Friyay

Wow, the week sure did fly by. One more day of answering phones and next week, will be out on the floor fixing things, not really sure how I feel about it. I run into unique computer problems, and I guess that's a good thing but sometimes, I'd rather not learn just yet.

Yesterday was the first time I ran after a week and a half of not doing anything. It felt good since I wanted to shake off this weird feeling that came over me earlier. Just got to thinking about going back to Florida, to a point where I thought to just quit this job and move back down. Just been thinking about school lately. Granted, I'm taking classes this summer however, I'm gonna have to pay out-of-state tuition fee and it'll cost a LOT. It won't be until Spring that I can become a residen, and with that, I'll lose the scholarship back in Florida. It'll pay 75% so hmmm.. I still have a while though, it'll be good until Dec 2009, three years after I got out of the military so will see.

I'm liking the DC area more. Getting to see music shows, and living pretty close to the city has been good. Knowing I have all these options of things to do, places to see, is nice. I need to start meeting people again though. I kinda took a break from meeting new folks after that whole E- incident. And to think, he doesn't even live here. I oughta write about that evening since it feels like I only write about the not so good things. Getting two hours of sleep and coming in to work the next day, mannn that was rough.I used to say I wouldn't do that but sometimes, one gets caught up in the moment. I was with him and a friend I never met until that day. It doesn't make much sense but will explain later.

It still sucks not having friends in the area but I'm more at peace with that now. Here and there, I'd wish I did when I see a group of folks just out and about, but I'm being patient. Obviously, I can't just wish and not do anything so meeting possibly two people this weekend and see how that goes. I might see Hot Fuzz with one of them but still trying to finalize it. And Saturday, maybe explore the museums. I've been here four months and have yet to set foot at any. I've hit the bars and clubs but those doesn't really count, does it?

My dad's gonna be in NC next week for my cousin's graduation. I probably won't go, I kinda forgot all about it after the aunt who I've been talking to kinda went off the radar. It's a 6-hr drive and doubt I'd be up for it. There's gonna be a wedding this summer too but it's in Atlanta so doubt I'd go to that one either. My dad doesn't even know my mom's coming to the States. I MIGHT pick her up from Cali to Florida but will see how that'll go. Oh wow, that's coming up soon.

Enough

Since moving here in NoVa, I've been asked mostly by cashiers what i am. With some, I find it funny when they say they can tell by the eyes. The homeless lady, she cracked me up when she said it's because of my chinky eyes (I'm sure she didn't mean it in a bad way).

Last Monday, I got asked about where I was from twice at two different stores. The first one kinda argued about it with me coz I told her the Philippines. I mentioned that I grew up there though my dad is black. As if I wasn't aware, I don't look black she was insisting that I can't be from there since I'm black. I mentioned that I'm mixed and I think kinda offended her when I said I might look black, but I'm not. I guess to a point that might seem racist since some folks might think I'm disowning my blackness. But what can I do really? Granted I lived in Florida for two years, I feel like I'm lying when I say I was from there when I'm well aware that I just lived there. Sometimes I think I just should to just not deal with the questions. The second girl, she just accepted what I said, and even thanked me in Tagalog on my way out. Dunno what really prompted the question.

Even with ethnicity in questionnaires, I still have an issue checking off which. I can check off Asian but I really don't look like it, I can check off Black but I don't feel like I am one, if that makes sense. I'm not one more than the other. I used to think why couldn't have I just looked like the rest when growing up. It would have been easier, but being mixed, people kinda had a higher expectation of me, even my mom. You can't mess up, it's enough that you were left behind by a foreign father, you gotta do better. I used to feel like the picture, but not anymore.


I'm working the late shift since my coworker had a medical appointment to go to. Everybody pretty much left around 6, so I'm all by myself at the office. I like it like this sometimes, nobody but me so I come in 20 mins before my shift starts sometimes. I usually laugh it off as far as my race and whatnot, but just got to thinking about it tonight.

Not black enough to be black, not filipino enough for Filipino. I guess I can just be me, and that should be enough.

I'm bald again

It's Tuesday now as I finish writing this. Was meaning to write all morning but got sidetracked with all the people calling *shocks

 

It was a good weekend. It apparently was nice up here in DC but I found out a little bit too late. I've made plans to make my way back to Hampton, which is a three-hour drive which as some of you would know where I used to live unitl December during my time in the military. I really haven't gone back since I left, but lately I kinda felt the need to come back to something familiar even for a little bit. I really wouldn't say that it was homesickness since my time there wasn't really the greatest, partly due to me as well and some things that went on.

I actually stayed at M-'s house whom I dated late '06. We dated for like three weeks but with me getting out of the military, being undecided what to do next, it kinda made things complicated and it sorta fizzled. He thought I didn't like him, which I did but I was confused about what my next step will be so kinda let if fall by the wayside eventhough I was starting to develop feelings for him. 

I made my drive straight after work last Friday and it was crrrrazy. Took me an hour to drive 20 miles, getting away from the NoVA area. I didn't get to where I needed to go 'til about 2015 (8:15 pm for you civilian folks kidding!!) I was a bit tired but I was glad I made the trip. I got a bit nostalgic driving down the streets I used to drive in, and the sunset was just amazing. It just had the perfect shade of orange and I was just in awe looking at it from the rear view mirror. Things appear bigger that way too. M- has three labradors, and I kinda missed those dogs too. I didn't know what to get for him, so I ended up getting some squeaky toys for the dogs instead and none for him. I seriously didn't know what to get. I suck at gift-giving. I didn't realize how cute those toys were, I was wanting to keep one for me.

I got there, and after freshening up a bit, we stepped out and went to the Ghent area. I loved this area since they have an independent theater and video rental store that I used to go to. Getting to watch some indie films, and brit sitcoms The Vicar of Dibley, the Peep Show, etc. We went to a Texas grill place and just caught up on what each other has been up to, etc. The topic of us came up eventually and we were able to talk about it. How it just sorta passively ended leaving both of us not in the know of what actually happened. We've both moved on but I did miss him for a bit, just laughing with him, talking with him. I pretty much told him how I felt. I know it's past but I think we both needed that conversation, call it closure if you will. He told me he was glad to hear those things, coz I did let him know I reconsidered staying in the area after I've met him. 2006 wasn't the greatest to be honest, I had a hard time making friends, and with the deaths in the family, seeing them and having to come back to aloneness, it got the best of me. I pulled away from everybody, resurfacing in the world for a bit of air, then sinking back down. Towards the end, I liked it a bit more living in Hampton after having met M-. I'd go to work smiling, having someone to look forward to seeing. Ah well, that's the past. What can you do but move forward.

 

This drink he had me try was actually good. Instead of ordering just margarita, you can ask for margarita vodka or vodka margarita, with no salt. He told me instead of using tequila, they would use vodka instead. Either vodka margarita or margarita vodka, I seriously don't remember haha. What I know about alcohol is pretty much limited. I use the bathroom like crazy when I drink so guess that's good my system flushes it right out.

 

Saturday, it's more of a lazy day and we went to an Italian place and had calzone. It's been my favorite ever since I got to eat it the first time back in Oct when we had it when I first met M-. We just went to the mall and walked around, and we were gonna see Grindhouse but it wasn't playing until 10 pm. The alergy pill made us both tired so we just left and went back to his place. Stopping by Naro in between, grabbing some Dairy Queen shake thinking it'll wake us up, and the rental store to get some movies. Got Shortbus and Monsters Inc since he hasn't seen either one. I haven't seen Shortbus, and now that I have I really can't say that I like it or not. I don't know what to think of it really. He just stayed in, while I got ready to meet out with my friend MJ-. I haven't seen her since I left so it was good catching up again after all this time. We just went to a club and danced around mostly. Boy, were we drenched. The club was packed and we felt like dancing after just watching people dance for an hour. We left a little bit after they stopped serving alcohol but I sat around for a bit to sober up. Not that I had that many drinks. I had maybe three!? But I tend to drink them like soda, drink it right up in like 5 minutes. I didn't get back to M's place til like 4 since I got lost. MJ- told me to make a right turn at this one street. I remembered the street name but not which way to take so made a left and just kept on going....and going...and going. After stopping at a gas station, I just looked up the directions and find my way back in no time. Got McDonald's pancake and sausage yummmm.. Good thing the woman didn't hear me the first time I ordered and asked for a sausage muffin, but seeing that they had pancakes, I remembered how much I liked it. When I was working at McDonald's, I'd order pancakes and sausage for dinner. I just love pancakes, I eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I get in the mood. I didn't use syrup until moving to the U.S. though. What we did is put sugar, and evaporated milk on it instead of butter and syrup. I didn't even know what syrups were.

 

Didn't wake up 'til 10 and we planned on having brunch at least, MJ-, M- and I but that didn't happen. M- sister was gonna come by around noon to go some music and arts show they had in DC, and MJ- was gonna go to a birthday party of the boy she babysits. I messaged my other friend J- and asked if he was busy. I was planning to just have short brunch with him but we ended up just sitting there for like three hours, shooting the breeze and talking. I kinda stopped e-mailing him after having moved here, just questioning some things. Eventhough we've become good friends, how I met him was kinda shady since he pretended to be somebody else. He thought I was cheating with his bf so he used a pseudonym trying to get information from me. He asked if I go to a site called adam4adam which I never heard of until he mentioned it teehee. He explained everything to me later on and it really didn't bother me, or I thought it didn't.

 

I guess I do trust easily but I really can't not to. I've met some people that are just cynical, realistic maybe but I can't not trust. I can't go through life thinking something bad is going to happen, and that I can't trust people in this time and age. I've been wronged but that won't stop me from believing that of the good out there. There's so much goodness around, but people tend to focus on the wrongs. Maybe it's just because nothing major has happened to me yet to make me think otherwise. I've just always relied on people's kindness, and I think to an extent, you get what you put out in the universe. Teehee, you get what you put out. But joking aside, I really rely on strangers navigating through this life. I always think back when I was 16, lost in Tallahassee trying to find my way back to the FSU campus. I was waving people down (back when I didn't know what the hitchhiking sign was) but eventually just came up to one car and took my chances. Knocking on the poor guy's window, asking him if he can take me to FSU since I can't find my way around and I needed to be back in 15 minutes or I won't graduate from the Boys State program. He did gave me ride, and eventhough I took his name down, didn't really get to send him a thank you note or anything. That has been five years ago, and since then I've done the same. I've given rides to folks, a woman who I gave a ride since it'll be pointless waiting for the bus for like half an hour, a couple who managed the Bailey and Barnum circus who bought an LCD TV and instead of having to walk a mile or two to get to their train right next to the train station. The guy actually told me to give them a call and offered to tour me around, show me the animals, and get me in to the show for free. Did I go? No. But regardless, doing these things really doesn't take much out of one's time. I just try do my part when I see someone who needs a little help, remembering what it was like when I was in their shoes, that it was a random act of a stranger that made all the difference, whether they realize it or not.

 

And I was just writing about the weekend. Went a little off but after talking with J- for a few hours, I had to make my way back. He told me not to write about what happened next when we were by our cars shooting the breeze. A bird did a kamikaze attack on him. He's giving me a hard time over something, and out of nowhere you just see this mass just fall right on his forehead. That was the funniest thing, seeing the whole thing unfold.

 

I made it home 3 1/2 hours later. Got showered, tried shaving and messed up my moustache, I shaved off a bit more than I intended making it look like a triangle. So just shaved it all off, it feels weird not having it since I look different. A little bit later, after watching Planet Earth, I got the urge to shave my hair so now I'm bald again, or skinhead a better term.

No, I don't think that song was about me Carly

I'm just on my lunch break and got about 20 more minutes before I go back. I'm halfway done thank goodness. It's been a good few days. Last Thursday, I actually went to the local community college and took the placement exam for English and Math. I did really well, eventhough I've been out of school for about five years. It's crazy to think that it's been that long since I was in school. I signed up for some courses when I was in Japan, but dropped most of them due to different things. Lack of motivation, wanting to work part-time instead, etc. Sometimes it feels like I wasted like those years of not taking any classes, but ah well, that's the past and nothing I can do about it.

 

I'm getting excited about going to school again though right now, I'm just gonna be taking Distance Learning courses since I'm going to pick up my mom in the West Coast this summer when she moves here. Gives me an excuse to go back to Cali again though I'll have her fly to SoCal since my dad is in the Bay area and I'd rather keep them apart. Not that there's bad blood between them, though I think they've pretty much stopped talking to each other for a few years now. I was pretty much their link, and with me not living with either one of them, there's really no reason for them to call each other up. I'm gonna sign up for a full load so it can give me a good feel of how it'll feel like going to school full time. It'll run for four months so it shouldn't be too hard, just need to balance all my courses. I'm signing up for Math, History, and a Computer class and this other thing they require all students to take, a developmental course. I'm gonna have to pay out-of-state rate though so will see how much the financial aid will cover. It's just insane, how much they charge if you're not a state resident. Mostly been working on school last week, well figuring out which ones to take since some I know I'd rather take in a traditional classroom. I enjoy the interaction with the teacher.. even more if they're cute.

 

I pretty much stayed in this weekend and watched a bunch of movies. I was gonna try to make it to the Cherry Blossom Parade but woke up at 10:30, and found out the parade started at 10. I just watched it on the television while I stayed in bed, bundled in my comforter. It was cold and windy, and it's hard for me to go out and about when it's like that. I'd rather stay in and do nothing. Watched The Prestige, Absolutely Fabulous, and finished the rest of Volver. It was freaking me out a bit with the "ghost" and what not, though it all made sense after seeing more of the movie. I cried watching it, though laughed at me while doing so. I find it funny sometimes how I can bawl over a movie though one time when I was younger, my cousins and my neighbor made fun when they saw me crying while watching a show. I got so angry, I went upstairs, cursing them out aloud. To think I usually didn't curse when I was younger....not that I do now.

 

I'm going out on jobs this week once again and will try my best to not let things get to me. There's this one lady that I spoke with ( I forgot her name again) and she asked me how I've been, etc. She was out of the office all last week since her grandbaby was sick, but I would not have known since I was manning the phones all last week. She commented on how her grandbaby was like me since he was a happy baby. How my "kind"  might have all the problem in the world but you won't be able to tell since we always have a smile on our face. It is true though since when I was in the mil, I can be close to breaking down yet still smiled to everybody. Not that it's bad since it got my superiors to do things in my favor when I needed their help, and all because I always had a smile on my face. I really don't think about it much, let alone my smile, but I've gotten comments about it. I had some faculty sign my yearbook and one said that my smile will stay with her forever. The lady this morning, she said that my smile was a boost for her everyday which was something my NJROTC commander wrote as well. Dunno, I didn't t know quite how to take it being told that in person. I said thanks shyly, then just smiled averting her gaze. Ah well, it just got me thinking a little. It felt good getting told that though I'm not one to give out compliments. Just never been my thing since if I do, I tend to get all emotional haha. Though I try it here and there with strangers, and I can only hope it was a boost for them in some way. It is for me sometimes, but it doesn't stick. Well, maybe to a point it does since I've come to accept myself just the way I am.

 

Well, got to get back out on the floor. I think eventhough I don't give out compliments as much, the most I can do is love someone. That amounts to something, doesn't it?  Just thinking outloud, parts of this might not make sense to anyone but me.

Soulwax

I feel sleepy right now after not getting home until about 2:00 am after seeing Soulwax perform last night. I didn't think I'd ever dance sober at a club but I did. I was gonna leave around 12:30 since that was when their set was over, but lingered around. And before ya know it, an hour passed. It was sooo worth it, and to imagine I almost didn't go since I was feeling lazy hahaha.

 

Thanks Rob! I would not have known who they were otherwise.

 

 

Nothing in my way...

It's a title of one of Keane's song since I can't come up with one right now. It's not really an uplifting song if you see the words  but the rhythm is just amazing I can't help not to grin when I was listening to it the other day. I had to make my way to a part of DC I've never gone to before to pick up the tickets for a Keane show next month. Did I tell you I'm excited? I found out they were playing here three days after the tickets went on sale and of course, it was all sold out. I found a bunch of folks selling theirs on craigslist though some cost twice as much as it would have been otherwise. It doesn't leave me much choice and after debating over it, I'm still going *grins  Who knows when I'll get a chance to see them again....

 

I had a volunteer work to do again but that wasn't til 7 pm. I just walked around again and sat by the Dupont Circle just watching people pass by, looking at their clothes mostly. Just  getting ideas. Speaking of clothes, why do people go to the gym wearing jeans and leather shoes? That's such an odd thing to see. Ah well, I guess they still go so that counts for something. Last week was a first where I went six days straight so yay. Instead of stopping by the house to get changed, I just put my clothes in the car and go straight to the gym after leaving the train station. Saves me some time I suppose, though I usually just sit and do nothing when I have the time. My ex-military buddies laughed when I told them about 'me' time at one point. It's something I've been doing since I was younger. If I have to go somewhere, I can't just wake up, shower and leave.I usually get up an hour or two before I leave, giving me time to just sit and lay there. Conserving my energy, as I used to tell my mom.

 

The volunteering went fine. It was at the food bank once again, though it was more people than usual so the hour just flew by. We pretty much pick out what they want and bag it for them, so it kinda feels like I'm a shopper for other folks. It is good though I might take a break from doing it since it's in DC and it takes me about an hour to get home once it's done with. It starts at 7, and I get off at 3:30 so really can't go home since the traffic is insane if I do choose to drive on my way to the food bank. One of the guys I ended up talking with on the way back to the train station so that was nice. Oh before the shift started, I went to McDonald's and grabbed a Big Mac Meal though had to rush eating since I had like 10 minutes to finish up. I just overheard a woman and I can't help not to laugh when she told her friend how she stutters when she gets excited. It just put a picture in my head though some folks who might have seen me just thought Why is this kid laughing by himself? Been doing that more in the metro too but that's because of My Name Is Earl. I've downloaded the first season in my iPod and watch it on my 15-min commute. His brother's just hilarious. The things he says....  "Yeah I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, becuz we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead..."  It definitely is though at one point...

 

Going back to Monday this week, I'm not sure what happened but this "good feeling" just came over me when I was in the kitchen. I was getting pissed since my roommate didn't do his dishes again. A little after, the feeling was there and the annoyance just went away. I dunno if having gone to the gym might have done that, but I went back to my room smiling and everything. I got close to calling people to say hi but opted not to. Call and tell them I thought about them? Nah, I've cut back doing that. It works two ways but sometimes it's frustrating having to always reach out. I wonder if that's one of my role, doing that just because with no rhyme or reason. But then, it's to my benefit I suppose. I'm the one who feels good having done so.  I just got online and talked to a few folks at least, while having a beer. My friend I was texting told me I was the pissiest guy he knows. I seriously have to use the bathroom every so often when I drink, reason why I don't get drunk too easy. My system flushes it all right out.

 

Aside from that, it's been quiet but good. I spoke to the family few days ago since it was my aunt's birthday. The line was busy so I ended up calling my mom and using up all the damn phone card. Haha, it's all good though. A ten-minute call ended up being an hour long. I was just checking with her to find out a possible date for her to fly. I didn't realize she's only leaving after the one-year anniv of my cousin's death. He was her favorite and she was his. I think about him from time to time and whenever I see his pictures, I can't help not to get sad. He's only 30, but then he kinda brought it upon himself, drinking pretty much everyday. You'd think, with having his mom and dad and a brother and sister, he'd be on a straight path but that wasn't the case. He had everything growing up but things happened and he just gave up on life. He got conned about going abroad few years. I'm not sure what the gist of it was, but I don't know about having that dream, to go abroad. Dunno, maybe I'm taking being "abroad" for granted but eventhough I was mixed American, it wasn't my dream to come here. To an extent maybe, but that was only to meet my dad which as some of you are aware I didn't see 'til I was 16. But before that, I wasn't really wishing to move to the U.S. It'll be brought up sometimes by people, since they wonder why I'm not with my own kind.

 

I just wasn't much of a dreamer, I suppose which can be good and bad. Even my mom, she pretty much dreamed about coming to the U.S. all her life and now it's finally happening. From there, what happens next? It might not sound like it, but I'm glad that that's over. It took two years to get it all taken care of, and she was telling me how people were amazed that I petitioned her in such a young age. Most people wait until they're established in the US before petitioning their parents while I did it as soon as I'm able to. They were getting on my nerves about it so soon as I turned 21, filed in the paperwork. I wanted to get it over with also since ya know, it would gnaw me if I didn't. It's family.. The ones who did abroad did the same and pretty much supported me so my way of showing payback maybe? Way to show them all they did wasn't in vain. They're great, though we don't get along sometimes, well they don't at least haha, I stay out of it all. My mom told me that when things happen, the rest of the family told her not to let me know about it. I still find out though, I have my way with making my mom talk. She tells me that they're scared that I'll get mad, coz it's rare that I do. They know that if that happens, it'll be different from then on. Knowing I have this power over them, tsk tsk. Oh dear, I'm starting to sound evil. Well time to go. Until next time...

I got keaned

Yay, I got ahold of some tickets for Keane's show next month. I am soooo excited. I had to buy two tickets though since the guy won't sell me just one. So now, I gotta find someone to go somewhere only we know....

Not sure really.

I'm just on my lunch break right now and thought I'd just write a little something. It's crazy that I haven't written this long. I've had so much stuff in my mind, yet really haven't taken down my thoughts to try and sort 'em out.

 

It's been pretty good. I've just been staying home mostly on the weekends, and taking a break from going out. Just staying up late watching movies, or tinkering around in my room, and sleeping in and waking up when I wake up. Last week was just crazy at work. I mostly did Tier II stuff which is when we go on people's offices and try to fix their computer problem. I did it for the whole week, and at the beginning it was great, though midway through I let things get to me when I shouldn't have. That whole "taking nothing personally" is hard sometimes, as much as I try not to. Eventhough it's not my fault when people have computer problem, it makes it worse when they try to blame it all on me. Regardless, that's the past. It felt like some people were out to get me, and I'll admit it angered me so much that I left work one day with all these feelings inside. I just about cried when I was in the Metro, and praying for just something good at that moment to happen. I got close to calling E- and asking him if I can see him at least, thinking that doing that can me lift me up from the low I was feeling.

 

I'm a lot better now over what happened between me and him. I think it got to me without realizing it so much. The week that he 'broke it off,' I was just different my coworkers told me. I'm usually giddy at work so to not goof around, and just keeping to myself, it worried them a little. One woman commented how she hopes the Kris she knows come back to work come Monday since they kinda missed him. That kinda made me smile but of course, I had to go through what I went through. I usually shut the world out when I'm dealing with things. That's just my way I suppose. I know how talking it out helps, but I still can't get myself to do that. I'd write about it sometimes, though there are times when I don't do that either. This is pretty much all I have as far as an outlet. I don't keep diary at home, I usually read to help make me feel better. Knowing that others go through the same things I have makes me feel better about things, coz I really did think I was the only one at one point in my life.

 

Well last Monday, I did volunteer at a Food Bank. It was okay, it's like shopping for someone. It was only an hour though I wanted to write about what happened earlier. I do enjoy getting to meet people with my job since I go to their offices, and troubleshoot sometimes. Some woman I helped out months ago, I ended up stopping by her office since I was at her boss' moments ago. I was saying hi, though ended up talking with her for a good half an hour about things. About school, volunteering, and a little bit about my life and hers. We kinda got to talking about my job, and I was telling her how my heart may not really be into it. I told her that I'm considering switching to the medical field though not really sure about starting all over again. Learning from scratch, having a new beginning. She was a nurse's aide and she told me how it fulfilling it was. I told her that I wanna get more of that from what I do, and the IT field doesn't seem to be doing that for me. She said to just try it and see what I'll think of it. If not, I have IT to fall back on. Towards the end, she had me put my hands on her bible and prayed for me. It was a bit weird for a moment, but the feeling went away, and I was touched by what she did. She prayed to God to help a young man figure out what his path in his life is, and have the courage to take that step, and for God to guide in whatever it is I'll do. I got close to crying but held it back, since it might be too much for her ya know? A young man crying in her office.  I just did it silently in my heart, though of course I said it out loud when I thanked her for the prayer and the conversation.

 

One thing I like about this job. Another lady even promised me that she'll give me a picture of her grandson, and she's someone I just chit chat with briefly. I'm sure they can see the shift, when they passed me by that week, and I can't even force myself to smile, just keeping my head down instead. I have to feel what I'm feeling, and I know I should leave things behind when I go to work and vice versa, but it's not always that easy. I got on the elevator one day on my not so good day, and the woman that prayed for me was there too. I didn't even say hi to her, but the day after, I ran into her. I was better, and she commented how it looked like something was weighing me down. I just smiled at her, and that said it all.

 

That Monday was crazy. I meant to write about it that same day, but was too tired after getting home like 9 pm. I ended up talking to a homeless lady the whole time I was eating at a Thai restaurant. It was a nice day, and I was just walking around killing time until I do the volunteer thing at 7. It's close to Dupont Circle, and I had a craving for the food I usually get so I went to the restaurant. It's cheap and good, Chicken Pad Thai and I downed it down with Kirin beer. Yummy.

 

I was passing by the Thai place, debating whether to stop there or not for a meal. As I was walking by, a lady asked me if I had a change, and I just said no. After like five steps, whoever was in my brain, hey spare her a dollar. So I turned back around and handed one to her, though she saw more greens and asked if I can give another one. Oh lord, I thought to myself. But I did anyways, and that's when it dawned on me to just eat at the Thai place since I was craving for it, and you always give in to cravings, right? I ended up sitting by the window, enjoying my meal and just watching people passing by. The bag lady (I didn't get her name) sat like six feet away from me and talked to me pretty much throughout my dinner. She cracks me up. She told me about things, how the Dupont area was back in the day, she was telling me about her childhood since she was like, I wasn't born homeless you know... I just smiled mostly and only spoke when she asks me questions. I misheard her when she asked me how long I've been living the life. I said since I was a baby. You've been gay since you were a baby!!? I just laughed but I told her I kinda knew since I was younger. I said I just sorta came out after getting out of the mil and all. I ended up telling her I was born in the Philippines, and she was "Yea, you got the chinky eyes!! and just started laughing. I almost choked from laughing because of her. I eventually had to go though and told her it was nice meeting her.

 

Just wanted to remember this day.

Don't Ask Why

Came across this other great song from the Fallwerks 2006 CD sampler I got. I do tend to get too tough on myself sometimes, but it's a good reminder.

 

You was born the true pretender
Going through your life thinking you must be the only one
But I've seen so many like you
Take my word for it, they feel the same, they feel the same

[Chorus]
So take my hand and I'll lead you back on to the other side
Get yourself into a better place and lift your life
Hold your head up high and don't rely on anyone else
Make it easier on yourself and don't ask why

Well, there have been so many changes
Flowing through your life but you learn to look the other way
But I know that there's a better way
Take my word for it you'll feel the same, you'll feel the same

[Chorus]
So take my hand and I'll lead you back on to the other side
Get yourself into a better place and lift your life
Hold your head up high and don't rely on anyone else
Make it easier on yourself and don't ask why

The earth puts forth a new life again
Green grasses grow and flowers lift their heads
And over all the plain wonder speads of life (of life)

(So) hold your head up high, on the other side
(So) hold your head up high, on the other side
(So) hold your head up high, on the other side

 

Lyrics by:

Breaks Co-op
 

Tell me life is beautiful

The day I made this video, some guy I was supposed to meet stood me up and eventhough you try not to let those things get to you sometimes, you can't help it. It bruised my ego a little but sometimes, I try not to let things get to me since like from the some books I've read, it told me not take anything personally. Sometimes, people do or say things that hurt us to an extent but we have to remember it has nothing to do with us.

Anyways, I just laugh about that day now when I think about it. I make little videos sometimes to, I don't know, remind myself of a certain day or time in my life. Like this video, I made me it when I was feeling down, and it helped cheer me up. Sometimes, we just need to do things, no matter how small they are, to get us out of the dumps. A little dancing or singing, reading comics like Snoopy or Dilbert, eating a bowl of ice cream, it doesn't matter. But sometimes, there are days when you can't do anything but just ride through the emotions. I was going through stuff the other day and could barely break out a smile, yet somehow people I came across were all trying to make me smile or laugh. Did I pay attention? Of course, not. I think that was a way life's telling me to be happy coz we really ought to be.

Pardon the actual singing in some parts but I'm sure you all do it too. I don't have a Mac to do all that fancy editing. Maybe I'd be happy if I got one. Just kidding..Hoping everyone a great day and the weekend ahead *smile

A weekend friendship

Going back to Friday before last, P- and I made plans to meet up but I had a feeling it wasn't gonna happen. That was the day that the funeral was going to be held and I knew that he was gonna be tied up eventhough it wasn't a member of his family. I think I just did laundry and watched tv or movies, I don't remember now.

Saturday, just ran some errands and hang around the house mostly. It was my lazy day since I really didn't feel like going out either. Though I think P- called and ended up just leaving a message. I called him back not 'til later in the evening and just chatted briefly since they were out and about in the city. Agreed to speak with him tomorrow and see if we can at least hang out since it's his last day in DC.

I didn't fall asleep 'til about 5 am so I woke up around 11 am. Did I go to the gym on the weekend? Absolutely not, eventhough I was "supposed to." It's funny how I still think it's taking away some "me" time when I go to the gym. I used to go to Waffle House on a Sunday and just have a full breakfast, sunny side up eggs, toast, waffles and hot cocoa.. Mann, it is goood! Well I looked up where the closest one can be, and much to my dismay, the nearest one was 20 miles away. I'm a man who loves the Waffle House, but i really didn't feel like driving 40 minutes that day to just get some waffles since I sure would be hungry by the time I get back. There was an IHop a mile away so figured I'll go to that one instead. After I got on my car, phone rang and it was P- asking what I was doing. Told him how I was wanting waffles that day, etc though I really didn't ask him if he'd want to tag along since he's like 30 mins away. During the course of the convo, we ended up agreeing of just meeting in the Dupont area and find a waffle place.

I drove to DC, during which I was really hungry. However, I have a stash of Chips Ahoy in my car so that staved off the hunger for a bit. It was such a lovely day. The sun is out shining, though the wind's blowing a bit strong. What a waste of driving time if I don't sing along to some songs. So put on the Fever album by Kylie, and I was jamming. It's a great pop album eventhough it's been five years since it came out. I was joining the Air Force at that time. Her CD was the first thing I heard in the morning since it was my alarm. Here's that song Fragile since I know someONE has never listened to Kylie. Give it a listen ok? I'm a sucker for pop, well pretty much Kylie or the Spice Girls, choreographies and everything. Of course, i cringe when the family teases me about dancing around to the Spice Girls back in the days. I'm kinda embarrassed sometimes to think I even danced in class and that's what some people remember the most in my sophomore year.

Got to DC though ended up not meeting with P- and the other guy 'til about an hour and a half after the agreed time. I was so hungry I stopped by Krispy Kreme and got some glazed donuts which is H-E-A-V-E-N. I didn't tell P- though 'til later on though. After finally meeting, we walked around the Dupont Circle and settled at a Thai place. The food was great, and the prices are reasonable that I came back the next day and ate the exact same thing :D It was nice, just sitting there talking and laughing, well they mostly did the talking. I didn't realize I was being quiet but apparently I was a little bit. But then, that's not always the case. I can be talkative in some times but I guess it just depends on who I'm with. I just thought about it since some guy at the bar a day later made the same comment how I'm so quiet. I tend to be I think in a group setting. Even if it's just three, it can be too much sometimes which I don't like by the way, since it's an odd number. Someone's bound to feel left out, that's how I feel! But then, it's usually me haha. My friends used to tell me not to think I'm a third wheel when they take me with them like if one of them is meeting his gf. Sooo getting back to the restaurant, oh I remember the other guy's middle name at least. I have a Lee t-shirt and he was talking about wanting to get one since that's his middle name. It is a nice t-shirt though I think it was what gave me away to my brother last year. The way I dress was brought up when we had a conversation about me being gay. Did I ever tell ya guys he knows now? Has since that reunion last year. It was a fun time, tricking P- into eating wasabi all by itself. Me and Lee had a kick out of that one. Lee was a cool guy when he's sober.

After having our meal at the Thai place, we made our way to starbucks to warm up a little since it was cold eventhough it was sunny. I was wearing a spring jacket which didn't help much but hey, I like that jacket. I didn't think I'll ever get a military-inspired one and yet here I am. It's starting to become a favorite of mine. Still second to this one. Pardon that it's almost too close to my face. That was my mom's last day in Japan (T_T) I'm gonna have to write down the message on the jacket since it is what kinda won me over.

We made our way out to Georgetown and ended up watching I Think I Love My Wife which I surprisingly liked. It is funny after all, eventhough I didn't like it seeing the previews for it. P- was paying for the movie so I didn't mind. After the movie ended, we dropped Lee off since he was going to go meet up with a friend for drinks. I told P- I'd probably make my way back to the house after that but that didn't happen. He asked me if I wouldn't mind staying for a little bit longer and check out the party he was invited to. My inside is screaming NO since groups exhaust me sometimes, but figured what the heck, just go and break out of the shell Kris. Which I did, though it really wasn't a party. It was some group get-together at some bars. Went to the first one, but everybody has left for the second one. Went to the second one, meh it was okay though I'm not making my way back out there again. Pretty much just spent the hour kinda talking to P-, or if not that, just stand by the wall while he dances around. I get too self-conscious in gay bars or gay clubs sometimes but ah well, I just really didn't feel like dancing.

It was a good weekend overall. It was nice meeting good folks like those two at a bar. A bar I would not have gone to if I wasn't feeling a bit down after E-. I haven't spoken to P- since he left though he has sent me an e-mail and left a voicemail over the weekend. He told me he gets busy during the week so I'll wait until this weekend to give him a call. It's good to make new friends, eventhough he's from out of town. It's a progress, soon enough I'll make some local ones which will definitely be nicer in experiencing this town.

I need to get to sleep, four and a half hours and gotta get up again. I don't know why I do this. I had plenty of time to rest, yet going to bed just now. Does this make me a night owl?

He made me smile

Ok, spoke with E- just an hour ago and we won't be seeing each other any longer. Yeouch! It hasn't sunk in yet but during our phone conversation, I was just silent throughout and listened to what he had to say. Due to circumstances on his side, he felt it'll be best to not see me again. Granted, we've only gotten together twice but it was good. That's a first I felt my heart taking it's time beating while I was hearing E-'s words. I was all giddy calling him up and to hear those words after so much anticipation, one can't help not to feel in slow motion. It's a weird feeling but right now, I'm okay. I'll miss seeing him smile, I'll miss tiptoeing so I can kiss him, and I'll miss brushing my fingers through his eyebrows. Yeah, I think I'll miss the boy.

Different faces, the same old town

Most folks I've hang out with are all from out of town. It's a bit odd how Thursday, I was feeling a bit down like I did the week before and all because E- didn't call. Wednesday, the 15th we were supposed to have dinner or something, I'm not even sure anymore but come Thursday, I didn't want to be home so I e-mailed this one guy about possibly volunteering at their organization. At first, he said it was all filled in but ended up telling me to come by arund 6:45 pm. I ended up leaving work later than usual after getting tied up with a user's problem but it was my running day, and I didn't want to skip so I went home instead of just hangingn around DC until then.

It was raining, and for the life of me I don't know why I didn't leave about an hour I was supposed to show rather than 30 mins prior which I did. Come 6:30 and I'm just barely making my way in to DC, and I didn't have the guy's phone number so really can't call him and tell him I won't make it. Well, I got close to where I needed to be, but since my shift was ending in 15 mins, I decided to just make the best of the night and go to happy hour instead. Drove around the Dupont Circle trying to find a parking spot, and I found one though the bar I was planning to go to was about eight blocks away. I got to the bar, and it didn't look like it was open and I was a bit disappointed because of it. Well, it LOOKED like it was close but upon coming up to the door, and giving it a pull, lo and behold there were people inside. Granted I was nervous, but not enough to stop me from drinking. Just enough drinks so I won't think about E-.

So just sat by the bar, and ordered some drinks, singing along to the music videos playing. It felt a bit weird being there by myself, ok, lonely's the more approriate term, but what can a new guy in town really do, ya know? After being there for I think 20-30 minutes, this one guy came up to me and told me how his friend kinda fancied me and how I should join them instead of sitting there all by myself. I was having second thoughts about it, but figured what am I really gonna lose having a drink with them. I pretty much scooted just two stools over and chatted with them. I didn't like the one who wanted to talk to me. He had a bit of a drink and was a bit obnoxious. It made it worse when he told me how he was still trying to make his mind up about me, as if that's gonna make my evening complete if I find out that he did like me. I shrugged off his comment, and just talked to the one that came up to me, P-. We hit it off better, just talking about things, where he grew up, where he's living now, where he went to school, etc. He doesn't actually live here in DC, he lives back in Chicago but came here for his brother's sister-in-law's funeral. He just flew in earlier that day. Ok, it's only been a week and I can't remember the other guy's name anymore, the obnoxious one which is actually pleasant and has a good sense of humor when he's sober.

I ended up talking to P- most of the night, but I really couldn't stay out long with it being a work night and all. Well and the happy hour ended at 9. I told them that I'm probably gonna head out in a moment, and P- asked if I wouldn't mind stopping at this other bar for a little bit before making my way home. I told him I'm not too sure about that, but ended up going anyways. I might not even see him again so just be in it for the experience. We made our way to the second bar but I didn't get any more drinks since I'm gonna have to drive home soon. Just talked some more to P- and later on ended up dialing my phone number on his cell without him knowing. I was feeling a bit bold that evening, and I remember thinking, how we're getting along okay. Pretty soon, we had to go however since his sister and niece were at the bus station in Silver Spring and he would have to pick them up. The other guy was MIA so we made our way downstairs and said our goodbyes, well tried to. We ended up kissing, but not for long since I was insisting he leave so his sister won't be waiting on him for a long time. He was parked just down the road, so I told him to just go and I'll walk to mine which was on the other side of the circle. He wanted to drop me off by my car, but I told him don't worry about it since it's not too far. Well that and I wasn't too sure where I parked either hahaha. All I remember was a church I passed by when I was walking but that's it. I still get confused with the streets.

It was drizzling so I told him fine, he can give me a ride. He sorta forgot where he parked so we were walking around the block with him trying to remember his spot. Just chit-chatted a bit more, and he was telling me how it was good meeting me and such. Instead of saying good meeting him too, I blurted out "Yea, I know." He just started laughing and kidded how I'm so full of myself. I seriously have no idea where that yea i know came from but ah well.

We finally found his car, though it took us 15 mins trying to find mine however. I felt bad since his sister had to wait even longer, but he wouldn't let me get out of the car and just walk around to find mine. He was saying how it wasn't fair, and I just uttered Oh brotherrrr. We finally found my car, so said our goodbye's and how we might see each other later. He wanted to hang out the next day but I knew better that it probably wouldn't happen.

Glad that it's over

Called my mom up since she had her interview at the U.S. Embassy yesterday. She said it lasted a few hours at least, and they were asking too many questions about me. Good news is that she's approved and she'll just have to wait for them to send her passport back. I'm really glad that that process is over at least, and she'll finally get to come. I'm happy about it, though I think it's more of a relief of not having to support them and all. She was telling me how the interviewer was commenting how I was a good son, and all though I kept telling my mom to shut up (in a nice way). I dunno, with me pretty much providing for them this past four years, she keeps thanking me and saying how I'm a good son. Yea, okay I just tell her but thinking yea, like I really have a choice about sending you money every month. Well, I do but it's one of those things I suppose where you really don't want to, but you do anyways. Love? Guilt? I'm not sure sometimes. Eventhough she'll be getting her visa later on this month, she's not gonna leave for the US until early summer after my grandpa's one year death anniversary. I'll write more later on the day since I'm my lunch is just about ever. Just some things that happened. Good things, getting to meet an internet friend I had when I was living in Japan, hanging out with some random guys from the bar, getting to see E- again, bar hopping on a weekday :-) That's two weeks straight where I went for happy hour, it's all goood though. Can't wait to go home and get more sleep. I only slept two hours and maybe should have just called in. Ah well, two hours to go. This feels weird writing this short, this isn't like me but then, who knows how I'll be at any given time.

Potatoe...

I seriously had a brain fart on Thursday when I was volunteering. I signed up to help at the Food and Friends which turned out gooood. I had time to kill since I didn't have to show up until 6, and I get off at 3:30. I just walked around Chinatown for a bit since that was where I was gonna make a transfer to get to where I needed to go. It was actually fun. It lasted for two hours and I helped out in the kitchen cutting up vegetables...celery, peppers, and potatoes. The chef actually showed us a way of cutting up the peppers if you don't want the seeds of it. You cut the top just right before you get to the seeds, then do the same to the sides and to the bottom. Then after that, slice up the pepper however you'd want it.

It was a GLBT volunteer organization I was with and at least it was all guys these time. I thought one was cute but I really didn't get to talk to him since he was in the other table. But then, I really didn't talk much to the guys I was with either. They'd ask questions here and there but as far as contributing to the convo, I didn't say much. I don't do well with group conversations. Towards the end, as we're putting the chopped vegetables away, we were supposed to label it with the date they were cut up and what kind they were. I did the pepper earlier so told the group I'd do the same though as I was getting ready to write down the name, I forgot for a second how to spell potato. I was quiet for a second, but ended up asking the guys how to spell it since one of them was an English teacher. They just started laughing. I didn't talk much yet had them laughing in a few words *grins. Now, they'll remember me as the guy who can't spell since one commented how I'm cute but not a good speller. I can be funny without trying so guess that's a good thing at least. People I've met for the first time tell me I'm funny and that's when I'm not even joking around. Even a personal trainer told me I am funny when I was just lifting in front of her pssshhht..

So that, I got home around 9 and stayed up 'til about 11. Got online for a bit though I haven't gone to any personals and chat but tonight was different. Put my picture up and talked to maybe three people. I don't initiate conversations either since it'll go down the drain, it just does for some reason when I private someone so I just don't. I haven't been getting on like I used to but I get too bored sometimes. Bored where reading a book or watching a movie wouldn't fix. I met up with one Friday eventhough I was planning to go out to the club again. Hang out with him for a few hours. It was nice, we actually had things to talk about and the night prior when we spoke for the first time, there wasn't a moment of silence so that's a good thing. He'll just be in the area 'til next month though but heh, I don't wanna look that far. I'll just take it for what it is and enjoy whatever time we have. E- lives a few states away and working here in the area for a bit.

On the weekend, I ended up going to the mall both days. I wasn't planning to on Sunday but I lost a little notebook I've had for the past four years. It has addresses, phone numbers, just random things that really wouldn't matter to anyone but me, well except for my bank account hahaha I'm glad I got it back though.

I managed to catch a cold yet again so haven't been feeling too good until now. I think it was getting me down somehow and today's been a better day than the past two, that's for sure. I woke up and was even singing getting dressed. Well that's because I got to talk to E- last night too. I didn't call him 'til just last night and was getting all worried.. Mann, the thoughts that goes through one's head sometimes. Why hasn't he called!? Didn't he like me like he said he did!? And to think, I've only seen him once...

After getting off work yesterday, I went to the cemetery as well for a little bit. Yea, so gothic of me like my friend said it. He said it probably won't be such a good idea to go to one to help cheer me up. I think it did me good though, I just went straight for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington Cemetery and hang around for an hour or so. Just sitting there, paying respect and trying my best to shift the focus in something outside myself. A reminder that it's not always about me since sometimes I do forget that it's not.

I felt like dancin, dancin!

I finally got to see a 'concert' for the first time. I found out last week that Scissor Sisters were playing here in D.C. over the weekend. Of course, it was sold out since the tickets have probably been on sale for a few weeks, or maybe months in advance. I really wanted to go since Rey has seen them sometime last year and mentioned how good their show was.

I looked around in Craigslist and found someone who was selling his tickets, for a price I came to find out later on was twice as much. It was sooo worth it, their show was just energetic and had me dancing and singing along, eventhough I wasn't drunk anymore. I just sang along to songs from their first CD since I really haven't listened to their new one. I've known about them for maybe two and a half years now, and listened to them just about daily when my mom was in Japan. I had a 10-minute commute to work since I pretty much lived right outside the base, and every morning on my way to work, would play It Can't Come Quickly Enough. I played Take Your Mama, of course to my mom, tryna tell her that you know, but yea she probably thought I was joking. I even have a vid singing along to it while taking a break from cleaning while she filmed me. I can probably share some with me and her just goofing off, but then just random strangers would see them, what to do, what to do. I sure miss her sometimes but she doesn't need to know that. I don't even remember where I got it from, but I called her filthy whore as a term of endearment. And I used to go around the house and say in deep voice "Gusto ko babae!" (I want a woman!) but yea, she just laughs since she know what's up. I'm just sitting here smiling, remembering.

Her interview is in two weeks by the way, though once approved, she'll wait 'til after my grandad's one-year death anniversary before she leaves. Such a devotion to her parents. I think I take after her traits more than I admit, she's the one who remembers all the birthdays, the important 'dates' which I do too but silently in my heart and mind. I tend to think back, and say this time many years ago, this or that happened. I'd treat myself to a little something, like on the day I joined the military, I used to go to a restaurant and treat myself to a good meal. Getting back to the show....

I'm really glad I came eventhough I went by myself. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but I can't help it sometimes when I long for even just a friend to go with. It's odd though, after the show I was gonna meet up with a guy and his girl friend but once the show ended, I bolted right out and made my way home. That was my main thing this weekend. I actually was meaning to go out Friday night but changed after I found out about the show. I went to see a late showing of Reno 911 with Ch-, and just dropped him off since he wasn't feeling well. I texted him to see how he was, but oh well, haven't heard back since Sunday. Maybe we can just be friends. I guess I just find it refreshing meeting someone my age after meeting older guys mostly the past few years, from five years older to twenty-one years even haha. I go through phases though, I'd go on months and months and not meet guys.

I've been more active in the community as well. No, not sexually but I've started volunteering around the area. Just something to do until I start taking some classes, and maybe a way to meet folks. Find people to go hang out with, checking out museums, or catch a movie or see concerts even. I've met people since I've arrived here but kinda took a step back since it gets exhausting a bit sometimes. Meet, greet, ask each other questions, do it all over. It takes work but I'll get on it again. I try to go out more as well, maybe hit the bars or something. I've never gone to one during a happy hour so kinda curious to see what that's like. Tomorrow, there's actually a social to go ice skating. I'll sleep through and give it some thought since there will be about 60 people going. It's funny, if it was my cousin, I would have told her to go since she needs to meet people and here I am not taking heed to my own advice. I've never gone ice skating so it'll be a learning experience too. Then, I can go skatin, skatin!

At the end of the sky

Came across this song after I got a free CD from a bookstore that just opened

All About My Mother

I stayed in this weekend for a change after having gone out the previous weekend. My friend P- called me to see if I wanted to go to Chaos for a little bit but I'm not in the zone so told him I'm just doing some chores for the evening. I'd still have to go eventually since there are still some places I want to check out, JR's and Apex. P- told me though that I probably wouldn't want to go to Apex by myself since it's real loud but guess will just see when the time comes, maybe this Friday night?

It's weird how now I think about what I did Friday night and can vaguely remember it. I might have watched Paranoia Agent, or When Harry Met Sally but the disc started skipping so ended up just stopping the movie which kinda sucked. You get into it, and 20-30 mins into the movie, you have no choice but to put it off since I would have missed a good portion if the movie if I would jumped to a few chapters. I've never seen the movie in its entirety before but yessss! oh yesss! I've seen what scene the movie is known for.

C- texted close to 2 am telling me to "Come to Chaos!" like I would do that, drive out 20 mins then the club closes at 3. I suppose I could have gone seen him but it's annoying how I texted the day before asking what his plans were and he didn't respond whatsoever. Oh well, it's not like I'm his boyfriend so he's free to do what pleases him, and choose to get in contact with me or not. I pretty much wanted to see Reno 911 but didn't have anybody to go with soo yea, I think that's what bummed me out a little.

I slept in Saturday and woke up around 1030. Did I go to the gym!? Of course not..The time it took me to get out of bed, I could have gone and back but it was one of those days where I kinda wanted to what I wanted, and not what I'm supposed to, per say. I'm not really supposed to anything but that's not how life works sometimes. I got out of bed around noon, and ended up buying some phone cards online so I can call my mom. Well, I bought two cards, one for my mom and one to call my aunt who's probably a bit upset with me. She called me during work hours, and I was stressing out at work and probably shouldn't have picked up my phone, but answer away I did. It was her, and after the usual hi, how you doing? she passed it on to my 5-yr old cousin which some of you had seen when I posted her picture a while ago. Err, we really can't talk to each other much since she speaks Danish and I only know to speak Tagalog and English. After she told me how she was, I didn't know what else to say so I was just quiet on the line. Half a minute or so, you just hear someone crying and my aunt was back on the phone saying that my cousin cried since Kuya Dee (Kuya = older brother) didn't want to talk to her. Great. I told my Aunt that I'll just give her a call over the weekend which I intended to do.

I digress. I called my mom eventhough I knew it was past midnight in the Philippines already. She's house-sitting in Laguna since my grandma's left for Norway in the time being trying to get some matters taken care of before she goes back to the Phil again. My mom picked up which I was kinda glad about, since she said she was just listening to the radio. It was nice getting to talk to her again. Mainly what I was calling about was about her pending immigration to the U.S. I was checking if she's made an appointment with the hospital to get her physical done and some shots. She said that the Embassy will be the ones who'll set that all up as far as what day to go to the doctor, etc. I'm relieved it's almost done since it's been two years since we submitted the paperwork.

From then on, it just kinda stemmed out into other things. We got to talking about where she's gonna stay and such. I told her that it'll be better for her to just go to Florida and stay with my aunt while she's getting aclimated with the new country she's gonna be living in. I think my aunt would prefer that as well, since she really doesn't have any other family nearby, well my uncle's family's maybe two states away but it's still not the same. My aunt, who didn't set foot in Manila until after having been gone for 15 years. I don't think I could go that long without seeing my family. I tell them that heh, I'll see you when i see you but they know better than to believe that I guess. I'm a family man by heart. You see, we're all spread out in the world. Have two aunts that live in Europe, one in Florida, and my mom and the rest of the family back in the Philippines. My dad's side of the family doesn't count since they're virtually unknown to me until about a year or so ago. Having grown up surrounded by maybe 15 people, then dwindling down to about 4, then living all by myself was a major adjustment I had to do. Boy, was it rough! Not getting the much needed hugs and kisses from the family.

Getting back to my mother, she was talking about us living together once she comes here. I jokingly told her that that's just not gonna happen. I know it sounded harsh but we kinda were in the same situation back in 2005 when I was living in Japan. It was my last year there after being stationed at the base with the Air Force. I had my mom come to Japan since that way, she can come to the US with me, without having to wait years for the petition papers. She got there around February and was gonna live there until December during which I'm getting sent back to the States, as to where, I didn't know at that time. It was great, ya know. It's finally happening, this is it!

In one of my older posts, I've talked about how it was like for me growing up. With moving to the US, it was a ticket out for a better future for myself. However, at that time I came here, it wasn't even about that. All I really cared about was to meet my dad and nothing else which I think to a certain extent limited my dreams. After that happened, I just didn't know where to go from there. I really didn't envision living in the US, prior to that, I remember talking with my friends about us living together when we go to college. Moving to the states was just a notion that was distant from me. I've sorta accepted my fate, as much as I was questioning God, and life in general, there was nothing else I could have done. Thinking how the world would have been better off without me. My mom would have gone to Japan like she said she was going to before having met my dad, she would have had a good life etc. I know she loves me and all but hearing that growing up, I can't help not to feel responsible for all the things that happened....good and mostly the bad stuff.

We ended up living with her parents until I was about 14. In exchange of living with them, she did mostly all the household chores, cleaning, cooking, amongst other things. Well my grandad that passed away was a merchant marchine and eventually got a Norwegian citizenship. Through that, my youngest aunt and my grandma got to move there after he retired. He went back to the Philippines, and my mom was much pretty much acting grandma at that time. She fulfilled my grandma's duties. Well not all, PERV! In exchange of that, we stayed at their house and they pretty much supported us, roof over our head, clothing, and food, something my father was supposed to provide, not even for us, but for me at least. The financial support pretty much stopped after he got out of the Navy which was 1987, four years after I was born. During that time, I was in either kindergarten or nursery, I always forget which comes first. Ok, this is something I was let on way later. After my class, I remember me and my mom usually going to a church nearby the school. Ok, she told me that the reason that we went there was that so we wouldn't spend that much time in the house. Thing is some of the family is ashamed of her for having a son out of wedlock, let alone with a foreigner. I'm glad to an extent that I knew who my father was, coz there were some amerasian kids who didn't know their father at all. All their mom knew was the guy's first name and nothing else. My parents did live together and what not, so I can say that there was love between them. I've heard the stories and seen the pictures.

My dad and my stepmom visited around 1986 and that was pretty much the last I saw of him. Of course, just being two I don't remember any of it though funny thing is, my very first memory was with my dad at a swimming pool. They told me it was some resort around where the Navy base was that they, my mom and my aunts, met up with my dad and stepmom. After that visit, that was pretty much the last of it as far as seeing my dad. Can you see why I wanted nothing more?

Growing up, I've seen first hand the abuse my mom went through. For the life of me, I can't fathom why she just didn't up and left my grandparent's house and start over some place else. Well mostly verbal abuse from my uncle and grandpa, and a slap here and there, or a punch in the face. It was directed at my mom, they never touched me and I remember just sitting there, and thinking Why are they doing this to her? Of course, I was a child and I could not have done anything. This usually happened when those two men got drunk, they'd barge in the house 2, 3 in the morning just screaming. I think that's why I'm too jumpy up to this day. At times, we'd sneak out of the back door and head over to a neighbor's house or to a nearby relatives'. Then, tip toeing around 6 in the morning so I can get ready for school. I can laugh about it but now, but I remember us getting chased down in the street, and taking refuge in a neighbor's house. They are one of our close friends few doors down, and me and my mom would be hiding behind the front door while the lady talks to my drunken grandfather telling him to let the mother and child be. This went on 'til I was about 14 when we finally moved out and got our own place but this was something to due to a different family drama. Pretty much those other times, we'd stay at a relatives' for a little while, then my mom decides to come back. One time, we finally got a place. Granted it was like 3 blocks away from the house it was our own. The conditions weren't the greatest, okay it was about 10' by 11' room which didn't have any windows whatsoever except for a square opening that really doesn't give you any view. When you peek out of it, all you can see is a canal between two houses, with rats! Hahaha, some even bigger than a kitten. Being a kid, I just laughed and got excited seeing them. Right above us, there were maybe three prostitutes that lived in that room. That's a harsh word, but they were really good people. Way I'd make money is I'd get them some bath water and they'd give me some change. Nice. This didn't last long either. My grandma went home from Norway, and after they had their talks and such, my mom and I went back to live at their house again.

If you would have passed me by, you wouldn't even know that all of these were happening. Keeping it all in, not having anybody to talk to. I questioned the existence of God (being raised Catholic). Asking him, why'd my life have to be this difficult? Why can't it be like the other's? Something simple. A home with a mother and a father, is that too much to ask? A dad who would have cared enough to visit? One can't help not to feel angry sometimes. I didn't lash out on the world. I didn't take this out on anybody, I internalized it all in, I think a little bit too much. I didn't act out and failed my classes, didn't resort to drinking or any sort of substance abuse. I did great in school, earning honors and awards, being part of quiz bee's and the school newspaper, being part of the dance company and even the junior police. To be honest, I'm not really sure who I did all those for. Maybe for my dad, getting him to acknowledge me and be told that I'm proud. Or maybe to show my family and to the other people that I did good for a fatherless child. Maybe for my mom, to show that her sacrifices weren't in vain. Or maybe I did it just because, no rhyme or reason. I'm not one who seeks out competition so that can't be 'competetiveness' either. I really could care less who the number one is.

When we talk about this, my mom would say how she's really glad I was understanding about all of these. I knew my place in the world, and I really wasn't demanding either. I knew what I can or can't have so just kept my mouth shut since I know I can't have it anyways even if I would have asked so I just didn't. Like she told me, be grateful for what you get. Through her, I saw that you can't make anyone responsible for what you want.

After having left the Philippines, I did two years of high school and joined the military two months after graduation. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do. There were different motivations as to why I did. One was to be able to help my mom out. During that time, that was really my main motivation, was to better her life. I wasn't even thinking of me. When I think back, I find it kinda odd that I was really afraid about life after high school, I joined the military instead of going to school. Guess I wanted to make money and send her some which was back then felt like the right thing to do. At first I didn't mind, but sometimes I can't help not to think how I'm a single guy, and I don't get to keep my paycheck to myself.

During these time, living alone in a foreign land, all these supressed emotions and questions crept in on me. Just being there in my room, alone in my thoughts got to be too overwhelming at times. I coped the best I could, though it probably wasn't the best way in some instances. At the time, it felt like it was the right thing to do however. I had to sort through this alone, finding the answers I need to find.

I got to hear my dad's side of the story as well. I don't even remember what his responses were, but it seemed silly sometimes. He never visited since he doesn't like to fly. I thought that was dumb, if I had a son somewhere, I sure as hell would do everything I could to see him. Or write him a letter or call him. Something to cling on to when the life gets to be too much to take. Being that far away, that's all I could really have. It's not enough to hear one say I love you, but never backing that claim up. I needed to feel it, enough to where I could believe it. Not to be left wondering whether I'm that unloveable. Of course, now I realize that that isn't true. I had love all around me but I got too busy trying to illicit those words from my dad, that I made him proud.

He and my mom actually had an agreement that I was gonna come live with him in the US when I turn six years old. My mom changed her mind since she got scared that she might not see me again. She kept me. My dad, he told me he didn't want to go and take me away from her since he didn't want me to hate him because of it. Sometimes, I get angry about all this. How different my life could have been!? Maybe a bit easier? Seeing my brother, I can't help not to wonder hey that could have been me. Going to school, taking piano lessons. I'm just jealous sometimes.

With my mom living in Japan with me, the military got us an apartment and everything. Air force is good. She got on my nerves though about her constant complaining. Food here sucks, it's too cold, I'm not eating that. It just got to me, so she ended up just going back to the Philippines. During this time, what pained me was it made me question about my decision joining the military in the first place. Her and the family won't shut up about petitioning her, and when I did, that's how she acted!? I was one angry airman. After that, it didn't feel good about helping them anymore. It felt like a burden when I know it shouldn't be. I just hated it, I'm single yet it feels like I'm married.

She complains and complains about the condition in the Philippines, but I sit there thinking, what if I didn't petition you? What then? What's gonna happen to you? It's nice to dream about going to the US, but I don't think one should just wait around for that day to happen and not do anything else. I can't help not to feel like I'm just a ticket for a better life abroad. I love her and all but still...

After this whole Japan incident, I just don't see my mom in the same light any longer. I realized that she's the one responsible for the life she had. She would say that she did it all for me which to an extent is really true. I am grateful, but with hearing that, it worries me sometimes that I'll do things out of guilt rather than love. During our conversation, she's making all these plans with me in it. I kept telling her Think about you and your husband, 'ma. I try to make her see that I'm out of the picture in a sense, that we can't go back to the days where the three of us are living in the same roof. I told her I love you, but I just don't see it happening. Please understand that I'm my own person now and things aren't like they used to. I was getting choked up since it made me want to go back to those days when all I needed was her love and believe when she says Everything's gonna be alright.

She's a great person, she gives love freely without expecting anything in return, she remembers all the important dates, she has keepsakes for special occasions. I don't think I give her enough credit sometimes, usually calling her crazy which she is. But hey, if it wasn't for crazy, here I wouldn't be.

Call me Miguel

I told my coworkers to start calling me that since another guy just started working at the Helpdesk has the same name as I do. I can't go by my last name either since another tech has a name that just sounds like it though his is -an insted of -en. These two guys I was in the same class with called me Miguel for reasons I would never know. I asked one of them, why call me that and he told me I just looked like a Miguel, like that explains it but I got used to it so maybe will start having people call me that. Or I could go with Topher but I've only been called that by one person in my lifetime.

I might have forgotten to mention that I almost got a ticket the previous weekend. I was trying to get to my M-'s hotel and I ended up making a left turn from the middle lane when I shouldn't have. The roads here can be confusing. I didn't realize there was a cop on my left side and sure enough, she got behind me in no time. That's when I realized my mistake so just went ahead and pulled over to the side of the street. Before whenever I passed by people who are stopped, I used to think sucka! Won't be doing that again! I was kinda laughing since I can't believe what was happening. She came up to by my window and asked me if I knew the reason she stopped me, and I just said, I made a left turn from the middle lane? She explained to me how I wasn't supposed to, where I could make turns from, etc and I just nodded with that what you're saying is interesting look on my face. I did know it was my fault so I know better than to stir things up with a cop. Oh no you dien't!! She ended up just giving me a warning, which I was glad about.

Aside from that, it's been quiet. Been working, then hit the gym and go home mostly. I'll admit not having friends get to me on some days, but guess I'll have to just wait and be more patient. I'm trying to find ways to meet people, will start volunteering more, and just be more outgoing, or try to. I'm kinda seeing C- but I don't know, I'd see him like every few weeks so that doesn't count. I'd seriously take friends any day over than getting into a relationship. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but friendships are longer lasting. Either way, I'm TRYING not to let it get to me. It gets frustrating sometimes but am trying not to. When it feels like I'm sinking, I just try to find ways to fight it. Like this Wednesday, the night before it was the first time I got to sleep for eight hours, and I was more tired than I have ever been. I didn't feel 'right' after I left work, and got home and showered to wash the feelings away. Didn't help much either so stepped out for a while and just caught a movie. Saw Dreamgirls since I've been meaning to see it since Christmas time with some guy. I liked it, this was the first time I watched a 'musical' at the theater. I wanted to see what the fuss was about and yes, it was a good movie indeed.

I also met someone at a bookstore. I stopped at Border's back on V-day to pass the time and a guy sat across from me and made a little conversation. At first he asked if it was my cup sitting on the table, and told him no, it wasn't. I was nibbling on my Baskin and Robbins ice cream at the time. I went to the mall after I got off work, and ended up just getting a pizza for dinner when I was supposed to be at the gym *grin I picked up this really interesting book by Osho and figured I'll just read it for a bit since I didn't want to buy it since it's not as new as it should be. He started asking about the coffee shop and I really didn't know since I've never bought anything from it, and from there, we ended up talking. Found out where he was from, were his family is, though I don't recall what exactly he did. He's 33 but I thought he was about the same age as I am. We exchanged numbers but will see, I think he's straight but regardless, that was nice getting to strike up a conversation with a stranger. When my mom used to do that, I'd stay a few feet away from her since it embarrassed me how she can get into lengthy coneversations with people we come across, in the bus, at the mall, wherever. She doesn't run out! Boy, do I miss her sometimes.

She knows about me now, I came clean this past summer though she cried a bit, not so much because of it but that I kept a part of myself hidden from her. She felt that she missed out that I haven't confided this to her the longest, about getting my heart bruised, crushes, etc. Either way, she knows now though sometimes I think she wished things were different. She mentioned that she wanted to see how her grandkids would have looked like, etc. Sometimes I wish it was too, it would have been much simpler. But it isn't and nothing can really change that.

I guess with the Aunt that I've been talking with, I have a feeling that she knows. She was telling me how this or that cousin is gay, but she loves them nonetheless. My ears got really warm after hearing that, and I think if I sensed that she knew, she probably does. She's said something to that effect before as well, that my cousin told her something about me but that it's not gonna change anything. So that, just thought about it I guess and wanted to put it down to words. Maybe I'll make that NY trip come next month, it's been almost a year since I went there for the first time and I sure do miss it.

Either way, just thinking about the family made me smile. I came across a post right before I went to bed and it made me cry and laugh thinking about what happened last summer. Guess I carried the thoughts over since it was the last thing on my mind as I went to bed. I'm glad I have them, since really sometimes, love alone is enough.

Stuck on ice

I'm now up after having slept for about four hours. I spent the night out and was close calling it a day until I got to the apartment. My car got stuck in the snow... frozen snow and I'm now waiting for the towing service to come by which from the automated message I got would be here within two hours. I messed up my front tire trying to get out of it, and I could really be pissed right now but that's not gonna do me any good, would it?

The weekend's been good otherwise. I just stayed in Friday after getting home from work. Hang around doing nothing before finally forcing myself to go to the gym. My trial period's about done so would have to go more often now that I'm a paying member. I think I lost some weight already so that's a good thing. I'm around 157 and has hovered around 165-175 the past four years. I weighed 145 lbs before joining the military and didn't realize how skinny I looked until I saw some pictures from way back when. Don't forget to bring a towel! is Towlie's advice and yet, I forgot to bring one with me. And boy did I sweat while running! I really considered just going home right after but having skipped the gym for almost a week, I chose to stay instead and do the weights as well. And man, were there some hot bods walking around. I wanted to come up to one and just start touching him. He had a nice one, body that is and maybe I'll get to that one day. I want to build a bit of muscle eventually.

Before going to the gym, I made a quick stop at the library to return some books I borrowed. I'm trying to get back to reading again, which was all I did when I was in Florida. Can't really use the net, it's called unlimited! but they didn't let us stay on it for long lord. And to think before that, I chatted just about daily after school. You pay $1 per hour in the Philippines and I'd get on and just chat away. I did enjoy talking to people from all over, with some I even corresponded with snail mails. Getting back to the library, I returned the books Whatever Makes You Happy and Soul Kiss. Soul Kiss I enjoyed reading and would have to actually buy. I can relate more to the character how she had to stay with her mom's family and her dad who's she's never met lives in California. It was just good, one of those books you can reread over and over and not get tired of.

Saturday, I ended up going to a birthday party I wasn't sure I was gonna go to. It was the same folks who I met for the christmas gathering back in December. I really didn't know what to get for the birthday boy and considered just getting a cake. Jon saved me though, and made me a realize how that would have been a no-no to bring a cake when there's gonna be one already. I brought a bottle of wine, and a gift card since I'm not friends with the guy enough to know his likes or dislikes. It was fun, I got to see these two women that I adored from last time. There isn't any guys my age so made do what I had. Funny how I got a girl's number again, what's up with that!?

I left around 11:30 pm to make my way out to DC and meet up with C-. We're kinda dating I guess. We've hang out like two or three times, few weeks in between. I met him early last month and I've seen him what, four times? It was a pain trying to find a parking spot in DC but I did eventually, after driving around for half an hour. He and his friends were at a bar and grilled called Front Page in the Dupont Circle. It was nice, I got to meet more of his friends and coworkers. I just mostly hang around the bar, dancing here and there when I knew what song was playing. C-'s a social butterfly, going out to bars or parties when he can. It looks like his friends really adore him, it seems like when I kinda take a step back and watch them mingle. We didn't talk too much but it was good. The bar closed about an hour after I got there so we had to go. Funny thing though, there was a guy across the bar whose name is J- (I come to find out later.) He was staring and then would whisper something to the people he was with. I just shrugged it off but just found it a bit odd. We were waiting for C- friends outside the bar and I ended up running into J-. He kept going on how he's straight, etc etc and how I want to sleep with him but obviously we can't since he's not gay. And I stood there thinking What is he talking about!? I asked him where he's getting that from and he went on how he used to be gay but not anymore, etc . 'You're a beautiful man Topher but we're not sleeping together' Oh, bummer I told him and parted ways after a kiss on the lips. I caught up with C- and his folks and said our bye's. I had to walk down a different way to get to my car, and they were still talking about going over to a friend's house anyway.

It was a fun night, and I made my way back home, stopping at McDonald's to get a Big and Tasty meal. At least this time, I didn't have to stop a fight. When I went out two weeks ago and went to McDonald's, the two cars in front of me were having an argument. I don't know if it was the alcohol or wanting to get my food that made me step out of the car and got in between the two guys trying to separate them. They were mostly yelling, but still if one of them would have pulled out a weapon, my ass would have been in the hospital. It was something stupid, the guy in front wanted to back out of the drive-thru lane instead of just leaving the normal route. The guy behind him really can't do anything since he saw my car coming and obviously can't go anywhere. The second guy was a state trooper too, and eventually the first guy just left. The state trooper kept telling him to choose either jail, or home. Looks like the kid had a bit of a drink too and it didn't look like he's over 21. I spoke to the state trooper and pretty much what pissed him off was getting called a niggah. And he was white as can be! I chuckled when I heard that, and told him to relax, it's over now. Go get your food ordered so you can be on your way. I was getting hungrier too.

I finally got my big and tasty yay! but didn't get to savor it all since I got stuck trying to park my car. I was trying to roll the car, grabbing french fries while doing so, who can enjoy their food doing that!? I tried for about half an hour and finally gave up and said I'll just take care of the problem when I woke up. I slept around 6 and woke up around 9, I forgot by what. I ended up calling it in to USAA and got it taken care of, waiting for the towing service for a good five hours. I was by the apartment though so just did the laundry and little things I needed to do. Hey, can't really let it get to me. I had a great evening and won't let the car incident ice on my parade. If I wouldn't have gone out, this would not have happened but I don't think I would have changed any part of it.