Came across this song after I got a free CD from a bookstore that just opened
27 February 2007
All About My Mother
I stayed in this weekend for a change after having gone out the previous weekend. My friend P- called me to see if I wanted to go to Chaos for a little bit but I'm not in the zone so told him I'm just doing some chores for the evening. I'd still have to go eventually since there are still some places I want to check out, JR's and Apex. P- told me though that I probably wouldn't want to go to Apex by myself since it's real loud but guess will just see when the time comes, maybe this Friday night?
It's weird how now I think about what I did Friday night and can vaguely remember it. I might have watched Paranoia Agent, or When Harry Met Sally but the disc started skipping so ended up just stopping the movie which kinda sucked. You get into it, and 20-30 mins into the movie, you have no choice but to put it off since I would have missed a good portion if the movie if I would jumped to a few chapters. I've never seen the movie in its entirety before but yessss! oh yesss! I've seen what scene the movie is known for.
C- texted close to 2 am telling me to "Come to Chaos!" like I would do that, drive out 20 mins then the club closes at 3. I suppose I could have gone seen him but it's annoying how I texted the day before asking what his plans were and he didn't respond whatsoever. Oh well, it's not like I'm his boyfriend so he's free to do what pleases him, and choose to get in contact with me or not. I pretty much wanted to see Reno 911 but didn't have anybody to go with soo yea, I think that's what bummed me out a little.
I slept in Saturday and woke up around 1030. Did I go to the gym!? Of course not..The time it took me to get out of bed, I could have gone and back but it was one of those days where I kinda wanted to what I wanted, and not what I'm supposed to, per say. I'm not really supposed to anything but that's not how life works sometimes. I got out of bed around noon, and ended up buying some phone cards online so I can call my mom. Well, I bought two cards, one for my mom and one to call my aunt who's probably a bit upset with me. She called me during work hours, and I was stressing out at work and probably shouldn't have picked up my phone, but answer away I did. It was her, and after the usual hi, how you doing? she passed it on to my 5-yr old cousin which some of you had seen when I posted her picture a while ago. Err, we really can't talk to each other much since she speaks Danish and I only know to speak Tagalog and English. After she told me how she was, I didn't know what else to say so I was just quiet on the line. Half a minute or so, you just hear someone crying and my aunt was back on the phone saying that my cousin cried since Kuya Dee (Kuya = older brother) didn't want to talk to her. Great. I told my Aunt that I'll just give her a call over the weekend which I intended to do.
I digress. I called my mom eventhough I knew it was past midnight in the Philippines already. She's house-sitting in Laguna since my grandma's left for Norway in the time being trying to get some matters taken care of before she goes back to the Phil again. My mom picked up which I was kinda glad about, since she said she was just listening to the radio. It was nice getting to talk to her again. Mainly what I was calling about was about her pending immigration to the U.S. I was checking if she's made an appointment with the hospital to get her physical done and some shots. She said that the Embassy will be the ones who'll set that all up as far as what day to go to the doctor, etc. I'm relieved it's almost done since it's been two years since we submitted the paperwork.
From then on, it just kinda stemmed out into other things. We got to talking about where she's gonna stay and such. I told her that it'll be better for her to just go to Florida and stay with my aunt while she's getting aclimated with the new country she's gonna be living in. I think my aunt would prefer that as well, since she really doesn't have any other family nearby, well my uncle's family's maybe two states away but it's still not the same. My aunt, who didn't set foot in Manila until after having been gone for 15 years. I don't think I could go that long without seeing my family. I tell them that heh, I'll see you when i see you but they know better than to believe that I guess. I'm a family man by heart. You see, we're all spread out in the world. Have two aunts that live in Europe, one in Florida, and my mom and the rest of the family back in the Philippines. My dad's side of the family doesn't count since they're virtually unknown to me until about a year or so ago. Having grown up surrounded by maybe 15 people, then dwindling down to about 4, then living all by myself was a major adjustment I had to do. Boy, was it rough! Not getting the much needed hugs and kisses from the family.
Getting back to my mother, she was talking about us living together once she comes here. I jokingly told her that that's just not gonna happen. I know it sounded harsh but we kinda were in the same situation back in 2005 when I was living in Japan. It was my last year there after being stationed at the base with the Air Force. I had my mom come to Japan since that way, she can come to the US with me, without having to wait years for the petition papers. She got there around February and was gonna live there until December during which I'm getting sent back to the States, as to where, I didn't know at that time. It was great, ya know. It's finally happening, this is it!
In one of my older posts, I've talked about how it was like for me growing up. With moving to the US, it was a ticket out for a better future for myself. However, at that time I came here, it wasn't even about that. All I really cared about was to meet my dad and nothing else which I think to a certain extent limited my dreams. After that happened, I just didn't know where to go from there. I really didn't envision living in the US, prior to that, I remember talking with my friends about us living together when we go to college. Moving to the states was just a notion that was distant from me. I've sorta accepted my fate, as much as I was questioning God, and life in general, there was nothing else I could have done. Thinking how the world would have been better off without me. My mom would have gone to Japan like she said she was going to before having met my dad, she would have had a good life etc. I know she loves me and all but hearing that growing up, I can't help not to feel responsible for all the things that happened....good and mostly the bad stuff.
We ended up living with her parents until I was about 14. In exchange of living with them, she did mostly all the household chores, cleaning, cooking, amongst other things. Well my grandad that passed away was a merchant marchine and eventually got a Norwegian citizenship. Through that, my youngest aunt and my grandma got to move there after he retired. He went back to the Philippines, and my mom was much pretty much acting grandma at that time. She fulfilled my grandma's duties. Well not all, PERV! In exchange of that, we stayed at their house and they pretty much supported us, roof over our head, clothing, and food, something my father was supposed to provide, not even for us, but for me at least. The financial support pretty much stopped after he got out of the Navy which was 1987, four years after I was born. During that time, I was in either kindergarten or nursery, I always forget which comes first. Ok, this is something I was let on way later. After my class, I remember me and my mom usually going to a church nearby the school. Ok, she told me that the reason that we went there was that so we wouldn't spend that much time in the house. Thing is some of the family is ashamed of her for having a son out of wedlock, let alone with a foreigner. I'm glad to an extent that I knew who my father was, coz there were some amerasian kids who didn't know their father at all. All their mom knew was the guy's first name and nothing else. My parents did live together and what not, so I can say that there was love between them. I've heard the stories and seen the pictures.
My dad and my stepmom visited around 1986 and that was pretty much the last I saw of him. Of course, just being two I don't remember any of it though funny thing is, my very first memory was with my dad at a swimming pool. They told me it was some resort around where the Navy base was that they, my mom and my aunts, met up with my dad and stepmom. After that visit, that was pretty much the last of it as far as seeing my dad. Can you see why I wanted nothing more?
Growing up, I've seen first hand the abuse my mom went through. For the life of me, I can't fathom why she just didn't up and left my grandparent's house and start over some place else. Well mostly verbal abuse from my uncle and grandpa, and a slap here and there, or a punch in the face. It was directed at my mom, they never touched me and I remember just sitting there, and thinking Why are they doing this to her? Of course, I was a child and I could not have done anything. This usually happened when those two men got drunk, they'd barge in the house 2, 3 in the morning just screaming. I think that's why I'm too jumpy up to this day. At times, we'd sneak out of the back door and head over to a neighbor's house or to a nearby relatives'. Then, tip toeing around 6 in the morning so I can get ready for school. I can laugh about it but now, but I remember us getting chased down in the street, and taking refuge in a neighbor's house. They are one of our close friends few doors down, and me and my mom would be hiding behind the front door while the lady talks to my drunken grandfather telling him to let the mother and child be. This went on 'til I was about 14 when we finally moved out and got our own place but this was something to due to a different family drama. Pretty much those other times, we'd stay at a relatives' for a little while, then my mom decides to come back. One time, we finally got a place. Granted it was like 3 blocks away from the house it was our own. The conditions weren't the greatest, okay it was about 10' by 11' room which didn't have any windows whatsoever except for a square opening that really doesn't give you any view. When you peek out of it, all you can see is a canal between two houses, with rats! Hahaha, some even bigger than a kitten. Being a kid, I just laughed and got excited seeing them. Right above us, there were maybe three prostitutes that lived in that room. That's a harsh word, but they were really good people. Way I'd make money is I'd get them some bath water and they'd give me some change. Nice. This didn't last long either. My grandma went home from Norway, and after they had their talks and such, my mom and I went back to live at their house again.
If you would have passed me by, you wouldn't even know that all of these were happening. Keeping it all in, not having anybody to talk to. I questioned the existence of God (being raised Catholic). Asking him, why'd my life have to be this difficult? Why can't it be like the other's? Something simple. A home with a mother and a father, is that too much to ask? A dad who would have cared enough to visit? One can't help not to feel angry sometimes. I didn't lash out on the world. I didn't take this out on anybody, I internalized it all in, I think a little bit too much. I didn't act out and failed my classes, didn't resort to drinking or any sort of substance abuse. I did great in school, earning honors and awards, being part of quiz bee's and the school newspaper, being part of the dance company and even the junior police. To be honest, I'm not really sure who I did all those for. Maybe for my dad, getting him to acknowledge me and be told that I'm proud. Or maybe to show my family and to the other people that I did good for a fatherless child. Maybe for my mom, to show that her sacrifices weren't in vain. Or maybe I did it just because, no rhyme or reason. I'm not one who seeks out competition so that can't be 'competetiveness' either. I really could care less who the number one is.
When we talk about this, my mom would say how she's really glad I was understanding about all of these. I knew my place in the world, and I really wasn't demanding either. I knew what I can or can't have so just kept my mouth shut since I know I can't have it anyways even if I would have asked so I just didn't. Like she told me, be grateful for what you get. Through her, I saw that you can't make anyone responsible for what you want.
After having left the Philippines, I did two years of high school and joined the military two months after graduation. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do. There were different motivations as to why I did. One was to be able to help my mom out. During that time, that was really my main motivation, was to better her life. I wasn't even thinking of me. When I think back, I find it kinda odd that I was really afraid about life after high school, I joined the military instead of going to school. Guess I wanted to make money and send her some which was back then felt like the right thing to do. At first I didn't mind, but sometimes I can't help not to think how I'm a single guy, and I don't get to keep my paycheck to myself.
During these time, living alone in a foreign land, all these supressed emotions and questions crept in on me. Just being there in my room, alone in my thoughts got to be too overwhelming at times. I coped the best I could, though it probably wasn't the best way in some instances. At the time, it felt like it was the right thing to do however. I had to sort through this alone, finding the answers I need to find.
I got to hear my dad's side of the story as well. I don't even remember what his responses were, but it seemed silly sometimes. He never visited since he doesn't like to fly. I thought that was dumb, if I had a son somewhere, I sure as hell would do everything I could to see him. Or write him a letter or call him. Something to cling on to when the life gets to be too much to take. Being that far away, that's all I could really have. It's not enough to hear one say I love you, but never backing that claim up. I needed to feel it, enough to where I could believe it. Not to be left wondering whether I'm that unloveable. Of course, now I realize that that isn't true. I had love all around me but I got too busy trying to illicit those words from my dad, that I made him proud.
He and my mom actually had an agreement that I was gonna come live with him in the US when I turn six years old. My mom changed her mind since she got scared that she might not see me again. She kept me. My dad, he told me he didn't want to go and take me away from her since he didn't want me to hate him because of it. Sometimes, I get angry about all this. How different my life could have been!? Maybe a bit easier? Seeing my brother, I can't help not to wonder hey that could have been me. Going to school, taking piano lessons. I'm just jealous sometimes.
With my mom living in Japan with me, the military got us an apartment and everything. Air force is good. She got on my nerves though about her constant complaining. Food here sucks, it's too cold, I'm not eating that. It just got to me, so she ended up just going back to the Philippines. During this time, what pained me was it made me question about my decision joining the military in the first place. Her and the family won't shut up about petitioning her, and when I did, that's how she acted!? I was one angry airman. After that, it didn't feel good about helping them anymore. It felt like a burden when I know it shouldn't be. I just hated it, I'm single yet it feels like I'm married.
She complains and complains about the condition in the Philippines, but I sit there thinking, what if I didn't petition you? What then? What's gonna happen to you? It's nice to dream about going to the US, but I don't think one should just wait around for that day to happen and not do anything else. I can't help not to feel like I'm just a ticket for a better life abroad. I love her and all but still...
After this whole Japan incident, I just don't see my mom in the same light any longer. I realized that she's the one responsible for the life she had. She would say that she did it all for me which to an extent is really true. I am grateful, but with hearing that, it worries me sometimes that I'll do things out of guilt rather than love. During our conversation, she's making all these plans with me in it. I kept telling her Think about you and your husband, 'ma. I try to make her see that I'm out of the picture in a sense, that we can't go back to the days where the three of us are living in the same roof. I told her I love you, but I just don't see it happening. Please understand that I'm my own person now and things aren't like they used to. I was getting choked up since it made me want to go back to those days when all I needed was her love and believe when she says Everything's gonna be alright.
She's a great person, she gives love freely without expecting anything in return, she remembers all the important dates, she has keepsakes for special occasions. I don't think I give her enough credit sometimes, usually calling her crazy which she is. But hey, if it wasn't for crazy, here I wouldn't be.
It's weird how now I think about what I did Friday night and can vaguely remember it. I might have watched Paranoia Agent, or When Harry Met Sally but the disc started skipping so ended up just stopping the movie which kinda sucked. You get into it, and 20-30 mins into the movie, you have no choice but to put it off since I would have missed a good portion if the movie if I would jumped to a few chapters. I've never seen the movie in its entirety before but yessss! oh yesss! I've seen what scene the movie is known for.
C- texted close to 2 am telling me to "Come to Chaos!" like I would do that, drive out 20 mins then the club closes at 3. I suppose I could have gone seen him but it's annoying how I texted the day before asking what his plans were and he didn't respond whatsoever. Oh well, it's not like I'm his boyfriend so he's free to do what pleases him, and choose to get in contact with me or not. I pretty much wanted to see Reno 911 but didn't have anybody to go with soo yea, I think that's what bummed me out a little.
I slept in Saturday and woke up around 1030. Did I go to the gym!? Of course not..The time it took me to get out of bed, I could have gone and back but it was one of those days where I kinda wanted to what I wanted, and not what I'm supposed to, per say. I'm not really supposed to anything but that's not how life works sometimes. I got out of bed around noon, and ended up buying some phone cards online so I can call my mom. Well, I bought two cards, one for my mom and one to call my aunt who's probably a bit upset with me. She called me during work hours, and I was stressing out at work and probably shouldn't have picked up my phone, but answer away I did. It was her, and after the usual hi, how you doing? she passed it on to my 5-yr old cousin which some of you had seen when I posted her picture a while ago. Err, we really can't talk to each other much since she speaks Danish and I only know to speak Tagalog and English. After she told me how she was, I didn't know what else to say so I was just quiet on the line. Half a minute or so, you just hear someone crying and my aunt was back on the phone saying that my cousin cried since Kuya Dee (Kuya = older brother) didn't want to talk to her. Great. I told my Aunt that I'll just give her a call over the weekend which I intended to do.
I digress. I called my mom eventhough I knew it was past midnight in the Philippines already. She's house-sitting in Laguna since my grandma's left for Norway in the time being trying to get some matters taken care of before she goes back to the Phil again. My mom picked up which I was kinda glad about, since she said she was just listening to the radio. It was nice getting to talk to her again. Mainly what I was calling about was about her pending immigration to the U.S. I was checking if she's made an appointment with the hospital to get her physical done and some shots. She said that the Embassy will be the ones who'll set that all up as far as what day to go to the doctor, etc. I'm relieved it's almost done since it's been two years since we submitted the paperwork.
From then on, it just kinda stemmed out into other things. We got to talking about where she's gonna stay and such. I told her that it'll be better for her to just go to Florida and stay with my aunt while she's getting aclimated with the new country she's gonna be living in. I think my aunt would prefer that as well, since she really doesn't have any other family nearby, well my uncle's family's maybe two states away but it's still not the same. My aunt, who didn't set foot in Manila until after having been gone for 15 years. I don't think I could go that long without seeing my family. I tell them that heh, I'll see you when i see you but they know better than to believe that I guess. I'm a family man by heart. You see, we're all spread out in the world. Have two aunts that live in Europe, one in Florida, and my mom and the rest of the family back in the Philippines. My dad's side of the family doesn't count since they're virtually unknown to me until about a year or so ago. Having grown up surrounded by maybe 15 people, then dwindling down to about 4, then living all by myself was a major adjustment I had to do. Boy, was it rough! Not getting the much needed hugs and kisses from the family.
Getting back to my mother, she was talking about us living together once she comes here. I jokingly told her that that's just not gonna happen. I know it sounded harsh but we kinda were in the same situation back in 2005 when I was living in Japan. It was my last year there after being stationed at the base with the Air Force. I had my mom come to Japan since that way, she can come to the US with me, without having to wait years for the petition papers. She got there around February and was gonna live there until December during which I'm getting sent back to the States, as to where, I didn't know at that time. It was great, ya know. It's finally happening, this is it!
In one of my older posts, I've talked about how it was like for me growing up. With moving to the US, it was a ticket out for a better future for myself. However, at that time I came here, it wasn't even about that. All I really cared about was to meet my dad and nothing else which I think to a certain extent limited my dreams. After that happened, I just didn't know where to go from there. I really didn't envision living in the US, prior to that, I remember talking with my friends about us living together when we go to college. Moving to the states was just a notion that was distant from me. I've sorta accepted my fate, as much as I was questioning God, and life in general, there was nothing else I could have done. Thinking how the world would have been better off without me. My mom would have gone to Japan like she said she was going to before having met my dad, she would have had a good life etc. I know she loves me and all but hearing that growing up, I can't help not to feel responsible for all the things that happened....good and mostly the bad stuff.
We ended up living with her parents until I was about 14. In exchange of living with them, she did mostly all the household chores, cleaning, cooking, amongst other things. Well my grandad that passed away was a merchant marchine and eventually got a Norwegian citizenship. Through that, my youngest aunt and my grandma got to move there after he retired. He went back to the Philippines, and my mom was much pretty much acting grandma at that time. She fulfilled my grandma's duties. Well not all, PERV! In exchange of that, we stayed at their house and they pretty much supported us, roof over our head, clothing, and food, something my father was supposed to provide, not even for us, but for me at least. The financial support pretty much stopped after he got out of the Navy which was 1987, four years after I was born. During that time, I was in either kindergarten or nursery, I always forget which comes first. Ok, this is something I was let on way later. After my class, I remember me and my mom usually going to a church nearby the school. Ok, she told me that the reason that we went there was that so we wouldn't spend that much time in the house. Thing is some of the family is ashamed of her for having a son out of wedlock, let alone with a foreigner. I'm glad to an extent that I knew who my father was, coz there were some amerasian kids who didn't know their father at all. All their mom knew was the guy's first name and nothing else. My parents did live together and what not, so I can say that there was love between them. I've heard the stories and seen the pictures.
My dad and my stepmom visited around 1986 and that was pretty much the last I saw of him. Of course, just being two I don't remember any of it though funny thing is, my very first memory was with my dad at a swimming pool. They told me it was some resort around where the Navy base was that they, my mom and my aunts, met up with my dad and stepmom. After that visit, that was pretty much the last of it as far as seeing my dad. Can you see why I wanted nothing more?
Growing up, I've seen first hand the abuse my mom went through. For the life of me, I can't fathom why she just didn't up and left my grandparent's house and start over some place else. Well mostly verbal abuse from my uncle and grandpa, and a slap here and there, or a punch in the face. It was directed at my mom, they never touched me and I remember just sitting there, and thinking Why are they doing this to her? Of course, I was a child and I could not have done anything. This usually happened when those two men got drunk, they'd barge in the house 2, 3 in the morning just screaming. I think that's why I'm too jumpy up to this day. At times, we'd sneak out of the back door and head over to a neighbor's house or to a nearby relatives'. Then, tip toeing around 6 in the morning so I can get ready for school. I can laugh about it but now, but I remember us getting chased down in the street, and taking refuge in a neighbor's house. They are one of our close friends few doors down, and me and my mom would be hiding behind the front door while the lady talks to my drunken grandfather telling him to let the mother and child be. This went on 'til I was about 14 when we finally moved out and got our own place but this was something to due to a different family drama. Pretty much those other times, we'd stay at a relatives' for a little while, then my mom decides to come back. One time, we finally got a place. Granted it was like 3 blocks away from the house it was our own. The conditions weren't the greatest, okay it was about 10' by 11' room which didn't have any windows whatsoever except for a square opening that really doesn't give you any view. When you peek out of it, all you can see is a canal between two houses, with rats! Hahaha, some even bigger than a kitten. Being a kid, I just laughed and got excited seeing them. Right above us, there were maybe three prostitutes that lived in that room. That's a harsh word, but they were really good people. Way I'd make money is I'd get them some bath water and they'd give me some change. Nice. This didn't last long either. My grandma went home from Norway, and after they had their talks and such, my mom and I went back to live at their house again.
If you would have passed me by, you wouldn't even know that all of these were happening. Keeping it all in, not having anybody to talk to. I questioned the existence of God (being raised Catholic). Asking him, why'd my life have to be this difficult? Why can't it be like the other's? Something simple. A home with a mother and a father, is that too much to ask? A dad who would have cared enough to visit? One can't help not to feel angry sometimes. I didn't lash out on the world. I didn't take this out on anybody, I internalized it all in, I think a little bit too much. I didn't act out and failed my classes, didn't resort to drinking or any sort of substance abuse. I did great in school, earning honors and awards, being part of quiz bee's and the school newspaper, being part of the dance company and even the junior police. To be honest, I'm not really sure who I did all those for. Maybe for my dad, getting him to acknowledge me and be told that I'm proud. Or maybe to show my family and to the other people that I did good for a fatherless child. Maybe for my mom, to show that her sacrifices weren't in vain. Or maybe I did it just because, no rhyme or reason. I'm not one who seeks out competition so that can't be 'competetiveness' either. I really could care less who the number one is.
When we talk about this, my mom would say how she's really glad I was understanding about all of these. I knew my place in the world, and I really wasn't demanding either. I knew what I can or can't have so just kept my mouth shut since I know I can't have it anyways even if I would have asked so I just didn't. Like she told me, be grateful for what you get. Through her, I saw that you can't make anyone responsible for what you want.
After having left the Philippines, I did two years of high school and joined the military two months after graduation. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do. There were different motivations as to why I did. One was to be able to help my mom out. During that time, that was really my main motivation, was to better her life. I wasn't even thinking of me. When I think back, I find it kinda odd that I was really afraid about life after high school, I joined the military instead of going to school. Guess I wanted to make money and send her some which was back then felt like the right thing to do. At first I didn't mind, but sometimes I can't help not to think how I'm a single guy, and I don't get to keep my paycheck to myself.
During these time, living alone in a foreign land, all these supressed emotions and questions crept in on me. Just being there in my room, alone in my thoughts got to be too overwhelming at times. I coped the best I could, though it probably wasn't the best way in some instances. At the time, it felt like it was the right thing to do however. I had to sort through this alone, finding the answers I need to find.
I got to hear my dad's side of the story as well. I don't even remember what his responses were, but it seemed silly sometimes. He never visited since he doesn't like to fly. I thought that was dumb, if I had a son somewhere, I sure as hell would do everything I could to see him. Or write him a letter or call him. Something to cling on to when the life gets to be too much to take. Being that far away, that's all I could really have. It's not enough to hear one say I love you, but never backing that claim up. I needed to feel it, enough to where I could believe it. Not to be left wondering whether I'm that unloveable. Of course, now I realize that that isn't true. I had love all around me but I got too busy trying to illicit those words from my dad, that I made him proud.
He and my mom actually had an agreement that I was gonna come live with him in the US when I turn six years old. My mom changed her mind since she got scared that she might not see me again. She kept me. My dad, he told me he didn't want to go and take me away from her since he didn't want me to hate him because of it. Sometimes, I get angry about all this. How different my life could have been!? Maybe a bit easier? Seeing my brother, I can't help not to wonder hey that could have been me. Going to school, taking piano lessons. I'm just jealous sometimes.
With my mom living in Japan with me, the military got us an apartment and everything. Air force is good. She got on my nerves though about her constant complaining. Food here sucks, it's too cold, I'm not eating that. It just got to me, so she ended up just going back to the Philippines. During this time, what pained me was it made me question about my decision joining the military in the first place. Her and the family won't shut up about petitioning her, and when I did, that's how she acted!? I was one angry airman. After that, it didn't feel good about helping them anymore. It felt like a burden when I know it shouldn't be. I just hated it, I'm single yet it feels like I'm married.
She complains and complains about the condition in the Philippines, but I sit there thinking, what if I didn't petition you? What then? What's gonna happen to you? It's nice to dream about going to the US, but I don't think one should just wait around for that day to happen and not do anything else. I can't help not to feel like I'm just a ticket for a better life abroad. I love her and all but still...
After this whole Japan incident, I just don't see my mom in the same light any longer. I realized that she's the one responsible for the life she had. She would say that she did it all for me which to an extent is really true. I am grateful, but with hearing that, it worries me sometimes that I'll do things out of guilt rather than love. During our conversation, she's making all these plans with me in it. I kept telling her Think about you and your husband, 'ma. I try to make her see that I'm out of the picture in a sense, that we can't go back to the days where the three of us are living in the same roof. I told her I love you, but I just don't see it happening. Please understand that I'm my own person now and things aren't like they used to. I was getting choked up since it made me want to go back to those days when all I needed was her love and believe when she says Everything's gonna be alright.
She's a great person, she gives love freely without expecting anything in return, she remembers all the important dates, she has keepsakes for special occasions. I don't think I give her enough credit sometimes, usually calling her crazy which she is. But hey, if it wasn't for crazy, here I wouldn't be.
23 February 2007
Call me Miguel
I told my coworkers to start calling me that since another guy just started working at the Helpdesk has the same name as I do. I can't go by my last name either since another tech has a name that just sounds like it though his is -an insted of -en. These two guys I was in the same class with called me Miguel for reasons I would never know. I asked one of them, why call me that and he told me I just looked like a Miguel, like that explains it but I got used to it so maybe will start having people call me that. Or I could go with Topher but I've only been called that by one person in my lifetime.
I might have forgotten to mention that I almost got a ticket the previous weekend. I was trying to get to my M-'s hotel and I ended up making a left turn from the middle lane when I shouldn't have. The roads here can be confusing. I didn't realize there was a cop on my left side and sure enough, she got behind me in no time. That's when I realized my mistake so just went ahead and pulled over to the side of the street. Before whenever I passed by people who are stopped, I used to think sucka! Won't be doing that again! I was kinda laughing since I can't believe what was happening. She came up to by my window and asked me if I knew the reason she stopped me, and I just said, I made a left turn from the middle lane? She explained to me how I wasn't supposed to, where I could make turns from, etc and I just nodded with that what you're saying is interesting look on my face. I did know it was my fault so I know better than to stir things up with a cop. Oh no you dien't!! She ended up just giving me a warning, which I was glad about.
Aside from that, it's been quiet. Been working, then hit the gym and go home mostly. I'll admit not having friends get to me on some days, but guess I'll have to just wait and be more patient. I'm trying to find ways to meet people, will start volunteering more, and just be more outgoing, or try to. I'm kinda seeing C- but I don't know, I'd see him like every few weeks so that doesn't count. I'd seriously take friends any day over than getting into a relationship. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but friendships are longer lasting. Either way, I'm TRYING not to let it get to me. It gets frustrating sometimes but am trying not to. When it feels like I'm sinking, I just try to find ways to fight it. Like this Wednesday, the night before it was the first time I got to sleep for eight hours, and I was more tired than I have ever been. I didn't feel 'right' after I left work, and got home and showered to wash the feelings away. Didn't help much either so stepped out for a while and just caught a movie. Saw Dreamgirls since I've been meaning to see it since Christmas time with some guy. I liked it, this was the first time I watched a 'musical' at the theater. I wanted to see what the fuss was about and yes, it was a good movie indeed.
I also met someone at a bookstore. I stopped at Border's back on V-day to pass the time and a guy sat across from me and made a little conversation. At first he asked if it was my cup sitting on the table, and told him no, it wasn't. I was nibbling on my Baskin and Robbins ice cream at the time. I went to the mall after I got off work, and ended up just getting a pizza for dinner when I was supposed to be at the gym *grin I picked up this really interesting book by Osho and figured I'll just read it for a bit since I didn't want to buy it since it's not as new as it should be. He started asking about the coffee shop and I really didn't know since I've never bought anything from it, and from there, we ended up talking. Found out where he was from, were his family is, though I don't recall what exactly he did. He's 33 but I thought he was about the same age as I am. We exchanged numbers but will see, I think he's straight but regardless, that was nice getting to strike up a conversation with a stranger. When my mom used to do that, I'd stay a few feet away from her since it embarrassed me how she can get into lengthy coneversations with people we come across, in the bus, at the mall, wherever. She doesn't run out! Boy, do I miss her sometimes.
She knows about me now, I came clean this past summer though she cried a bit, not so much because of it but that I kept a part of myself hidden from her. She felt that she missed out that I haven't confided this to her the longest, about getting my heart bruised, crushes, etc. Either way, she knows now though sometimes I think she wished things were different. She mentioned that she wanted to see how her grandkids would have looked like, etc. Sometimes I wish it was too, it would have been much simpler. But it isn't and nothing can really change that.
I guess with the Aunt that I've been talking with, I have a feeling that she knows. She was telling me how this or that cousin is gay, but she loves them nonetheless. My ears got really warm after hearing that, and I think if I sensed that she knew, she probably does. She's said something to that effect before as well, that my cousin told her something about me but that it's not gonna change anything. So that, just thought about it I guess and wanted to put it down to words. Maybe I'll make that NY trip come next month, it's been almost a year since I went there for the first time and I sure do miss it.
Either way, just thinking about the family made me smile. I came across a post right before I went to bed and it made me cry and laugh thinking about what happened last summer. Guess I carried the thoughts over since it was the last thing on my mind as I went to bed. I'm glad I have them, since really sometimes, love alone is enough.
I might have forgotten to mention that I almost got a ticket the previous weekend. I was trying to get to my M-'s hotel and I ended up making a left turn from the middle lane when I shouldn't have. The roads here can be confusing. I didn't realize there was a cop on my left side and sure enough, she got behind me in no time. That's when I realized my mistake so just went ahead and pulled over to the side of the street. Before whenever I passed by people who are stopped, I used to think sucka! Won't be doing that again! I was kinda laughing since I can't believe what was happening. She came up to by my window and asked me if I knew the reason she stopped me, and I just said, I made a left turn from the middle lane? She explained to me how I wasn't supposed to, where I could make turns from, etc and I just nodded with that what you're saying is interesting look on my face. I did know it was my fault so I know better than to stir things up with a cop. Oh no you dien't!! She ended up just giving me a warning, which I was glad about.
Aside from that, it's been quiet. Been working, then hit the gym and go home mostly. I'll admit not having friends get to me on some days, but guess I'll have to just wait and be more patient. I'm trying to find ways to meet people, will start volunteering more, and just be more outgoing, or try to. I'm kinda seeing C- but I don't know, I'd see him like every few weeks so that doesn't count. I'd seriously take friends any day over than getting into a relationship. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but friendships are longer lasting. Either way, I'm TRYING not to let it get to me. It gets frustrating sometimes but am trying not to. When it feels like I'm sinking, I just try to find ways to fight it. Like this Wednesday, the night before it was the first time I got to sleep for eight hours, and I was more tired than I have ever been. I didn't feel 'right' after I left work, and got home and showered to wash the feelings away. Didn't help much either so stepped out for a while and just caught a movie. Saw Dreamgirls since I've been meaning to see it since Christmas time with some guy. I liked it, this was the first time I watched a 'musical' at the theater. I wanted to see what the fuss was about and yes, it was a good movie indeed.
I also met someone at a bookstore. I stopped at Border's back on V-day to pass the time and a guy sat across from me and made a little conversation. At first he asked if it was my cup sitting on the table, and told him no, it wasn't. I was nibbling on my Baskin and Robbins ice cream at the time. I went to the mall after I got off work, and ended up just getting a pizza for dinner when I was supposed to be at the gym *grin I picked up this really interesting book by Osho and figured I'll just read it for a bit since I didn't want to buy it since it's not as new as it should be. He started asking about the coffee shop and I really didn't know since I've never bought anything from it, and from there, we ended up talking. Found out where he was from, were his family is, though I don't recall what exactly he did. He's 33 but I thought he was about the same age as I am. We exchanged numbers but will see, I think he's straight but regardless, that was nice getting to strike up a conversation with a stranger. When my mom used to do that, I'd stay a few feet away from her since it embarrassed me how she can get into lengthy coneversations with people we come across, in the bus, at the mall, wherever. She doesn't run out! Boy, do I miss her sometimes.
She knows about me now, I came clean this past summer though she cried a bit, not so much because of it but that I kept a part of myself hidden from her. She felt that she missed out that I haven't confided this to her the longest, about getting my heart bruised, crushes, etc. Either way, she knows now though sometimes I think she wished things were different. She mentioned that she wanted to see how her grandkids would have looked like, etc. Sometimes I wish it was too, it would have been much simpler. But it isn't and nothing can really change that.
I guess with the Aunt that I've been talking with, I have a feeling that she knows. She was telling me how this or that cousin is gay, but she loves them nonetheless. My ears got really warm after hearing that, and I think if I sensed that she knew, she probably does. She's said something to that effect before as well, that my cousin told her something about me but that it's not gonna change anything. So that, just thought about it I guess and wanted to put it down to words. Maybe I'll make that NY trip come next month, it's been almost a year since I went there for the first time and I sure do miss it.
Either way, just thinking about the family made me smile. I came across a post right before I went to bed and it made me cry and laugh thinking about what happened last summer. Guess I carried the thoughts over since it was the last thing on my mind as I went to bed. I'm glad I have them, since really sometimes, love alone is enough.
18 February 2007
Stuck on ice
I'm now up after having slept for about four hours. I spent the night out and was close calling it a day until I got to the apartment. My car got stuck in the snow... frozen snow and I'm now waiting for the towing service to come by which from the automated message I got would be here within two hours. I messed up my front tire trying to get out of it, and I could really be pissed right now but that's not gonna do me any good, would it?
The weekend's been good otherwise. I just stayed in Friday after getting home from work. Hang around doing nothing before finally forcing myself to go to the gym. My trial period's about done so would have to go more often now that I'm a paying member. I think I lost some weight already so that's a good thing. I'm around 157 and has hovered around 165-175 the past four years. I weighed 145 lbs before joining the military and didn't realize how skinny I looked until I saw some pictures from way back when. Don't forget to bring a towel! is Towlie's advice and yet, I forgot to bring one with me. And boy did I sweat while running! I really considered just going home right after but having skipped the gym for almost a week, I chose to stay instead and do the weights as well. And man, were there some hot bods walking around. I wanted to come up to one and just start touching him. He had a nice one, body that is and maybe I'll get to that one day. I want to build a bit of muscle eventually.
Before going to the gym, I made a quick stop at the library to return some books I borrowed. I'm trying to get back to reading again, which was all I did when I was in Florida. Can't really use the net, it's called unlimited! but they didn't let us stay on it for long lord. And to think before that, I chatted just about daily after school. You pay $1 per hour in the Philippines and I'd get on and just chat away. I did enjoy talking to people from all over, with some I even corresponded with snail mails. Getting back to the library, I returned the books Whatever Makes You Happy and Soul Kiss. Soul Kiss I enjoyed reading and would have to actually buy. I can relate more to the character how she had to stay with her mom's family and her dad who's she's never met lives in California. It was just good, one of those books you can reread over and over and not get tired of.
Saturday, I ended up going to a birthday party I wasn't sure I was gonna go to. It was the same folks who I met for the christmas gathering back in December. I really didn't know what to get for the birthday boy and considered just getting a cake. Jon saved me though, and made me a realize how that would have been a no-no to bring a cake when there's gonna be one already. I brought a bottle of wine, and a gift card since I'm not friends with the guy enough to know his likes or dislikes. It was fun, I got to see these two women that I adored from last time. There isn't any guys my age so made do what I had. Funny how I got a girl's number again, what's up with that!?
I left around 11:30 pm to make my way out to DC and meet up with C-. We're kinda dating I guess. We've hang out like two or three times, few weeks in between. I met him early last month and I've seen him what, four times? It was a pain trying to find a parking spot in DC but I did eventually, after driving around for half an hour. He and his friends were at a bar and grilled called Front Page in the Dupont Circle. It was nice, I got to meet more of his friends and coworkers. I just mostly hang around the bar, dancing here and there when I knew what song was playing. C-'s a social butterfly, going out to bars or parties when he can. It looks like his friends really adore him, it seems like when I kinda take a step back and watch them mingle. We didn't talk too much but it was good. The bar closed about an hour after I got there so we had to go. Funny thing though, there was a guy across the bar whose name is J- (I come to find out later.) He was staring and then would whisper something to the people he was with. I just shrugged it off but just found it a bit odd. We were waiting for C- friends outside the bar and I ended up running into J-. He kept going on how he's straight, etc etc and how I want to sleep with him but obviously we can't since he's not gay. And I stood there thinking What is he talking about!? I asked him where he's getting that from and he went on how he used to be gay but not anymore, etc . 'You're a beautiful man Topher but we're not sleeping together' Oh, bummer I told him and parted ways after a kiss on the lips. I caught up with C- and his folks and said our bye's. I had to walk down a different way to get to my car, and they were still talking about going over to a friend's house anyway.
It was a fun night, and I made my way back home, stopping at McDonald's to get a Big and Tasty meal. At least this time, I didn't have to stop a fight. When I went out two weeks ago and went to McDonald's, the two cars in front of me were having an argument. I don't know if it was the alcohol or wanting to get my food that made me step out of the car and got in between the two guys trying to separate them. They were mostly yelling, but still if one of them would have pulled out a weapon, my ass would have been in the hospital. It was something stupid, the guy in front wanted to back out of the drive-thru lane instead of just leaving the normal route. The guy behind him really can't do anything since he saw my car coming and obviously can't go anywhere. The second guy was a state trooper too, and eventually the first guy just left. The state trooper kept telling him to choose either jail, or home. Looks like the kid had a bit of a drink too and it didn't look like he's over 21. I spoke to the state trooper and pretty much what pissed him off was getting called a niggah. And he was white as can be! I chuckled when I heard that, and told him to relax, it's over now. Go get your food ordered so you can be on your way. I was getting hungrier too.
I finally got my big and tasty yay! but didn't get to savor it all since I got stuck trying to park my car. I was trying to roll the car, grabbing french fries while doing so, who can enjoy their food doing that!? I tried for about half an hour and finally gave up and said I'll just take care of the problem when I woke up. I slept around 6 and woke up around 9, I forgot by what. I ended up calling it in to USAA and got it taken care of, waiting for the towing service for a good five hours. I was by the apartment though so just did the laundry and little things I needed to do. Hey, can't really let it get to me. I had a great evening and won't let the car incident ice on my parade. If I wouldn't have gone out, this would not have happened but I don't think I would have changed any part of it.
The weekend's been good otherwise. I just stayed in Friday after getting home from work. Hang around doing nothing before finally forcing myself to go to the gym. My trial period's about done so would have to go more often now that I'm a paying member. I think I lost some weight already so that's a good thing. I'm around 157 and has hovered around 165-175 the past four years. I weighed 145 lbs before joining the military and didn't realize how skinny I looked until I saw some pictures from way back when. Don't forget to bring a towel! is Towlie's advice and yet, I forgot to bring one with me. And boy did I sweat while running! I really considered just going home right after but having skipped the gym for almost a week, I chose to stay instead and do the weights as well. And man, were there some hot bods walking around. I wanted to come up to one and just start touching him. He had a nice one, body that is and maybe I'll get to that one day. I want to build a bit of muscle eventually.
Before going to the gym, I made a quick stop at the library to return some books I borrowed. I'm trying to get back to reading again, which was all I did when I was in Florida. Can't really use the net, it's called unlimited! but they didn't let us stay on it for long lord. And to think before that, I chatted just about daily after school. You pay $1 per hour in the Philippines and I'd get on and just chat away. I did enjoy talking to people from all over, with some I even corresponded with snail mails. Getting back to the library, I returned the books Whatever Makes You Happy and Soul Kiss. Soul Kiss I enjoyed reading and would have to actually buy. I can relate more to the character how she had to stay with her mom's family and her dad who's she's never met lives in California. It was just good, one of those books you can reread over and over and not get tired of.
Saturday, I ended up going to a birthday party I wasn't sure I was gonna go to. It was the same folks who I met for the christmas gathering back in December. I really didn't know what to get for the birthday boy and considered just getting a cake. Jon saved me though, and made me a realize how that would have been a no-no to bring a cake when there's gonna be one already. I brought a bottle of wine, and a gift card since I'm not friends with the guy enough to know his likes or dislikes. It was fun, I got to see these two women that I adored from last time. There isn't any guys my age so made do what I had. Funny how I got a girl's number again, what's up with that!?
I left around 11:30 pm to make my way out to DC and meet up with C-. We're kinda dating I guess. We've hang out like two or three times, few weeks in between. I met him early last month and I've seen him what, four times? It was a pain trying to find a parking spot in DC but I did eventually, after driving around for half an hour. He and his friends were at a bar and grilled called Front Page in the Dupont Circle. It was nice, I got to meet more of his friends and coworkers. I just mostly hang around the bar, dancing here and there when I knew what song was playing. C-'s a social butterfly, going out to bars or parties when he can. It looks like his friends really adore him, it seems like when I kinda take a step back and watch them mingle. We didn't talk too much but it was good. The bar closed about an hour after I got there so we had to go. Funny thing though, there was a guy across the bar whose name is J- (I come to find out later.) He was staring and then would whisper something to the people he was with. I just shrugged it off but just found it a bit odd. We were waiting for C- friends outside the bar and I ended up running into J-. He kept going on how he's straight, etc etc and how I want to sleep with him but obviously we can't since he's not gay. And I stood there thinking What is he talking about!? I asked him where he's getting that from and he went on how he used to be gay but not anymore, etc . 'You're a beautiful man Topher but we're not sleeping together' Oh, bummer I told him and parted ways after a kiss on the lips. I caught up with C- and his folks and said our bye's. I had to walk down a different way to get to my car, and they were still talking about going over to a friend's house anyway.
It was a fun night, and I made my way back home, stopping at McDonald's to get a Big and Tasty meal. At least this time, I didn't have to stop a fight. When I went out two weeks ago and went to McDonald's, the two cars in front of me were having an argument. I don't know if it was the alcohol or wanting to get my food that made me step out of the car and got in between the two guys trying to separate them. They were mostly yelling, but still if one of them would have pulled out a weapon, my ass would have been in the hospital. It was something stupid, the guy in front wanted to back out of the drive-thru lane instead of just leaving the normal route. The guy behind him really can't do anything since he saw my car coming and obviously can't go anywhere. The second guy was a state trooper too, and eventually the first guy just left. The state trooper kept telling him to choose either jail, or home. Looks like the kid had a bit of a drink too and it didn't look like he's over 21. I spoke to the state trooper and pretty much what pissed him off was getting called a niggah. And he was white as can be! I chuckled when I heard that, and told him to relax, it's over now. Go get your food ordered so you can be on your way. I was getting hungrier too.
I finally got my big and tasty yay! but didn't get to savor it all since I got stuck trying to park my car. I was trying to roll the car, grabbing french fries while doing so, who can enjoy their food doing that!? I tried for about half an hour and finally gave up and said I'll just take care of the problem when I woke up. I slept around 6 and woke up around 9, I forgot by what. I ended up calling it in to USAA and got it taken care of, waiting for the towing service for a good five hours. I was by the apartment though so just did the laundry and little things I needed to do. Hey, can't really let it get to me. I had a great evening and won't let the car incident ice on my parade. If I wouldn't have gone out, this would not have happened but I don't think I would have changed any part of it.
16 February 2007
Get your game on
I was off from work yesterday to attend my friend's brother's funeral. It was nice getting to see -M again since it's been a little bit over two years now since we last saw each other. It was good, it didn't seem like there was that huge gap where we really didn't hang out. It felt like we just saw each other the day before and picked up where we left off. It's funny how I didn't even like him at the beginning when we were in tech school (where we learn our jobs) but became good friends with him at our duty station (the base we are sent to usually 1-2 years if you're single).
They flew in Saturday afternoon and we were supposed to hang out that evening. He called me after they had dinner though to say that he wasn't feeling too good so he just got some rest. I, on the other hand, was all excited about going out. I was actually gonna hang out with my friend -K but cancelled on him after finding out -M was flying in to Arlington. So after talking to -M, I went ahead and called -K to see if he'll still be up to go out drinking. He was, though as we got closer to meeting up, he called me from his hotel saying he couldn't find his debit card. He looked all over, and even went back to the restaurant he was in earlier, to see if he might have left it there, but nope they didn't have it either.
He really didn't feel like going out anymore but I still made my way out to DC and sorta surprise him. Tell him that it'll be my treat for tonight. I brought Strangers with Candy just in case we ended up just staying in. I called when I was driving into the DC and come to find out, he got in bed already since losing his card put him in a bad mood. He didn't bring any extra card sooo yea, I'd be a bit pissed too if I was in his shoes. I'm surprised I didn't get lost considering I didn't have the city map with me but found my way to Dupont Circle. I waited at the lobby for -K and I guess I did blend it to the chair I was sitting in. There he was, coming up to the counter telling the woman that he was just waiting for his friend to arrive. I sat maybe 15 ft away and was just giggling about it, when the other attendant pointed at my direction and told him I'm already there. -K didn't have his glasses on so he blamed it at that, but it made him laugh which he kinda needed.
We talked for a bit and I was going through the Washington Blade and then, there he was snoring away. And we spoke just a minute ago! It wasn't even a minute actually, I looked down at the newspaper and looked up and there he was passed out.
I figured I'd let him sleep so I snuck out of the room. Well after pouring some vodka in my coke bottle. I drank all my soda when I just got to his room, so didn't have anything to mix it with. And the room I can get a coke from was locked anyways. Figured the drink would keep me a bit warm while I'm making my way to the bar. Either that, or get me a bit drunk already before I got there. My Aunt A- (dad's sister) actually called while I was walking, at 11:30 pm on a weekend, just to say hi. She's sweet, she calls and tells me she's been thinking of me and stuff. I have yet to meet her, since she didn't show up at the reunion.
She's made me cry once the first time we spoke on the phone. It was around this time last year that she got my phone number from my cousin. I was on my way to the mall to meet my friend, and I was about five minutes away when my phone rang from a number that I didn't recognized. I picked up since it's not like it'll kill me answering a call from an unknown number. It was her. I had to pull over since my contacts fell off from crying too hard. Just the things that she said, how eventhough we've never met, she loves me and wants to meet me one day, etc. I get emotional when I hear things like that though I kinda was thinking how she could have tried harder, etc. Oh oh, that's how I get sometimes. I tend to place conditions on how I'm supposed to be loved. If you love me, you'd to this or that but love just doesn't work that way. I have yet to meet her but I'm thinking of visiting her eventually. She lives in upstate New York I think, wherever Rochester is, so will make my way up there when it gets warmer.
So made it to the bar/club, and ended up being there for 3 hours surprisingly. Just had some drinks and danced along to the songs, just watching the actions going on. People dancing, making out in one corner. I spoke maybe to two people, though with the first he came up asking why I'm giving him the evil eye. I guess his two other friends told him I was looking but I can't help not to. He was vogueing for like a good half hour. At least, he took it lightly. I just laughed when he spoke to me and told him that I didn't mean anything bad when I was staring. I forget that sometimes, I tend to stare at people when they do something I find interesting.. or if they're cute..giving them the second look, the third look.
The second one he came up to me rubbing my stomach and asked how I was doing. I answered but didn't say anything after that. As much as I wanted to make out with somebody hahaha. I guess I wasn't in a talking mood. The music was okay at the club, but I still enjoyed it. Just looking at the interactions going on, and learning from it. That way I can go back and get my game on. Doubt it though.
13 February 2007
I love you no shit..
Those were the exact closing words of my mom when she wrote me back just now. It made me laugh and thought it'll be a good title for my entry since I suck at coming up with them.
As some of you are aware, I'm trying to petition her to come to the U.S. After two years since we submitted the papers, it's in its final stages and she got an interview set up with the embassy. After that, she'll be issued her visa and she'll be all set to come here. I don't think we'll run into a problem so she should be stateside very, very soon. She'll be staying with my aunt in Florida though, since I don't think I'm ready to live with her again, or will be ever. We get along great and everything, but things have changed.
I'm happy that she'll finally get to come here, but I think it'll be more of a relief more than anything. It's like it was just expected of me to petition her after having moved to the US. I get angry about over it sometimes since it seemed like she just waited for that day to come. I wonder what if my dad had not petitioned me, what then? What would have become of us? There's a lot of things that came into play and maybe I can put it down into words one day. I've spoken to some of you about it and thank you so much for lending an ear, just sitting at the park and talking. That meant a lot.
That it's okay to feel what I feel, that there was nothing wrong feeling burdened by it all sometimes, like I am carrying the earth on my shoulders. I made the decision to join the military so I'd be able to help my mom out. Back then, it seemed like it was the 'right' thing to do. Ya know, helping them out as a way of saying thanks for all she's done. That changed the past four...almost five years now. I was in turmoil about trying to make sense of the past, trying to shed light over how things happened the way they did. Most of it happened during my stay in Japan and sometimes I feel like I missed out on not being there completely.
I wish it would have been different but I can't go back to the past, I can only look back and learn from it. It's all part of the process I suppose, I can say that I'm a better person because of it. I've learned a lot and am glad about that though the most important one was finally learning to love myself. Not that I'm a horrible person, I mean I did okay growing up and didn't really fuss much, did what I was told, did well in school, and didn't make enemies or anything. I think I was liked though inside I know that I didn't like me. So eventhough I wish I could have loved more when I was living in Japan, how could I possibly love everybody else but not love myself. Maybe it is for some, but not for me. I didn't want anybody to get sucked in my inner struggle so kept everyone, even my friends at bay.
That's all over now and I can say that I'm in a better place now that I was before. Getting out of the military, it feels like I'm living my life on my terms now. It feels good to put myself into consideration this time, instead of putting others before me. Now, I've kept a bit of a distance between me and the family. They can give me advice but that doesn't mean I have to do what they think is best. Even with my mom, the gaps between our talks have been longer. I used to call once a week, sometimes even a few days even, but we end up just talking about the same things which gets me angry. She usually ends up crying, which I hate, but I say things to make her realize that she can't keep blaming everybody for all the things that happened. You can pinpoint finger but what good is that gonna do? I just don't need to feel her pain any more, I have enough of my own.
I have tomorrow to think about so guess that means I should go to bed soon. What Toni Morrison said comes to mind when I think about my military experience "I wish I woulda knowed more people. I would have loved 'em all. If I woulda knowed more, I woulda loved more." And with some, I think I did eventhough I didn't realize it at that time. With the ones I've kept in contact, I do hope they know how much they mean to me. They were my family, though back then, we didn't think much of it. I know I didn't. Everybody I've ever crossed paths with also comes into play, with some it just fell on the wayside, with some I chose to end for reasons I have. There's nothing wrong with it, it's been done to me as well. People have cut ties with me as well for reasons that I will never ever know, but it doesn't mean that it's because of something I did or didn't do. They made that a choice, and I can only respect that and move on as much as it boggles me as to why it might have happened.
And to you whos' reading this, you probably come across this accidentally or might have found me after I left a comment on your post. But I hope you wouldn't just disappear without a note or a trace. It can be a one-liner even, something short saying you just don't want to go on blogging any longer. Regardless, you probably wouldn't hear me say this in person. However, to ones I've met and welcoming me to your homes, to ones who I might never get to meet yet check up on daily...
I love you no shit!
As some of you are aware, I'm trying to petition her to come to the U.S. After two years since we submitted the papers, it's in its final stages and she got an interview set up with the embassy. After that, she'll be issued her visa and she'll be all set to come here. I don't think we'll run into a problem so she should be stateside very, very soon. She'll be staying with my aunt in Florida though, since I don't think I'm ready to live with her again, or will be ever. We get along great and everything, but things have changed.
I'm happy that she'll finally get to come here, but I think it'll be more of a relief more than anything. It's like it was just expected of me to petition her after having moved to the US. I get angry about over it sometimes since it seemed like she just waited for that day to come. I wonder what if my dad had not petitioned me, what then? What would have become of us? There's a lot of things that came into play and maybe I can put it down into words one day. I've spoken to some of you about it and thank you so much for lending an ear, just sitting at the park and talking. That meant a lot.
That it's okay to feel what I feel, that there was nothing wrong feeling burdened by it all sometimes, like I am carrying the earth on my shoulders. I made the decision to join the military so I'd be able to help my mom out. Back then, it seemed like it was the 'right' thing to do. Ya know, helping them out as a way of saying thanks for all she's done. That changed the past four...almost five years now. I was in turmoil about trying to make sense of the past, trying to shed light over how things happened the way they did. Most of it happened during my stay in Japan and sometimes I feel like I missed out on not being there completely.
I wish it would have been different but I can't go back to the past, I can only look back and learn from it. It's all part of the process I suppose, I can say that I'm a better person because of it. I've learned a lot and am glad about that though the most important one was finally learning to love myself. Not that I'm a horrible person, I mean I did okay growing up and didn't really fuss much, did what I was told, did well in school, and didn't make enemies or anything. I think I was liked though inside I know that I didn't like me. So eventhough I wish I could have loved more when I was living in Japan, how could I possibly love everybody else but not love myself. Maybe it is for some, but not for me. I didn't want anybody to get sucked in my inner struggle so kept everyone, even my friends at bay.
That's all over now and I can say that I'm in a better place now that I was before. Getting out of the military, it feels like I'm living my life on my terms now. It feels good to put myself into consideration this time, instead of putting others before me. Now, I've kept a bit of a distance between me and the family. They can give me advice but that doesn't mean I have to do what they think is best. Even with my mom, the gaps between our talks have been longer. I used to call once a week, sometimes even a few days even, but we end up just talking about the same things which gets me angry. She usually ends up crying, which I hate, but I say things to make her realize that she can't keep blaming everybody for all the things that happened. You can pinpoint finger but what good is that gonna do? I just don't need to feel her pain any more, I have enough of my own.
I have tomorrow to think about so guess that means I should go to bed soon. What Toni Morrison said comes to mind when I think about my military experience "I wish I woulda knowed more people. I would have loved 'em all. If I woulda knowed more, I woulda loved more." And with some, I think I did eventhough I didn't realize it at that time. With the ones I've kept in contact, I do hope they know how much they mean to me. They were my family, though back then, we didn't think much of it. I know I didn't. Everybody I've ever crossed paths with also comes into play, with some it just fell on the wayside, with some I chose to end for reasons I have. There's nothing wrong with it, it's been done to me as well. People have cut ties with me as well for reasons that I will never ever know, but it doesn't mean that it's because of something I did or didn't do. They made that a choice, and I can only respect that and move on as much as it boggles me as to why it might have happened.
And to you whos' reading this, you probably come across this accidentally or might have found me after I left a comment on your post. But I hope you wouldn't just disappear without a note or a trace. It can be a one-liner even, something short saying you just don't want to go on blogging any longer. Regardless, you probably wouldn't hear me say this in person. However, to ones I've met and welcoming me to your homes, to ones who I might never get to meet yet check up on daily...
I love you no shit!
09 February 2007
Is everything really gonna be alright?
Ok, despite of having served in the military these past four years. The war in Iraq didn't really hit close to home until this past week when my friend -C told me that our friend -M's brother got killed in Iraq this past weekend. It made me sad that something like this had to happen. I spoke to -M a day or two after -C mentioned what happened. -M and his family are flying down here this weekend (I think) to attend the burial this upcoming Monday. I'm still waiting for a call from -M but I've cancelled all my plans for the weekend and will take the Monday off as well to attend the funeral. It was really hard not to tell -M I'm so sorry about what happened, but -C said that -M got tired of hearing everyone telling him that. I'm saddened that this had to affect someone dear to me, but it's part of life. I really can't tell him that everything's going to be alright, coz as much as you want it to be, it wouldn't be after that. True you can move on, you can say you'll always have the memories but it'll be a loss that can never be filled.
It'll be nice to see -M again after two years now though I wish it wasn't because of this...
02 February 2007
Be happy
Ok, I had to look the word chipper up since I got called one just few minutes ago. I doubt that my coworker meant I was a narc user so scrolled down and saw that it meant a cheerful person. I guess I can be on some days where it feels like I have all these energy and have to let it out somehow. I guess it's better that way though but sometimes when I feel down, I barely utter a word to anybody. I'd answer the phones, since that's what I do, but you won't hear a peep aside from that. I think it worries people but it's hard for me to change it sometimes. Even my mom knows it though, and when I get quiet she knows to just let me be and not try to pry me for anything that's going on. I'm not one who talks to others what I'm feeling, or thinking. It's not that too many things bothered me. I didn't have problems at school or anything, mainly it was the family stuff that made me question things. It didn't let it get to me, I just shrugged it off and held on to the hope that things would be different one day. And it did. Hope's one of the most important things in life, but of course, you gotta take action also. Not just sit around and hope that things will happen. That's like sitting by a well and not taking a drink eventhough your thirsty. You just sit there wishing someone will get you a drink but that is not how it works.
So yea, getting back to chip. It's funny how this one lady makes a comment about me whenever I pass her by. I guess I smile a little too much, but no matter where I see her, she'll tell the person she's with that boy sure has a smile on his face everytime. It makes me chuckle. Though of course since she said that, I've made it a point of not smiling once. I was stressed out that day and really can't manage to put a smile on my face, like everything's okay. Granted, whoever's reading this, try (I wouldn't say should) to smile more often, and see how it'll make you feel good. It probably won't happen overnight but give it some time but I think it'll help in the long run. You never know how it might make a difference in someone else's day. Though sometimes, you kinda sit and wonder if you do make a difference? You do! Though I know there isn't an evidence, I'm sure someone somewhere is thankful for that smile, or that act of kindness you did for somebody. It doesn't really require too much effort, but if more people are nicer and treat each other with kindness, can you imagine how the world will be?
This week's just been a mix. I just felt too tired on some days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. But then, it could just be lack of sleep doing that. I've been exercising more and eating healthier (and cheaper) and it looks like it's making a difference. There's some changes in my body, oh lord I'm like a13-yr old girl hitting puberty, but yea, I'm liking it so far. I'm doing this for, or at least I think so. My dad keeps making comments how I'm supposed to be all muscly since I'm in my prime and all. But yea, never really been active until now. How I got the skills to play sports but just don't etc etc. And also since I look bigger in pics than I do in person. I never really thought about it that much but a few people have said something to that nature.
Aside from that, still working on making new friends in the city. I think I've met more people here in my first two months than I did in my one-year stay in Hampton. It really wasn't dates, more of a meet and greet and see how I got along with them. A good time is always had, I'd have to say. I'm not really high maintenance so always up for whatever. I even met a Japanese guy who's lived here in the States for loong time, it brought me back to Japan when we were having dinner. We are so much alike we just had to laugh abotut it. Neat freak, sweaty hands (though he had the glands cut off so it'll stop), kind of a loner, those were the main ones I noticed. Though we have a running joke that he calls me Mistress now. Not his, but the very first 'date' I had few years back. Lord, I never really thought of it that way. Amazing how you meet someone and they make you see things in a different way. But then, that's what the others for.
Anyway, hope everyone a good week. And wishing you happiness however that might be.
Happiness is a camel coat you look good in on a windy day...sipping hot cocoa when it snows... singing and dancing along to Spice Girls (yea laugh but they still make me smile)...discovering Rilkean Heart and listening to it daily...having a place to go home to after a long day.. a soft comforter to keep you warm... reading up on your favorite bloggers' update... a friend getting back to blogging.... meeting them and them showing you around to their cities, welcoming you with open arms...three minutes before I go home for the day *grins
26 January 2007
Over my head
It finally snowed here in the DC area the first time on a Sunday. I need to watch the news more. I slept it once again, and watched a movie, Lovely and Amazing if I remember correctly. It was an okay movie, I was watching it and thinking why am I still watching this, but still finished the whole movie. It was made by the same director that made Friends With Money which I liked. The movie was about a mother and her two daughters just going through stuff. I'd say they're in the valleys of their life, working through their insecurities, and trying to find ways to feel better about themselves, even with the help of others at some point. Of course, I didn't think of that the night I watched it. What it made me think of....is McDonald's. There's this adopted black girl that had weight issues, and she got hungry one evening so she left the house without telling her sister and walked the streets to get to McDonald's. It made me crave for a Big Mac but really can't do anything since it was like 1230 am when this happened. There won't be any open I know. This happened too when I was in Japan. I'd get the munchies for a Big Mac like really late and one time, I actually drove around to find one open and I got lucky, I got there
Of course, when I woke up, I had to satisfy my craving and off to McDo I go. Sunday became my eat anything I want day. With going to the gym, I shouldn't be really going to fast foods and such, but I had a craving, and sometimes you just have to give in to it, whatever the craving's for. This was also the time I found it it was snowing, as I was leaving. And with nothing planned really, I figured I'll head out to Ikea and pick up a shelf. Well, I was debating between two shelves, but ended up going with an actual bookshelf rather than a bookcase. I'm trying to use up whatever space I have in my room so went with a Billy bookshelf. I can't ge the picture, but it stands about 80 inches in black brown color. I'm getting close to getting my room set up, just need to get somethign to put up on the wall to give it a homelier feel. It is my crib, and probably will be for the rest of the year. I kinda enjoy living with roommates right now, though I'd need to speak with one about his cleaning habits. Ok, it amazes me that I put a paper towel in the microwave, and when the roomy heats his food up, not use the paper towel to cover it up. Guess one of those things where I'll have to tell them. I just find it odd how I'll have to tell someone something obvious already. Guess I forget we all don't think alike. I ended up spending a few hours during which it snowed way more, and on the way back, I skidded in the interstate. Good thing I didn't hit anybody though I messed up my bumper a bit.
At the beginning of the week, one of the coworkers was sick so I was manning the phones by myself for like three hours at the beginning of the shift. Ugh, all these calls coming in. It was stressing me out.Lord, make it stop! I like the schedule though, but I think eventually I'll find one where I do more behind the scenes work rather than dealing with all the calls.
Hitting the gym's actually been making me sleepy earlier than usual. I feel sleepy around 9, but do I go to bed? Of course not. I still stay up 'til 11 or 12, then get up around 5 to get ready for work. I might need to change that soon though since this week, I'd hit the snooze and wake up at 6 am, 6 minutes before I was supposed to catch the bus. I usually catch the 6:06 bus, and get to work around 6:45 am. There's a metro stop two miles away, and I've been driving to it this week, then catch the metro from there. I could leave the house around 6:25 and catch the 6:30-something train so hmm, will give that some thought over the weekend. Maybe I just need to sleep earlier, or take some vitamins.
It's two days since I last spoke to my cousin. This is the longest we haven't talked on the phone I think. Just annoyed a little with her with some stuff between her and her gf. Really won't tell her what to do since she's a grown woman, so will just keep my mouth shut and stand from a distance.
Last night, I invited my friend J- to have dinner. This is just the second time we've hang out, pretty much a month after we first met. He lives like three miles but yea, need to work on that. Hopefully we'll become friends. It felt weird though, it felt like a date when it really isn't. He was dressed up in slacks and everything, and I showed up wearing jeans and sneakers. He's a nice guy, considering we were driving around for half an hour trying to find the restaurant. It was pretty new, it won't even show up on mapquest yet. It was Pei Wei that we went to, and I think they have those chains in other states as well. Sister company of PF Chang's which I've never gone to before either. It was nice, just sitting there talking. We laugh most of the time so that's a good thing. He's never seen Strangers with Candy so I had him watch it on the way back. We probably could have talked more but silly me had him watch Jerri. Looks like he liked it so that's a good thing. He told me he wanted to go see a movie, but I forgot what it was. I was gonna offer to come along but held back since it felt like I was asking him out. What to do what to do.
With C- though, it's been almost a week and really haven't talked to him. Will just see I guess. Headin to lunch now, but maybe I'll write more later, just clearing my head.
Of course, when I woke up, I had to satisfy my craving and off to McDo I go. Sunday became my eat anything I want day. With going to the gym, I shouldn't be really going to fast foods and such, but I had a craving, and sometimes you just have to give in to it, whatever the craving's for. This was also the time I found it it was snowing, as I was leaving. And with nothing planned really, I figured I'll head out to Ikea and pick up a shelf. Well, I was debating between two shelves, but ended up going with an actual bookshelf rather than a bookcase. I'm trying to use up whatever space I have in my room so went with a Billy bookshelf. I can't ge the picture, but it stands about 80 inches in black brown color. I'm getting close to getting my room set up, just need to get somethign to put up on the wall to give it a homelier feel. It is my crib, and probably will be for the rest of the year. I kinda enjoy living with roommates right now, though I'd need to speak with one about his cleaning habits. Ok, it amazes me that I put a paper towel in the microwave, and when the roomy heats his food up, not use the paper towel to cover it up. Guess one of those things where I'll have to tell them. I just find it odd how I'll have to tell someone something obvious already. Guess I forget we all don't think alike. I ended up spending a few hours during which it snowed way more, and on the way back, I skidded in the interstate. Good thing I didn't hit anybody though I messed up my bumper a bit.
At the beginning of the week, one of the coworkers was sick so I was manning the phones by myself for like three hours at the beginning of the shift. Ugh, all these calls coming in. It was stressing me out.Lord, make it stop! I like the schedule though, but I think eventually I'll find one where I do more behind the scenes work rather than dealing with all the calls.
Hitting the gym's actually been making me sleepy earlier than usual. I feel sleepy around 9, but do I go to bed? Of course not. I still stay up 'til 11 or 12, then get up around 5 to get ready for work. I might need to change that soon though since this week, I'd hit the snooze and wake up at 6 am, 6 minutes before I was supposed to catch the bus. I usually catch the 6:06 bus, and get to work around 6:45 am. There's a metro stop two miles away, and I've been driving to it this week, then catch the metro from there. I could leave the house around 6:25 and catch the 6:30-something train so hmm, will give that some thought over the weekend. Maybe I just need to sleep earlier, or take some vitamins.
It's two days since I last spoke to my cousin. This is the longest we haven't talked on the phone I think. Just annoyed a little with her with some stuff between her and her gf. Really won't tell her what to do since she's a grown woman, so will just keep my mouth shut and stand from a distance.
Last night, I invited my friend J- to have dinner. This is just the second time we've hang out, pretty much a month after we first met. He lives like three miles but yea, need to work on that. Hopefully we'll become friends. It felt weird though, it felt like a date when it really isn't. He was dressed up in slacks and everything, and I showed up wearing jeans and sneakers. He's a nice guy, considering we were driving around for half an hour trying to find the restaurant. It was pretty new, it won't even show up on mapquest yet. It was Pei Wei that we went to, and I think they have those chains in other states as well. Sister company of PF Chang's which I've never gone to before either. It was nice, just sitting there talking. We laugh most of the time so that's a good thing. He's never seen Strangers with Candy so I had him watch it on the way back. We probably could have talked more but silly me had him watch Jerri. Looks like he liked it so that's a good thing. He told me he wanted to go see a movie, but I forgot what it was. I was gonna offer to come along but held back since it felt like I was asking him out. What to do what to do.
With C- though, it's been almost a week and really haven't talked to him. Will just see I guess. Headin to lunch now, but maybe I'll write more later, just clearing my head.
I can stand me
Halfway through the week already, yay! The week sure just flew by. Pretty much stayed in all weekend which is a first since I've moved here. The past few weeks, I managed to find things to do, catch a movie with someone, go out to the clubs, and that's about it. I really haven't seen the touristy parts of DC since I don't like walking in the cold, I avoid it at all cost.
Friday, C- did come over as we planned though he ended up having to go home for the night. I had him over and all I made was spaghetti. I really didn't know where to go for dinner, and he wasn't gonna come by 'til like 10 pm so pretty much all the restaurants are close. And with me trying to save, figured I'll just make dinner instead of buying. As I was finishing up, I just thought Why am I making spaghetti out of all the food in the world. And remembered, I can barely cook. He arrived around 10 as agreed, and I got his plate set up and a drink. We just went back to my room and ate since me and the roommates really don't use our dining area yet. Just sat in the futon and pretty much just talked while eating, asking questions, getting to know each other more. It felt a bit weird since I usually don't have guys come over, I dunno since I was in Japan, I never had one come by, not even once. After a while, I eased up and stopped worrying about it. He liked the way I had my room set up, so that was goood. He looked through my closet a little (since I keep it open) and mentioned how he'd wear the ties that I have. He was saying how his roommate buys ties, and doesn't really go together with anything he wears. That was nice, so guess that means I have a good taste in clothing. I pretty much worked on it after the first guy I dated ditched me (well we just went out once but with that being my first time ever, it was a big deal). I was 20 at that time. But yea, all I said was thanks or probably just smiled at him, taking the compliment for what it's worth. I still have some issues when I get compliments. As much as it's nice to hear, I get all weird in the inside when I hear them. It's a boost to one's esteem, but still *smiles
Pretty much, we were just talking throughout our meal. We were gonna put on Little Miss Sunshine, but he was probably too hungry to care about it at first. He came back for seconds so the spaghetti can't be bad then, ok it was good. A bit better than good, gooder since I put some Ikea meatballs on it as well. After eating, I put on Strangers with Candy but he really wasn't watching it hehe I'm thinking pay attention to Jerri dude! How could you not watch this!? Oh well, can't make everyone like her I guess. He left around 12:30 since he had to work that Saturday morning. He called me at 5 pm to tell me about it, and at first it bothered me a little. But that all went away when he left for the night, at least I got to see him even for a bit.
I didn't go to bed 'til probably 3 am and slept in 'til about 11 am. That was nice, and got dressed to go to the gym. I started going just this past week. I was dressed and maybe waited 2-3 hours before I left haha. I was sitting there debating whether to go or not. Chatted with the roommate, surfed the net, listened to music before finally telling myself You have to go, it's all about discipline. It felt good once I was done though, and was proud of myself *pat in the back. I left maybe an hour after, and stopped by Marshall's and looked around. I saw some stuff I liked, though didn't buy anything until last night where I got everything I wanted but the knit cap with the ear covers. Booo! And that's what I wanted, well needed since it's cold here *hummm Maybe I'll just buy the ear muffs since the skull caps just flatten my hair completely. I used one few days ago, and I ended up having to wet my hair to get my curls back. Or maybe I should just shave my head again, but then I'll miss my hair right after I do.
After the gym, I stepped out and just felt light. I was just happy of being, didn't make plans with anybody, or considering going out just because. Ah, this isn't so bad after all. It was bothering me before not having anybody to hang out with on weekends, but it was different not having that wanting, ya know. I can stand me.
*Started this post Wednesday at work but got sidetracked working hahaha
19 January 2007
Retro night
Am sure glad it's Friday.. Six more hours to go and I'll call it a day :D It's actually been quiet here at work this morning which is quite surprising. Considering my coworker called in sick so I'm running the ship here. Most of the calls I've gotten, I actually know what the user needed or wanted. Yesterday was another story. They sent out a company-wide training and didn't tell us in advance what problems the users would run into. I had NO idea what they were calling about at first, and wasn't even sure how to troubleshoot. It's a bit frustrating when they do that. They would push out new softwares, some computer courses, etc etc and not let us know what it's all about, yet put the Helpdesk down as the main POC for any problem people run into. I was a bit pissed but oh well, just had to take it in stride and not let it get to me which I succeeded in doing later on the day. Am not too sure where it came from but I was happier towards the end of the day.
Around 10 or so, I stepped out of the office and went over to different offices and fixed whatever problem they were having. It actually is nice, getting to talk to all sorts of people. Ones who think they're so important the world will stop without them, and the really down to earth ones that just laughs at the situation since they're aware that things do just happen sometimes. Some lady actually gave me a Snickers bar when she saw me on her floor. I helped her out two weeks ago maybe and she said that she meant to ask me what candy bar I liked. I had to go to another woman's office though to fix something, but when i came by the reception desk, a Snickers bar was waiting for me. That was sweet.. Well the lady too.
We actually cover the whole US so we get lots of calls throughout the day. It's mostly account lock outs, and you start to recognize a pattern when the same people call about getting them unlocked. Heehee, some callers are a darling. Mostly from the South, and the Midwest. Though I fall in love whenever someone from Puerto Rico calls. I'm a sucker for accents from time to time. I think that's why I can have D- talk to me all day, and me not say a word.
I had about two hours of sleep again yesterday and I'm not really sure why that happens. I was tired but just can't fall asleep.I think I have shorter patience when that happens, since callers get on my nerves pretty quickly. I got to google talk with C- yesterday and we're set for today. We're just gonna hang out at my crib, and that's probably gonna give away to my roommates that I'm gay with him spending the night at my place. It's never really come up and I didn't want to just bring it up out of the blue. So yea, C- has some volunteering to do and won't get out 'til 9:30 pm. I'm not sure whether to just make some spaghetti (with the ikea meatballs which are a killer!) or just pick up a dinner, as to where I do not know.
I forced myself to run eventhough I was sore from going to the gym. It's even worse today, so not sure yet if I'm going today either. I hang out with a new friend yesterday, though we just met up in Adams Morgan which is an eclectic part of DC. It was nice, though I didn't get to walk outside much since it was freezing. We went to this one bar, Heaven and Hell, and they had the 80's theme on Thursdays. It was nice, though we left by 11 since I had to catch the metro back, since I work today. Him and I got along well, Strangers with Candy fan, listen to the same music, laughs at the same things so there's common thread. He's straight, but I told him upfront I'm gay but he said he could care less. I wanted him to know upfront before we became friends.
It was a good night, I got home, took off my clothes and was out for the night. And I told C- I was gonna call him too. Oh well, I'll see him today. I'm soo looking forward to it, talking to him and just getting to know him more. It's been two weeks since I've seen him. Looks like he's a good guy, he's even lived in China for a few months when he was in school.
Well, lunch is almost over and I think I've written down what's in my head. Nothing mindblowing though it's still longer than I intended it to be. Eh, I think I drag sometimes but oh well, I forget I'm doing this for me. Two more hours to go baby.....
17 January 2007
Making it happen
Ok, it's been a week now and I haven't posted. I'm trying to post more often with the new year and everything, and working on it but I'm getting there.
It's good overall, just trying to be thankful for everything that's come my way. With the job, I'm liking the schedule which is 7:00 am to 3:30 pm (there ya go Matt :) Last week was the introductory stage so was kinda getting a feel of what it's like. It is good seeing the sun again when I leave for the day, though I'd end up doing overtime, well just about 5-10 minutes extra at times. I'd pick up the phone few minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and it always isn't the fix and hang up type of problems. Anyway, with any other job, there are both sides and the bad stuff got a little to me last week. Some guy kinda got me in trouble by telling the IT chief that he's problem hasn't been taken care of and it's been close to a month. Thing is I've called him a few times trying to find a good time I can come by to take a look at the printer, and he never even called me back so I ended up closing the ticket. It was just a paper jam, but it would have been fixed if he had called me at least. Just a courteous thing, ya know but I guess some people think they're above all that. The guy was a Chief in the other division, and is considered a "VIP." VIP my butt. Ugh, anyways, it upset me a little I started looking at other companies already haha. Well that, and I was thinking how it's time for the nice guys to be in charge. Someone like me *grins But yea, with this happening, it made me want to go back to school to better myself. I know it'll sound an excuse but I'm still waiting for a document before I can start applying for benefits, G.I. Bill for school mostly, but without that paper, I really can't prove that I'm a veteran. I was supposed to get it a month ago after the day I separated but the Separations neglected to do so. Going back to school will have to wait a bit. Perhaps summer or the fall. That should be enough time to completely get situated here, acclimated where everything is, and getting used to this new way of life. I think I might give up my Florida residency soon. I'm keeping it for scholarship purposes, but I'm not really sure if I'd want to live there again. Moving's a pain.
Weekend was good. I met up with Kr- last Saturday. He's someone I've kinda known, spoken to him for a few months, but never actually met him when I lived in Hampton, and he in Williamsburg. It's only 30 mins away but our schedules never coincided. It was good, we were gonna go see Dreamgirls but ended up not going since it was a longer walk from where we were than HE thought. We just walked back to Dupont Circle and went to a pub, Biddy Milligans I believe. We hang around there for a bit, and there I was smiling at a girl again lol. Had some shots of Yager and I was a bit tipsy after just one shot, the buzz felt good though so me like it. Ended up just getting a burger since we didn't know where else to go, and the food wasn't pricey so that was nice. We sat at the bar, and sometime during the evening, I was looking at a guy all the way across the other end of the bar. I thought he looked familiar, but I can't think of where I knew him at first. I was staring at him here and there, and thought that he might have been someone I knew in my military days, but that can't be, not here in all places. On our way out, the guy I was looking at was there smoking and I asked him, Didn't I know you somewhere? Yea, that's something I should really be asking strangers. But sure enough, it was him. I actually had a crush on him once upon a time, but that was cause he used to hug me all the time, and say how they had the cutest bay chief, not sure what the term is in the dormitories but it's the person in charge of the hall. I did roll calls and such, making sure all the people in my bay are accounted for, and that I know where they are if they're not there. But yea, he had a girlfriend and everything so he can't be gay, or so I thought. Not that I'm wishing now that he is. Anyway, we just spoke for a little while but told each other that we'd keep in contact. Kinda sucks how he was homeless, after getting out of the Air Force. I could have offered but it's one of those things. I really didn't know him that well, and with me just being new here in the apartment, it might not bode well with the roommates. Will call DW- though, and see how he's doing at least. He was smoking with this one woman, and I ended up getting her number too. She said she goes to that pub usually on Saturdays, and I should give her a ring if I'm around.
After the pub, we went out to this bar JR's, then to Chaos where they had drag queens performing. It was fun, I also saw someone that I met the week prior but didn't come up to him and say hi. We had a meet and greet a few days ago, since I've talked to him since March 06 but never got a chance to meet him. There were talks of hanging out more, now that I actually live here but we'll have to wait and see. I guess dating can't really be avoided, but oh well, along with it comes games and stuff. I like you, but I'll play it off like I don't. Yea, say let's hang out but never call back. I'm guilty of it myself. I now know how it feels when guys I met wanted to see me again, but I never did. I didn't realize how sucky that must have felt. All I thought was meh, they'll get over it. They'll meet someone better than me. Either that, or I used to think why would they wanna see me again? I'm sure I bored them to death already, and they want more? Oh well, this all got me thinking after meeting Ch-. I've wanted to hang out again but he seemed "busy" so I just let it be. It's been two weeks already! Ah well, he texted earlier this evening if I wanted to hang out Friday. I said yes, though might just speak with him about this tomorrow.
I went to the gym the first time today, after years I think. I had an appointment with a trainer who showed me what machines to use and such. I got lightheaded since I didn't have anything to eat since noon, and I went to the gym at 5. I had to sit in the car for 10 mins before I went home since I can barely move after the session. I'm gonna have to give it some thought whether to get a trainer for a few months, then doing it on my own. Just to get me a headstart, and actually keep at it. Thoughts? My body's fine, but there's room for improvement. Oh, and so my dad will stop ribbing me about the flat stomach that I don't have. He told me to just get defined at least. I see where he's coming from though, he has a back injury and just wants me to take better care of myself. But yea, I saw his pic when he was my age, and I'd have to say, I wanna have that kind of definition. It'll take work, but gotta do it if I want that. I fell asleep right after getting home, I was too weak to even make a sandwich at least. Laid down, and was out before I know it. I slept for about 3 1/2 hours, then woke up and had some peanut butter sandwich, no jam, and dipped it in hot cocoa. Yea yea, my friends say it's gross doing that. It's a Filipino thing. There's a joke how we do that since we wanna make sure the bread is clean. Yea, really funny. I was really picky when I was younger, and people thought I was spoiled because of that. My mom usually prepares something different just for me. I just liked simple things. Ok, I'm letting it known that I used to eat fruits and rice together. Banana, or a ripe mango with rice. I doubt I could do that now but it tasted good. My mom would slice up the mango, then she makes this one pattern on one cheek of the mango (is that the word, cheek?) She'd cut it lengthwise and crosswise, then push it outwards to make it look like a flower. Ah, the good ole days. She's a good mom, though I think I forget that sometimes. She's my complete opposite. People would make comments as to how she managed to raise me. Even my uncle by marriage laughs when he asks her that. She raised a fine young man. Hahaha, I wanna smack people, even her, when she tells me I'm a good son yada yada. Is that an insecurity not wanting to hear about it?
Hope everyone's had a good week so far. I can't wait 'til the weekend though *grins I've become a TGIFer, and I'm liking it. I know my post is kinda all over, but I just let it flow when I sit and write. Isn't that how it should be? It's really hard to pick a topic and write about it. Maybe one day I'll give it a try, oh wait either I do or I don't huh, there is no try. So probably not.. If it ain't broke, why fix it eh?
It's good overall, just trying to be thankful for everything that's come my way. With the job, I'm liking the schedule which is 7:00 am to 3:30 pm (there ya go Matt :) Last week was the introductory stage so was kinda getting a feel of what it's like. It is good seeing the sun again when I leave for the day, though I'd end up doing overtime, well just about 5-10 minutes extra at times. I'd pick up the phone few minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and it always isn't the fix and hang up type of problems. Anyway, with any other job, there are both sides and the bad stuff got a little to me last week. Some guy kinda got me in trouble by telling the IT chief that he's problem hasn't been taken care of and it's been close to a month. Thing is I've called him a few times trying to find a good time I can come by to take a look at the printer, and he never even called me back so I ended up closing the ticket. It was just a paper jam, but it would have been fixed if he had called me at least. Just a courteous thing, ya know but I guess some people think they're above all that. The guy was a Chief in the other division, and is considered a "VIP." VIP my butt. Ugh, anyways, it upset me a little I started looking at other companies already haha. Well that, and I was thinking how it's time for the nice guys to be in charge. Someone like me *grins But yea, with this happening, it made me want to go back to school to better myself. I know it'll sound an excuse but I'm still waiting for a document before I can start applying for benefits, G.I. Bill for school mostly, but without that paper, I really can't prove that I'm a veteran. I was supposed to get it a month ago after the day I separated but the Separations neglected to do so. Going back to school will have to wait a bit. Perhaps summer or the fall. That should be enough time to completely get situated here, acclimated where everything is, and getting used to this new way of life. I think I might give up my Florida residency soon. I'm keeping it for scholarship purposes, but I'm not really sure if I'd want to live there again. Moving's a pain.
Weekend was good. I met up with Kr- last Saturday. He's someone I've kinda known, spoken to him for a few months, but never actually met him when I lived in Hampton, and he in Williamsburg. It's only 30 mins away but our schedules never coincided. It was good, we were gonna go see Dreamgirls but ended up not going since it was a longer walk from where we were than HE thought. We just walked back to Dupont Circle and went to a pub, Biddy Milligans I believe. We hang around there for a bit, and there I was smiling at a girl again lol. Had some shots of Yager and I was a bit tipsy after just one shot, the buzz felt good though so me like it. Ended up just getting a burger since we didn't know where else to go, and the food wasn't pricey so that was nice. We sat at the bar, and sometime during the evening, I was looking at a guy all the way across the other end of the bar. I thought he looked familiar, but I can't think of where I knew him at first. I was staring at him here and there, and thought that he might have been someone I knew in my military days, but that can't be, not here in all places. On our way out, the guy I was looking at was there smoking and I asked him, Didn't I know you somewhere? Yea, that's something I should really be asking strangers. But sure enough, it was him. I actually had a crush on him once upon a time, but that was cause he used to hug me all the time, and say how they had the cutest bay chief, not sure what the term is in the dormitories but it's the person in charge of the hall. I did roll calls and such, making sure all the people in my bay are accounted for, and that I know where they are if they're not there. But yea, he had a girlfriend and everything so he can't be gay, or so I thought. Not that I'm wishing now that he is. Anyway, we just spoke for a little while but told each other that we'd keep in contact. Kinda sucks how he was homeless, after getting out of the Air Force. I could have offered but it's one of those things. I really didn't know him that well, and with me just being new here in the apartment, it might not bode well with the roommates. Will call DW- though, and see how he's doing at least. He was smoking with this one woman, and I ended up getting her number too. She said she goes to that pub usually on Saturdays, and I should give her a ring if I'm around.
After the pub, we went out to this bar JR's, then to Chaos where they had drag queens performing. It was fun, I also saw someone that I met the week prior but didn't come up to him and say hi. We had a meet and greet a few days ago, since I've talked to him since March 06 but never got a chance to meet him. There were talks of hanging out more, now that I actually live here but we'll have to wait and see. I guess dating can't really be avoided, but oh well, along with it comes games and stuff. I like you, but I'll play it off like I don't. Yea, say let's hang out but never call back. I'm guilty of it myself. I now know how it feels when guys I met wanted to see me again, but I never did. I didn't realize how sucky that must have felt. All I thought was meh, they'll get over it. They'll meet someone better than me. Either that, or I used to think why would they wanna see me again? I'm sure I bored them to death already, and they want more? Oh well, this all got me thinking after meeting Ch-. I've wanted to hang out again but he seemed "busy" so I just let it be. It's been two weeks already! Ah well, he texted earlier this evening if I wanted to hang out Friday. I said yes, though might just speak with him about this tomorrow.
I went to the gym the first time today, after years I think. I had an appointment with a trainer who showed me what machines to use and such. I got lightheaded since I didn't have anything to eat since noon, and I went to the gym at 5. I had to sit in the car for 10 mins before I went home since I can barely move after the session. I'm gonna have to give it some thought whether to get a trainer for a few months, then doing it on my own. Just to get me a headstart, and actually keep at it. Thoughts? My body's fine, but there's room for improvement. Oh, and so my dad will stop ribbing me about the flat stomach that I don't have. He told me to just get defined at least. I see where he's coming from though, he has a back injury and just wants me to take better care of myself. But yea, I saw his pic when he was my age, and I'd have to say, I wanna have that kind of definition. It'll take work, but gotta do it if I want that. I fell asleep right after getting home, I was too weak to even make a sandwich at least. Laid down, and was out before I know it. I slept for about 3 1/2 hours, then woke up and had some peanut butter sandwich, no jam, and dipped it in hot cocoa. Yea yea, my friends say it's gross doing that. It's a Filipino thing. There's a joke how we do that since we wanna make sure the bread is clean. Yea, really funny. I was really picky when I was younger, and people thought I was spoiled because of that. My mom usually prepares something different just for me. I just liked simple things. Ok, I'm letting it known that I used to eat fruits and rice together. Banana, or a ripe mango with rice. I doubt I could do that now but it tasted good. My mom would slice up the mango, then she makes this one pattern on one cheek of the mango (is that the word, cheek?) She'd cut it lengthwise and crosswise, then push it outwards to make it look like a flower. Ah, the good ole days. She's a good mom, though I think I forget that sometimes. She's my complete opposite. People would make comments as to how she managed to raise me. Even my uncle by marriage laughs when he asks her that. She raised a fine young man. Hahaha, I wanna smack people, even her, when she tells me I'm a good son yada yada. Is that an insecurity not wanting to hear about it?
Hope everyone's had a good week so far. I can't wait 'til the weekend though *grins I've become a TGIFer, and I'm liking it. I know my post is kinda all over, but I just let it flow when I sit and write. Isn't that how it should be? It's really hard to pick a topic and write about it. Maybe one day I'll give it a try, oh wait either I do or I don't huh, there is no try. So probably not.. If it ain't broke, why fix it eh?
10 January 2007
It's a damn cold night...
The new work schedule's been okay so far though this week, I've been having a hard time getting to bed on time. And with that, I mean getting eight hours of sleep. I had maybe two the day before, yesterday about five, and tonight another two more than likely since I try to get up at 5 am with the new schedule. With the one I was working this past month, I come in at 0830 and leave at 1700, but now, I do 0600-1530. I certainly prefer the earlier one, getting to see the sun at least when I leave for the day. It made me smile the first time when I was walking to the bus stop that will take me home. Going up the escalators, and seeing the sun beaming made me glad.
Monday, I actually considered going down to DC after work, to walk around a bit, then go drinking. One guy e-mailed about getting together for drinks, but I didn't call him that day to say yay or nay. I wasn't feeling too well so just thought I'd go home first, then go from there if I feel a bit better. Made it close to home, though I got off a few blocks down to pick up some oatmeal and get a haircut as well. It looks like I'm gonna have to get one once a month, since around three weeks or so, the sides grow out and I would be sporting an afro if I let it be. I think I'm just going to grow the top out like I used to, and not shave my head again, which I seem to do whenever I see/visit my cousin Nani. I shaved it the first time when she visited me in Japan, then left it alone for about two and a half years, then having it cut off few weeks before I came back to the U.S. She thinks it's sexier, but oh well, it's my hair and I should do what I please. On the walk home, figured I'd call my friend CG a call and say hi. He called a couple of days ago but I let the voicemail pick up since I was already in bed....with ted (kidding). Well, not Ted but Ch-. Someone that I had dinner with Thursday. We didn't get to meet 'til around 9:30 pm, and he lived like 30 mins away and I was too tired to drive back around midnight. We just started e-mailing each other on the 2nd, and met up with on the 4th. I'd just say it's dinner since I don't like calling it a date somehow. Ever since I started meeting with guys, I just call it hanging out or having dinner, instead of saying I'm going on a date. This was last Thursday though, and I haven't seen him ever since. There's a talk of catching a movie sometime so will see how that'll go. As one blogger is aware, I have a habit of not seeing the same guy twice. But I'm trying to work on that, thanks K *winks
After I got home, got on yahoo and ended up chatting with D- again. I really haven't chatted with him after we met, we've spoken a few times on the phone but that was that. Just got caught up a little with what's been going on in our lives, and we talked about the stay again. Same stuff from Friday that I mentioned, and some extra things, that he hugged me from behind when I was sleeping which really got me. Ugh, I guess I did/do like him since I've written about him a few times now. We talked about meeting up again, but this time, it'll be his turn as we agreed upon when we just started talking.
I wasn't up for drinking Monday, so just did the laundry and got rid of more little things. I'm such a packrat and trying to break out of it. I don't have much space really, so the more space, the better. Just watched Strangers with Candy again, not that I haven't seen it before but Jerri never fails to make me laugh. With my failed attempt to sleep, I ended up watching Friends with Money as Matt mentioned in his blog. I did like the movie, and it certainly rings true with friends talking about each other about the one that's not there. I certainly am guilty :-) It's weird how one character has so much anger that she snaps just about with anything. It's insane if you ask me, but some people do just that. Walking around with all these anger. Of course, I feel bad for them but still, it's gotta be rough for some. Well with the character, it was due to hormones with her getting older and stuff. Now I could kinda see how my mom was the way she was. Ugh, you can spill water and instead of just letting me wipe it off as if nothing happened, she would go on a tirade going all the way back to when she met my dad somehow. Never fails. I guess I still harbor some resentment for things since I would not have brought that up if I didn't. Oh well, I'm a work in progress and always will be. I'm glad I saw the movie, you should too. Thanks Matty.
Tuesday I woke up late again which I hate. I hate rushing to get ready for any events, that it leaves a bad taste to me all day. I ty to shake it off, but I don't feel right completely. Usually I get up about an hour before I have to leave, giving me enough time to get ready, and then just do nothing. My mom used to comment about it but I didn't pay her any mind. Guess it's the phlegmatic in me. I like taking my time doing things. I ended up driving today since I missed the bus, and with it being the first time I drove to work, I went to the wrong garage. I went to the Permit Parking when I should have gone to the Visitor Parking since I really didn't have a monthly pass or anything. Got lost too in the garage, trying to find my car. I just had to laugh at myself. Even the security guard was probably chuckling, watching me walk all over trying to figure out where my car was supposed to be. Well, found it and here I am.
Haven't been feeling too well so ended up napping. It was nice doing so, though now it's pay back by me being up this late. Gotta try to get some sleep though, since three hours to go before I have to leave for work. I don't know why this is happening, it's not that I have had things in my mind lately. I try not to overthink things anymore, just accept it for what it is. I'll find friends when the right time comes, though I sure miss having friends around. The ones I made in Hampton, not sure where those are going. Eventhough I live only three hours way, I don't think I'll muster up enough energy to make that drive. Just don't see the point, and I need to focus on the now. Try to explore more of where I am, though I sure wish my friends were here. I was trying to get my mil buddies to move here, but that's probably not gonna happen. They say they prefer the West Coast, but really I can't tell what the difference is. Maybe one day, I'll figure it out but right now, I'm good where I am.
The heater for the apartment's broken right now, but I have a portable heater so it's noo too bad. Funny how I kinda wished Ch- was here with me even after I've only met him once. I'm getting to a point where I wanna have somebody to share..
It's a damn cold night trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I'm with you...
Monday, I actually considered going down to DC after work, to walk around a bit, then go drinking. One guy e-mailed about getting together for drinks, but I didn't call him that day to say yay or nay. I wasn't feeling too well so just thought I'd go home first, then go from there if I feel a bit better. Made it close to home, though I got off a few blocks down to pick up some oatmeal and get a haircut as well. It looks like I'm gonna have to get one once a month, since around three weeks or so, the sides grow out and I would be sporting an afro if I let it be. I think I'm just going to grow the top out like I used to, and not shave my head again, which I seem to do whenever I see/visit my cousin Nani. I shaved it the first time when she visited me in Japan, then left it alone for about two and a half years, then having it cut off few weeks before I came back to the U.S. She thinks it's sexier, but oh well, it's my hair and I should do what I please. On the walk home, figured I'd call my friend CG a call and say hi. He called a couple of days ago but I let the voicemail pick up since I was already in bed....with ted (kidding). Well, not Ted but Ch-. Someone that I had dinner with Thursday. We didn't get to meet 'til around 9:30 pm, and he lived like 30 mins away and I was too tired to drive back around midnight. We just started e-mailing each other on the 2nd, and met up with on the 4th. I'd just say it's dinner since I don't like calling it a date somehow. Ever since I started meeting with guys, I just call it hanging out or having dinner, instead of saying I'm going on a date. This was last Thursday though, and I haven't seen him ever since. There's a talk of catching a movie sometime so will see how that'll go. As one blogger is aware, I have a habit of not seeing the same guy twice. But I'm trying to work on that, thanks K *winks
After I got home, got on yahoo and ended up chatting with D- again. I really haven't chatted with him after we met, we've spoken a few times on the phone but that was that. Just got caught up a little with what's been going on in our lives, and we talked about the stay again. Same stuff from Friday that I mentioned, and some extra things, that he hugged me from behind when I was sleeping which really got me. Ugh, I guess I did/do like him since I've written about him a few times now. We talked about meeting up again, but this time, it'll be his turn as we agreed upon when we just started talking.
I wasn't up for drinking Monday, so just did the laundry and got rid of more little things. I'm such a packrat and trying to break out of it. I don't have much space really, so the more space, the better. Just watched Strangers with Candy again, not that I haven't seen it before but Jerri never fails to make me laugh. With my failed attempt to sleep, I ended up watching Friends with Money as Matt mentioned in his blog. I did like the movie, and it certainly rings true with friends talking about each other about the one that's not there. I certainly am guilty :-) It's weird how one character has so much anger that she snaps just about with anything. It's insane if you ask me, but some people do just that. Walking around with all these anger. Of course, I feel bad for them but still, it's gotta be rough for some. Well with the character, it was due to hormones with her getting older and stuff. Now I could kinda see how my mom was the way she was. Ugh, you can spill water and instead of just letting me wipe it off as if nothing happened, she would go on a tirade going all the way back to when she met my dad somehow. Never fails. I guess I still harbor some resentment for things since I would not have brought that up if I didn't. Oh well, I'm a work in progress and always will be. I'm glad I saw the movie, you should too. Thanks Matty.
Tuesday I woke up late again which I hate. I hate rushing to get ready for any events, that it leaves a bad taste to me all day. I ty to shake it off, but I don't feel right completely. Usually I get up about an hour before I have to leave, giving me enough time to get ready, and then just do nothing. My mom used to comment about it but I didn't pay her any mind. Guess it's the phlegmatic in me. I like taking my time doing things. I ended up driving today since I missed the bus, and with it being the first time I drove to work, I went to the wrong garage. I went to the Permit Parking when I should have gone to the Visitor Parking since I really didn't have a monthly pass or anything. Got lost too in the garage, trying to find my car. I just had to laugh at myself. Even the security guard was probably chuckling, watching me walk all over trying to figure out where my car was supposed to be. Well, found it and here I am.
Haven't been feeling too well so ended up napping. It was nice doing so, though now it's pay back by me being up this late. Gotta try to get some sleep though, since three hours to go before I have to leave for work. I don't know why this is happening, it's not that I have had things in my mind lately. I try not to overthink things anymore, just accept it for what it is. I'll find friends when the right time comes, though I sure miss having friends around. The ones I made in Hampton, not sure where those are going. Eventhough I live only three hours way, I don't think I'll muster up enough energy to make that drive. Just don't see the point, and I need to focus on the now. Try to explore more of where I am, though I sure wish my friends were here. I was trying to get my mil buddies to move here, but that's probably not gonna happen. They say they prefer the West Coast, but really I can't tell what the difference is. Maybe one day, I'll figure it out but right now, I'm good where I am.
The heater for the apartment's broken right now, but I have a portable heater so it's noo too bad. Funny how I kinda wished Ch- was here with me even after I've only met him once. I'm getting to a point where I wanna have somebody to share..
It's a damn cold night trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I'm with you...
07 January 2007
Even if
I'm lounging here in a long sleeve tee, and my boxer brief and socks on though I'm gonna take the socks off when I go to bed. I can't just sleep with my socks on, never has, and probably never will. I just got back from Bethesda after seeing The Good German. It was a good movie, though it was something I would not have seen by myself otherwise. This was actually my first time going to Maryland since moving here a month ago. Bethesda's about 40 mins away by car and eventhough I've been hearing good things about Bethesda, I haven't made it a point of going there yet. Until tonight. It's a nice area, and I would have stayed longer if I was in a drinking mood. I planned on going out after catching the movie, but was too tired when we stepped out that I just decided to call it a night.
It's been good here at my new place, and I finally got to talk more with the girl roommate today. Come to find out, she's actually Filipina so I thought that was neat. Looks like we'll get along okay, (even with her boyfriend who's a big Ranma fan, yay!), and it just made me glad when I had one of those moments when I thought to myself, I'm glad I'm here. We're still trying to get the apartment set-up to look like a home, instead of a crack house look it once was couple of weeks ago. Empty living room, and we pretty much just come to eat and sleep. I'm still trying to purge of excess things which I have yet to do, but will in due time.
Work's actually been good but this week's just been bleh. Am not really sure if it's because of something that happened at the beginning of it. You know, how they say if your Monday didn't turn out right, the rest of the week wouldn't either. I've made a mistake and it's something that kinda bit me in the ass. It's been fun since a few days before New Year's, I actually went out to the club, met new people, and hang out with some friends. I let something happen however, and with that, I've made and lost friends in the process, in a span of 72 hours. (I will write more about this later). Friday got the best of me, and I seriously just wanted to get drunk after leaving work. With one guy leaving, he was slacking off his last day, and I had to take care of one of the jobs assigned to him, and answer the phones. With my present job, we get calls througout the US and some callers can be trying with one's patience. I'm pretty patient though at times, people set out to just ruin someone else's day. I know they don't set out to do that, but that's what some customers do. Though some callers actually had me bust out laughing so I guess it gets all balanced out, the ying and yang if you will, or maybe it's just something I tell myself.
After getting off work, I ended up just going home first then considered going out afterwards. I got mayonnaise on my shirt and pants and I had a messenger bag on, and so I wanted to get refreshed and not have anything with me when I go out. So caught the bus home, and logged on for a bit, and few minutes after, a message from D- came in which surprised me. D-, as some of you would know, was the guy I met last winter. We've only spoken a few times after that meeting, mostly me giving him a call, but we never talked on messenger ever since. I guess I still have feelings for him, but that could never be since he lives in Europe anyways. Just caught up on some things, but it was nice to hear him say that he missed me and he keeps thinking about the time I was in London. He apologized also since we didn't get to do any sightseeing during my stay, since he said he was worrying over some things back home. I'm just glad to talk to him I suppose, and there were talks of him visiting soon. We had an agreement that he'd visit me after I visit him, and he's yet to fulfill his end of the bargain. It'll be nice to see him again, though sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to just leave things as they were, and have those three days a memory in the past. Can't say it's love really, but we do like each other, or it's just lust, as my friend (hater) said it was. Will just have to see how this goes, though won't keep my hopes up too much so I just wouldn't get disappointed if he ends up not coming. This made me glad.
It's been a new year though I have yet to write down my thoughts and wishes for this year and the year that passed. Well, I've been thinking it but just need to jot them down. My dad said it's better to see your plans in writing, instead of just thinking them. Maybe I'll reflect back on 2006 one of these days...or not. Though this year, I'm gonna try to post more than I did this past year. It's funny how I told myself that a year ago and look where it got me. But still, I'll just have to start doing it, taking some action instead of just wishing.
So much has happened this past month, been good mostly though the loneliness gets the best of me from time to time. Trying to meet new people, making friends in the process, and the effort it takes seems to be too much sometimes. With it came self-doubt, and questioning your worth. I thought I've grown more than that, yet when I thought someone was gonna bail out on me, all these self-defeating things just crept in. I thought how I'm not even worth of getting a call telling me what happened, thinking what's wrong with me that people would do such a thing? It turned out good though, got to hang out with J- and he showed me around the area a bit :) Ok, I just had a moment and was gonna write it down, but it left me. Oh, maybe it's that we owe ourselves to be happy? That we can't let others control our emotions on any given day? I forgot where I read it but it's something to the effect of how people can't really make us happy or sad, since they really don't. Nobody can make me happy but me. Well, it's true to an extent but people sure bring me some happiness. I don't think I would have made it those far without them, family, friends, even strangers, some I've only touched shoulders with, and some that became friends. It takes time, but you can always get someone to love you, even if you have to do it yourself.
It's been good here at my new place, and I finally got to talk more with the girl roommate today. Come to find out, she's actually Filipina so I thought that was neat. Looks like we'll get along okay, (even with her boyfriend who's a big Ranma fan, yay!), and it just made me glad when I had one of those moments when I thought to myself, I'm glad I'm here. We're still trying to get the apartment set-up to look like a home, instead of a crack house look it once was couple of weeks ago. Empty living room, and we pretty much just come to eat and sleep. I'm still trying to purge of excess things which I have yet to do, but will in due time.
Work's actually been good but this week's just been bleh. Am not really sure if it's because of something that happened at the beginning of it. You know, how they say if your Monday didn't turn out right, the rest of the week wouldn't either. I've made a mistake and it's something that kinda bit me in the ass. It's been fun since a few days before New Year's, I actually went out to the club, met new people, and hang out with some friends. I let something happen however, and with that, I've made and lost friends in the process, in a span of 72 hours. (I will write more about this later). Friday got the best of me, and I seriously just wanted to get drunk after leaving work. With one guy leaving, he was slacking off his last day, and I had to take care of one of the jobs assigned to him, and answer the phones. With my present job, we get calls througout the US and some callers can be trying with one's patience. I'm pretty patient though at times, people set out to just ruin someone else's day. I know they don't set out to do that, but that's what some customers do. Though some callers actually had me bust out laughing so I guess it gets all balanced out, the ying and yang if you will, or maybe it's just something I tell myself.
After getting off work, I ended up just going home first then considered going out afterwards. I got mayonnaise on my shirt and pants and I had a messenger bag on, and so I wanted to get refreshed and not have anything with me when I go out. So caught the bus home, and logged on for a bit, and few minutes after, a message from D- came in which surprised me. D-, as some of you would know, was the guy I met last winter. We've only spoken a few times after that meeting, mostly me giving him a call, but we never talked on messenger ever since. I guess I still have feelings for him, but that could never be since he lives in Europe anyways. Just caught up on some things, but it was nice to hear him say that he missed me and he keeps thinking about the time I was in London. He apologized also since we didn't get to do any sightseeing during my stay, since he said he was worrying over some things back home. I'm just glad to talk to him I suppose, and there were talks of him visiting soon. We had an agreement that he'd visit me after I visit him, and he's yet to fulfill his end of the bargain. It'll be nice to see him again, though sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to just leave things as they were, and have those three days a memory in the past. Can't say it's love really, but we do like each other, or it's just lust, as my friend (hater) said it was. Will just have to see how this goes, though won't keep my hopes up too much so I just wouldn't get disappointed if he ends up not coming. This made me glad.
It's been a new year though I have yet to write down my thoughts and wishes for this year and the year that passed. Well, I've been thinking it but just need to jot them down. My dad said it's better to see your plans in writing, instead of just thinking them. Maybe I'll reflect back on 2006 one of these days...or not. Though this year, I'm gonna try to post more than I did this past year. It's funny how I told myself that a year ago and look where it got me. But still, I'll just have to start doing it, taking some action instead of just wishing.
So much has happened this past month, been good mostly though the loneliness gets the best of me from time to time. Trying to meet new people, making friends in the process, and the effort it takes seems to be too much sometimes. With it came self-doubt, and questioning your worth. I thought I've grown more than that, yet when I thought someone was gonna bail out on me, all these self-defeating things just crept in. I thought how I'm not even worth of getting a call telling me what happened, thinking what's wrong with me that people would do such a thing? It turned out good though, got to hang out with J- and he showed me around the area a bit :) Ok, I just had a moment and was gonna write it down, but it left me. Oh, maybe it's that we owe ourselves to be happy? That we can't let others control our emotions on any given day? I forgot where I read it but it's something to the effect of how people can't really make us happy or sad, since they really don't. Nobody can make me happy but me. Well, it's true to an extent but people sure bring me some happiness. I don't think I would have made it those far without them, family, friends, even strangers, some I've only touched shoulders with, and some that became friends. It takes time, but you can always get someone to love you, even if you have to do it yourself.
04 January 2007
We got to carry each other
Ok, the holidays is finally over and things are back to normal. Not that I've really busy since I didn't go spend it with the family, not being sure where to go exactly. It wasn't too bad though I'd have to say my emotions got the best of me on some days. One moment, I was thinking how it's no big deal that just because it's the holidays, I had to go see the family etc etc. Either that, or Whew, am glad I had a few days off at least.
I really didn't do much on the actual Christmas day. The night before, I went to a midnight mass as I mentioned with some girls [or should I say women] that I just met. Getting to the cathedral after managing to cross the border to Maryland, and turning right back around to get back to DC. I was in three states in less than an hour! Got a free tour of the area, looking at the bright side of things. I didn't get to see Dreamgirls either since the guy I was supposed to go with, cancelled. He's not really my date so it's okay. I'm just trying to find people to be friends with, and I'm trying to be understanding that things happen, which they do. I'm sure if I lived with my parents, then with the grandparents down the block, it can get hectic. Here and there, I'd wish it would have been like that for me now that I'm older, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I can handle that. Who am I kidding? Of course, I can. There'll be drama, but I think that's what families are for. Hahaha. He said, she said, they told me, I heard....With all the things that went on, it never got to me surprisingly. Ok, I digress. I just found an excuse to use that word *grins
So got home from the mass, and I ended up making a video once again. I thought about uploading it since the song has a really good message. It's the song "(I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be) Free/One originally sang by Nina Simone, and remade by Lighthouse Family. It said it was crossed with U2's One though of course, I wouldn't know what they're talking about. Now I do. I just looked up and now see what the cross was. You always learn something new everyday.... After doing about three takes since I didn't know the damn words, I think I went to bed. I might have drunk a little but I don't remember.
Woke up around 8, so that's about 5 hrs of sleep, and there waiting on my phone was a message from D-, which some of you would know was the one I met up with last winter. That made my day [here I was thinking I was over him], it was just nice to know he thought of me though I don't know why felt the need to remind me that he's my italian friend. As if I would forget him *winks Laid around for a bit, then called the family up, and maybe a friend or two, Jim in England and I think that was it. I sent some text messages out but felt lame after that. The things I tell myself I tell ya... I forgot where I read it but I came across something where the author says how we can be too self-critical sometimes. How things we tell ourselves, we would go as far as to hurt somebody if they're the ones who'd say those to our face. Am I making sense? So yea, I felt like a bit of a loser lol. I wish I can just not care, but holidays roll around and I think about people. I wonder how she's been, I wonder what he's doing, ugh. I have too much free time thinking about other people.
Listened to some christmas songs, then took a moment to write some greeting cards. It's better late than never. There's this one angel card that I got, and I dunno, it kinda inspired me to send some cards out. I sent one out to a teacher I had when I was a sjenior (get it junior, and senior in one). I've been meaning to write him a letter since I joined the military and I got out and everything, and had yet to do that. It was pretty much a note thanking him for believing in me. I was really quiet in school, as I mentioned in the 100 i's, and so, for people to notice, that makes one glad. With quiet folks, eventhough we're not calling out for attention, it still feels nice to be noticed. Well that man, Commander Lawless, was our JROTC commander when I was in Florida. He called me to his office one time and told me that he's choosing me to be one of the two representatives (I forgot how the slots opened) to the Florida Boys State. I forgot how the slots openedI was thinking oh lord, why'd he pick me? I barely utter a word in class, how in the hell does he think I'll do at that? Well that was after he explained to me what it was about. He explained to me why he thought I was a good fit. For a boy with a not so high self-esteem, it makes a difference, a BIG difference, to actually have someone point out what his qualities are. I just always thought I was okay, ya know, doing what I can to get by. Trying not to brag, but when I was in school, I won a bunch of awards for being in the honor roll, winning some academic competitions, etc etc but I really didn't think much of it. Maybe it was to impress daddy, and get his attention.
Getting back to CDR, he went on and told me how eventhough I was quiet, he can see that I'm digesting everything around me, and some other things. Ok, to be honest I don't remember what else he told me. How I'd make a good leader maybe!? Anyway, what was said doesn't matter too much now. All that matters is that it helped me to start believing in myself more. It's what helped me get through some tough times, getting through basic training and all. I'll write about that one day, with whatever bits and pieces I can recall. Odd how at boot camp, a guy made a comment how I always made him laugh by just being there. Gee thanks, did I look that funny? Another one said how I smiled the whole six weeks we were there, and I really don't recall smiling, let alone that much. Lord, get me through the day!! That's all I remember thinking. Oh by the way, boot camp turns even atheists into church goers. Now you know who he is. He really made a difference in my life, and I figured now would be a good time to let him know that. I'm thinking he might not even remember me, though I'm hoping that he does. I have a feeling he will but even if he doesn't, it wouldn't matter too much. He's touched somebody's life and that's all there is to it. I was crying the whole time I was trying to sum up in a few words how much he's affected me. Did that, and wrote a few other cards, then I was okay again.
One minute, I was like bawling, and next thing ya know, I was laughing like a hyena. Cracking up over some songs, then singing and dancing along to some christmas carols. It's the little things. I'd die if somebody sees these videos I made, yet here I am telling the world I make them. Ok, when I was back in Japan, I didn't realize I stored some pictures on our network. I think I was gonna put it up until I get to send it to my cousin, then just delete it. But that slipped my mind, and come a year and a half later, those pictures bit me in the ass. They were doing a network wide scan for all pictures (that shouldn't be on the shared drives) and lo and behold, that damn scan pulled up those pictures. It was a whole office that saw it, and one of the guys I knew from that shop, called me over and said he wanted to show me something. I head over to their office, and there up on the screen was one of my pics. I just stood there, and was embarrassed to death. The 'warm' feeling that came over me, well more like hot while I stood there in disbelief that these folks saw my pictures. Ok, it was kinda girly. I'd say kinda gay, but let's not forget I am one already hahaha. But yea, you got a 20-yr old "soldier" blowing kisses to the camera, and pouting his lips, holding a peace sign with his fingers. After that happened, people I've never spoken to knew me as the guy 'in those pictures."
I'm sharing the song coz who wouldn't wish they knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free I wish I could break All the chains holding me
I wish I could say All the things that I should say Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear
I wish I could share All the love that's In my heart Remove all the bars That keep us apart
And I wish you could know How it feels to be me Then you'd see and agree That every man Should be free
I wish I could be like A bird in the sky How sweet it would be If I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and Look down at the sea And I'd sing 'Cause I'd know How it feels to be free
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free I wish I could break All the chains holding me
And I wish I could say All the things that I wanna say Say 'em loud Say 'em clear
For the whole Wide world to hear
Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear
Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear
One love One blood One life You got to do What you should
One life With each other Sisters Brothers
One life But we're not the same We get to carry each other
Carry each other
Woah, woah, woah, woah
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free
I really didn't do much on the actual Christmas day. The night before, I went to a midnight mass as I mentioned with some girls [or should I say women] that I just met. Getting to the cathedral after managing to cross the border to Maryland, and turning right back around to get back to DC. I was in three states in less than an hour! Got a free tour of the area, looking at the bright side of things. I didn't get to see Dreamgirls either since the guy I was supposed to go with, cancelled. He's not really my date so it's okay. I'm just trying to find people to be friends with, and I'm trying to be understanding that things happen, which they do. I'm sure if I lived with my parents, then with the grandparents down the block, it can get hectic. Here and there, I'd wish it would have been like that for me now that I'm older, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I can handle that. Who am I kidding? Of course, I can. There'll be drama, but I think that's what families are for. Hahaha. He said, she said, they told me, I heard....With all the things that went on, it never got to me surprisingly. Ok, I digress. I just found an excuse to use that word *grins
So got home from the mass, and I ended up making a video once again. I thought about uploading it since the song has a really good message. It's the song "(I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be) Free/One originally sang by Nina Simone, and remade by Lighthouse Family. It said it was crossed with U2's One though of course, I wouldn't know what they're talking about. Now I do. I just looked up and now see what the cross was. You always learn something new everyday.... After doing about three takes since I didn't know the damn words, I think I went to bed. I might have drunk a little but I don't remember.
Woke up around 8, so that's about 5 hrs of sleep, and there waiting on my phone was a message from D-, which some of you would know was the one I met up with last winter. That made my day [here I was thinking I was over him], it was just nice to know he thought of me though I don't know why felt the need to remind me that he's my italian friend. As if I would forget him *winks Laid around for a bit, then called the family up, and maybe a friend or two, Jim in England and I think that was it. I sent some text messages out but felt lame after that. The things I tell myself I tell ya... I forgot where I read it but I came across something where the author says how we can be too self-critical sometimes. How things we tell ourselves, we would go as far as to hurt somebody if they're the ones who'd say those to our face. Am I making sense? So yea, I felt like a bit of a loser lol. I wish I can just not care, but holidays roll around and I think about people. I wonder how she's been, I wonder what he's doing, ugh. I have too much free time thinking about other people.
Listened to some christmas songs, then took a moment to write some greeting cards. It's better late than never. There's this one angel card that I got, and I dunno, it kinda inspired me to send some cards out. I sent one out to a teacher I had when I was a sjenior (get it junior, and senior in one). I've been meaning to write him a letter since I joined the military and I got out and everything, and had yet to do that. It was pretty much a note thanking him for believing in me. I was really quiet in school, as I mentioned in the 100 i's, and so, for people to notice, that makes one glad. With quiet folks, eventhough we're not calling out for attention, it still feels nice to be noticed. Well that man, Commander Lawless, was our JROTC commander when I was in Florida. He called me to his office one time and told me that he's choosing me to be one of the two representatives (I forgot how the slots opened) to the Florida Boys State. I forgot how the slots openedI was thinking oh lord, why'd he pick me? I barely utter a word in class, how in the hell does he think I'll do at that? Well that was after he explained to me what it was about. He explained to me why he thought I was a good fit. For a boy with a not so high self-esteem, it makes a difference, a BIG difference, to actually have someone point out what his qualities are. I just always thought I was okay, ya know, doing what I can to get by. Trying not to brag, but when I was in school, I won a bunch of awards for being in the honor roll, winning some academic competitions, etc etc but I really didn't think much of it. Maybe it was to impress daddy, and get his attention.
Getting back to CDR, he went on and told me how eventhough I was quiet, he can see that I'm digesting everything around me, and some other things. Ok, to be honest I don't remember what else he told me. How I'd make a good leader maybe!? Anyway, what was said doesn't matter too much now. All that matters is that it helped me to start believing in myself more. It's what helped me get through some tough times, getting through basic training and all. I'll write about that one day, with whatever bits and pieces I can recall. Odd how at boot camp, a guy made a comment how I always made him laugh by just being there. Gee thanks, did I look that funny? Another one said how I smiled the whole six weeks we were there, and I really don't recall smiling, let alone that much. Lord, get me through the day!! That's all I remember thinking. Oh by the way, boot camp turns even atheists into church goers. Now you know who he is. He really made a difference in my life, and I figured now would be a good time to let him know that. I'm thinking he might not even remember me, though I'm hoping that he does. I have a feeling he will but even if he doesn't, it wouldn't matter too much. He's touched somebody's life and that's all there is to it. I was crying the whole time I was trying to sum up in a few words how much he's affected me. Did that, and wrote a few other cards, then I was okay again.
One minute, I was like bawling, and next thing ya know, I was laughing like a hyena. Cracking up over some songs, then singing and dancing along to some christmas carols. It's the little things. I'd die if somebody sees these videos I made, yet here I am telling the world I make them. Ok, when I was back in Japan, I didn't realize I stored some pictures on our network. I think I was gonna put it up until I get to send it to my cousin, then just delete it. But that slipped my mind, and come a year and a half later, those pictures bit me in the ass. They were doing a network wide scan for all pictures (that shouldn't be on the shared drives) and lo and behold, that damn scan pulled up those pictures. It was a whole office that saw it, and one of the guys I knew from that shop, called me over and said he wanted to show me something. I head over to their office, and there up on the screen was one of my pics. I just stood there, and was embarrassed to death. The 'warm' feeling that came over me, well more like hot while I stood there in disbelief that these folks saw my pictures. Ok, it was kinda girly. I'd say kinda gay, but let's not forget I am one already hahaha. But yea, you got a 20-yr old "soldier" blowing kisses to the camera, and pouting his lips, holding a peace sign with his fingers. After that happened, people I've never spoken to knew me as the guy 'in those pictures."
I'm sharing the song coz who wouldn't wish they knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free I wish I could break All the chains holding me
I wish I could say All the things that I should say Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear
I wish I could share All the love that's In my heart Remove all the bars That keep us apart
And I wish you could know How it feels to be me Then you'd see and agree That every man Should be free
I wish I could be like A bird in the sky How sweet it would be If I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and Look down at the sea And I'd sing 'Cause I'd know How it feels to be free
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free I wish I could break All the chains holding me
And I wish I could say All the things that I wanna say Say 'em loud Say 'em clear
For the whole Wide world to hear
Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear
Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear
One love One blood One life You got to do What you should
One life With each other Sisters Brothers
One life But we're not the same We get to carry each other
Carry each other
Woah, woah, woah, woah
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free
25 December 2006
Merry Christmas
On Christmas Eve, I went to the midnight mass for a change. This is the first in a very long time that I attended one. We used to go when I was younger, they have what's called simbang gabi (misa de gallo in Spanish) in the Philippines where you go to mass every night starting on the 16th all the way to the night prior to Christmas if I remember correctly. That was actually the main thing as far as dinners go, when midnight strikes,that families get together and have noche buena. It's usually after dinner that kids open their presents.
One of the things that I miss was getting up early the next day, and making our rounds in the neighborhood. Us kids go to people's houses, knocking on their doors saying Mamamasko Po and the owners in turn would us give us cash money ($_$) It's also a tradition that godparents would usually buy you gifts, and I remember getting jealous since I only have 1 pair of grandparents and neither one of them lived in the country so no gifts for me. I knew better to believe in Santa Claus too hahaha. Not that I was jaded, but I never bought that. And one thing I wished wasn't really a toy or anything. If you'd read my blog, I think you'd know what my only wish was. And with the midnight dinner, of course, comes my favorite dessert of all. Leche flan, or flan, as most people in the U.S. knows it as. Egg yolks mixed with brown sugar, and milk.. yum yum...Will post some old holiday pictures up once I unpack all my things, I think I have a few I can show. There's one with me wearing a neon green t-shirt and shorts *horror..
Tonight, with it being my first Christmas in the DC area, I could have done two things. Stay home and think of just another day, or actually celebrate it in a way. Fellow blogger, One 3ye, made me think back of when I used to look forward to the Christmas season. I was getting melancholy and got teary eyed with being in a new city, not knowing too many peoople yet, and not having anywhere to go. It's not that I minded, I could have flown to Vegas, and spend time with Dad and the family, but I opted to spend Thanksgiving instead. I dunno, Vegas really didn't do anything for me last time I visited. I spent a dollar on some game I don't even remember now.
Anyway, some woman was trying to find people to go to mass with. I saw her post but was having second thoughts about actually e-mailing her. Was thinking of it being weird, going to a midnight mass with strangers but I ended up e-mailing her, and she responded. I didn't call her at once though, was still contemplating about it when I left to go to the store which were all closed. Good thing Subway was open since I was starving. Got me a sandwich, went home and ate and ironed my clothes for the mass. After getting dressed, I gave D- a call and said I'll be making my way out to DC. DC probably isn't as confusing as it was, but with it being my first time driving there, I of course managed to get lost. I was trying to go downtown, and ended up in Chevy Chase, MD which was just right over the border. There I was thinking Am I supposed to drive through this town? so I pulled over and gave D- a call. She was really helpful though as far as trying to get me to get to Dupont Circle where the cathedral is located. Finally got there like 45 mins after I last spoke with D- since where I parked was about 10 blocks from the cathedral. You can see me sprinting in the streets every so often just to be sure I wasn't gonna miss the mass.
It was nice, getting to attend a midnight mass in a cathedral nonetheless. Though I think I missed part of the sermon for who knows how long [well God does lol]. I got woken up when the booklet I was holding hit the floor so yea.. Oh yea, D- was also with another girl C- and I ended up sitting next to her, and we made small talk. Just really brief since we were seated already inside. It was great overall, I was really glad I went. And after the mass ended, and we were going our separate ways, all three of us got to talk at least. Them telling me how I did good trying to find my way, after having just moved here three weeks ago. We all had the same interests as far as movies go so there were talks of getting together, and having lunch or something. I was thinking it, but it was D- that brought it up, after which C- said if we can exchange numbers too. Awesome!!! So we'll see how this will go. Funny how I always get girls' numbers. Even at a party I went to Saturday night, all those guys there and I left with a girl's number instead. The guys were a bit older, but still.... I'm not a big fan of parties, but kinda forced myself to go just because... Some guy I knew, well earlier in the day, invited me to his friend's party. I was having second thoughts at first, but my cousin urged me to go, telling me the things I usually tell her if I feel she's being anti-social. Had a bit of a drink, but it was fun. Glad I went to that one too.
Though for tomorrow, hmm, not sure yet. Might go see Dreamgirls with an acquaintance, can't say we're friends yet, if he doesn't cancel on me a third time. We were gonna go hang out but with it being his birthday Saturday and all, his dad wanted to see him at least. So we'll see how that goes. I actually didn't care much about Dreamgirls, but after seeing the preview of it Friday when watching Babel, I reconsidered. I think it was Jennifer Hudson singing but it seriously sent goosebumps through my body hearing that clip. I have no idea how that happened, but it really did.
Well, bed's calling my name so will get rested now. Here's some Filipino christmas songs:
Pasko Na Naman
Simbang Gabi
Pasko Na Sinta Ko
Merry Christmas y'all and wishing you a great year ahead!
One of the things that I miss was getting up early the next day, and making our rounds in the neighborhood. Us kids go to people's houses, knocking on their doors saying Mamamasko Po and the owners in turn would us give us cash money ($_$) It's also a tradition that godparents would usually buy you gifts, and I remember getting jealous since I only have 1 pair of grandparents and neither one of them lived in the country so no gifts for me. I knew better to believe in Santa Claus too hahaha. Not that I was jaded, but I never bought that. And one thing I wished wasn't really a toy or anything. If you'd read my blog, I think you'd know what my only wish was. And with the midnight dinner, of course, comes my favorite dessert of all. Leche flan, or flan, as most people in the U.S. knows it as. Egg yolks mixed with brown sugar, and milk.. yum yum...Will post some old holiday pictures up once I unpack all my things, I think I have a few I can show. There's one with me wearing a neon green t-shirt and shorts *horror..
Tonight, with it being my first Christmas in the DC area, I could have done two things. Stay home and think of just another day, or actually celebrate it in a way. Fellow blogger, One 3ye, made me think back of when I used to look forward to the Christmas season. I was getting melancholy and got teary eyed with being in a new city, not knowing too many peoople yet, and not having anywhere to go. It's not that I minded, I could have flown to Vegas, and spend time with Dad and the family, but I opted to spend Thanksgiving instead. I dunno, Vegas really didn't do anything for me last time I visited. I spent a dollar on some game I don't even remember now.
Anyway, some woman was trying to find people to go to mass with. I saw her post but was having second thoughts about actually e-mailing her. Was thinking of it being weird, going to a midnight mass with strangers but I ended up e-mailing her, and she responded. I didn't call her at once though, was still contemplating about it when I left to go to the store which were all closed. Good thing Subway was open since I was starving. Got me a sandwich, went home and ate and ironed my clothes for the mass. After getting dressed, I gave D- a call and said I'll be making my way out to DC. DC probably isn't as confusing as it was, but with it being my first time driving there, I of course managed to get lost. I was trying to go downtown, and ended up in Chevy Chase, MD which was just right over the border. There I was thinking Am I supposed to drive through this town? so I pulled over and gave D- a call. She was really helpful though as far as trying to get me to get to Dupont Circle where the cathedral is located. Finally got there like 45 mins after I last spoke with D- since where I parked was about 10 blocks from the cathedral. You can see me sprinting in the streets every so often just to be sure I wasn't gonna miss the mass.
It was nice, getting to attend a midnight mass in a cathedral nonetheless. Though I think I missed part of the sermon for who knows how long [well God does lol]. I got woken up when the booklet I was holding hit the floor so yea.. Oh yea, D- was also with another girl C- and I ended up sitting next to her, and we made small talk. Just really brief since we were seated already inside. It was great overall, I was really glad I went. And after the mass ended, and we were going our separate ways, all three of us got to talk at least. Them telling me how I did good trying to find my way, after having just moved here three weeks ago. We all had the same interests as far as movies go so there were talks of getting together, and having lunch or something. I was thinking it, but it was D- that brought it up, after which C- said if we can exchange numbers too. Awesome!!! So we'll see how this will go. Funny how I always get girls' numbers. Even at a party I went to Saturday night, all those guys there and I left with a girl's number instead. The guys were a bit older, but still.... I'm not a big fan of parties, but kinda forced myself to go just because... Some guy I knew, well earlier in the day, invited me to his friend's party. I was having second thoughts at first, but my cousin urged me to go, telling me the things I usually tell her if I feel she's being anti-social. Had a bit of a drink, but it was fun. Glad I went to that one too.
Though for tomorrow, hmm, not sure yet. Might go see Dreamgirls with an acquaintance, can't say we're friends yet, if he doesn't cancel on me a third time. We were gonna go hang out but with it being his birthday Saturday and all, his dad wanted to see him at least. So we'll see how that goes. I actually didn't care much about Dreamgirls, but after seeing the preview of it Friday when watching Babel, I reconsidered. I think it was Jennifer Hudson singing but it seriously sent goosebumps through my body hearing that clip. I have no idea how that happened, but it really did.
Well, bed's calling my name so will get rested now. Here's some Filipino christmas songs:
Pasko Na Naman
Simbang Gabi
Pasko Na Sinta Ko
Merry Christmas y'all and wishing you a great year ahead!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)