Leave me alone I'm lonely

I've never heard of the Enneagram of Personality until this morning, thanks to English. All this personality tests are essentially the same but it still fascinates me nonetheless. It's funny how I like reading on these things when I already know what some of the 'things' I have to deal with. I'm a Four and here's what it said about my type.

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a FOUR

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
• having aesthetic sensibilities
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a FOUR

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
• expecting too much from myself and life
• fearing being abandoned
• obsessing over resentments
• longing for what I don't have

FOURs as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
• are very sensitive
• feel that they don't fit in
• believe they are missing something that other people have
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

FOURs as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
• support their children's creativity and originality
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Hair all gone

Hair all gone, originally uploaded by d_edrick.

This will probably be my hairstyle the rest of my life. I miss my curls
sometimes *sniff sniff

Another year

This was a post I wrote a day after my birthday but took it down due to circumstances.

Suddenly Monday appears again.. I'm back in our DC office today since my coworker is sick and they needed somebody to cover her spot so here I am. I've been up since 4 since I had to drop Carlos off at the airport so he can catch his flight to Chicago to surprise his parents who are visiting from Puerto Rico.

Well I gave in and got an iphone baabaaa! It was my birthday yesterday so it was a present. I got a white one but sorta wished I would have gotten a black one. My fault since I initially got a black and opted to switch instead. It's taking a little getting used to but looks like I'm loving it so far, aside from adding my contacts in manually. It's nice that I can put videos and whatnot, so Jerri Blank is already in it along with some music videos. Can you tell I love that show?

Saturday was quiet for the most part since I sat around the house doing nothing, grab a book, read a blog, listen to music which is nice. Then that evening, we had dinner and then catched Kung Fu Panda. He hasn't seen it so we went though I think 10 minutes into the movie, I passed out considering we went to the 11:45 pm showing. I've watched it few weeks back but I was so sleepy I even got woken up by my own snore haha.

Sunday, Carlos had to work so ended up spending it with my mom who didn't call in but didn't show at her job. It felt 'new' spending my birthday with her since it's been such a long time. It rained as usual, and we talked about how it always did on my birthday. We remembered how when I was young, she would carry me on her back since she didn't want me to get my shoes wet. We had this yearly thing of going to this one church first thing in the morning then just going to the mall afterwards. It's amazing what the brain remembers, you just have to love/hate it. I remember those times like it was just yesterday, the simple life.

This birthday was definitely better than last year's when there wasn't peace on the quiet front. We had yakiniku (Korean BBQ) at this restaurant Woo Lae Oak. If you ever find yourself in the area and craved some BBQ, this is the place to go. I haven't been to many here in Northern Virginia but this place was gooood. It was us three that had dinner, and it was fun.

There were some crying a bit with my mom saying how it seemed like it was only yesterday that I was born, yada yada. Carlos instigated it saying things that made me teary, how he's glad we're together, and managed to get through everything that we went through (We went through some rough times that I felt best not to write about since there's always gonnabe different sides to the story) then when my mom saw it, she followed suit. I think I get it from her, I'd cry over the little things. When she started crying, I just found it real funny so started laughing and that ended it.

Ya know, I'm thankful for the most part to have made it this far. It might sound weird but I never really looked forward to the day that I hit a certain age. I get there and it's like Wow, I'm this age now. Where did all those years go by? I've said it before but I'm still in awe as to the things I've done, places I've seen, people I've met. Never did I think I would be where I am right now.

Anywho, I've written more than I intended. Will post the pic later to remind myself that this time in '08, I'm with the two people that loves me and that alone is enough.

I'm learning to dance again

It's one thing to read about things, but to actually go through it is something else. I like reading self-help books and I have this one book which got chewed on by the dogs. Of course, I'll have to get a new one. One that I have is Until Today and it has some passages that strike a chord in me and thought I'd share.

We have all done something that has caused someone pain or discomfort. Often, we are aware of the consequences of our actions. Then there are those times when we don't have a clue about what we've done until someone brings it to our attention. When they do, we feel bad. We believe that we must forever be indebted to the people who have been the victims of our thoughtlessness, negligence, or abuse.
You cannot see people as victims of something you have done. If you do, they will allow you to continue to feel bad. You cannot see people as victims of who you were or of who you are. If you do, you are declaring yourself to be more powerful than you have a right to be in anyone's life. Seeing someone as your victim says that you are somehow responsible for what people believe and do. Thinking this way or feeling this way is going to cause you a tremendous amount of grief unnecessarily!
Regardless of the impact your actions have on anyone, they are not your victim! Think of it this way: we are all dancers in the ballroom of life. Some of us are accomplished dancers. Some of us can't find the beat. When you ask someone to dance, they, not you, choose whether or not they will dance with you. If you step on their toes, ask for forgiveness. Don't buy them a new pair of shoes! If the experience leaves them with the impression that life is not worth dancing, ask for forgiveness. Do not spend the rest of your life trying to force them to dance again. You have no victims! Ask for forgiveness. Make amends if you can. Then, waltz away.
Until today, you have may have believed that you would be forever indebted to others. Just for today, acknowledge those times that you have been thoughtless, negligent or abusive to others. Forgive yourself. Ask for forgiveness and then continue to dance.

Until Today by
Iyanla Vanzant

It's not as easy...

Counting down the days and my mom's gonnabe moving in at our apartment. We're renting a 2-BR, and rather than renting it out to a stranger, my mom will be our housemate. I initially was against it after what went on last summer but I think she's in a completely different place now. She's adjusted living here in the States, and has fully accepted C-. Not that she had any problems with me being gay, it was more of fear that I won't love her as much like I used to which is silly. As much as I'd like to think I don't, my actions says otherwise as one blogger friend puts it.

The apartment is nearing completion, will have to post some pictures up. We got a mirror to go above the couch but not sure how we'll keep it in place so it might be a bit heavy. The living room turned out nice I'd have to say. C- has this head of a buddha that seriously freaks me out after having read Queen of the Damned. Good thing it's not visible when you're watching TV so it'll be alright.

Things are slowly going back to the way it used to be. Something happened that I felt didn't need to be written about here but let's just say my capacity to forgive isn't as easy as I'd hoped. I'll admit I have a hard time forgiving others, let alone myself and what transpired really bothered me. Granted I'm partly responsible for what happened, but still. I'm trying to put it all behind but then, fear would rear its head in and makes me second guess my decision. Either you trust or you don't. And as much I'd like to think I do, having doubts says otherwise. It'll take work but I want to be the Kris I used to be, and trusted completely.

Anyway, we were supposed to see Adele tonight but her show got cancelled. Funny how this ticket outlets work. Paid $53 with the "convenience fees" and such, yet you only get the face value back. But then like I'd stop seeing live shows haha.

Oh, over the weekend, we went with our neighbor to a scavenger hunt but ended up getting sidetracked while in Georgetown. If you find yourself in the area, make sure you stop by Georgetown Cupcake. GD, granted the cupcake's $2.75 each, they are HEAVENLY. You can't not smile after having a Chocolate C2 if you love chocolate.

Well, got tasked to pick up a system so gotta run now. Bye!

Ce Jue!?

I have NO clue what she's singing about but I think I'm gonna go see her live...yes?

Can you imagine!!?

If I would have graduated in 1954...



















and in 1960...



















and 1970 :D

Six Feet Under

To anyone who loves this show or want to own it, Best Buy is selling each season for $19.99. Granted it would be nice to buy the whole series in one box, I checked even at Amazon and it runs around $212 for the gift set, then factor in shipping and handling. Your local Best Buy might have it too so you can make a stop there.

I haven't watched the whole series but loved the ones I've seen so far. There's 3500 minutes of my life :D The show makes me think though, and makes me appreciate being alive more. Though of course, time I could be spending 'living' I'm gonnabe 'watching.' Such an irony haha.

Is it true what they say....

Okay, our neighbor said that a pet sooner or later takes after its owner. She said I look like ours. I've gotten this a few times when I happen to be out and about. Do you think that's true!? The dog's cute so I guess that works haha.

Back to woik

It's Monday and I'm back at our DC office once again. My coworker's in training so I'm subbing for her. I don't mind since it's nice to get away from th e main office and work here where it's a lot more laid back and I kinda do my own thing.

C- was actually gone last week since he went to Chicago to visit his family. Birthday was good, I got an iPhone and we went to a Korean BBQ for dinner. I had a previous post about it but felt it was too emotional so took it down. My mom had me pick a Kenneth Cole shoes, and I went with this style, was told it looks like my shoes got rained on haha but it's too late to return it now.

Thursday, I stopped by my mom's work so I can pick her up and take her to the next one. It was fun, we had a good laugh. We stopped by Rita's Ice and got some custards, yum. We got to talking about relationships and I got custard all over my face because of what she said. It was about our neighbors in the Philippines, and how the mom while crying said "Can you fulfill the need in me?" to her kids about her staying with their dad. It was just funny in Tagalog.. One of those things you had to be there, damnit!

Sunday, we ended up having dinner with this couple that live in our complex, and the girl's sister. They invited me few nights ago for dinner since they knew that C- was gone, and she said she know that it gets lonely when your bf's away. It was nice, we had shishkabob's, and some drinks. Then we let the dogs play for a while. Caeden and their dog look almost identical so he's like Caeden's big brother. We had a talk for a while too, touching on different things. Relationships, work, food, Don't ask, don't tell in the military which is partly why I got out when my time was up.

That's about it really. I interviewed for a job two weeks ago but didn't hear back so guess that's a no go. Ah well, if it wasn't meant to be, it's not gonna happen. That's about it really, some other things happened but best to not talk about it here :)

Makes me wanna get a cat

more cat pictures

24 years and 6 months ago...

that this picture was taken. If you click the pic, it'll take you to my flickr page which has pics from the time I was a baby up until now, when I turn 25.

Because you hungry, you hungry!!

It looks like these commercials came out a year ago but I just saw it today. Go meat!!

It's all in the lighting...

Where the computer desk goes MAKES a difference as to how you look on cam. I'm not liking where it is right now since it's far from the sunlight. Look at the previous ones, and this, singing along to 'I Think I Need A New Heart' by The Magnetic Fields.

The Magnetic Fields

Yay, I got tickets to The Magnetic Fields concert!! I waited too long when it went on sale Tuesday, and now got terrace seats but oh well, I'll still get to see them :D Some of you might know, perhaps even have seen them live, but they're known for their 69 Love Songs. That CD made me want to learn to play the guitar, granted I bought one, I have yet to learn to play. I think I might have to find a teacher rather than trying to learn it from a DVD.

It was actually one of their songs that the name of this blog came from. I really didn't think I was gonna keep that name, but yet three years later, it's still around.

Time stands still
All I can feel is the time standing still

as you put down the keys and say don't call me please
while the radio plays

"I Think I Need a New Heart" ohhh
"I Think I Need a New Heart" ohhh

You've lied too but it's a sin that I
can't tell the truth
cause it all comes out wrong unless I put it in a song
so the radio plays "I Think I Need a New Heart"
just for you "I Think I Need a New Heart"

cause I always say I love you when I mean turn out the light
and I say let's run away when I just mean stay the night
but the words you want to hear you will never hear from me

I'll never say "happy anniversary"
never stay to say "happy anniversary"

so I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
I think I need a new heart ohhh
Give me time

Weekend update

Well, I'm here in the DC office this week since my coworker's on vacation. One day down, and I actually like it so far. It just feels more laid back since I'm the only IT person here the issues that has come up haven't been that difficult.

So the weekend... Friday night, we ended up having my mom and her friend over for dinner. They brought some Peruvian meal which was good. We just sat on the floor since we're not using the dining table and watched Takeshi's Castle which I've enjoyed watching since I was a kid. One of the things that made me want to live in Japan. I mean where else can you see this type a game show these days. Never fails to crack me up...



Saturday, we made our rounds to some stores trying to pick out some things for the apartment. The bedroom's been painted, bathroom's done with matching shower curtains, rugs, etc. The only thing left is the living room. Spend most of the day doing that really, then in the evening met up with this one couple we've e-mailed with in the past few weeks for dinner at Thai Chili. It was nice, spent it mostly talking and laughing, getting to know each other. Us four balanced each other out it looks like, you've got 2 introverts and 2 extroverts. We touched up on different topics, relationships, psychology, coming out, etc so it was interesting. We've talked about getting together again so hopefully that happens soon since at times, when I meet people online, we make plans that never materialiaze so that sucks but ah well. After that, we just went home and started watching Be Kind Rewind. It was alright, didn't like it much so I went to bed 20 minutes in.

Sunday, did the same really. Went to some stores yet again to get things for the apartment which is turning out good, I'd have to say. We finished painting one wall of the living room and put up the 'entertainment area' as well. What you see in the picture is actually the blue we painted it with, then will finish the other ones with brown as shown. Just debating with the couch now. We initially were gonna get Kramfors but considering Karlstad. They don't have it in khaki or tan so will probably go with the blue one, same as the wall color. Either that, or maybe the light blue-gray Kramforms. Thinking about getting a wireless surround sound since C- thinks the wires would be bothersome. Anyone who has wireless ones? How's that experience?

Guess that's it for now, heading home shortly. Take care!

Flashback

My friend e-mailed this to me last week. It took a second before it registered that it was me on the pic early '06, after moving to VA two months prior.

All moved

Well, I'm back at work today after taking yesterday off. We got everything moved so glad about that, it'll be a matter of unpacking now and trying to find a place for things. We bought paints for the rooms yesterday and I just found out, after calling C-, that he has started painting already. Funny how we went right at it, sometimes I had to tell him to take it slow since we'll have a year to get it together. I know the sooner the better, but still...

That's the main thing really. Will post some pics up when I take some.. Aside from that, I'm doing early shift once again. I'm working 6:30 - 3 from now on so will need to adjust my sleeping schedule a bit, not that I ever had any :D So hmm, not sure if I'll put the job search on hold. Some folks called and wants to set up an interview so will see. I hate those things but there's no getting around it.

Oh, the prez signed the new GI Bill so yayyy, glad when I read that. It'll help a lot since right now, if you're using it, schools won't really give you any additional aid so it's like what the french toast!? It's kinda the same if I had not joined then..

Will have to go by the DMV since I can't find my license. I've looked everywhere I can think of and nothing, hopefully it's not too busy. So that's it in a nutshell, some other happened that I really won't elaborate on but I wasn't a nice guy for a brief time over the weekend, and then, became Woe-is-me for something that was said. Crazy how few words or actions can trigger things...

We also watched Wall-E, and it was great! Pixar sure makes some good movies. Check it out if you can! That's it, running to a meeting now.

Got a place

*Ugh, the power went out here at work, thank god I didn't lose my post*

Whew, the week's almost over and it's a good thing we have a place to move to. The lease to where we live now ends this Sunday so need to make sure that everything's moved out by then. This past few days, I've actually left for work 3-4 hrs early so I can stop by some properties to take a look at what they have for rent. Some I did like but the prices just seemed to be a bit too much. Granted it'll be nice but I don't think I'm gonna sleep any better paying for a more expensive place. Oh yeah, the place we were moving to was the one I mentioned in the previous post. We initially didn't like the floor plan but with the apartment not coming through, we went with this. We might have to just get rid of the dining table and get bar stools instead but will see. Ikea here we gooo!

Our main concern is the space really. At the moment, we're living in a studio...C-, the dog (Caeden) and I. This past year has really been an adjustment period for us. It took me longer to sorta let go of how I like things to be. I didn't realize how set I was in doing things a certain way which it looks like can be difficult for others. Anywho, we're getting a 2-BR this time so excited about that. It's not definite yet as to what we'll do with the 2nd room. Keep it as a guest room (if we can afford to), or rent it out to a stranger, or even to my mom (Carlos' idea) so that we can have more home-cooked meals. We can have a trial period I suppose and depending how that goes, she can either stay or go. He's open to it though I'm the one really giving it some thought. I guess with there being separate bedrooms, I can go to the room and lock it if they're a bit too much hahaha. They get along really great now so am glad about that. He likes taking her out and having her get a make over. Did I mention she got her haircut pretty much above her shoulders!? The shortest she's ever cut it in a lifetime, her being 48 and all.

I was a bit stressed out with this job. There's been an audit going on, and I got interviewed twice for what seemed like an eternity. I really didn't have answers to some of their questions, usually except that 'this is what I was shown how things are done when I started here' which is true in a sense. Granted I'm partly at fault for not finding things that I can improve on but bleh. I'm administering a program I've never heard of until working here. D-man knows of my saga of almost quitting two weeks after I started. Anywho, the contracting world is crrrazy. I'm dealing with it first hand as far as outside companies bidding on it and all that good stuff.

Pretty much in a nutshell, I'm with XY company, working for XX. XX put the slots up for bidding, so now, YZ, ZZ and all other companies are bidding on the contract. So other companies could win, but instead of working for XY, I'll work for the winning company if they take me on board, but still work for XX. I haaate it. I've applied to some government and county jobs, and the wait for that lol. It'll probably be next year before I hear back heehee. I can always fall back to being a Spice Girl *grins

Maybe I'll put an ad just to test if folks would hire me as a PA. Hmmm, I'm organized, I'll get your shizz in order, and would it help I'm size 11? It's big so I can kick your ass to keep you in line. Big feet makes a difference. Or I can be a stripper. Don't laugh, my mom knows I've wanted to be one since I was young. Ah dreams, must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want... Sure beats doing it! LOL, things I learn from Strangers with Candy.

Like a wise saying from "Doctor" Iris Puffybush..."Dreams are a great thing, but y'know something, they take a lot of energy. But that's OK. There's a job waiting for you down the block from your house that doesn't require a thought in your head or a hope in your heart. So come on down and work for the artificial flower factory. Why fight it? Okay? Thank you." If I can find that job, I'd be set!!!

That's about it really. I have yet to take exams and stuff for my distance learning classes. I'm seriously considering dropping them since I can't learn like that, I learn in a classroom environment better. I like the interaction with the teacher better, and hearing stories about things they've seen and done.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?

I discovered this band through my friend, and I sure do love some of their songs. A vid I made when I'm bored, pardon the "mic" haha :) Though make sure to read the lyrics, it actually has a good message...



Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?