog daily As some can attest, harder than it sounds
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. Volunteer (change the world in a way) I have, and still doing so
10. Stay happy I succeed on some days
Just wow...
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. And thank God for that."
13 March 2008
Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!
No no, I really didn't say that to anyone. Once you watch the video, maybe it'll make you laugh too! It's been almost a week since we went to NYC. My cousin who lives in Colorado flew to Jersey since her gf was there for a training. I haven't seen her since summer of 2006 after having gone to the Philippines for A funeral, that became two. It was nice to see her again. We got there a little bit after midnight last Friday since I was working the late shift and wouldn't get out 'til 8. I left an hour early though but the weather was bad, and having to stop by Petsmart to drop the dog off and all, we didn't hit the road 'til 9:30. C- drove because it's still a bit uncomfortable for me with the surgery and all.
We had to get signed in to the base and all, and just went straight to the hotel. It was fun just chilling with them, watching Lisa Lampanelli's show that I have on my iPod.
Saturday, had an early start since we were going to NYC. It took about an hour and a half each way since we had to drive to the train station, then catch the train from there that'll take us to Penn Station. Got to Penn, then transferred so we can go to Broadway to catch a show. We got there and walked down an avenue before finally asking someone and sure enough, we went the opposite way. It was raining really bad too, so our pants and shoes are pretty much soaked.
We saw Avenue Q which makes it the second time for C- and I. I really can't explain what the show is about since I tried and I sorta looked stupid. It's Sesame Street for adults, that's all I'm gonna say. The song on this video is from this play, and it definitely is true.. Schadenfreude!!! If they come to a city near you, make sure you check 'em out.
GARY COLEMAN: Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy
NICKY: I'll say.
GARY COLEMAN: And when I see how sad you are It sort of makes me...Happy!
NICKY: Happy?!
GARY COLEMAN: Sorry, Nicky, human nature-Nothing I can do! It's...Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you.
NICKY: Well that's not very nice, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN: I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it! D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?
NICKY: Yeah...
GARY COLEMAN: And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?
NICKY: Sure!
GARY COLEMAN: And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, Watching people out in the rain!
NICKY: You bet!
GARY COLEMAN: That's...
GARY AND NICKY: Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: People taking pleasure in your pain!
NICKY: Oh, Schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
GARY COLEMAN: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"
NICKY: "Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German! Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken
GARY COLEMAN: Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!
NICKY: Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"
GARY AND NICKY: "No!!!" Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: "Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"
NICKY: Ooh, how about... Straight-A students getting Bs?
GARY COLEMAN: Exes getting STDs!
NICKY: Waking doormen from their naps!
GARY COLEMAN: Watching tourists reading maps!
NICKY: Football players getting tackled!
GARY COLEMAN: CEOs getting shackled!
NICKY: Watching actors never reach
GARY AND NICKY: The ending of their oscar speech! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.
NICKY: Sure! We provide a vital service to society!
GARY AND NICKY: You and me! Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place...Making the world a better place...Making the world a better place... To be!
GARY COLEMAN: S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
After the play, we made our way out to Central Park. It was still lovely eventhough the skies are gray. Took a bunch of pics but cousin has the majority of 'em, I have some Then, we went to Ground Zero and tried to see where the WTC's used to be but alas, they started building on it so (T_T) Then, just went to Japan Town but they opted for Thai so I didn't get to go where Jon took me last time.. Boooo!!! I was seething for a bit but oh well, guess Kris can't have it all. The Thai place was okay, but I was there thinking "Great, I only come up here so often and I didn't get to eat what I wanted."
We walked around for a bit but it was too cold so we just went home. Didn't get to see the stores, no Muji, Uniqlo, NOTHING! The horrible weather messed it up a bit but oh well, I'm still glad we came though, as long as I got to spend time with my cousin, I'm okay.
Sunday, we went to Philly but same, cold and windy so opted to just go to the mall. Guess I'll come back again when it's warmer. Philly's lovely though, not the cheese steak but the city too :D I like South Street's vibe a lot, reminds me of Harajuku. We just went our separate ways after the mall, and I'm glad I didn't feel sad. I guess I just tried to enjoy the weekend for what it was and not think too much as to when I'll see my cousin again. It sucks sometimes, we're pretty much brothers and sisters except it's not official. Eventhough we didn't see each other until we were grown up, I loved her nonetheless. I was told she nicknamed me Poo-Poo when I was a baby. I lived with her and her parents when I moved to Florida, and that's when we became really close.
On the drive back, C- and I stopped at the Waffle House since there isn't any nearby the DC area. The closest one is a 45 min drive, and I'm not sure if I love it enough to drive that long... It was a good drive, just spent it talking about things. Times like this makes the way I feel about C- stronger, that sometimes it scares me. I wonder with not having bf before, it's not so much that I didn't not want to have one, but I'm realizing that it's being vulnerable to something outside myself that bothered me. For them to see through me and learn all my hopes and fears, the things I've gone through, and everything else that makes me me.
That's about it really. Aside from that, work's been good. Had some issues with my car, a nail got one of my tires and had to get it replaced. Took the place 5 days before they got it though, and that whole time I've had to drive using the spare one when I was told I should only drive a day. Nothing else to report though the time change makes me happy. It's nice that the sun lasts longer during the day, I need to get back to a routine like I used to. Get back to going to the gym, volunteer more like I used to.
We had to get signed in to the base and all, and just went straight to the hotel. It was fun just chilling with them, watching Lisa Lampanelli's show that I have on my iPod.
Saturday, had an early start since we were going to NYC. It took about an hour and a half each way since we had to drive to the train station, then catch the train from there that'll take us to Penn Station. Got to Penn, then transferred so we can go to Broadway to catch a show. We got there and walked down an avenue before finally asking someone and sure enough, we went the opposite way. It was raining really bad too, so our pants and shoes are pretty much soaked.
We saw Avenue Q which makes it the second time for C- and I. I really can't explain what the show is about since I tried and I sorta looked stupid. It's Sesame Street for adults, that's all I'm gonna say. The song on this video is from this play, and it definitely is true.. Schadenfreude!!! If they come to a city near you, make sure you check 'em out.
GARY COLEMAN: Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy
NICKY: I'll say.
GARY COLEMAN: And when I see how sad you are It sort of makes me...Happy!
NICKY: Happy?!
GARY COLEMAN: Sorry, Nicky, human nature-Nothing I can do! It's...Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you.
NICKY: Well that's not very nice, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN: I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it! D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?
NICKY: Yeah...
GARY COLEMAN: And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?
NICKY: Sure!
GARY COLEMAN: And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, Watching people out in the rain!
NICKY: You bet!
GARY COLEMAN: That's...
GARY AND NICKY: Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: People taking pleasure in your pain!
NICKY: Oh, Schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
GARY COLEMAN: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"
NICKY: "Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German! Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken
GARY COLEMAN: Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!
NICKY: Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"
GARY AND NICKY: "No!!!" Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: "Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"
NICKY: Ooh, how about... Straight-A students getting Bs?
GARY COLEMAN: Exes getting STDs!
NICKY: Waking doormen from their naps!
GARY COLEMAN: Watching tourists reading maps!
NICKY: Football players getting tackled!
GARY COLEMAN: CEOs getting shackled!
NICKY: Watching actors never reach
GARY AND NICKY: The ending of their oscar speech! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.
NICKY: Sure! We provide a vital service to society!
GARY AND NICKY: You and me! Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place...Making the world a better place...Making the world a better place... To be!
GARY COLEMAN: S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
After the play, we made our way out to Central Park. It was still lovely eventhough the skies are gray. Took a bunch of pics but cousin has the majority of 'em, I have some Then, we went to Ground Zero and tried to see where the WTC's used to be but alas, they started building on it so (T_T) Then, just went to Japan Town but they opted for Thai so I didn't get to go where Jon took me last time.. Boooo!!! I was seething for a bit but oh well, guess Kris can't have it all. The Thai place was okay, but I was there thinking "Great, I only come up here so often and I didn't get to eat what I wanted."
We walked around for a bit but it was too cold so we just went home. Didn't get to see the stores, no Muji, Uniqlo, NOTHING! The horrible weather messed it up a bit but oh well, I'm still glad we came though, as long as I got to spend time with my cousin, I'm okay.
Sunday, we went to Philly but same, cold and windy so opted to just go to the mall. Guess I'll come back again when it's warmer. Philly's lovely though, not the cheese steak but the city too :D I like South Street's vibe a lot, reminds me of Harajuku. We just went our separate ways after the mall, and I'm glad I didn't feel sad. I guess I just tried to enjoy the weekend for what it was and not think too much as to when I'll see my cousin again. It sucks sometimes, we're pretty much brothers and sisters except it's not official. Eventhough we didn't see each other until we were grown up, I loved her nonetheless. I was told she nicknamed me Poo-Poo when I was a baby. I lived with her and her parents when I moved to Florida, and that's when we became really close.
On the drive back, C- and I stopped at the Waffle House since there isn't any nearby the DC area. The closest one is a 45 min drive, and I'm not sure if I love it enough to drive that long... It was a good drive, just spent it talking about things. Times like this makes the way I feel about C- stronger, that sometimes it scares me. I wonder with not having bf before, it's not so much that I didn't not want to have one, but I'm realizing that it's being vulnerable to something outside myself that bothered me. For them to see through me and learn all my hopes and fears, the things I've gone through, and everything else that makes me me.
That's about it really. Aside from that, work's been good. Had some issues with my car, a nail got one of my tires and had to get it replaced. Took the place 5 days before they got it though, and that whole time I've had to drive using the spare one when I was told I should only drive a day. Nothing else to report though the time change makes me happy. It's nice that the sun lasts longer during the day, I need to get back to a routine like I used to. Get back to going to the gym, volunteer more like I used to.
06 March 2008
You must begin wherever you are....
Soon enough, I'm hoping to put a blog up of sayings, meditations, and quotations that I've come across and liked through the years. I have a box full of them and have yet to actually type 'em up but will start on it soon. Err, I write down who said which though, hopefully they won't try to sue me :) Some just touches me, and some serves as a reminder when I start to forget the things that matter.
If you are waiting for something to happen before you begin what you want to do, it will never happen. If you are waiting to get something before you do what you say what you want to do, you will never get started. If you are waiting for the right time, the right person, the right circumstances, you could be waiting forever. How about this, what can you do right now? Can you write a letter? Make a call? Finish a plan? Structure a goal? Can you pick a name? Paint a wall? Ask a question? Sweep a floor? Can you structure a schedule? Can you project a date? Can you fulfill a promise? Can you read a book? Can you stop doing all the things you do that keep you from doing the one thing you want to do? Can you pray? Can you sing? Can you dance right where you are? Whatever you can do, you better do it now. Now is all you have to work with.
-Iyanla Vanzant
Acts of Faith
If you are waiting for something to happen before you begin what you want to do, it will never happen. If you are waiting to get something before you do what you say what you want to do, you will never get started. If you are waiting for the right time, the right person, the right circumstances, you could be waiting forever. How about this, what can you do right now? Can you write a letter? Make a call? Finish a plan? Structure a goal? Can you pick a name? Paint a wall? Ask a question? Sweep a floor? Can you structure a schedule? Can you project a date? Can you fulfill a promise? Can you read a book? Can you stop doing all the things you do that keep you from doing the one thing you want to do? Can you pray? Can you sing? Can you dance right where you are? Whatever you can do, you better do it now. Now is all you have to work with.
-Iyanla Vanzant
Acts of Faith
04 March 2008
On a pastel ward...
I'm finally back to work yesterday after taking the previous week off. As some of you know, I had a surgery done somewhere *blush. It was an outpatient surgery done back on Monday and I spent pretty much the whole week at the house, only stepping out on Friday to go to class.
I wish I can say I have a big thunk, maybe just a little bit. Just being still made me think about things, things I've said and done to people which really aren't the nicest.
It's been a long time since I've actually gone to the hospital. I used to go in a lot when I was younger since I was an accident-prone kid. Breaking my arm after falling off of a tree, my leg when my hand slipped on a monkey bar, bitten by a dog, you name it. Guess I wasn't as good of a kid as I thought. I used to get into all sorts of stuff, well that's only coz I liked to play a lot. Maybe I should get back and try to find activities to do now that I'm older... Playing sure made me forget, even for just a bit, that maybe, what was happening was just temporary and not gonna last forever. It's crazy the things one's mind can remember.
The most major accident I had was when I think I was 6!? We were making balls out of mud and throwing it against the wall and taking them right off and do the same thing. To get to the wall though, we had to get up maybe two feet with a ledge of maybe 3 inches. There's this pointy metal sticks that served as a fence. You can actually see it in the background of this picture right nya. I got on the ledge (which was a bit wet) and as I was trying to get the mud off the wall, my foot slipped and my head went straight into the metal fence, right through my chin and piercing through my tongue as well. I guess my body went right into shock, because to this day, I don't remember the pain. It was a bit hazy after wards, I don't remember even having any energy to get myself out. My cousin had to lift my head up to get me out of the fence.
During that time, my mom was told of what happened and she just yanked me and carried me and started running to get a cab. I remember her carrying me and with my face right on her shoulder, I recall the blood gushing out my mouth/chin. I don't remember anything else after getting to the hospital. I recall having to stay there for a while as to how long, I do not know. I had problem eating since the saliva would build up, or even talking since I'd start drooling. Sometimes I wonder if that might have been why I have a bit of a lisp.
Anyway, I just felt the need to tell that story. When I told my mom Sunday that I was gonna get surgery Monday, she started crying since she wanted to be there. I told her not to worry about it since she had work anyways, and it'll just be a minor one. She is such a dramatic actress haha. I can see where she's coming from though. At least now, I have C-. He took some days off so he can just stay home and take care of me. I really appreciated that, and I hope he can feel it. Well I sent him a text just now so he'd actually know.
Things have been crazy since mid-January as some of you who I've talked to is aware. I'd rather not elaborate on it, but I've hurt people I love without realizing it. I think I get overwhelmed with emotions sometimes that I don't know what to do with it. For the most part, I've been happier than I used to be or I'd like to think so. I don't pray any longer for someone to love since he showed up in my life. I remember just wanting to have somebody to share things with, to do different things with, to go to places with. And now that he's here, I'm thinking just like that life!? I just met him for something to eat and here we are almost nine months later!? Sometimes I forget that good things happen simply because I deserve it. I need to stop racking my brains out trying to find reasons that I don't deserve something. Because honestly I really do. I underestimate myself too much and it's got to stop! I guess I got used to going through things by myself that it's taking some getting used to for me to open up, and talk about what's bothering me, or just talk about how my day was. For C-, I'm really grateful...
Anyway, I should be getting back to work now. Oh, I also got to see the Spice Girls on the 28th of Feb. Mannn, that was amazing to finally see them in the flesh. Something I've been wanting since I was 14/15 yrs old. I guess I'll never outgrow them. They take out the girl in me haha. I was dancing around during the show, and to think I was sober doing it too. But it's kinda funny how almost everybody knew the steps, it was a riot :D I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ah!!!
It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
I wish I can say I have a big thunk, maybe just a little bit. Just being still made me think about things, things I've said and done to people which really aren't the nicest.
It's been a long time since I've actually gone to the hospital. I used to go in a lot when I was younger since I was an accident-prone kid. Breaking my arm after falling off of a tree, my leg when my hand slipped on a monkey bar, bitten by a dog, you name it. Guess I wasn't as good of a kid as I thought. I used to get into all sorts of stuff, well that's only coz I liked to play a lot. Maybe I should get back and try to find activities to do now that I'm older... Playing sure made me forget, even for just a bit, that maybe, what was happening was just temporary and not gonna last forever. It's crazy the things one's mind can remember.
The most major accident I had was when I think I was 6!? We were making balls out of mud and throwing it against the wall and taking them right off and do the same thing. To get to the wall though, we had to get up maybe two feet with a ledge of maybe 3 inches. There's this pointy metal sticks that served as a fence. You can actually see it in the background of this picture right nya. I got on the ledge (which was a bit wet) and as I was trying to get the mud off the wall, my foot slipped and my head went straight into the metal fence, right through my chin and piercing through my tongue as well. I guess my body went right into shock, because to this day, I don't remember the pain. It was a bit hazy after wards, I don't remember even having any energy to get myself out. My cousin had to lift my head up to get me out of the fence.During that time, my mom was told of what happened and she just yanked me and carried me and started running to get a cab. I remember her carrying me and with my face right on her shoulder, I recall the blood gushing out my mouth/chin. I don't remember anything else after getting to the hospital. I recall having to stay there for a while as to how long, I do not know. I had problem eating since the saliva would build up, or even talking since I'd start drooling. Sometimes I wonder if that might have been why I have a bit of a lisp.
Anyway, I just felt the need to tell that story. When I told my mom Sunday that I was gonna get surgery Monday, she started crying since she wanted to be there. I told her not to worry about it since she had work anyways, and it'll just be a minor one. She is such a dramatic actress haha. I can see where she's coming from though. At least now, I have C-. He took some days off so he can just stay home and take care of me. I really appreciated that, and I hope he can feel it. Well I sent him a text just now so he'd actually know.
Things have been crazy since mid-January as some of you who I've talked to is aware. I'd rather not elaborate on it, but I've hurt people I love without realizing it. I think I get overwhelmed with emotions sometimes that I don't know what to do with it. For the most part, I've been happier than I used to be or I'd like to think so. I don't pray any longer for someone to love since he showed up in my life. I remember just wanting to have somebody to share things with, to do different things with, to go to places with. And now that he's here, I'm thinking just like that life!? I just met him for something to eat and here we are almost nine months later!? Sometimes I forget that good things happen simply because I deserve it. I need to stop racking my brains out trying to find reasons that I don't deserve something. Because honestly I really do. I underestimate myself too much and it's got to stop! I guess I got used to going through things by myself that it's taking some getting used to for me to open up, and talk about what's bothering me, or just talk about how my day was. For C-, I'm really grateful...
Anyway, I should be getting back to work now. Oh, I also got to see the Spice Girls on the 28th of Feb. Mannn, that was amazing to finally see them in the flesh. Something I've been wanting since I was 14/15 yrs old. I guess I'll never outgrow them. They take out the girl in me haha. I was dancing around during the show, and to think I was sober doing it too. But it's kinda funny how almost everybody knew the steps, it was a riot :D I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ah!!!
It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
21 February 2008
One day only
The blog looks the way it was years ago. My settings got really screwy so will use this in the meantime until I have more time to fix it.
In light of the concert I'm going to tonight, I'm putting this up again for just today.. I'm gonna see the Spice Goils *grins Yes!!! 11 yrs and it's finally happening. It's okay.. You can laugh... Girl power!
As promised to D-man, a vid I made singing and dancing to the SG hehe! It's all for fun *grins....
In light of the concert I'm going to tonight, I'm putting this up again for just today.. I'm gonna see the Spice Goils *grins Yes!!! 11 yrs and it's finally happening. It's okay.. You can laugh... Girl power!
As promised to D-man, a vid I made singing and dancing to the SG hehe! It's all for fun *grins....
20 February 2008
#^@%!!!
I deleted the layout that I had by accident and now, I don't have a link to a single blog I like. Trying to get this back like it was...
Update:
Yeah!!! Thanks to Dessie, I got a snapshot of how it looked like. Just a matter of copying and pasting... Someone needs to learn html
Update:
Yeah!!! Thanks to Dessie, I got a snapshot of how it looked like. Just a matter of copying and pasting... Someone needs to learn html
05 February 2008
Quit while you're a head!!
I'm feeling better now, and watching this video certainly helped :D I told this at work and good thing my coworkers found it funny.
04 February 2008
Random things (not any better than last)
Posting the pics of me wearing the jackets that I bought. I'm leaning more with the leather since it could go with dress and casual clothes. And this whole time, all I was trying to find is a water-proof jacket. Maybe I'll just get a rain coat! But D-man, here goes as you requested. I'm probably keeping the leather one. Whatcha guys think?
I guess this is how life works sometimes. Thursday went well as I caught up with a friend I haven't seen in a loong time, then it just went downhill from there. I'm a bit better than I was over the weekend. Friday just turned really shitty than I can't hold things in anymore. With the whole telling the dad thing, it just felt like I had to tell him that night. I could have waited til he actually picked up but I didn't. I ended up calling a fellow blogger, as to what i don't remember. I think I just needed to hear a friendly voice. I get in the dumps and it sucks I don't have a friend close by I can just go to. All I have here are acquaintances, and all the folks I'm good friends, they're either in Florida, Cali, Washington or Idaho.
But yeah, during our talk, I had to go to the bathroom really bad and instead of hanging up, I tried to do two things at once. Alas, my cell fell in the toilet and hasn't worked since. I'm waiting on a new one from AT&T that should arrive tomorrow. Here I was thinking I didn't need the insurance. Oh, when you call for a replacement for whatever reason, did you guys know you have to pay a deductible? I certainly didn't but they charge you $50 for doing so. They'll be sending me a Sony w580i since I have an older version of it I got two years ago.
But yea, that's about it really. Didn't do a whole lot Sunday, was on the computer mostly discovering new music, and reading Alice in Wonderland. Never got to read it or watch the movie though the quotations I've come across sounded interesting soo yea, that's about it.
Good thing I didn't get an iPhone yesterday as I was planning to, and spent all that money. An issue came up with the mom, and right now I'm not really happy with her. I've been telling her to go back to Florida but she won't listen, but after what happened today, she said crying that she might just have to. I doubt she will though. She'd say all this stuff trying to make me feel better, with someone moving in at the spare room at their apartment (my old one) so the rent will be less, that she's trying to find a full-time job, I tell her where to go but all she listens to are her Filipino friends. Maybe I haven't helped her as much as I could... We get into fights about this, that I'm not doing enough for her as a son. I say that I can only do so much, but she still has this mentality that I'm gonna help until the end. I'm just angry right now, and had to vent somewhere so derrr...
I guess this is how life works sometimes. Thursday went well as I caught up with a friend I haven't seen in a loong time, then it just went downhill from there. I'm a bit better than I was over the weekend. Friday just turned really shitty than I can't hold things in anymore. With the whole telling the dad thing, it just felt like I had to tell him that night. I could have waited til he actually picked up but I didn't. I ended up calling a fellow blogger, as to what i don't remember. I think I just needed to hear a friendly voice. I get in the dumps and it sucks I don't have a friend close by I can just go to. All I have here are acquaintances, and all the folks I'm good friends, they're either in Florida, Cali, Washington or Idaho.
But yeah, during our talk, I had to go to the bathroom really bad and instead of hanging up, I tried to do two things at once. Alas, my cell fell in the toilet and hasn't worked since. I'm waiting on a new one from AT&T that should arrive tomorrow. Here I was thinking I didn't need the insurance. Oh, when you call for a replacement for whatever reason, did you guys know you have to pay a deductible? I certainly didn't but they charge you $50 for doing so. They'll be sending me a Sony w580i since I have an older version of it I got two years ago.
But yea, that's about it really. Didn't do a whole lot Sunday, was on the computer mostly discovering new music, and reading Alice in Wonderland. Never got to read it or watch the movie though the quotations I've come across sounded interesting soo yea, that's about it.
Good thing I didn't get an iPhone yesterday as I was planning to, and spent all that money. An issue came up with the mom, and right now I'm not really happy with her. I've been telling her to go back to Florida but she won't listen, but after what happened today, she said crying that she might just have to. I doubt she will though. She'd say all this stuff trying to make me feel better, with someone moving in at the spare room at their apartment (my old one) so the rent will be less, that she's trying to find a full-time job, I tell her where to go but all she listens to are her Filipino friends. Maybe I haven't helped her as much as I could... We get into fights about this, that I'm not doing enough for her as a son. I say that I can only do so much, but she still has this mentality that I'm gonna help until the end. I'm just angry right now, and had to vent somewhere so derrr...
02 February 2008
Hate me... (WARNING: Moping)
Well my brother told me sometime during our talk last week that my stepmom already knows about me being gay. He said she really didn't care which made me glad. I've never spoken to her about it but I'm sure she had ideas. Last night, I ended up going out to a bar when all I wanted to do was just stay home and rest. I was at the bar for a good 2-3 hours, and called it a night. It was fun, talked to some new folks and ran into a bunch of guys I hang out with when I just moved here. They'd have this parties and this one guy that I met invited me, with me not knowing anybody in the city. Anyway, I met this one woman named Mary and this whole time, she was asking one of the guys where I was. Mary and I really hit it off. She's this 50-something woman that's like a ball of energy, I loved her that night. But yea, I got one of the guys' number so will call them and maybe stop by where they work. I'm glad she remembers me.
Anyway, as I was saying, I ended up calling my dad on my way to the car just saying I was glad that they got the CD I sent them, and that all's well, amongst other things. Right towards the end of the vmail, I said something along these lines: "I went Ummm, Dad Oh yea, there's something that I should tell you. Ummm, I'm gay. But yea, that's about it really. I just thought you should know. So yea, just call me sometime."
I texted my bro and told him I ended up telling my dad through voicemail. He said I probably should have waited until I ACTUALLY was talking to him, but later on he texted that everything will be okay. I was planning to tell my dad before January ended but didn't get around to it. I got really, really close when he asked me who I was living with if it was neither my old roommates nor my mom.
Right now, I just have all these mixed emotions. Scared, excited, lonely, just all these emotions. I feel like I'm just wading through the days, not knowing what to do. With things in my life, you think I'd be happy. Have a good job I just started early January, have a bf, my mom's here, but I don't know, it just doesn't seem enough. It feels like there's just this empty spot that I cannot fill. I thought I love myself already but I actually have yet to get there. I really thought I did, granted I feel better about myself than I used to, but I guess I don't love me completely. I really wish I can integrate what other people see in me and the way that I see myself. They see this good, funny, smart kid and I'm probably some of those things, but when I look at the mirror, I don't see any of those things. I just see me, and that's it. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I don't see myself like others do, maybe it helps to keep my feet on the ground or it's a curse that I can't see the good in me.
Am I still seeking my dad's love and approval after all this time? I really don't know. I thought I was past that but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I think I turned out okay with the things I've seen and done for 24 years. I don't think about it much. Things happened and that's just life you know!? Do I wish it was different? Sometimes I do from time to time. I just wonder... How it would have been if I grew up in the States? If I grew up in a sane environment? It wasn't that great but the family loved me, but it just didn't seem enough. There's this sad feeling that I just didn't belong as much as I want to. I felt like an outsider just looking in. I know that the family loves me but sometimes the things you were told kinda stays stuck in my head. My mom told me once that my grandma was just helping us out of pity. And granted that I felt her love, it's just in the back of my mind whether she really loves me or not.
I have this anger that I'm not sure what's stemming from. I'm a good, happy, go-lucky guy most of the times, and yet if someone does something not right in my eye, I'm just about to bite their head off. I took out my mom to the movies Thursday night, and I got really frustrated since when were trying to get something to eat, she seriously considered not eating since she didn't know what to get. I was just there thinking, how the fuck is this possible!? I sensed this rage just coming from within and I had to step out just not to be around her even for a few seconds.
I want love but at the same time, I don't. I'll do things to make people love me, and once they do, it seems like I just don't want it anymore. When I feel that people love me, I'll try to make them hate me. As if I'm asking them, "Can you love me a little less please?" I just want to be left alone, maybe I wouldn't feel bad because there won't be anyone I can do these things to.
I'm forgetting what matters....
Anyway, as I was saying, I ended up calling my dad on my way to the car just saying I was glad that they got the CD I sent them, and that all's well, amongst other things. Right towards the end of the vmail, I said something along these lines: "I went Ummm, Dad Oh yea, there's something that I should tell you. Ummm, I'm gay. But yea, that's about it really. I just thought you should know. So yea, just call me sometime."
I texted my bro and told him I ended up telling my dad through voicemail. He said I probably should have waited until I ACTUALLY was talking to him, but later on he texted that everything will be okay. I was planning to tell my dad before January ended but didn't get around to it. I got really, really close when he asked me who I was living with if it was neither my old roommates nor my mom.
Right now, I just have all these mixed emotions. Scared, excited, lonely, just all these emotions. I feel like I'm just wading through the days, not knowing what to do. With things in my life, you think I'd be happy. Have a good job I just started early January, have a bf, my mom's here, but I don't know, it just doesn't seem enough. It feels like there's just this empty spot that I cannot fill. I thought I love myself already but I actually have yet to get there. I really thought I did, granted I feel better about myself than I used to, but I guess I don't love me completely. I really wish I can integrate what other people see in me and the way that I see myself. They see this good, funny, smart kid and I'm probably some of those things, but when I look at the mirror, I don't see any of those things. I just see me, and that's it. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I don't see myself like others do, maybe it helps to keep my feet on the ground or it's a curse that I can't see the good in me.
Am I still seeking my dad's love and approval after all this time? I really don't know. I thought I was past that but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I think I turned out okay with the things I've seen and done for 24 years. I don't think about it much. Things happened and that's just life you know!? Do I wish it was different? Sometimes I do from time to time. I just wonder... How it would have been if I grew up in the States? If I grew up in a sane environment? It wasn't that great but the family loved me, but it just didn't seem enough. There's this sad feeling that I just didn't belong as much as I want to. I felt like an outsider just looking in. I know that the family loves me but sometimes the things you were told kinda stays stuck in my head. My mom told me once that my grandma was just helping us out of pity. And granted that I felt her love, it's just in the back of my mind whether she really loves me or not.
I have this anger that I'm not sure what's stemming from. I'm a good, happy, go-lucky guy most of the times, and yet if someone does something not right in my eye, I'm just about to bite their head off. I took out my mom to the movies Thursday night, and I got really frustrated since when were trying to get something to eat, she seriously considered not eating since she didn't know what to get. I was just there thinking, how the fuck is this possible!? I sensed this rage just coming from within and I had to step out just not to be around her even for a few seconds.
I want love but at the same time, I don't. I'll do things to make people love me, and once they do, it seems like I just don't want it anymore. When I feel that people love me, I'll try to make them hate me. As if I'm asking them, "Can you love me a little less please?" I just want to be left alone, maybe I wouldn't feel bad because there won't be anyone I can do these things to.
I'm forgetting what matters....
31 January 2008
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