Decisions

Sometimes, I wish someone can make my decisions for me and I'll do whatever I was told. This is mainly with the whole job, granted I accepted the offer and is set to start next week, my current company talked to me yesterday and is trying to find ways to get me to stay. I'm surprised with the lengths that they would do for me to stay. As nice as it is, it's seriously messing me up in the head. I'm questioning whether I made the right choice. It's pretty much a toss up between staying with my company, and work as a contractor or switch to the government job. I've been applying for government jobs for like 2 1/2 years and finally landed one. And now, my company is even telling me they'd move me to Europe if it means I'll stay with them. They would even try to find C- a job here in the area since he came up during my talk with one of the managers, outing myself in the process. I dunno why I was like whew, so they still can't tell then haha, since some people told me they "knew" the first day I walked in the office, sheeesh.

 I just wanna ball up in a corner until I think it all through. It probably won't make much sense to others but I just needed to let it out.

Since the last post, I've seen 2 or 3 more movies. Precious was gooooood! Granted parts of it were sad, they had enough happy stuff to keep it even. I didn't cry as much as I was expecting so that's always gooood. Also saw The Box which sucked, and New Moon (don't judge! haha) I'm on definitely on Team Jacob after seeing the movie, wooof!

As far as the new job, I'm gonnabe starting much sooner than
expected since the process went through a lot faster, what with the background investigation having been done not too long ago. I actually used one of my blogger buddies as reference :D Thanks R! Ahh, the friends I've made through here really makes me smile, love 'em all. So Friday, I did put in my 2-week notice and will start the following Monday. I was actually gonna try to wait it out til after the holidays since I was considering going to Puerto Rico since C- was gonnabe there. I'm missing the dog sooo much which I never saw coming. Even C- and I talk about it sometimes and laugh about it now, since I'm not always so caring when I choose not to. So that, guess I'll see him when he comes back.

It's 2 AM as I'm writing this and I'm trying to stay up as much as I can since I'm working night shift this week. Will hit the sack in a bit though since I have to get up early to get the car looked at. It's been making this whirring noise on the left side at random times.

I was all happy today too after getting our quizzes back for Math. Mannn, I was making A's in the last few tests. If I'd have studied sooner, I won't have to retake it but durrr, I was a fool. I seriously considered skipping today since I was off, it felt like I had to be off from E-V-E-R-Y-thing, even school. Got home and mom ended up being in my room for a bit. She's a crier when she gets drunk, and was talking about the same stuff over and over. Just telling her to 'let it go' since she's holding on to things that one has no control over.

I've been making 'music videos' but nothing worth posting it yet. I need to find more male artists to listen to, somehow I mostly have girl. I wonder if being gay has got to do with it..What's love, but a second hand emotion. What's... Let me stop :D Here's the song I've been meaning to do, but somehow watching the vid makes me wanna find a big box to go in and "perform"

Pick me, choose me

After getting hyped up for The Cranberries' show, yours truly ended up not going. With it being an hour drive, and my car having skidded twice while I was driving yesterday, I decided not to go. I grabbed a bite before I was gonna get on the interstate and instead of eating and driving, I pulled up in the parking lot to have my meal.  I actually got in an accident last winter and I'm gonna have to take the same route to get to the show. I was just really nervous that I chose to play it safe and not get on the road. Instead, I ended up going to the auto center and getting my tires replaced which I should have done a while ago. I had an hour to kill and went to the mall and left without buying a single thing, yay! After I got my car back, I definitely felt the difference after getting the tires rotated and balanced. I probably could have made the show but the excitement kinda went away.

Just went home, and tried to fix my cousin's laptop. And just watched some TV. I seriously have to stop watching HGTV. The guy they had on was trying to find a place in Colorado Springs and it seriously made me wanna move there :D However, that will all depend with the potential job I was interviewing.

Well speaking of which, I got a call and an e-mail from them. I called the HR lady back and.... they picked me for the position! It won't be for another month or so before I can start with the paperwork and all. But I'm gonna take a break in between and maybe try to make my way to the West coast since it's been too long since I've been.

So that's what's going on. I'm watching Precious tonight so there's definitely gonnabe some crying. I'm looking forward to it, well seeing the movie :D The crying's just an extra which one needs time to time.

States of Kris

Last Monday, I went back and did a 2nd interview for the job I interviewed for two weeks ago. They were more on the management side and overall, I think it went pretty well. They made a comment about my smile towards the end since I think I was smiling too much without realizing it. Some of my answers were kinda dorky when I thought about some of my answers, but I wasn't really nervous during the interview and was even making jokes. Anyways, they all tell me we'll let you know soon. This is the longest I've had to wait about a job. I'm trying not too be too confident that I'll be the one picked, but trying to think positive so hmm, how does that work? I actually sent thank you notes (I just hope they don't compare it with one another's haha) and 4 out of 5 replied which was new since I've gotten e-mails back.

So that, will see. If anything, come summer, I would consider relocating somewhere. TX, CA, AZ even. Weird as it may be, I just have this inkling to move to Arizona, granted I've never even visited, except for spending the night there en route to LA. So will see how this will pan out, my lease is 'til next summer anyways so who knows what will happen by then. I might try to live close to a city though, since I'm still in my concert-going phase, which has been quenched since moving to DC. I've gone to probably 20 concerts in 3 yrs I've lived here. That's one thing I love living here. If I do move though, it wouldn't be as rough as it was where you didn't know a single soul. This time, there will be two I'll go with so we'll manage somehow when the time comes.

I've sorta been in a funk these past few weeks, I dunno if the cold weather has partly do with it or what. but I've been reassessing things that have happened. Things I could have done better, times I could have been nicer, more loving, more thoughtful of others. But then, that's how one learns I think. You look back and do your best not to do those unloving things any longer. I think at times, I make things harder than they ought to be, and I really have to stop doing that.

The next shift's coming so will cut this short for now. Just need to drop something off at school, then will be making my way up to Baltimore to see The Cranberries, yay!! I've listened to them for like 15 yrs and it'll be awesome to finally see them live. I'm excited!!!!

A music vid's long overdue :D

Epic fail

Gahhh, I did baaddddd on my Precalc test even the teacher told me he was perplexed when he saw it. Will stick it out though until this sem is over and that'll be that. I don't think I will be taking any classes next sem..

Nailed it

Well, well, what do you know? I normally have to be in at work at 6 AM but Friday, was a different story. Thursday night was the usual, well, I went to the mall trying to find a suit. Went to bed and the next day, opened my eyes and saw that it was 8:30 AM. I had to think for a second what day it was, and realized I overslept. I looked at my phone and saw that I got missed calls from work. I somehow set it to silence mode the day before so didn't hear it ring, but then I really don't get woken up when the phone rings.

I called work back and told them that I'm fine, and would make it in as soon as possible. I was getting ready to get on the car when I saw there's a bit of cars backed up so I called and opted to just call out. I pretty much spent Friday running and doing errands. Went to the mall and returned some things. It was a jacket that will be missed but I need to stop buying jackets. I seem to buy one or two every year so had to put a stop to that. When I got home, I actually waxed my car after the 'repair' the guy did. It took me a good hour to do it, during which I was jamming to my iPhone, when the music started slowing down. I was wondering what did that and alas, came to find out my battery died. I seriously didn't think that would happen but yep, my car died.

None of my neighbors were around so I tried getting the booster pack that I have that recharges from the outlet and would recharge the battery. But of course, it didn't work. Somehow in the process, I managed to leave the keys in the trunk and close it. I tried getting back in to the car but it locked itself already. I cannot believe that was happening!!! I'm glad my mom just left work and was able to get back in because of her.

Weekend was quiet for the most part. I drove up to Baltimore to meet up a guy I dated a while ago before I moved to DC. It was nice catching up with him in person after 2 yrs. We've kept in touch through occassional texting/phone call. He still had those beautiful eyes I fell for *blush

Today, I took a day off actually since I had an interview to go to. I was a bit nervous since I ended up interviewing with 3 people which was a first. The most I've had was 2. The interview lasted for a good 45 minutes. They asked me about my background, and asked me technical questions, and some customer oriented ones like what would I do if a customer is screaming, or was dissatisfied with the service, etc. I was chatting with one of the interviewers when I was leaving since I had to be escorted out, and he actually told me that he feels I'd be a real asset to the agency and would want me onboard. However, I'm the first person they interviewed and they'd have to interview folks for the next 2 weeks. It'll probably be a month from now before I hear back. It's the waiting that's the killer. I've applied to a bunch of government jobs and this is a first where I actually came in for an interview. I guess that's something. I'm not trying to get my hopes up but from what it seemed like, all 3 interviewers wanted me to join the team. One joked that I can step out of the building and go back in and start working, when I asked when would the new hire start. Usually when I leave an interview, feeling good and just get the thought like I nailed it, I have been correct. The three times that has happened, I was offered the position.

I was gonna go to the High Heel Race tonight but ended up just staying in since it was rainy/windy/cold. It's a yearly event where guys in drags race for like 2 blocks in DC. I've been to 2 already so that should be enough. I'm gonna get back to watching Away We Go . It's a good movie so far, not sure why I didn't see it in the theaters.

For every action....

Yesterday, I did go to the gym after work, like I told myself I should be doing more of. I get off work at 2:30 and try to be home at 3. Get changed and try to head out, though a tube with an x gets in the way time to time. I tried to be out of the gym an hour and sorta had my evening laid out. Swing by the grocery store, cook, iron my work clothes, then study.

 

As I was driving out of the parking lot, a car was trying to get out of their spot so I stopped and let them through. The driver of the van ended up waving me down, and told me how he works at a car body shop and can do work on mine. You see, when I first moved here three summers ago, I initially was catching the metro to go to work. The first day I drove and trying to park in the garage, I miscalculated and drove into a white column. So pretty much, I’ve been driving a black car with white paint in the front bumper for 2 ½ yrs. I keep saying I’ll get around to getting it done but never did.

 

The guy told me he can do it for $270. That’s roughly how much I’ve been told when some other guy stopped me as well offering to do it on the spot. It, being to repair my car :D I called my coworker who knew about cars to check and he said that’s actually a pretty good price since body shops would charge $600 or so.

 

I just went ahead and got it done, waiting around in the parking lot with him, while his wife and son sat on their van. I’d have to say he did a pretty good job. It made me smile seeing my car the way it was when I first bought it since I’m planning to keep it for a while anyways. Now I just need to spend some time waxing my car since he told me it’s good to wax it every so often.  I’ve had the car for 4 yrs come December and he said it looks good for it being that old. I take care of it as much as I can though getting that one spot fixed was never put on my to-do list.

 

So yeah, it kinda threw my night off and I didn’t get to cook. Still, something good can come out of it. Funny how one action changes things completely. I somehow can’t keep that in my  head since usually, I don’t think of the consequences of things I do until someone brings it up.

 

I sooo wanna go home and nap and just skip class today… 7 ½ hrs before my day’s completely mine (T_T)

Not so screwed up weekend

So figured I’d be a good son and take my mom out to a theater. Instead of picking a drama that I wanted to see, ended up getting a ticket for Shear Madness. C- took me once and it was really funny that I thought I can take my mom so did just that.

 

Before going home that day though, I stopped by the library since I’ve been trying to borrow Screwed Up Life of Charlie the Second. Some blogger mentioned it and it seems that it was something I was gonna like so checked it out. I’ve been waiting weeks to get it since the one time, I was getting ready to pick it up, the roads to the library were all blocked since there was a festival going on. I just had to laugh and think it wasn’t meant to be, with cursing in between. They had some sale too so I got 5 books for $1, though one or two, I’ve read previously.

 

After getting home, I ended up calling my cousin since he called but I didn’t get to pick up. He just wanted to check on me after we went out the previous night as you heard from the video. It took some consideration before I asked him whether he’d want to go with us to see Shear Madness. I didn’t think it was his cup of tea but he liked the show, so all’s well. We had dinner beforehand at Cali Pizza Kitchen. I tried to enjoy the night but my mom would make comments that makes me wanna smack her. I cannot be the only one, right!? Haha

 

Saturday, was gonna go see a movie since they had a GLBT film festival. But my coworker and I were running a bit behind so we decided to just stay at Ruby Tuesday (classy!) and had dinner and a few drinks, and just talked. We saw Couples Retreat instead which had some good laughs. We went our separate ways since she’s catching the metro while I had to walk 8 blocks back to my car since the roads were closed off when I was on my way to the city.

 

So that, got home and didn’t feel sleepy so ended up being awake til 5, organizing my closet and watching Modern Family. I ended up liking the show and would have to watch it more. Good thing ABC had it up on their site. I was cracking up. They had a joke about the baby being named ‘Lala’ that took me a moment to realize, and I watched it like 5 more times. 

 

Sunday, I was gonna make my staying in day, do more cleaning, iron my clothes for the week, do laundry. I didn’t get around to the ironing part and ended up going to DC for dinner and had a few drinks. The bar was packed since it was the first day in the past seven days that it stopped raining.

 

Back to school Monday. I think I’m not gonna take classes in Spring. It’s funny, when I wasn’t taking any classes, I wanted to since it’ll give me something to do. And now, getting a bit annoyed since it keeps me busy. I actually prefer the ‘nothingness’ but then, if I find a balance and manage my time better, I’d be set. It’s been a long time since I volunteered so looking into that too.

 

So yea, the book was really good, it had me smiling, and reminded me of being in school, having crushes with guys but knowing nothing will come out of it. Meeting someone new, falling in love, doing it for the first time :D And coming to terms with who you are and being okay with it, acnes and all.

 

Aside from that, trying to get back in shape so started going to the gym last week. I actually went on a Saturday which is new to me. It felt like a sin going there when I could be home relaxing. I will go by myself for a bit, and if don’t see a lot of improvement, will get a trainer. I looked around but looks like the cheapest out there is $70/session for 24 sessions in 3 months. Is that the average? Anyone know?

15th

Addendum

So yea... I spoke to one of the managers and she has nothing but praises. She mentioned that the big boss is really happy with me, hence the bonus I got back in August, and that he's putting me in for a pay increase. That made me glad :D It'll be really nice if I get that slot though :D  She was asking if I want a home, and I felt like a kid saying yeeeeessss. I gotta call her again later so will see. Going to lunch now...

Shifts in life

I don't know if I've mentioned that they have me sorta temping again for another department. I have been since the 10th and probably will for another week.They haven't kept me busy as much as I hoped, and it sucks since I sit here, just thinking about stuff.

I've been reading a blogger's website and it's just been making me think about how I could have done things differently when I was in a relationship. At times, I don't realize how much I hurt other people until after the fact. I was having breakfast down at the shopping area and I'll admit I cried some while sitting there, trying to wipe it quick so people won't show. I was wondering how I made it known to C- that I needed him? Coz I sure as hell don't remember telling him so. I've gotten so used to not depending on others that it seemed so foreign opening up to C- or in a sense depending on him. I'd see things that needs to get done and instead of giving him things to do, I'd do 'em all and get frustrated about my inability to ask for help. That and among other things, insecurities thrown in were reasons that I had in splitting up with him. I just didn't want to hurt him anymore, but hurting him in the process of trying to prevent it. I just wanted to save him from me.

Even my mom, she comments from time to time that she's scared of me. Instead of casually brushing it off, I might have to just hear what she has to say. When I think about it, I'm not sure what happened along the way. Not having seen each other for like 8 years definitely played a role. I just don't know how to need her like I used to. I love her and all but there's been a shift along the way.

I was kinda off the other day, it built up as the day progressed that I wanted to be hugged and just be told that everything's gonnabe alright. Frustrated about.... I think I'm being impatient about getting moved to a different position here at the agency I work for. They've had me do like 4 "temp" spots since I started here, and I actually liked doing one of them. It's like move me already! And you talk to the higher ups and they tell you to get on the company website or talk to my supervisor when they're the ones who would actually make the decision so bleh.

Perhaps I'm just going through a funk. I'm hitting my 3 yrs here in DC and I'm getting the itch to move somewhere and start over. I sorta still have that mentality after having stayed in one place for only 2-3 years. There's nothing really keeping me here but then, where would I wanna go though....

As far as school goes, it's going just fine. We got our 2nd quiz for Precalc back and I got 24/40. After looking it over though, I realized my prof missed grading one question worth 8 points so scanned it last night and e-mailed him about it. Yay, my grades are improving granted it's just the 2nd quiz. Doing the assignments would definitely help more so need to get on that, instead of just looking over the notes and not doing anything else.

Quiet times

I'm not sure if this will work since I'm sending it through the e-mail feature but this song makes me cry when I listen to it. I just love Dido's songs :D



You ask me where I'd go tonight i go back to today last year.
When we knew how to make each other happy, and there's hope with everything.
Its hard enough to feel the world as it is and hold on anything.
Without these quiet times you've brought round here.

I'm gonna have to run away, i'm sure that i belong some other place.
I've seen another side of all i've seen it keeps me wondering where my family is.
Its hard enough to see the world as it is, and hold on anything.
Without these quiet times coming round here.

Now i miss you...
Now i want you...
But i can't have you...
Even when your here...

Suppose i have to take you with me, broken mind i'd rather leave you here.
To forget everything you've seen and known erase every idea.

And you walk up in the street, and hold my hand and smile.
Well i won't be taken in, 'cuz i know how it turns out.
And it takes me back to these quiet times coming round here.

Now i miss you...
Now i want you...
Your not coming back...
And i need you...
But i can't have you...
Even when your here...

Choices or chance

I deleted this entry after posting it but putting it back now. Thinking it through this morning, I'm writing from my point of view and how things affect me, which has nothing to do with other people. I can't blame 'em since this all happens inside.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you know!? I was doing laundry last Thursday and ended up getting locked out of the apartment. I forgot that the lock has problems where it stays locked even after it lets you in with your key and all. It happened around 6 pm and I think I showered before hand and put on my home clothes. I tried forcing the door a few times but alas, it won't open. I knocked on the neighbor's door and asked if I can go through the balconies and try getting in from there but it was locked too!

   I guess am glad my mom only worked a mile away, and here I was pushing her to look for other jobs haha. It was kinda breezy but oh well, I wanted to get back in. While walking, I realized why I don't wear boxers. I wear it when I go to bed but aside from that, I don't. Somehow I decided to wear boxers and I was tenting a lot during the trek. I ended up grabbing a newspaper to cover it since I kept thinking stuff that got me horny, way to pick a time Kris.

   Saturday, ended up hanging out with one coworker since the one that I was supposed to see never got back to me. I thought it was unusual of her not to respond but I found out she had problems with her telephone. So just hang out for a few years and drove to DC for a bit to look at the Real World house. Went out that night and it was okay, I guess I'm not so much of a going out person like I thought.

    Aside from that, with school and stuff, we have a quiz today in both classes. I'm not sure sometimes what causes my proscrastination. I had a few hours to do stuff after getting back from the gym, somehow ended up doing things but schoolwork. I'm just gonna study later since I get off at 2:30 and class don't start til 4:30. I really haven't had a big think lately so that's a good thing. Once in a while, I get lonely/bored but I think it happens to all. It's funny getting that feeling that you wanna be with someone but at the same time, you don't. I miss C- at times, just having someone to do things with. But then, I'm not gonna try to get back with him just because of that. I'm still trying to figure some things out. I think come summer, I'm gonna find a place and live on my own. My mom's been fine to live with, and of course, here comes the but. I find myself getting annoyed by random things, the way she tries to walk me to the door when I'm leaving for work, the clinging noise when she stirs her coffee. Things I know that shouldn't bother me but it does. Kris still has some growing up to do.

   Right now, they got me subbing again for another office. It's funny how I'm two buildings down from where I used to work when I first moved to DC. Makes me wonder sometimes how things would have been  if I stayed there. How things would have turned out and where I would be 2 1/2 years after the big move.. :) I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to be, or am I here because of my choices?

School is cool

It's been two weeks since classes started and it's been actually good so far. We had tests already this week and I can say I did well on them, even Precal. It does make a difference when one actually studies! Haha I'm retaking it since I had an epic fail last spring with the class. Granted I showed up in class, but didn't really do any work outside of class. And weird thing is, I know what I was doing and yet didn't do anything about it. One of those things I suppose. I'm changing though, granted I haven't done any of the homeworks to 'practice' on, I studied the formula at least and the notes at class so I actually knew

Aside from that, everything's been quiet for the most part. Just been working, and staying home mostly. Been reading the Harry Potter series this past few weeks and I'm on the 5th book now. It's kinda dry right now so haven't picked it up in a few days. The series is actually good, I'd end up staying up til like 1 finishing them instead of just waiting the next day. It's like "Oh my goddd, what happens next!!!?" *flip

It's been quiet on my end really. Today, will go home, wait on the Comcast guy to come. They were supposed to come by Saturday but somehow the appointment never got on the system so they told me they can do the install for free which normally costs $30 or give me HBO free for six months. I picked the HBO just so I can watch the season finale of True Blood. Coz I wanna do bad things with you.....


 

Again and again..

I've been back to work and in the DC area after going on a trip to Chicago with my mom. We were there for almost a week and mostly just did touristy things as can be seen when you click the picture. It was a good trip, I liked Chicago and would consider moving there, if only the winter doesn't get too cold haha I certainly am not a fan of the snow.

Right on the day we were leaving which was the 24th, and up til now, I've been getting headaches so that's been kicking my butt. I've gone to see a doctor but it's diagnosed at the moment as migraine. This is the longest I've ever had them so pretty much been laying low and staying home, even on the weekends. I was telling my mom how it's been a good thing since I'm not spending. Then, she turned around and said 'Well, you haven't been going out but you sure have been buying a lot online!' I'll admit I got carried away this past few weeks, pair of shoes here, book there, pants, belt, that's about it. I had to stop myself from buying another jacket at the store this past weekend. I think I might have a jacket fetish after all. I probably have about 12 now.

I really was glad this past weekend since I finally got to see Tracy Chapman! Her show was amazing, she sounded just like she did on her records. I'll admit I didn't know some of her new songs but it didn't take away from the experience. She sang all of my fave songs so that was really great. She even took a request by this one family that all got together to see her here in DC. I'm torn between The Promise and At this point in my life. I remember listening to the promise and crying, thinking it was my song to some of my loved ones, that even they're far away, I'll always be there for them. I actually named one of my blogs 'At this point in my life' but ended up keeping this one still . I probably have three or four 'hidden' blogs but I've never written posts on those. I don't know, when I feel the need to censor myself, I do consider it but at the end of the day, I still go back to this and opened up since it hasn't really hurt me doing so.

Now that summer will be over soon, I'm gonnabe taking classes again. I had to talk to one of the deans since I was foolish and flunked a class I was retaking. No excuses, I just don't apply myself from time to time. Looking back, I'd have all these things I set out to do, and I guess I get so hyped up that when the actual day comes, I just lose interest. Be it meeting new people for the first time, or experiencing something new. Like once it happens, I just go 'That was great" and that's the end of it, I lose interest.

I actually applied to 2 positions in Germany which I probably won't take. Well, there hasn't been any interviews or anything. I got bored at work and just went like, Hmm, get to live abroad again, suuure. They just posted the openings last week and I have a feeling they'll be getting a lot of people applying for it. I might just end up waiting since it's not like Germany's going anywhere, ya know? I can always visit and live there down the road. My plan was to get my Bachelor's by the time I turn 28 so that's 2 yrs from now, and if I move to Europe, I KNOW I won't be studying since I'm not a fan of online classes.

Reminds me of a 23 yr old I used to know. One would think he would have changed some by now...

Are you ?

Since the beginning, we have asked the same questions:
Am I safe? Am I important? Am I forgiven? Am I loved?

- Mary Pipher

Color me

Like I mentioned in the previous post, I'm putting up the colored, unedited pic that the photographer chose to go with her Perfect As Is series. After looking through, I realized that it's one where I don't look like I know I'm getting my picture taken, unlike this second one. My fave's the last one however...

Everyone wants love

Goddamnit. I'm crying here at my cube today after reading some This I Believe essays. I'm not sure what I'm gonnabe doing yet in the next few days since I'm temping for a different position so instead of being at the usual site, which is Maryland for me, I'm in DC.

I had to take yesterday off to get a procedure done. It was a same day surgery, and I ended up staying at the hospital for close to 7 hrs. I caught the cab since my mom doesn't know how to drive yet, and I didn't ask around except one if anybody can give me a ride. That's where my stubborn streak comes out, it's as if I have a hard time asking for help. I cried a little I'll admit since if C- was here, he would taken the day off and stayed with me the whole time like when I had a surgery last year. After I got home, I pretty much just rested and watched Mad Men and Weeds, and trying to tweak the Mac so I can put Windows in it as well.

Last night, I got upset with my mom for a moment since she was crying a bit since she was asking and saying how I've never spent a bday with my dad. I hate when she does that. She doesn't mean anything bad but sometimes, it bothers me when she thinks about things like this. It's like she burders herself with more hurt and take on other people's pain, i.e. mine. I really wouldn't say I'm in denial about this whole relationship with my dad. After I came out to him April of last year, communication has pretty much stopped between us. I've reached out twice and will leave it at that.

I guess sometimes you just come to the realization that everybody can't or wouldn't love you. As hard as that might be, one just has to live with it. It's happened to me, I ended up liking some folks, and the feeling's not mutual so what can you do but move on. When it's the same, I've met guys that liked me but I didn't like them back the way they wanted me to. I wish it was any different, and as much as you try not to hurt people, it is bound to happen and it's only up to them when they want to move on.

Love is such an interesting thing. Sometimes you get too focused on getting it from someone that if you only stay still long enough, you realize the ones you have is actually enough. I've met some bloggers who I've come to love deeply, and who's been my confidant when I'm going through the hard times and the good times. Thinking of them makes me smile. I've realized that you come to a point where you create your own family, and one that doesn't have to be linked by blood.

Yesterday, after just having to lay down and not read or play with my cell, it just got me thinking how nothing's an accident. It mainly applied to C, and how I think we needed to be in each other's lives when we met. I hated it at times when we'd get into fights and stuff, but now looking back, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I used to wish we wouldn't have moved in together so soon when we get into arguments, yet at the same time, it all happened naturally.

Then the dog came in, which has become a child to me, without me realizing. Now I sit at home wondering how he's doing, but I can't really ask him haha. It always cracks me up thinking how it looked like his muzzle was dipped in black ink and stayed that way. Ahh pets, they love their owners with no conditions. I wish I can say the same, but am not quite there yet. It's quite conflicting since at the same time, I have conditions on how to be loved. If you do this or that, it means you love me. If you don't call me, maybe you don't after all.

But one must remember that people can't always love you the way you want them to. Just because they couldn't doesn't mean the feeling's not there, they just have a different way of showing it.

Do you love or hate it?

I came accross this excerpt a while ago as to where, I can't recall. Whenever I get a downtime at work, I usually read quotations, essays and keep notes of the ones that touch me in a way. Here's one of them by an author I've never heard of either...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
--Neil Gaiman

Natural portrait

The photographer sent me the unedited pics last night, yay! I have all of them in colored but this is the one she picked to add to her series. I never noticed I had that many moles in my face. My mom was saying with all those moles, that's the reason I'm talkative. Thing though, I happen to be the opposite, same way that the Leo traits aren't applicable. Will put some of the other ones next time. Just realized all I've been putting up are pics lately, but life's been quiet so that's a good thing.