Color me

Like I mentioned in the previous post, I'm putting up the colored, unedited pic that the photographer chose to go with her Perfect As Is series. After looking through, I realized that it's one where I don't look like I know I'm getting my picture taken, unlike this second one. My fave's the last one however...

Everyone wants love

Goddamnit. I'm crying here at my cube today after reading some This I Believe essays. I'm not sure what I'm gonnabe doing yet in the next few days since I'm temping for a different position so instead of being at the usual site, which is Maryland for me, I'm in DC.

I had to take yesterday off to get a procedure done. It was a same day surgery, and I ended up staying at the hospital for close to 7 hrs. I caught the cab since my mom doesn't know how to drive yet, and I didn't ask around except one if anybody can give me a ride. That's where my stubborn streak comes out, it's as if I have a hard time asking for help. I cried a little I'll admit since if C- was here, he would taken the day off and stayed with me the whole time like when I had a surgery last year. After I got home, I pretty much just rested and watched Mad Men and Weeds, and trying to tweak the Mac so I can put Windows in it as well.

Last night, I got upset with my mom for a moment since she was crying a bit since she was asking and saying how I've never spent a bday with my dad. I hate when she does that. She doesn't mean anything bad but sometimes, it bothers me when she thinks about things like this. It's like she burders herself with more hurt and take on other people's pain, i.e. mine. I really wouldn't say I'm in denial about this whole relationship with my dad. After I came out to him April of last year, communication has pretty much stopped between us. I've reached out twice and will leave it at that.

I guess sometimes you just come to the realization that everybody can't or wouldn't love you. As hard as that might be, one just has to live with it. It's happened to me, I ended up liking some folks, and the feeling's not mutual so what can you do but move on. When it's the same, I've met guys that liked me but I didn't like them back the way they wanted me to. I wish it was any different, and as much as you try not to hurt people, it is bound to happen and it's only up to them when they want to move on.

Love is such an interesting thing. Sometimes you get too focused on getting it from someone that if you only stay still long enough, you realize the ones you have is actually enough. I've met some bloggers who I've come to love deeply, and who's been my confidant when I'm going through the hard times and the good times. Thinking of them makes me smile. I've realized that you come to a point where you create your own family, and one that doesn't have to be linked by blood.

Yesterday, after just having to lay down and not read or play with my cell, it just got me thinking how nothing's an accident. It mainly applied to C, and how I think we needed to be in each other's lives when we met. I hated it at times when we'd get into fights and stuff, but now looking back, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I used to wish we wouldn't have moved in together so soon when we get into arguments, yet at the same time, it all happened naturally.

Then the dog came in, which has become a child to me, without me realizing. Now I sit at home wondering how he's doing, but I can't really ask him haha. It always cracks me up thinking how it looked like his muzzle was dipped in black ink and stayed that way. Ahh pets, they love their owners with no conditions. I wish I can say the same, but am not quite there yet. It's quite conflicting since at the same time, I have conditions on how to be loved. If you do this or that, it means you love me. If you don't call me, maybe you don't after all.

But one must remember that people can't always love you the way you want them to. Just because they couldn't doesn't mean the feeling's not there, they just have a different way of showing it.

Do you love or hate it?

I came accross this excerpt a while ago as to where, I can't recall. Whenever I get a downtime at work, I usually read quotations, essays and keep notes of the ones that touch me in a way. Here's one of them by an author I've never heard of either...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
--Neil Gaiman

Natural portrait

The photographer sent me the unedited pics last night, yay! I have all of them in colored but this is the one she picked to add to her series. I never noticed I had that many moles in my face. My mom was saying with all those moles, that's the reason I'm talkative. Thing though, I happen to be the opposite, same way that the Leo traits aren't applicable. Will put some of the other ones next time. Just realized all I've been putting up are pics lately, but life's been quiet so that's a good thing.

Google me baby

Well, was listening to the song google me baby so it's stuck in my head. You can google me all day and it won't turn anything up, aside from the singer haha.

I was off today from having worked last Sunday so it was nice getting to just do my thang today. I was up really early though since I had to swing by DC to get something done. And figured I'd go there first thing in the morning to get it over with and avoid the traffic. I was in and out of the DC by 8:30 so that was good. I was starving for not having had anything to eat so made my way to the army base and went to Dunkin Donuts. I was craving their sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant since it's been a while since I've had it. I wanted to go on base so I can go the BX which is pretty much a department store you can go to on base. I ended up getting Bose computer speakers since I haven't had any in a while. I'm glad I asked about the price matching since it was cheaper on their website.

After that, I went to King St to meet up with a photographer. She's doing a series where she doesn't touch up the pictures at all which has become the norm everywhere else. She gave folks the option to either get paid for it or get copies, and of course I opted for the copies. Omg, I love getting a pic taken with the strobes and everything. I've never had it done before but I always thought it was neat when there's like a halo in your eyes when they do so. She's gonna be emailing it to me tonight or tomorrow so kinda excited about that. She just had me stand in a spot and told me to make whatever faces I wanted. You can only do so much before you start thinking what now!? We were chatting the shoot and I was commenting how difficult it is sorta being put on the spot and told to strike a pose, sorta. It was fun though, she showed me the previews and I'm glad I took part in her project

The apartment's finally set up except for a dining table but that could wait since we don't really use it that often. I got me a foot stool in my room so am set. Will post some of the pic once the photographer sends them, hopefully tonight! *crosses fingers

Company picnic

Ain't stolen shots the best!? LOL
My mom and I were arguing whether I had my eyes closed in the first one or was just smiling. What does it look like to YOU!?

Asleep on the subway

I knew there was a reason I never sleep on public transportation! I came across Asleep on the Subway and was cracking up to no end at work :D



Seven days after you read this blog post, this woman will attack you through your computer screen.

Quack

Here's the family I mentioned.

That's what she said!

That line cracks me up, silly as that might sound. I saw a few those today after having gone to a Postsecret exhibit at the Hillyer. I'm glad I got to go since tomorrow's the last day for it. It was nice getting to see it again live since it's been a long time since I went to one, 3 yrs now actually. I was still living in Hampton around that time and drove 3 hrs just to see it, along with FOUND. I got teary reading some of the impromptu made ones. They left some papers out and crayons out for people to write their secrets and I'd say about 6 walls were covered with these secrets. I didn't make any, it was enough just to see others' because I already see myself in some of them. One made a comment how the secrets are full of sadness. From what it seems though, I think it's the sadness or the negative emotions that one tries to let go while holding on to happiness as much as we can. I know there has to be balance but I think we can relate more on each other's pain more than anything, it's one of the basic emotions that shows we're all the same.

So I did that and stopped by Dupont Circle afterwards, and grabbed Ben and Jerry's ice cream and sat down and read The Onion. I originally had plans but it didn't fall through, and come around the time I was supposed to meet, I was glad it didn't happen since I felt tired and just wanted to go home. Still have a bit to go in getting the apartment set up but no rush on that, working on my room at least so I'll know where everything is once again.

Yesterday, I took my mom to Ruby Tuesday since she's never been to one. She thought it was okay, but I think it was mainly due to her ribs being dry. She told me about it but not til after having eaten it so I asked why she didn't say anything sooner. I'll admit I get agitated with her sometimes, it really feels like we've switched roles. After that though, we just sat out by the parking lot and goofed off a bit. I was debating what to do about my phone situation since I'm trying to go simpler with mine. I ended up getting one off of Amazon, a more basic phone than the iPhone so I can get rid of the data plan, and just use it for the basic stuff. I'll probably miss the Google maps but I'll manage, I've lived okay without having one of those as much as it has been helpful.

Oh, I never got to mention it but where I'm temporarily working, there's a lake on the side of the building and there's this family of 5 ducks. I might take a picture but in the morning when I pass them by, it brings a smile on my face that I just wanna sit there and watch 'em. Animals just seem so peaceful sometimes. It doesn't look like they have a care in the world but to just be, and get their basic needs met. No dreams they try to achieve, no wrongdoings they feel guilty about, but to just be and exist. But then, we're animals too. Does one ever achieve that kind of peace though? At times, I'd like to think I get a glimpse of it. There's just this wave of feeling that comes over you, and you're just at ease with the world, and how things are. Perhaps it's just a matter of being able to go back to that place more.

Here it is

The beard's all gone after having shaved it Monday morning....

To whom should I write

Well, I figured I'd write a little something while I'm recovering from lunch. I did record a vid to post instead but we don't have internet yet at the new place. I think I might have mentioned that we're moving to a different apartment which happened this Saturday. Had some complications with the movers I initially hired, so had to call around last-minute to find a different one. They didn't get there til 7 though, and the move in all took 5 hrs. I seriously wanted to leave for a drink and get wasted lol It was just so tiring having been up since 8 that morning and not moving til 7 at night.

But it's done with so definitely glad about that. We had to come back yesterday and pick up the rest of the stuff and clean the apartment. Now, it's just a matter of getting the new one organized. I definitely won't be moving anytime soon again. It's in a good location since I'm nearby the major interstate.

I'm "temping" once again for another slot that my company has for the agency we work for. It's nice since I get to learn new stuff. And the eye candy too! There's a lot of mil guys here so it's cool just to see 'em. I'm sharing a cube with this one girl and I love her already :) She's pretty funny so we'd just talk about some random stuff.

Aside from the move, things have been quiet. My tennis lessons started last weekend but the first one got cancelled since it rained hard Saturday morning. Then the swimming class starts next week. Catching concerts here and there as well. I got to see Santigold and Peaches so that was nice.

I think I'll still post the vid tonight. I grew a mini-beard but ended up shaving it yesterday. Everyone's like 'whoooa, kris is becoming a man!' or ask me why I'm growing it. Really no reason but to change it up a bit. A pic when it was growing...

Gottabe unstoppable

Saw this vid today and it just made me smile. I'm actually seeing Santigold next week at 9:30 Club, yay! I'm even more excited.

the mall

This past weekend was actually my memorial day since I actually worked the holiday so I can have Friday off instead. It wasn't bad at all, since I had one customer come by since he needed help with his account. It gave me pretty much all day to read Yes Man which I did not know existed until recently. I enjoyed it, it was a light read of all this one guy's experiences after he became more open to the world, and said yes to pretty much everything afterwards. Just got me thinking how I wasn't as open as I could have been when I was in Japan, but oh well coulda, woulda, shoulda.

It was a quiet weekend overall. I'm in the process of priming the apartment since the lease ends on the 24th and I'll be moving to a different one come that time. Funny how I will be living in the same apartment complex I lived in when I first moved to the DC area. Coinkidink? Hmm, I wonder if that means anything.

Saturday, I went to the National Mall since it's been a while since I've gone around and explored DC. It was a nice day out that I just didn't wanna waste so drove in to the city and went to the Botanic Garden and the National Museum of the American Indian (NMAI). Both were interesting. Amazing to see all the variety of plants that exist that it really makes you think that everything on the earth is designed after all and is just not caused by a bang. I took some pictures but will be uploading it to my flickr site another time. The NMAI was interesting too, it was nice to learn more about their history and their way of living back in the day, and to how some kept their culture/language intact, but at the same time, adjusting to all the changes. A fellow blogger actually has gone to the museum and eaten there so figured I would stop by the cafe since he suggested it. It was actually neat that they let you try some of the dishes instead of having to buy them blindsided. I got to try buffalo, and wild boar but ended up going with chicken haha. I was so tempted to just wait and go to Potbelly's for lunch but figured it's not everyday I'll get to eat authentic native foods, so derr. I said Yes :)

Aside from that, it's been quiet overall. I ended up having to reschedule my swimming class so I can take the beginner's one to learn it from the basics. And I'm also taking tennis lessons soon so it should be interesting. I've always wanted to play so actually acting upon it rather than just thinking. I probably should shut up about it at work haha.

I kinda got carried away at American Apparel since the last time I actually bought something from there was back in '05 when we were in LA. I pretty much just got shorts and there was one that I thought looked nice on the guys I've seen wearing it, but it looked off when I had it on. I think it's just my build and it doesn't look right, though it's sexy as hell! It's this West Coast Short though I have their Jersey P.E. Short which I just wear to bed since it's a bit snug and it would just show too much to people.

It's almost 1 and I'll try to get some sleep now. My sleeping pattern sure is out of whack on the weekends. Ah well, more changes!

5 Years Time

Well, like I said I was gonna try to post "music videos" from time to time. I know I've talked about the song in the last post but I wanted to make a vid for it anyways. Seeing them live was really great.

EU open house

It's Monday and I'm finally back to the Helpdesk. It's been 2 and a half hours already since I came in and I wanna sleep soooo bad right now. My fault for not sleeping early but somehow, the earliest I've managed sleeping was 11.

Weekend was good overall. I stayed in during the evenings and it was nice to just stay home and relax. I haven't felt like cleaning and mostly just dilly dallied around the house. I rented a movie and a Wii game on my way home from work, that way I won't have to set foot outside once I go home. I watched How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. I thinik I might have heard of the book before. Granted I haven't read it, I just got the movie anyways. I thought it was funny and sweet though. They were talking about the movie La Dolce Vita which I've stumbled on a lot of times but never watched it.

Saturday, they had the embassy open house again. It's where the embassies in DC let the general public in where you get to look around and take a little tour of their respective embassies. I went with two friends I was with the week prior though two others joined us on this day. We all met up around 9:30 to get an early headstart but alas, none of the brunch places was open until 11. We waited around since we were all hungry. But it was worth it :D Frontpage had a really good buffet though I initially was gonna get their Eggs Benedict. I need to learn how to make that at home.

It was really fun, trying to scare friends with a pigeon, taking pics of a cute guy, etc. I even got to take a pic with one of the ambassadors, I think?. We didn't know he was one since he was just sitting down while we walked by. We saw a picture of a guy with George Bush and when we looked back, realized that it was him. I'll add the pic later, since it's on facebook but it's blocked here at work.


Sunday was Mother's Day as everyone knows, and I really didn't get to spend it with my mom. I told my coworker I was gonna help him not realizing it was gonna take all day. But oh well, mom's happy with the flower that I got her. When it was delivered, I wanted to keep it for myself haha.

So that was the weekend really. Gotta head out for an appointment now so will cut this short. I'm trying to get back on writing more like I used to.

Wherever he goes, there'll be love

Some of you might have heard this song below. Anyway, just thought I'd update a moment. I'm managing a bit better with C- and the dog gone. It feels a bit off going home to an empty apartment with no one there to greet you with their smile or the dog just bouncing around happy to see you.

Classes are finally over after this week which I'm glad about, I certainly can use the break right about now. I did decent on most classes except Precalculus. Not sitting down and studying for the exams is gonna cost me but it's too late to change that now. I knew what was happening but somehow, instead of doing something about it, I just sorta took my fate and took responsibility for my actions. I'm either getting a D or an F, and I can kick myself about it over and over but it's not gonna do any good. So that, I'm realizing I'm not applying myself as much as I could.



5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale

Now the post seems dreary. But getting back to Noah and the Whale, they were amazing!! I already got tickets for another band playing last Saturday night but when after watching Noah, it was sooo worth it. I felt really happy just being there and seeing them live. The lead singer was cute too so that made it better. Each of the band member was sexy in their own way. Even the violinist! To produce that kind of beauty just mesmerized me. Did I mention that I love the show!? I soo wanna stalk this band now haha. Their CD is actually good, I've pretty much been listening to it on my way to work and back.

I sorta made this an unofficial song to C-. There's just something sweet to the sentiments of the lyrics that when I heard it, it just felt it applied to how our relatinship. Though the following reflects any sorts, whether it be lovers or friends since who knows what can happen in five years time.

Oh in 5 years time, I might not know you.
In 5 years time, we might not speak it all.
In 5 years time, we might not get along.
In 5 years time, you might just prove me wrong.

I can't believe this

I never did this when I was a kid but tonight I sat next to my mom in
her bed and admitted to being lonely when she asked me. I didn't stay
long since with her trying to console me, I got annoyed with some
things she said. What the duck's wrong with me sometimes? It's the
first day since C- and the dog left for Chicago. It'll take a little
getting used to. Did I get what I wanted though? I need to go
somewhere just for a while... It won't be for a few more weeks though,
with school not being over til the 11th. I want my world to stand
still...

It's been a long time

Had to redo a video since the first one didn't record my audio and it was a 5-min video too.. booooo! Here's a second take:


Been a long time -

And his voice came out of nowhere

     So apropos.. I've never had to use that word but I like the way it sounds after hearing it from a song by a band/guy I discovered, Bon Iver. But alas, he came to DC last year and I missed his show.

    I felt the need to stay quiet for a bit and not write about what's been happening. Work's been good for the most part. I've gotten the hang of it and been pretty much taking calls all day with a few questions to my coworkers. Been a bit busy with school. I'm actually taking a full load this semester to get a feel as to what it's like. It's been good though I'd still want to do it full time but not work full time. Maybe get a part-time gig but concentrate more on school. I'm taking classes at the local community college but will transfer eventually to one of the universities around, more than likely George Mason.

    The classes are pretty good. I'm taking Sociology, two computer classes, and Precalculus. I'm struggling a bit with Precal eventhough I liked Math a lot when I was younger. I guess having been out of school for like six years played a part so there, would have to study more and maybe get with a tutor even.

    Aside from that, one or two bloggers knows that C- and I are no longer together, for almost two months now. I'm not really gonna get on the details since it'll be unfair to him but that's that. I might write more about it from my point of view but it was real foggy for the longest as to what the exact reasons are. I really can't pin point the one defining thing that prompted this since it's more of a mix. Some of it were my doing I'll admit, and I probably could have done things different., if not better. Could have been more patient, kinder, more loving. I guess you just learn from it and move on. That was the best I can do at that time, but I'm not closing the doors. I definitely have some things I need to work on, recognizing them after having lived with C-. And right now, I just feel the need to deal with them by myself. I feel bad when it seems I'm just dragging him down with me.

    I miss what we had of course and for the most part, it was good. It was a lot of firsts and for that, I'll always be grateful. I think when we met, it happened since that's what had to happen. We brought something into each other's lives that we both needed. I can say that I've been happier since I've met him, there's a ritual I used to do but I don't any longer ever since I've met him. We've talked about how our relationship is unique and I think we'll always be in other's lives, well that's how we feel at this time. If that gets fucked up though, it'll be on me since I do some hurtful things with no rhyme or reason that after the fact, even I'm left wondering where it came from.

   On a short note, I wanted to share a song by one of my favorite bands *grins I heard this song from my mp3 player on my way to work and bawled out like crazy since it just summed up how I felt at that time.
 
Something in me was dying
And my heart was heavy as stone
Hard as i was trying
I never could find, find my way home

And your voice came out of nowhere
Be my friend and give me your hand
Let's take off together
And then we can live wherever we land

Something in me was broken
And my thoughts were bitter and ill
My world was blown open
And I couldn't see and i couldn't feel
You said be yourself and think of me
And you'll know there's nothing to fear
Let's make plans together
It's time to move on and get out of here

Girl i need you
Don't know what I would do
Will you see the story through
It's a cruel world
And I need somewhere to hide
But time goes by
And your still on my side

Something in me was sinking
Cause my heart was heavy as stone
I gave up with thinking
I never would find, find my way home
And your voice came out of nowhere
Be my friend and give me your hand
Let's take off together
And then we can live wherever we land

Girl i need you
Don't know what i would do
Will you see the story through
It's a cruel world
And i need somewhere to hide
The time goes by and your still on my side

Waiting
Searching
Turning over
Running round in circles
And i've worn myself out
Hoping that we'll always be together
yeah we'll always be together
yeah we'll always be together
yeah we'll always be together
yeah we'll always be together
yeah we'll always be together
yeah we'll always be together

                       -Something in Me Was Dying
                        by Keane

It makes me smile

Yay, I got tickets to Lily Allen's show this April. This year is gonnabe a great one for catching gigs, just like my first year. There's gonnabe 4 shows I'm wanting to see, and got tickets for three of them so far. Has anyone else listened to Bon Iver!? I wish I saw them when they were in DC, but alas, I discovered AFTER the fact just like before with M.I.A., Mika, etc.