I'm learning to dance again

It's one thing to read about things, but to actually go through it is something else. I like reading self-help books and I have this one book which got chewed on by the dogs. Of course, I'll have to get a new one. One that I have is Until Today and it has some passages that strike a chord in me and thought I'd share.

We have all done something that has caused someone pain or discomfort. Often, we are aware of the consequences of our actions. Then there are those times when we don't have a clue about what we've done until someone brings it to our attention. When they do, we feel bad. We believe that we must forever be indebted to the people who have been the victims of our thoughtlessness, negligence, or abuse.
You cannot see people as victims of something you have done. If you do, they will allow you to continue to feel bad. You cannot see people as victims of who you were or of who you are. If you do, you are declaring yourself to be more powerful than you have a right to be in anyone's life. Seeing someone as your victim says that you are somehow responsible for what people believe and do. Thinking this way or feeling this way is going to cause you a tremendous amount of grief unnecessarily!
Regardless of the impact your actions have on anyone, they are not your victim! Think of it this way: we are all dancers in the ballroom of life. Some of us are accomplished dancers. Some of us can't find the beat. When you ask someone to dance, they, not you, choose whether or not they will dance with you. If you step on their toes, ask for forgiveness. Don't buy them a new pair of shoes! If the experience leaves them with the impression that life is not worth dancing, ask for forgiveness. Do not spend the rest of your life trying to force them to dance again. You have no victims! Ask for forgiveness. Make amends if you can. Then, waltz away.
Until today, you have may have believed that you would be forever indebted to others. Just for today, acknowledge those times that you have been thoughtless, negligent or abusive to others. Forgive yourself. Ask for forgiveness and then continue to dance.

Until Today by
Iyanla Vanzant

It's not as easy...

Counting down the days and my mom's gonnabe moving in at our apartment. We're renting a 2-BR, and rather than renting it out to a stranger, my mom will be our housemate. I initially was against it after what went on last summer but I think she's in a completely different place now. She's adjusted living here in the States, and has fully accepted C-. Not that she had any problems with me being gay, it was more of fear that I won't love her as much like I used to which is silly. As much as I'd like to think I don't, my actions says otherwise as one blogger friend puts it.

The apartment is nearing completion, will have to post some pictures up. We got a mirror to go above the couch but not sure how we'll keep it in place so it might be a bit heavy. The living room turned out nice I'd have to say. C- has this head of a buddha that seriously freaks me out after having read Queen of the Damned. Good thing it's not visible when you're watching TV so it'll be alright.

Things are slowly going back to the way it used to be. Something happened that I felt didn't need to be written about here but let's just say my capacity to forgive isn't as easy as I'd hoped. I'll admit I have a hard time forgiving others, let alone myself and what transpired really bothered me. Granted I'm partly responsible for what happened, but still. I'm trying to put it all behind but then, fear would rear its head in and makes me second guess my decision. Either you trust or you don't. And as much I'd like to think I do, having doubts says otherwise. It'll take work but I want to be the Kris I used to be, and trusted completely.

Anyway, we were supposed to see Adele tonight but her show got cancelled. Funny how this ticket outlets work. Paid $53 with the "convenience fees" and such, yet you only get the face value back. But then like I'd stop seeing live shows haha.

Oh, over the weekend, we went with our neighbor to a scavenger hunt but ended up getting sidetracked while in Georgetown. If you find yourself in the area, make sure you stop by Georgetown Cupcake. GD, granted the cupcake's $2.75 each, they are HEAVENLY. You can't not smile after having a Chocolate C2 if you love chocolate.

Well, got tasked to pick up a system so gotta run now. Bye!

Ce Jue!?

I have NO clue what she's singing about but I think I'm gonna go see her live...yes?

Can you imagine!!?

If I would have graduated in 1954...



















and in 1960...



















and 1970 :D

Six Feet Under

To anyone who loves this show or want to own it, Best Buy is selling each season for $19.99. Granted it would be nice to buy the whole series in one box, I checked even at Amazon and it runs around $212 for the gift set, then factor in shipping and handling. Your local Best Buy might have it too so you can make a stop there.

I haven't watched the whole series but loved the ones I've seen so far. There's 3500 minutes of my life :D The show makes me think though, and makes me appreciate being alive more. Though of course, time I could be spending 'living' I'm gonnabe 'watching.' Such an irony haha.

Is it true what they say....

Okay, our neighbor said that a pet sooner or later takes after its owner. She said I look like ours. I've gotten this a few times when I happen to be out and about. Do you think that's true!? The dog's cute so I guess that works haha.

Back to woik

It's Monday and I'm back at our DC office once again. My coworker's in training so I'm subbing for her. I don't mind since it's nice to get away from th e main office and work here where it's a lot more laid back and I kinda do my own thing.

C- was actually gone last week since he went to Chicago to visit his family. Birthday was good, I got an iPhone and we went to a Korean BBQ for dinner. I had a previous post about it but felt it was too emotional so took it down. My mom had me pick a Kenneth Cole shoes, and I went with this style, was told it looks like my shoes got rained on haha but it's too late to return it now.

Thursday, I stopped by my mom's work so I can pick her up and take her to the next one. It was fun, we had a good laugh. We stopped by Rita's Ice and got some custards, yum. We got to talking about relationships and I got custard all over my face because of what she said. It was about our neighbors in the Philippines, and how the mom while crying said "Can you fulfill the need in me?" to her kids about her staying with their dad. It was just funny in Tagalog.. One of those things you had to be there, damnit!

Sunday, we ended up having dinner with this couple that live in our complex, and the girl's sister. They invited me few nights ago for dinner since they knew that C- was gone, and she said she know that it gets lonely when your bf's away. It was nice, we had shishkabob's, and some drinks. Then we let the dogs play for a while. Caeden and their dog look almost identical so he's like Caeden's big brother. We had a talk for a while too, touching on different things. Relationships, work, food, Don't ask, don't tell in the military which is partly why I got out when my time was up.

That's about it really. I interviewed for a job two weeks ago but didn't hear back so guess that's a no go. Ah well, if it wasn't meant to be, it's not gonna happen. That's about it really, some other things happened but best to not talk about it here :)

Makes me wanna get a cat

more cat pictures

24 years and 6 months ago...

that this picture was taken. If you click the pic, it'll take you to my flickr page which has pics from the time I was a baby up until now, when I turn 25.

Because you hungry, you hungry!!

It looks like these commercials came out a year ago but I just saw it today. Go meat!!

It's all in the lighting...

Where the computer desk goes MAKES a difference as to how you look on cam. I'm not liking where it is right now since it's far from the sunlight. Look at the previous ones, and this, singing along to 'I Think I Need A New Heart' by The Magnetic Fields.

The Magnetic Fields

Yay, I got tickets to The Magnetic Fields concert!! I waited too long when it went on sale Tuesday, and now got terrace seats but oh well, I'll still get to see them :D Some of you might know, perhaps even have seen them live, but they're known for their 69 Love Songs. That CD made me want to learn to play the guitar, granted I bought one, I have yet to learn to play. I think I might have to find a teacher rather than trying to learn it from a DVD.

It was actually one of their songs that the name of this blog came from. I really didn't think I was gonna keep that name, but yet three years later, it's still around.

Time stands still
All I can feel is the time standing still

as you put down the keys and say don't call me please
while the radio plays

"I Think I Need a New Heart" ohhh
"I Think I Need a New Heart" ohhh

You've lied too but it's a sin that I
can't tell the truth
cause it all comes out wrong unless I put it in a song
so the radio plays "I Think I Need a New Heart"
just for you "I Think I Need a New Heart"

cause I always say I love you when I mean turn out the light
and I say let's run away when I just mean stay the night
but the words you want to hear you will never hear from me

I'll never say "happy anniversary"
never stay to say "happy anniversary"

so I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
Give me time

Weekend update

Well, I'm here in the DC office this week since my coworker's on vacation. One day down, and I actually like it so far. It just feels more laid back since I'm the only IT person here the issues that has come up haven't been that difficult.

So the weekend... Friday night, we ended up having my mom and her friend over for dinner. They brought some Peruvian meal which was good. We just sat on the floor since we're not using the dining table and watched Takeshi's Castle which I've enjoyed watching since I was a kid. One of the things that made me want to live in Japan. I mean where else can you see this type a game show these days. Never fails to crack me up...



Saturday, we made our rounds to some stores trying to pick out some things for the apartment. The bedroom's been painted, bathroom's done with matching shower curtains, rugs, etc. The only thing left is the living room. Spend most of the day doing that really, then in the evening met up with this one couple we've e-mailed with in the past few weeks for dinner at Thai Chili. It was nice, spent it mostly talking and laughing, getting to know each other. Us four balanced each other out it looks like, you've got 2 introverts and 2 extroverts. We touched up on different topics, relationships, psychology, coming out, etc so it was interesting. We've talked about getting together again so hopefully that happens soon since at times, when I meet people online, we make plans that never materialiaze so that sucks but ah well. After that, we just went home and started watching Be Kind Rewind. It was alright, didn't like it much so I went to bed 20 minutes in.

Sunday, did the same really. Went to some stores yet again to get things for the apartment which is turning out good, I'd have to say. We finished painting one wall of the living room and put up the 'entertainment area' as well. What you see in the picture is actually the blue we painted it with, then will finish the other ones with brown as shown. Just debating with the couch now. We initially were gonna get Kramfors but considering Karlstad. They don't have it in khaki or tan so will probably go with the blue one, same as the wall color. Either that, or maybe the light blue-gray Kramforms. Thinking about getting a wireless surround sound since C- thinks the wires would be bothersome. Anyone who has wireless ones? How's that experience?

Guess that's it for now, heading home shortly. Take care!

Flashback

My friend e-mailed this to me last week. It took a second before it registered that it was me on the pic early '06, after moving to VA two months prior.

All moved

Well, I'm back at work today after taking yesterday off. We got everything moved so glad about that, it'll be a matter of unpacking now and trying to find a place for things. We bought paints for the rooms yesterday and I just found out, after calling C-, that he has started painting already. Funny how we went right at it, sometimes I had to tell him to take it slow since we'll have a year to get it together. I know the sooner the better, but still...

That's the main thing really. Will post some pics up when I take some.. Aside from that, I'm doing early shift once again. I'm working 6:30 - 3 from now on so will need to adjust my sleeping schedule a bit, not that I ever had any :D So hmm, not sure if I'll put the job search on hold. Some folks called and wants to set up an interview so will see. I hate those things but there's no getting around it.

Oh, the prez signed the new GI Bill so yayyy, glad when I read that. It'll help a lot since right now, if you're using it, schools won't really give you any additional aid so it's like what the french toast!? It's kinda the same if I had not joined then..

Will have to go by the DMV since I can't find my license. I've looked everywhere I can think of and nothing, hopefully it's not too busy. So that's it in a nutshell, some other happened that I really won't elaborate on but I wasn't a nice guy for a brief time over the weekend, and then, became Woe-is-me for something that was said. Crazy how few words or actions can trigger things...

We also watched Wall-E, and it was great! Pixar sure makes some good movies. Check it out if you can! That's it, running to a meeting now.

Got a place

*Ugh, the power went out here at work, thank god I didn't lose my post*

Whew, the week's almost over and it's a good thing we have a place to move to. The lease to where we live now ends this Sunday so need to make sure that everything's moved out by then. This past few days, I've actually left for work 3-4 hrs early so I can stop by some properties to take a look at what they have for rent. Some I did like but the prices just seemed to be a bit too much. Granted it'll be nice but I don't think I'm gonna sleep any better paying for a more expensive place. Oh yeah, the place we were moving to was the one I mentioned in the previous post. We initially didn't like the floor plan but with the apartment not coming through, we went with this. We might have to just get rid of the dining table and get bar stools instead but will see. Ikea here we gooo!

Our main concern is the space really. At the moment, we're living in a studio...C-, the dog (Caeden) and I. This past year has really been an adjustment period for us. It took me longer to sorta let go of how I like things to be. I didn't realize how set I was in doing things a certain way which it looks like can be difficult for others. Anywho, we're getting a 2-BR this time so excited about that. It's not definite yet as to what we'll do with the 2nd room. Keep it as a guest room (if we can afford to), or rent it out to a stranger, or even to my mom (Carlos' idea) so that we can have more home-cooked meals. We can have a trial period I suppose and depending how that goes, she can either stay or go. He's open to it though I'm the one really giving it some thought. I guess with there being separate bedrooms, I can go to the room and lock it if they're a bit too much hahaha. They get along really great now so am glad about that. He likes taking her out and having her get a make over. Did I mention she got her haircut pretty much above her shoulders!? The shortest she's ever cut it in a lifetime, her being 48 and all.

I was a bit stressed out with this job. There's been an audit going on, and I got interviewed twice for what seemed like an eternity. I really didn't have answers to some of their questions, usually except that 'this is what I was shown how things are done when I started here' which is true in a sense. Granted I'm partly at fault for not finding things that I can improve on but bleh. I'm administering a program I've never heard of until working here. D-man knows of my saga of almost quitting two weeks after I started. Anywho, the contracting world is crrrazy. I'm dealing with it first hand as far as outside companies bidding on it and all that good stuff.

Pretty much in a nutshell, I'm with XY company, working for XX. XX put the slots up for bidding, so now, YZ, ZZ and all other companies are bidding on the contract. So other companies could win, but instead of working for XY, I'll work for the winning company if they take me on board, but still work for XX. I haaate it. I've applied to some government and county jobs, and the wait for that lol. It'll probably be next year before I hear back heehee. I can always fall back to being a Spice Girl *grins

Maybe I'll put an ad just to test if folks would hire me as a PA. Hmmm, I'm organized, I'll get your shizz in order, and would it help I'm size 11? It's big so I can kick your ass to keep you in line. Big feet makes a difference. Or I can be a stripper. Don't laugh, my mom knows I've wanted to be one since I was young. Ah dreams, must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want... Sure beats doing it! LOL, things I learn from Strangers with Candy.

Like a wise saying from "Doctor" Iris Puffybush..."Dreams are a great thing, but y'know something, they take a lot of energy. But that's OK. There's a job waiting for you down the block from your house that doesn't require a thought in your head or a hope in your heart. So come on down and work for the artificial flower factory. Why fight it? Okay? Thank you." If I can find that job, I'd be set!!!

That's about it really. I have yet to take exams and stuff for my distance learning classes. I'm seriously considering dropping them since I can't learn like that, I learn in a classroom environment better. I like the interaction with the teacher better, and hearing stories about things they've seen and done.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?

I discovered this band through my friend, and I sure do love some of their songs. A vid I made when I'm bored, pardon the "mic" haha :) Though make sure to read the lyrics, it actually has a good message...



Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

Almost midnight

Wow, I mixed pineapple and bourbon and I'm feeling it now. I wanted to get a buzz since I only drink here and there and miss the warmth it gives my body. Things have been alright for the most part....

It's not definite whether our contract at work will get renewed or what, so I put out my resume to get a feel of the responses. People have called so guess that's a relief. I have yet to call any back but wrote all their information down already. I applied to some county and government jobs though I know those will take a while. Keeping my hopes up since those are more stable than contract positions. With the current job, I didn't know the contract was up for rebidding this Sept, if I had known, I'm not sure if I would have taken it in the first place but I guess you live and learn.

It was actually Pride the previous weekend but really didn't go to any events. We went out Friday night but I didn't feel too well the next day so stayed home mostly. I looked at some apartments in the morning, but had to stop midday since I felt sick. Might have been due to not drinking enough water. Sunday, C- and I looked at some places and put in an application to two places. Approved on one but still waiting on the other one that we initially wanted. The second one just had an odd floor plan. Right when you walk in, that's where the 'dining room' would be so would be blocking your path to the living room soo hmm, but will see. Here's its floor plan

It was Father's day that day too and after not having heard from my dad since that day in April I told him I was gay, I sent a text message wishing him a Happy Father's Day. His response: "TKS MAN...GIVE ME A MOMENT...UR NEWS TOOK ME FOR A LOOP" After that, I just didn't respond back and will just leave things and give him some space. He knows how to reach me. That's about it really.

Aside from that, still working on making some friends here in the area. I dunno but it just seems like it's a lot harder when you're older. Granted I have a bf, it's still different to have friends to shoot the shit the breeze with and talk things with, ya know!? It's like sometimes you can't help not to think if there's something wrong with you? People say you're funny, sweet yada yada but at the same time, great that doesn't do me any good since no one sticks around to be my friend. Pardon my venting but I just miss having a core set of friends like I did when I was younger. It just gets frustrating on some days that you can't help not to wonder. All the friends I made in the military are spread out in different states so that can only do so much. I need some in the flesh, someone I can just call up and say 'Meet me here.' Anywho, I know it's not doing me any good just writing about it. I've posted on craigslist, did volunteer but nothing but I'm gonna keep trying. In life, there should be balance and it just feels like I'm lacking in the friendship department.. Ugh, I hate when I get contemplative. I think about things too much.

Granted I'm grateful for what I have now, but there's always room for improvement. Goodnight and goodbye.

Not sure about going black and blue...

OK, not really so much a post but have you guys/gal heard of Adele? She has a song out called Chasing Pavements and you can see the video here. We saw her live this Tuesday and she was great, just wow!! She sounded just like she did on her album.. Her US tour's almost over though so I know it's kinda late but never to grab her CD.

Her songs are simple but lovely. There's a lot of sadness in them, though some made me go 'Oh shit!' since I haven't been the greatest to the bf and it just seemed that she's singing about things I've done :( She covered a Bob Dylan song 'Make you feel love' and it brought tears to my eyes. I've never heard the song prior to her singing it but now, it's one of my favorites. A vid of her performance and the words to the song..



When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free you ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Stay down

Few months ago during a rough period, C- had me listen to this song and I cried since it really hit a spot. Freaky when songs do that to you. Some bloggers know some of the crazy things that has happened, that I didn't really talk about here since writing about it would not have made sense...

Anyway, it's one year today that C- and I met. Who would have thunk we would be together after that casual meeting this time last year. At the same time, I'm thankful. There was, dare I to say magic, that day that we met, and sadly I forget that sometimes when I get caught up with the little things. I'm not the easiest person to deal with to be honest. But still, he stuck with me. Happy Anniv kiddo!

Did ya know(x7) (that I love you)
Did ya know(x7) (and I want you.)

I'll admit things aint been the way I thought they would be.
Didn't expect so much stress to develop between me and you.
I knew that it wasn't easy but sometimes when we fight it don't seem like God's design ,
but then I hear words you said and I promise I would stand for you and be true throughout the bad and the good.

And I know what it means to be committed.
So here's a word for you , but you just sing with it..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always be the pride of my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Yeah we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

I ain't gonna lie , at times you amaze me.
You be talking and I swear that you're crazy but,
I learned a long time ago that pride don't help , it only hurts.
And I just want you to know ,
I need ya baby (I need you)
I'm just like Weezy baby , not Weezy like the rapper baby but the wife of George , and we're moving on up.

10 years strong and we're looking like a plan.
Im looking like your woman and you're looking like my man.
We looking like real and the haters look fake ,
especially when they hear me say..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always have a place in my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Ya know we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

(Understand you are the one in my heart) And I'm holding on so we can't live apart.
(When things stop making sense we'll figure it out) I walked into this and I don't wanna walk out no , no.

Everything ain't gonna be how we like and what is worth keeping if it didn't take a fight?
Your healing is in me (me)
Amd my healing is in you (you)
So get your mind right , 'cause here's what we gonna do..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always be the pride of my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Ya know we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

Did ya know(x7) (that I love you)
Did ya know(x7)

- Mary J. Blige