Eve of Pride

Well going back to Thursday, I didn't do any homework like I intended to do. Instead there I was on the computer, chatting the evening away. I spoke to this one guy I chatted with months ago but sorta died away. Gave me his number and all, but never got back with me. I thought it was just neat he lived like a mile away and it would be good to make friends closer at least.
Anyway, I messaged him and we kinda got to talking again. I was trying to meet him right then and there since there was a Starbucks nearby and I was getting bored sitting at home. His ass fell asleep on me!! He was saying he was tired, and I told him to go shower to get refreshed and when he said he was gonna stretch some, that's when he passed out. I was feeling antsy so I ended up walking for a little bit.

The breeze felt really good, and there's still a bit of daylight as I walked. I felt dejected a little I'll admit after the whole convo with -CS. I'm like Wow, do I suck that much no one would want to hang out with me? I was kinda laughing thinking those thoughts. My gut said naw, you can't be that bad but then, my gut's hungry so I went to Mickey D's and sat down at it. I'm sitting there thinking that dumb ass could have been here eating with me (dumb ass in a good way *grins) Anyway, the feeling passed so I was okay that evening.

I was chatting with -CS through most of Friday and he was apologizing for falling asleep on me. He made it up though by sending me some pics, all G-rated and he sent me my favorite one of his. It's pretty much just his portrait and he had his eyes closed in it. The lighting's just really nice and when I look at it, it just makes me want to kiss him. He looks serene. I did get to meet him though. He was gonna go to Target so I went and tagged along. He's a cool guy, he's funny and furry. It was fun just walking around the store with him. Me like the feeling. We went back to his place and he pretty much was working on the kitchen. He bought some silverwares and I guess he didn't realize I took out the price tags coz he was a bit surprised when he was washing them and didn't have to take them out anymore. We were just talking while he was doing dishes, I was standing right next to him, facing the opposite way and just had my hands over his shoulders. I didn't want to leave but I had made plans that evening to grab a bite with Dk- the one I met at the volunteer gig the previous week.

I was late! I was supposed to be in DC around 7, and I didn't get there 'til about 7:50 yikes. It was nice, he ended up taking me to some Italian restaurant down in New York Ave since I thought about just going to Ruby Tuesday. It was a nice restaurant, he told me how it's been around for 60 yrs now, and you can tell by how it looked on the inside. It just gives off this somber vibe, really dark wooden walls, chandeliers, mantles. I think we were there for an hour or so. After that, stepped out the perfect time since the rain just stopped. We just walked around the Mall, and the Capitol area talking some more. He's volunteering Saturday morning so we went our separate ways around 11 that evening.

I didn't wanna go home yet so ended up going to JR's. I was gonna meet up with Ch- (one I sorta dated back in Feb) but that didn't happen. He's the one who asked me to hang out then he went MIA on me. After waiting around for maybe 30 minutes, I decided to call it a night and walked back to the train station. I was maybe a block away and when I looked up, there was St- (S' friend I met few weeks ago). We chatted for a bit and we eventually decided to check Apex out since I've never been there. It reminded me of Roxy's (I was gonna say with Fashmag, but remembered he didn't ACTUALLY go with us haha). I liked the video bar, though I later made my way to the dance floor and grooved my thang. Some kid grabbed me and made out with me, ugh. I think he was on something coz he was doing the same to every guy within reach. We stayed there 'til about 3 am, and made our way home. Well, home as in St-'s since I live wayy out further than where he lives.

St-'s roommate was really nice. St' woke him up and introduced us to each other. St- was showing me some pictures and I was so sleepy I told him to just show it to me the next day. I was up by 8 am and just hang around their place for a little bit. St-' made some omelet, and we just talked on the table. It was fun just talking to both of them, just shooting the breeze. I told 'em I'll do the dishes but the roommate (ugh, I forgot his name) opposed to it, that a house guest shouldn't do 'em (I did it anyways). They're both musicians and they actually played two songs, one playing the harp and the other, flute. They played it in a close proximity that I was moved to tears. Getting to hear live music that close was quite something. We later hang out by the pool eventhough I can't swim for jack. I really need to learn how to. I had a good time, I found out St- even reads Osho, and he writes poems, and such. I showed him one of my favorite blogs and had him listen to the "radio station." He liked the postings so he bookmarked your site Robert!!

I even showed him my gurl's Alexys Tylor's videos but instead of him laughing, it hit real close to home and I sat there thinking Ah, shit. What she's saying makes sense and has wisdom in it but the way she says it just gets me, all that passion about the penus and the power of the V. It's all good, since he felt okay eventually though I guess it kinda got him thinking about stuff. Coz really, a dick will make you slap somebody!

I really had a good time. I'm hoping I get to hang out with him again since he lives like 15 mins away from me. What a great way to get my Pride started.

Saluting the V

I've been watching her videos everyday when I'm riding the metro and as much as I try to hold my laughter in, I can only do it so much listening to all the gems. People must have thought I was crazy but oh well, it's not like they'll see me again.

Around 04:40 is what gets me. You'd hear the sound but..... (just watch it) That and 04:13 - never fails to crack me up

It's Thursday

Wow, sure glad the week's almost over. I'll finally get a day today to just do nothing. Since the week started, I've had some commitments so really looking forward to not do anything, sort of. Well, I can do homework tonight but will see how that goes, knowing my track record.

I still need to write about getting to see Keane in concert the day after Memorial Day. Their show lasted 90 min and it was worth it, even after having to pay pretty much for the concert ticket. That I can write a review about since I know each and every song they played. It was great! You can just feel the good vibe, people singing along to the chorus, even to the slow songs that I thought would be better if no one sang along, completely changed my mind. I think I might have gotten teary-eyed even but it was of bliss, no kidding. All my worries just washed off, just being there in the moment. I oughta try that more often.

I started this post this morning but it got so busy at work. It really gets stressful sometimes but at the same time, it's a type of job where once my shift's over, that is it. No chances of having to stay behind after hours trying to get something finished. It was just a weird day, feeling pissed, then happy, tired, happy, lonely, and now, back to flat at least. This will probably be a mix of sorts that might not make sense to anyone but me.

My mom finally got a date to fly out to the States though of course, instead of making a reservation months ago, she's doing it 2-3 weeks before the actual date. We told her to try to get one on a weekday since it's cheaper but of course, she got one on a weekend. I guess it's kinda good that I didn't make the call after I got her e-mail since it would not have been too pretty. I really don't get angry easy but times when I actually do, I can say some awful things that would sting the other person involved. I asked her to try to get her ticket early since it'll be cheaper. My aunts said they would help out so I dunno, maybe I can ask them to chip in, maybe not. My mom was being apologetic saying how she'll work really hard when she gets to the US, but of course, a part of me is thinking why wait all this time now that you're almost 50. When I speak with her, she kept saying how I won't have anything to worry about when she gets here. I guess at the same time, it is true that I worry but with me petitioning her, it's not even about being closer to her anymore. It's more of getting the family off my back asking when I'm gonna get my mom. They probably didn't mean anything by it, but being asked that when you're 18, 19 it's like leave me alone people, I just want to be young and not have to have responsibilities. That's why I'm jealous sometimes of kids whose main concern are what movies to see, which parties to go to. That's probably why I'm pissed with them, mainly because I wanted to have their life, a much simpler one where things weren't rattled.

There were too many calls coming in so instead of eating at my desk and hearing the damn phones ring, I stepped out for a bit to walk around. I needed to go to the bank which is a few blocks away so did that. It was nice the sun just shining, the weather just perfect to do some walking. On the way back, I stopped by the shoe place to ask how much it'll cost to get my soles replaced. Being flat-footed, only one side of my shoes gets worn down, and with my black ones it's pretty much gone that I'm starting to wear out the wooden part of it. I asked the asian man how much it would cost, taking my shoes off and showing him how bad it was. He said it'll be $10 for each shoe, and I just said ok. When I was putting my shoe back on, he said how he'll only charge me $18. I guess I had a look on my face since he felt the need to tell me why. I didn't ask, but he said You know why I give you discount?, and I just shook my head since I really had no idea. "Because you're a nice person" and he just smiled at me. I smiled back but thinking What the hell was that? since I'm not sure where that came from. I've only dealt with him twice, first was when I came by asking how much it'll cost to put the horse-shoe looking thing on my shoes but got shooed away since he was eating. And the second time was when I came by trying to get heel thingy put on my shoes. This was a week apart and that time I came back , he apologized for telling me to come back that first time.

Just hearing him say that I was a nice person kinda shifted my mood. Seriously when I get stressed with callers and get angry, it lingers for a while and I wonder just where all these anger coming from? Maybe I still have internalized over things though that's always a work in progress. I digress. I guess at the core, people start out a good person but with all the things that happen, it kinda gets pushed in the backburner. They feel the need to be defensive, lashing out at first before anybody gets to them, just all these hate and anger that built up. That's why I think at least. With what the man said, my mood shifted 180 degrees and I just felt happy after that. I walked away stunned, wondering how he could make that assessment after just having encountered me twice. I probably should just take it at face value but knowing me, I'm gonna keep tossing it in my brain wondering what the bleep!?

I walked away and made a call to my dad. It was probably around 0830 over there since it was 1130 when I called. He was in therapy though but I told him that I'm just calling to wish him a happy birthday. He called last night but when I got to the phone, he already had hung up. I called back two hours later but it was my mom that picked up, and I told her that my dad called . She said he called for no reason really, she said he was talking about me earlier so that might be why. I was just waiting 'til today to call him. I didn't realize we haven't spoken since we were in NC, crazy to think it's been a month already. He called last Friday to just check up on me but we just spoke briefly. It's nice that these days, he calls just because. I saw an old e-mail earlier and it made me smile coz in it, he was saying how it was as if I was only six years of age due to time we missed together but what can ya do but move on really. But now, I'm 9 now since he wrote that back in '03.
Happy Birthday Dad! I think he probably knows about me since my brother was saying how my mom and dad aren't stupid. Considering I never talk about girls, and one time he asked me if I liked boys, it took me a bit before responding. Maybe I'm underestimating him, but at the same time, with us working on our relationship I'm worried that it might put a dent on it. He talks about honesty and sticking to the truth but can people really handle the truth sometimes. I'd probably feel a lot better if I just told him but then, it's still a touchy subject this early in the relationship.

My mom's side of the family knows about me, but at the same time, I feel they think it's just a phase. They still ask me when I'd get married and have a family and stuff. They ask when I'm planning to settle down and have kids. Yo, I'm only 23 though before I was hoping I would be doing so come 27 or 28. I wonder about having kids one day, I just don't talk about it with anyone really. Some things you just think of, but don't really feel the need to let out. I laugh it off when they ask me about things like that but I do worry about it. I think I'd make a good dad, I'll make sure to be there for them. With me being gay, I think about how it'll be like for my kid to grow and not having a mom. Granted a mom and a dad isn't the formula for a perfect home, I wonder how I can make it work, if/when I do have a partner. It won't be the same since the circumstances will be quite different but when I think about my childhood, I'm like "Wow, I lived without a father my whole life." I wouldn't want my kids to go through that. I know my dad loves me but I wonder Why weren't you there for me? There's just emptiness I feel sometimes that despite of my mom's and the family's love? I can be around friends and family but yet, this feeling just stays with me. Does not having my dad around really impacted me that much? It's this feeling as if I wasn't loved because I didn't deserve to be. I try not to think about this, but earlier tonight, when it felt like somebody was shunning me, the floodgates just opened. I was walking to the grocery store, and just thought what's the matter with me?

My brother and I had a conversation when I told him about me last summer how if I still would have been gay had I grown up with my dad. I told him, I don't know because to be honest, I really don't, and probably will never know. I really can't pinpoint this or that as a reason, I might have just been born this way. Had the nurturing environment had been different, I'm sure it'll find it's way out sooner or later if this is the real me. I mostly attract older guys and sometimes I wonder if it's fulfilling a silent yearning inside me, for a father I never had. Maybe that's why I haven't been in a relationship yet I wonder? If it's because I'm trying to make up for something else.

And here I am thinking I was just gonna write about how my day went.....

Remembering

Right before I went to lunch, I heard that the receptionist's brother just passed away. Her mother called her at work, right in the middle of the day. The reasoning behind it is beyond me, I don't know why instead of having her go home, you would tell that kind of news over the phone. I feel awful. It brought me back to summer of last year when I heard about my grandad passing away, then upon getting there, my cousin passing away that evening. I had goosebumps remembering the pain, granted I haven't thought about it too much lately but with hearing about things like this, I can't help not to.

I really wasn't impacted by my grandad's passing away. It was worse seeing my aunts', uncle's, mom's, and my grandma's reaction as they were pushing the coffin into the grave. One of my aunts even grabbed the casket, not wanting to let go, crying out that how could my grandpa leave so soon. One even passed out, and we had to pour water over her and slap her, trying to get her to regain consciousness. Seeing my family in anguish was what finally broke me down and made me cry. I was taking some pictures, but had to put the camera down since the tears clouded my vision. One guy I dated last winter saw the pictures, and he asked what made me take that shot. I didn't know either. Maybe it was to capture the pain or maybe, I took a step back and became an observer for a moment. Seeing my loved ones in pain, and wanting as much I could to take it all away, knowing that they had to go through it alone. Taking it one day at a time, then maybe...just maybe making peace over what happened.

I know I have, or I'd like to think so at least. Though I'm aware that there will be times when the emotions would take me over, when I happen to just think about it.

*I'm gonna spare you guys by not posting the picture. I'm fine and will just write more when I'm in a different place

Tuesday yak yak

It's been a bit over a week since I actually updated. It's been good so can't complain. Nothing major but at the same time, I'm glad that things are happening. School's been interesting, I'd have to say. It's just amazing hearing about how civilizations started and all that. We have a paper due soon so need to work on that.

I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. Mine was good from what I remember. I went out the Friday prior. Well, I wasn't going to since I signed up to volunteer at F- and F- on Saturday from 8 - 10 am. Figured it'll give me an excuse not to go out on a Friday for a change since pretty much the past month, I've been going out just about every weekend. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's been really fun hanging out with S- and meeting new people. I guess I've been more outgoing than usual though with that, I need to time to recharge since that's the way I roll. My friend J- was in town and we were supposed to meet up at least but that didn't happen. He was about 30 mins away since his parents live in Maryland. They ended up picking up his brother Friday night so plans got scraped out.

I actually spoke with S- in the afternoon which is the first time I've talked to him longest on the phone. I got let go early since I had a little 'tantrum' when my boss said something I didn't like. I usually just got quiet if I'm annoyed though my coworker said that it shows in my face, which I didn't realize. After I got home, I just went running since I was gonna end up just sitting so that. Once that's done with, that's when S- called to see what I was doing and what my plans were. Told him my friend's in town, etc etc but it's not definite yet etc etc so he told me to let him know later on the day. I actually forgot that I said I was gonna call him so I didn't. He called close to 8 pm and asked why haven't I called heehee. That was kinda embarrassing, he was talking about how I don't call papi back. I debated about going or not but I ended up going anyway.

It was a fun night. I didn't get to Cobalt til two hours after I spoke to S- so he had a bit of a drink already. I probably blushed when he'd just look at me so I'd act like I was looking at something behind him, avoiding his gaze. We stayed at Cobalt maybe for an hour. I actually saw some blogger whose blog I've looked at here and there, but it would have been too weird to just do come up to him. Funny how I've been too nervous to meet newer ones that live here in the area. After Cobalt, we made our way down to Green Lantern which is a few blocks down. It was my first time there, there weren't too many people that evening so it wasn't too bad. I was with S- and St-, S-' friend. I'm not sure what it's called but they have this thing where you get drinks for free if you're in your underwear. The other two took their pants off, and after a little peer pressure, I did the same thing. It wasn't too bad since I kept my polo on at least. Good thing I opted for boxer briefs instead of my Superman briefs. I'm not even a big comic books fan but I liked the color of it so durrr. After a while though, you kinda forget that you're not wearing any pants so it's okay. I doubt I'd be doing that if there's a lot of folks though. St- was cool, this is the second time I've hang out with him and he actually took my number when we were walking out in the street. It was funny how S- got a bit mad about it since St- is his friend.

Once the underwear hour is over, we ended up going to JR's. I don't think we stayed long and called it a night and I ended up crashing at S-' since the metro stopped running. I sooo didn't wanna get up when he woke me up around 6 to get ready for my volunteering thing. I just wanted to sleep in but ya know, I've made a commitment so gotta do what I said I'll do. It was only for two hours and we pretty much were bagging the meals to be handed out by another group. The guys on my table were really funny so that made the time fly by. I'm the laugher though, I really don't joke around much when I'm in a group. Tending to take a step back and mostly listen, or laugh. One guy was giving me the "look" everytime I accidentally put something that goes past his table. It had me cracking up. I'm that easy to laugh.

One of the guys I previously worked with was there too and we ended up being at the same table so talked to him for a bit at least. It was my first time working on a weekend and he was explaining to me how the bagging system works since there were some special meals etc. He was really helpful, not that they all were :) I actually talked to him after the shift was over. We were making my way out to the parking lot, and I asked him some questions, and ended up chatting with him for about twenty minutes. I kept asking him when he's volunteering again *blush, guess I kinda wanted to work with him again. He said if I wanted to get his number, and I was all Suuuure. I did want to hang out with him so that's nice he offered. I ended up just walking back to the metro which was five minutes away since it would have been out of his way to drop me off.

Went home, ended up napping and not waking up for my friend's barbeque all the way in Maryland. I wanted to be out but at the same, not to a bar or a club so made my way to a movie theater to watch Waitress. Just the kind of movie I needed that day. I think watching a drama, Away From Her, would not have done me much good, as much as I like drama but sometimes, you just want to watch a movie that'll make you smile about things, and especially life in general. Ya know, having to make a tough decision but at the same time, just believing that everything will turn out okay.

Lessons learned

I came across a public access video and here are the lessons learned in it:

- If you really want to earn your man, you need to learn your man.

- There's nothing wrong with liking a flashy man.

- Some women are hooked on coming.

- Some men have so much heat and intensity in their penis, you can feel it radiate through their clothes. It feels like fire underneath their skin.

- Shrimp dinner at Long John Silver's cost $2.99.

- Men who offer you "a side of penis" don't respect you.

- Don't let every man hit the bottom of your vagina and work that middle.

- Some women's mind ain't good because the penis done ejaculate all in her brain.

- Some men screw women into submission by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down.

- When you're wide open with a penis all up in your vagina, you don't have no defenses.

- The worst thing that can happen is when a man, while he's thrusting the penis in and out, says, "Whose is it? Whose vagina is it? Who it belong to? Now, wha- wha- what I say? Who? Who?"

- Don't let every man spank your bottom and talk to you all kind of ways.

Babang Luksa

I called the family up this morning since today, 31st of May it's my grandpa's first year death anniversary. Babang Luksa literally means the end of mourning. With that, all the relatives and clans gather in a party of sorts, eating, drinking, having a good old time. I never actually knew what this meant until this morning when I read up about it. I've heard about it the longest but never really realized what it signified.

I didn't keep them long since it was a bit loud at my grandma's house. Our old neighbors from my childhood home were there, along as my second and third cousins, and family friends. The old neighbors were the ones who got to see first hand our crazy family. Fights erupting when some of the family guys go drinking, being chased down in the streets, hiding at a neighbor's house until everything settles. I laughed just now thinking about it but back then, ya know granted I accepted things as they were, I can't help not to wonder why. Anyway, that's the past.

I was just smiling talking to my grandma and my mom. People were singing karaoke in the background. I cried a bit but it was more coz of happiness knowing that they're having fun and celebrating. One of my aunts (the one wearing Reebok) and my grandma haven't spoken for months due to money problems, but I'm glad she showed up and hopefully, put whatever behind. But then, that's family, you fight you argue and sometimes even show your worst around them. Though with the ones who "act out," I think they take comfort knowing that there's family that'll always love them. That's what family is about, well for me at least. The folks who'd stand by you no matter what, well usually but not always. Though of course, we don't get to choose who ours will be, but then neither did they.

I was gonna keep quiet about this day but I felt compelled to write something. In the second pic which was taken on my 21st b-day, you'd see my grandpa in the wife-beater and my cousin, Sonny on the far right, that passed away the day we arrived in Manila a year ago, on the 8th of June. My mom's waiting until after my cousin's babang-luksa before she'd fly out to the States as to which we don't have an exact date yet but it'll be in about two to three weeks. I might not get to make my way out to Florida right when she arrives but will try to that weekend. I just won't tell her when so it'll be a bit of a surprise. I really can just see her whenever but it'll mean a lot to her me showing up around when she gets there. I just saw her last year so I'm kinda okay if I don't see her anytime soon. After not really being with my mom for almost seven years, I kinda got used to not having her around though on some days, I'd want nothing more to have her with me. Having our late night talks, just bs-ing around and making each other laugh. I miss her but not enough to live with her again methinks ;) If I could, I'd buy a mansion and have all my family living together. I sooo was thinking that growing up since it's rough having family in four different continents but guess it gives me an excuse to go back to Europe. I can only hope they're seeing the same sunset as I do, granted they're not with me, I hope they can sense there's a kid in DC thinking of them, always loving them.

He just dipped it

Knocked Up looks like it'll be a great summer movie. I haven't seen Shrek 3 or Pirates of the Carribbean, but I'll make sure to watch this opening night. It's a hoot watching movies when the theaters are packed. I have yet to watch a movie right when it opens.
This is one of the deleted scenes from the movie. It's a bit profane so might want to watch it at home.

Back to school

Last night was my first day of class and so far so good. I'm taking an actual class for History Western Civ which will run 'til the week prior to the 4th of July. It's been pretty good, granted I have yet to speak to my classmates but then it's the first day so it's okay.

Ok, my teacher kept saying it was a survey course and instead of just asking her what it meant, I looked it up and found out this morning. Anyway, we were let out an hour earlier than usual but the class actually runs from 7 to 10:20 pm. I'm gonna have to better manage my time since I'm taking three other classes online. It'll keep me busy I'm sure, so no more just sitting and doing nothing.

I'm actually excited. I missed just sitting in a classroom and listening to the teacher blah blah blah about things. I was all giddy hearing about the Theory of Evolution and such (giggling when I saw homo erectus on the slide). We only got to the pre-history portion but yea, am glad I'm back in school. If I love it enough, I'll try to go full time eventually and work part-time though my dad was saying how that's like taking a step back in a sense but whatevs.

I got home and just ended up ironing for two hours listening to ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Ugh, I didn't think I'd fall for that umbrella song.

This will be random but am I the only one who waits until there's nobody in the bathroom before I step out of a stall? I wish more people would coz I just get bothered somehow knowing who was behind the door producing all those noises.. Teehee

I don't know why I have this thing but it's like if I initiate a contact with someone, it feels like I'm the 'weaker' one. I've been like that since I was younger, though as to where it's stemming from I do not know. Everyone who knows about it thinks it's dumb I feel that way about initiating contact. Oh lord, it's only been a day that I didn't hear from S-. I gave in and texted him earlier so will see how that goes. I'm trying to think back to my time here that I didn't know him, but is that possible? I soo need to meet more folks.

Friday night and the feeling's right

Friday started out well. It's been a while since I've read The Little Prince and granted I've read it a lot of times, it still makes me teary-eyed as simple as the story might be. The day was okay, me and V- were out and about on the floors working on trouble tickets that were open. Thursday night, I made my way out to Suitland, MD to see her daughter sing in a group at their school's concert. It was fun, just getting to hang out with V- and just talking about stuff. We were hysterical in the train watching Lisa Lampanelli. Some of Lisa's jokes would just leave you with your mouth open. It was a nice evening. Having become friends with V- made my stay here better but then, there's really no way but up, not that it has been horrible since my move here.

I actually asked S- if he wanted to see Shrek 3 with me. He said yes so I was looking forward to that. Funny how I was thinking how he was like the fox from the book. I've been usually hanging out with him on Fridays so yesterday, as the day is coming to an end, I felt happier and happier because I'll get to see S-. We spoke on the phone around 5 pm, and he said that he has been in meetings all day which can be tiring. I told him that he can just go home and get some rest, not telling him that I've already purchased the tickets for the 10:30 show.

I was debating to head out to the city and just walk around since I kinda got into a mindset that I'll be out and about for the evening. I ended up going still though I just missed the happy hour at DC Eagle, getting to the closest train station at 8:05. I was standing outside for a bit since I was a bit nervous going in by myself but ya know, what's the worse that could really happen so I made my way in. The bartender I chatted with, Je- was there so that put me at ease at least. And another guy I spoke with, Ju- was there as well. I actually forgot his name and he had to tell me what it was. He asked about S- and I said S- is probably home sleeping since he was tired. We got to talking, and I found out he was in the Air Force as well, went to the same base for schooling, etc. I learned some interesting things how the leather world works. What "family" meant, what it means when you have a brother, a Sir, etc. One never stops learning.

With drinking, I tend not to remember some things that happen when I get drunk. Tuesday, I was gonna say looks like but I did black out for a bit. Ju- was telling me how I sorta got thrown out of the bathroom, etc. I remember being in a stall talking to S- and a manager being there as well saying that there can't be two people in a stall, etc. I don't remember going in, or why but Ju- told me that S- and I were arguing for a bit. Not that it was loud or anything, but S- got pissed since I was talking to another guy and got the guy's number. Je- said that everybody thought that me and S- were together, but one in an open relationship more than likely. I just laughed when he told me that. I told him I've just been hanging out with S- for about three weeks now, and we never really talked about 'us' since I don't know, there isn't an 'us'!? Je- was explaining what the difference was between seeing someone and dating someone, and how S- and I probably like each other but just won't admit to it. I guess we did give off a couple vibe when we went out that day. It's interesting hearing about it from an outsider's point of view. He just told me some little things, how he thought I was an alright guy but didn't ask for my phone number with S- being there and all. He told me that S- was the one who took my glass away when I was talking to the one dude. I remember taking one shot but after that, Ju- said I had two more tequila shots. And when we left, we kinda did so abruptly. I just thought huh..

So that was that, I ended up talking to the bartenders and a Sir. The Sir seemed like a nice guy and told me how yesterday shouldn't be my last time being there. He told me I should go to the Leatherfest. I had to ask what it was and they said it is a party, so will see about that one. Je- was calling me a cub so yea, thought it was kinda funny.

I ended up not going to the movies. I asked them if I could use the online reservation for a later show and the girl told me to just check with the manager upstairs. I ended up hanging out with a guy I never met but chatted with a few times. We just walked around Chinatown for a little bit trying to find a place that was open but they were all closed, and it was only 11! We ended up just sitting by Haegen Dasz and just talking. I got ice cream and to think it was really cold out. We just talked maybe for an hour or so. I was a bit tipsy after drinking at the bar, and was getting really sleepy so we made our way back to the metro station. We stood around for a while and talked even more until our train got there. We found more stuff to talk about so that was good, there were talks about getting together again so will have to make sure that happens.

I start school this Monday so that would keep me busy at least. The actual class for History will be Mondays and Wednesdays for about 3 hrs each for six weeks. The other three, will be distance learning for 16 so it shouldn't be too bad. Though taking Precalculus with Trigonometry online, will see how that'll go, having to make sense out of all the formulas only from a book.

Well it's almost 5 now. Just went running today and went to pick up some groceries. That was like four hours ago so definitely need to get showered now and do laundry. Probably just stay in and watch some DVD's. Listening to Landslide right now, the only Stevie Nicks I know so far. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.....

Soar higher like an eagle

I feel good in a James Brown kind of way. That sounded funny to me so shut up. Figured I'd just write a new post to kinda push the other entry down. Talk about picture overload haha

The weekend was kinda quiet. I went and saw Hot Fuzz Friday night and absolutely loved it. I went by myself though since some guy I was supposed to go with two weeks ago cancelled and has disappeared from the face of the earth since then, well on my world at least. I don't know why some folks found it shocking when I told them I went to see it alone, like how can I even do such a thing. I think I ended up watching it free since I went to the self-service ticket counter and grabbed whatever came out. When I handed it to the guy, he told me that he can't take it since it wasn't a ticket. When I looked at the "ticket," it actually was the receipt so ran back down to the machine trying to find my ticket. I looked over and there it was, a ticket for Hot Fuzz for the showtime I was trying to get into. I took it and just made my way back and handed it to the guy. I felt naughty with what I did and when one of the workers was walking around inside the theater, I got nervous thinking they're trying to find me. Thanks universe :)

After that, made my way to McDonald's since I haven't eaten anything since lunch. Spoke to my coworker V- for a little bit. We've become good friends so am really glad about that, something to keep me smiling when I'm at work. We act like kids sometimes, we'd just start giggling over little things like someone's last name being Adcock. I'd just say "This is Willie, whatchu want" and we'd bust out laughing but you'd have to hear this to know why.

The weekend was quiet. I stayed in Saturday and mostly did some cleaning but didn't get to bed 'til about 5:30 am. Got woken up around 10 when of the aunts called, and after that pretty much called up all the 'moms' I know and wished them a Happy Mother's Day. I then ironed my clothes for the week and guess a bit bummed out that I'm home on a Sunday when it was really nice out. I ended up stepping out and going to a Korean restaurant and grabbed something to eat. V- called while I was eating and we ended up walking around Old Town in Alexandria. She brought her daughter with her which got me nervous for a little bit since she's like 14 yrs old. We ended up having a great time. Walking down by the water, playing with some parrots, drinking up some Starbucks and enjoying the area. I was being silly and it made the kid laugh so it's all good. We were even singing and dancing on the way back to their car. It's kinda weird that this sorta came true since V- later on told me she was feeling a bit down since it was Mother's Day and they were staying home after going out for lunch earlier that day.

Today you might find a new way of bringing people together, Kristopher. The energy of the day could inspire you to form an alliance of some sort. You might strike up a friendship with someone, and both of you could help each other out. Or you could decide to team up with someone whose skills, energy, and personality complement your own on a project. The two of you could make a successful combination!

I was really glad I got to hang out with them though the evening kinda took a bad turn after some incidents with a friend. Drunken phone calls, me making my way out to DC, then my friend pretty much ignoring me when I got there. I briefly touched on S- in an older post and I'm just kinda confused about where we stand. We're supposed to be friends, but something happened so yea, it sure does complicate things. It's kinda cute when he was trying to make me jealous over the phone. But I guess I was a little bit since if I wasn't, I would not have gotten dressed and made the drive to DC to see him. It was just a weird night.

Tuesday though, we met up after getting off work. I wanted to stop by H&M to check out some black slacks so I told S- that I was gonna be in the area. He said he was gonna go running so I said we can just meet up afterwards after I get my shopping done, and he went running. I texted saying I'll give him a call when I got to DC and when I did, he actually was at H&M already *blush I made my way up and had to casually shake his hands when I saw him, and just said what's up but I really wanted to hug him. We had a smile on our faces so guess that's a good thing. I ended up not buying any pants since they didn't look right around the buttocks area. S- was saying that of course it wouldn't since the clothes are of European cut. I said yea, I guess since mine's a little too big and he laughed saying I was full of myself.

After leaving H&M, we ended up making our way to a bar. I was kinda thinking Isn't this early to be going to a bar since it was only around 5 pm by then. He took me to a leather bar so that's another checked off of my list. Now I can say I've been to Eagle. It was actually nice though at first, I was a bit nervous with it being a leather bar and all. The folks are friendly, even the bartender introduced himself. I spoke to a few people and even got kissed by this one guy on his way out. This was the day I found out who Falwell was since one guy talked to me about him and I said that I did not know who it was. S- and I caught up about what we did over the weekend, and for Sunday, he remembers bits and pieces of it, well mostly the good stuff. That that's the good thing when he's drunk, he only remembers the good things. Well not for the sober ones, I said. He asked if I was gonna bring up what happened Sunday night and I said no. I got my hug though since I told him I wanted to at H&M but didn't. Some of the guys that we end up talking with thought we were together. I got another guy's number which didn't sit well with S-. My coworker/friend V- had to explain to me that I shouldn't get guys' numbers when I'm out with S-. I guess I was only thinking of myself, ya know kinda glad that I'm sorta networking and meeting people at least, maybe meet friends in the process.

I met S-'s friend, St- as well though at first when he said his friend's coming, I was thinking why'd he even do that. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out with my friend or whoever, I don't like it when they bring somebody else in. I just want them all to me. St- was an alright guy though. I "lost" my mug at the bar though since S- had the bartender take it away when I was chatting with somebody whose number I got.

We ended up leaving around 9 and made our way out to Chinatown stopping by Fuddruckers and grabbing something to eat. Of course this whole time, S- was rambling how I keep talking to other guys and getting their numbers. He said he'd talk to them and that is it. He's lived here for five years so he knows folks while I don't. But like V- said, it's not right to do that if I'm with S-. My silly self find it adorable when S- gets all hyped up but I just really didn't think much of what I was doing. He kept on and on about it when we were eating, and when St- was driving us both, how I sucked and he shouldn't be speaking to me. S- lives in DC while I'm in Va and St- drove me all the way to the train station where I was parked so that was really nice of him. I sent him a thank you e-mail since that's the most I can do. I got home and passed right out.

It's all good though. With the beginning of the post, that's how I really felt yesterday. The whole time I was in the train, I just had a smile on my face thinking that life is good. Not that it isn't, but sometimes with all the things that go through, we tend to forget that. But yesterday, I just had that feeling and it was nice. S- asked me if I had fun the previous night, and rather than just saying yes, I texted: Yes! I've had a smile on my face since waking up because of last night. Seeing you did me good. Probably a bit too much but at that time, that's how I really felt. I'm trying to make it a point of telling folks how I feel. Making my self vulnerable in the process but with doing that, knowing how flexible or unbreakable I can be.

Mother's Day

I remember looking out the balcony as my mom goes home after dropping me off to school. I'd poke my head out and wave, until she and the other mothers make a left turn, disappearing from my view in those mornings. It was a bit odd since I don't remember crying when I was in kindergarten, or even first grade, only in the second grade which seemed to be an emotional time for me somehow.





I probably don't give her as much credit as I
should, but sometimes I think how I turned out all comes down to me. I'm sure my mom's love played a role or maybe it was all that I needed, after all. I know it might not sound I had a happy childhood sometimes when you read what I write but despite of all the things that happened, I can look back and still smile. There were a lot of good times as well but I think it's the pain that I'm letting go by writing it out. What a sad life, I thought for so long, not that I now think it's happy.


I do love my mom and I can say we do have a great relationship. I call her on and we can go on for hours just talking about things. We are two complete opposites that people comment on how she managed to raise a child like me. She does have a big heart, and she welcomes everybody with open arms. I remember cringing when we're out and about and she'd converse with random people. I'd think "God, she's at it again" and act like I didn't know the woman. With all the things that she went through, even to this day, she'd tell me that she was able to hold it together because of me. I just laugh it off, but it humbles me deeply when I sit down and think about it. Sometimes I think it's stupid but then had it been any other way, I'm not sure I would have been where I am.

My other aunts' kids are all pretty young, and they would tell my mom they hope that their kids would turn out the way I did. She'd say to trust everything to God. My mom did pray a lot. She did do novenas and I just sat there wondering what she was praying about. All I did pray for was to get to meet my father. On my birthday, the first thing we'd do is make our way out to Quiapo, Manila and pay respect to the Black Nazarene. This is the one church where she'd walk on her knees to get to the front of the church where the statue is. It usually rains on my birthday since it's in the rainy season, and she always carried me on her back, rather than letting my shoes get wet on our way

After all that happened, she was always there for me.She could have said the hell with me a long time ago, and she didn't. Sometimes I guess I forget that she was a young girl once, and had her all these dreams and ambitions. I certainly don't think that becoming a single mother was one of it. I'm thankful she stood by me, though some aren't as lucky. So to my mom, my aunts, my grandma and to all the mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day and thank you for the gift.

Forgive your mother! Forgive her not for the things she has done or not done, for the things she has said or has not said. Forgive her because it is the only way to open your heart to self-forgiveness. Forgive her not because you don't have a right to be upset about the way she has handled some things in her life and in your life. Forgive her not because she was right in making you feel wrong, or because she was wrong when she failed to acknowledge that you were right. Forgive your mother because until you do, there will be a void in your heart.

Forgive your mother for the many, many times she was not the mother you wanted her to be. Forgive her for the times she did not do things the way you needed them done. Forgive your mother for not protecting you or speaking out in your behalf. Forgive her for not guiding you in the right direction and for the times she totally lost her direction, dragging you along with her. Forgive your mother for demanding things from you that she could not provide for you or for herself. Forgive your mother whether or not she did anything wrong or bad to you. Forgive her not because you are excusing whatever she did or however it affected you. Forgive your mother because holding judgments against her has a devastating impact on your soul. The judgments you hold will eventually break your heart. Forgive your mother because the truth is, she did the best she could whether you would like to believe it or not.

Until today, you may have been harboring judgments or negative opinions about your mother and the way she did or did not mother you. Just for today, forgive yourself for judging your mother. Once you do, there will be nothing left to forgive her for.

- Iyanla Vanzant

North Caroliiiina

Well, the plan for NYC was scratched after we went out Friday night and didn't get home 'til 3. I ended up grabbing a bite with some guy Friday evening out in the U Street area of DC. A friend I met recently - S lives a few blocks down so I called him and checked what he was doing. He said he was getting ready to go to bed but his friend called and wanted him to go out. He was having second thoughts about it but when we spoke and he found out I was in the area, he just went ahead and got ready.


While I was having dinner with said guy, there's actually a voicemail that came in from an old, old friend of mine. We were classmates in elementary back in the Philippines, and I actually got a hold of him when I first moved here. However, after I left Cali and moved to FL, we lost touch. I've tried calling the number that I had, but it was disconnected. I went on a spy mode and looked up their area with the said friend's last name, and I think I actually called each number and left a voicemail explaining to them who I was, and why I was calling. Months passed and last Friday, my friend Billy did call me back (Screw the B- thing) He asked how I found his number so I explained it to him. It's real easy nowadays to find people's info, well maybe that's the stalker side kicking in. I'm just good like that hehe.



It was really good catching up with him after all these years, though he's forgotten a lot of folks from our school days. He even called me by the wrong name, some folks called me by my middle name, Dedrick and on his voicemail, he asked for a Patrick. I go by my first name now, so had to tell him that when he asked why I changed my name. It was great, it was still a surprise getting to talk to him. I think I kept saying " can't believe I'm talking to you!" throughout our conversation. We've talked about meeting but he's in Cali while I'm in DC so will see how that'll pan out. I said we can meet halfway jokingly, and he agreed so guess we'll find out.

After the call, I just stood by a corner waiting for my friend S- to come. We went to this bar called Halo which was alright. We just stayed there for a little bit, leaving after having just one drink. It's funny how like everybody knew him, but then he's lived here for five years now and I on the otherhand, five months. It was fun still though, I just let him be a butterfly and I kinda just leaned back against the counter watching people and the videos playing. I got to talk to some folks maybe 30 mins or so after being there. They were doing shots and I got pulled in to do one. I chatted with them with a bit. And towards the end, got into a conversation with one guy P- for a little bit. 'twas funny that when S- joined the conversation, it kinda went to a halt and he was saying how he's gonna let me and P- get back to enjoying our talk. Just asked mostly things you'd ask someone you just met, where are they from, what do they do ie. student/job, etc. I think he has a bf though, well he said he did which means he probably does. Funny how as we were going our own ways, I ended up P-'s bf's work number instead of his. Have yet to call them though.


I crashed at S- place and slept in hence reason why the trip to NYC was cancelled. We were gonna catch the bus around noon and just spend the night there, and go right back around. I left his place around 1, calling my dad on my way to the car since he had a missed call the previous evening. He was checking if I was coming since the rest of the cousins were asking about me. I said I wasn't sure since that was a 6-hr drive ya know. But a bit after that, I called him back and told him I'll make my way out, it's family. I didn't get to leave the house 'til a few hours since I had lunch first, and had to get packed and everything.


It was a good stay overall. Attending my cousin's graduation, just getting to see some of the family I've never met, like the aunt I've talked about in some old posts. It felt like a family reunion since a bunch made their way to Charlotte, but then most of them live in Atlanta so it's not too far. The farthest is my dad in California, and an Aunt in Rochester, then me in DC. It was really exciting, seeing my cousin graduate. I got to talking with one cousin about going to school and it made me want to go. I'll be applying to some schools, more than likely in Florida, and try to get in for the Spring term. Military kinda felt like being in college, but of course, it's still not the same since I'm earning something different this time around. With the mil, I got to meet people from all walks of life and some of the things I went through, it made me into a better person ( I certainly hope so!) With school, it'll be the same but along with a diploma.


I might, might not write more but wanted to get this out today at least, and share a pic or two to y'all. The first one is with all the cousins, and the second is the majority of the family that came, minus the graduate.

I got a hunger only tacos can stop

This still cracks me up and it's been four years since I've watched it...

Sweet escape

That gwen stefani song is stuck in my head. Wooohoooo Weeeehoooo I'm just taking a quick break before I head out on jobs. I'm still trying to get signed up for some summer classes and will get to do them tomorrow. I'd have to give it a day before the transfer goes through so the system is rejecting my card. It'll cost a LOT to go full-time (about $250 for each credit hours and my cousin told me to just wait it out until next year so I can pay in-state tuition rates. It's outrageous since out-of-state rates is aboout $250 and taking 12 credits, hmm. I considered it but that'll be just too long that I'm not taking any classes. I was taking one last summer but withdrew when I needed to go back to the Philippines due to the death in the family.

I guess I'm just a bit bored. Not that I don't mind not doing anything, but going back to school will keep me busy at least. I'm gonna take one real-time and three online courses, just to give me an idea what it's like. I have a feeling I'll like going to classes better since I did enjoy the interaction with the teacher and just hearing their stories and the way they explain things. I miss sitting in a classroom learning from a sensei. I've bought the books yesterday and will skim through them at least once maybe next week.

Aside from that, it's been good here at work. This one girl V- and I have been talking a lot more. Instead of splitting the trouble calls, we'd come out together and fix the issues. It's been fun, we make each other laugh. I can make her laugh with just my facial expression. They told me I make some weird faces which in turn makes them laugh. They say I'm goofy, which I can be, but I think that's also because I've become more comfortable with me. In the mil, I kinda held back worrying people might find out about me so I tended to keep to myself until my last few weeks. Some wished I would have opened up more sooner. I did too, but as long as we got to make memories, I'm glad about that.

The aunt (my dad's sister) called me Monday after being MIA for like a month. I called her a few times, and even left a message but didn't hear back. My cousin is actually graduating from univ down in Charlotte, NC this Sunday but I'm not going. Even my dad, mom and bro will fly in since the mentioned aunt paid for their ticket. It's a six hour drive and right now, I don't see myself making that drive to be with them. I'm glad I got to finally meet them last year, but I think I've come to a point where I'm okay with the way things are now. I wish it were different but sometimes I just feel too tired in getting to know them. I'm full of contradictions, since I get some moments where I'd want to do just that, yet other times, think to myself to why even bother.
A fellow blogger I met mentioned that me and my cousins really have nothing in common, except for the blood that runs in our veins. I have more love to some bloggers which I know might sound weird but I just do. Maybe I'm just not giving them the family a chance...

Instead of going to Charlotte, I might end up in NYC this weekend. A guy I met just last weekend is planning to go to NY and told me to think about it. I wasn't planning to but now that week's almost over, I let him know this morning that I'll come with him. I 'll find out tonight where we're staying, or how we're even getting there.
Funny how I agreed to go with him, yet won't do the same for the family. What's the matter with me, I tell ya. I'm still trying to build up my life here in DC and I'll admit it's been a bit hard making friends. The ACNYer touched very well on how I feel sometimes. I think I've become comfortable with it in a sense not 'coz I had to, but I think more of making peace with the way things are. It can be hard sometimes, but it's all up to me to make myself happy, and not depend on people. If people can make me happy, they can also make me unhappy.

I need to go back out on jobs. Just wanted to write a little something. Aside from date, I met someone at a bar. I had the courage to ask a guy for his phone number but will see how that goes. I've called him once since Friday, but only got his voicemail. I left a message and he texted me the next day letting me know he did get it so will see. Another one, I e-mailed with and chatted online and was supposed to see Hot Fuzz with last Sunday. He texted like 2 am that morning saying he had to go back to Ohio due to some family issues. Regardless, I'll make it a point of watching the movie, maybe Monday.

Well gotta go now, my gurl's been out in the floors for too long without me. Our coworker is teasing us since we ended up wearing lavender shirts today. It wasn't planned, more of a coincidence. I'm just trying to be more colorful in the clothes I wear, that's all really. Hope you have a great Thursday. I'll just take it slow, it's my TV night so will be set put at 8 with My Name is Earl, The Office and Grey's.

I'm gonna give it a try

I'm up as usual since I fell asleep after getting home from work today. I didn't get to bed 'til about 1:30 yesterday after catching a show in DC once again. I got to see Peter Bjorn and John last night play at 9:30 Club. That place has become a favorite after having gone there to see three shows the past two months, Scissor Sisters, Radio Soulwax, Peter Bjorn and John and in a few weeks, Keane.

I got to the club around 8:30 since they weren't playing until 10. Doors opened at 7:30 but there was still a queue when I arrived. It felt a bit weird standing in line by myself, I kinda wished I had someone to go with at least. On my way, I was talking to my cousin and she mentioned something that got me thinking for a sec, well just when she was on the phone. It's how when I'm about to experience something, I get excited and hyped up over it, whether it be meeting someone, or catching a show in this case. I won't shut up about it, yet when the time comes, I get this weird thought like "Why'd I even bother with this?" I usually end up having a good time but still not sure why that feeling creeps in EVERY single time I'm about to experience something new. Maybe it's fear, but eventhough i feel the fear, i do it anyway.

I just hang around the club for a while, had a drink or two before the show started. Granted I was wishing I was with people, I guess I give off the leave-me-alone vibe. One guy actually chatted me up a bit about the opening acts, and we just talked for another minute and he wandered off. I only got to see the last song for the first opening act and I don't even know what the band's name was. The second opening act was Fujiya & Miyagi which I found out just tonight is actually a British band. The show was great, Peter Bjorn & John played songs mostly from their first album. Of course, I only knew Young Folks but enjoyed the show regardless. They even played a new material, something about called Black coffins?, dealing with life and death (hard for me to get the words just by listening to a song). DC is their first stop for their North American tour and I was actually glad I was part of it in a way.

Like one of their songs said: and the question is, was i more alive then than i am now? i happily have to disagree; i laugh more often now, i cry more often now, i am more me

Gotta get back to watching About a Boy now. I've seen it a few times but it never fails to make me smile. I just talked to my mom about an hour ago and got to thinking about things.

There is no God

Well, according to this one writer. I haven't gone to This I Believe for quite sometime, but I copied over my favorites back in my mil days and just started reading it again. Some posts just make you smile, and get you teary-eyed but in a good way. I was while eating my lunch. Nothing and so much has been going on at the same time, but will write more about it later. For now, I wanted to share the most viewed essay on This I Believe by Penn....

I believe that there is no God. I'm beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy -- you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do. You can't prove that there isn't an elephant inside the trunk of my car. You sure? How about now? Maybe he was just hiding before. Check again. Did I mention that my personal heartfelt definition of the word ''elephant'' includes mystery, order, goodness, love and a spare tire?

So, anyone with a love for truth outside of herself has to start with no belief in God and then look for evidence of God. She needs to search for some objective evidence of a supernatural power. All the people I write e-mails to often are still stuck at this searching stage. The atheism part is easy.

But, this ''This I Believe'' thing seems to demand something more personal, some leap of faith that helps one see life's big picture, some rules to live by. So, I'm saying, ''This I believe: I believe there is no God.''

Having taken that step, it informs every moment of my life. I'm not greedy. I have love, blue skies, rainbows and Hallmark cards, and that has to be enough. It has to be enough, but it's everything in the world and everything in the world is plenty for me. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. Just the love of my family that raised me and the family I'm raising now is enough that I don't need heaven. I won the huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day.

Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.

Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, ''I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith.'' That's just a long-winded religious way to say, ''shut up,'' or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, ''How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do.'' So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.

Believing there is no God means the suffering I've seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn't caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn't bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future.

Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.

Friyay

Wow, the week sure did fly by. One more day of answering phones and next week, will be out on the floor fixing things, not really sure how I feel about it. I run into unique computer problems, and I guess that's a good thing but sometimes, I'd rather not learn just yet.

Yesterday was the first time I ran after a week and a half of not doing anything. It felt good since I wanted to shake off this weird feeling that came over me earlier. Just got to thinking about going back to Florida, to a point where I thought to just quit this job and move back down. Just been thinking about school lately. Granted, I'm taking classes this summer however, I'm gonna have to pay out-of-state tuition fee and it'll cost a LOT. It won't be until Spring that I can become a residen, and with that, I'll lose the scholarship back in Florida. It'll pay 75% so hmmm.. I still have a while though, it'll be good until Dec 2009, three years after I got out of the military so will see.

I'm liking the DC area more. Getting to see music shows, and living pretty close to the city has been good. Knowing I have all these options of things to do, places to see, is nice. I need to start meeting people again though. I kinda took a break from meeting new folks after that whole E- incident. And to think, he doesn't even live here. I oughta write about that evening since it feels like I only write about the not so good things. Getting two hours of sleep and coming in to work the next day, mannn that was rough.I used to say I wouldn't do that but sometimes, one gets caught up in the moment. I was with him and a friend I never met until that day. It doesn't make much sense but will explain later.

It still sucks not having friends in the area but I'm more at peace with that now. Here and there, I'd wish I did when I see a group of folks just out and about, but I'm being patient. Obviously, I can't just wish and not do anything so meeting possibly two people this weekend and see how that goes. I might see Hot Fuzz with one of them but still trying to finalize it. And Saturday, maybe explore the museums. I've been here four months and have yet to set foot at any. I've hit the bars and clubs but those doesn't really count, does it?

My dad's gonna be in NC next week for my cousin's graduation. I probably won't go, I kinda forgot all about it after the aunt who I've been talking to kinda went off the radar. It's a 6-hr drive and doubt I'd be up for it. There's gonna be a wedding this summer too but it's in Atlanta so doubt I'd go to that one either. My dad doesn't even know my mom's coming to the States. I MIGHT pick her up from Cali to Florida but will see how that'll go. Oh wow, that's coming up soon.

Enough

Since moving here in NoVa, I've been asked mostly by cashiers what i am. With some, I find it funny when they say they can tell by the eyes. The homeless lady, she cracked me up when she said it's because of my chinky eyes (I'm sure she didn't mean it in a bad way).

Last Monday, I got asked about where I was from twice at two different stores. The first one kinda argued about it with me coz I told her the Philippines. I mentioned that I grew up there though my dad is black. As if I wasn't aware, I don't look black she was insisting that I can't be from there since I'm black. I mentioned that I'm mixed and I think kinda offended her when I said I might look black, but I'm not. I guess to a point that might seem racist since some folks might think I'm disowning my blackness. But what can I do really? Granted I lived in Florida for two years, I feel like I'm lying when I say I was from there when I'm well aware that I just lived there. Sometimes I think I just should to just not deal with the questions. The second girl, she just accepted what I said, and even thanked me in Tagalog on my way out. Dunno what really prompted the question.

Even with ethnicity in questionnaires, I still have an issue checking off which. I can check off Asian but I really don't look like it, I can check off Black but I don't feel like I am one, if that makes sense. I'm not one more than the other. I used to think why couldn't have I just looked like the rest when growing up. It would have been easier, but being mixed, people kinda had a higher expectation of me, even my mom. You can't mess up, it's enough that you were left behind by a foreign father, you gotta do better. I used to feel like the picture, but not anymore.


I'm working the late shift since my coworker had a medical appointment to go to. Everybody pretty much left around 6, so I'm all by myself at the office. I like it like this sometimes, nobody but me so I come in 20 mins before my shift starts sometimes. I usually laugh it off as far as my race and whatnot, but just got to thinking about it tonight.

Not black enough to be black, not filipino enough for Filipino. I guess I can just be me, and that should be enough.

I'm bald again

It's Tuesday now as I finish writing this. Was meaning to write all morning but got sidetracked with all the people calling *shocks

 

It was a good weekend. It apparently was nice up here in DC but I found out a little bit too late. I've made plans to make my way back to Hampton, which is a three-hour drive which as some of you would know where I used to live unitl December during my time in the military. I really haven't gone back since I left, but lately I kinda felt the need to come back to something familiar even for a little bit. I really wouldn't say that it was homesickness since my time there wasn't really the greatest, partly due to me as well and some things that went on.

I actually stayed at M-'s house whom I dated late '06. We dated for like three weeks but with me getting out of the military, being undecided what to do next, it kinda made things complicated and it sorta fizzled. He thought I didn't like him, which I did but I was confused about what my next step will be so kinda let if fall by the wayside eventhough I was starting to develop feelings for him. 

I made my drive straight after work last Friday and it was crrrrazy. Took me an hour to drive 20 miles, getting away from the NoVA area. I didn't get to where I needed to go 'til about 2015 (8:15 pm for you civilian folks kidding!!) I was a bit tired but I was glad I made the trip. I got a bit nostalgic driving down the streets I used to drive in, and the sunset was just amazing. It just had the perfect shade of orange and I was just in awe looking at it from the rear view mirror. Things appear bigger that way too. M- has three labradors, and I kinda missed those dogs too. I didn't know what to get for him, so I ended up getting some squeaky toys for the dogs instead and none for him. I seriously didn't know what to get. I suck at gift-giving. I didn't realize how cute those toys were, I was wanting to keep one for me.

I got there, and after freshening up a bit, we stepped out and went to the Ghent area. I loved this area since they have an independent theater and video rental store that I used to go to. Getting to watch some indie films, and brit sitcoms The Vicar of Dibley, the Peep Show, etc. We went to a Texas grill place and just caught up on what each other has been up to, etc. The topic of us came up eventually and we were able to talk about it. How it just sorta passively ended leaving both of us not in the know of what actually happened. We've both moved on but I did miss him for a bit, just laughing with him, talking with him. I pretty much told him how I felt. I know it's past but I think we both needed that conversation, call it closure if you will. He told me he was glad to hear those things, coz I did let him know I reconsidered staying in the area after I've met him. 2006 wasn't the greatest to be honest, I had a hard time making friends, and with the deaths in the family, seeing them and having to come back to aloneness, it got the best of me. I pulled away from everybody, resurfacing in the world for a bit of air, then sinking back down. Towards the end, I liked it a bit more living in Hampton after having met M-. I'd go to work smiling, having someone to look forward to seeing. Ah well, that's the past. What can you do but move forward.

 

This drink he had me try was actually good. Instead of ordering just margarita, you can ask for margarita vodka or vodka margarita, with no salt. He told me instead of using tequila, they would use vodka instead. Either vodka margarita or margarita vodka, I seriously don't remember haha. What I know about alcohol is pretty much limited. I use the bathroom like crazy when I drink so guess that's good my system flushes it right out.

 

Saturday, it's more of a lazy day and we went to an Italian place and had calzone. It's been my favorite ever since I got to eat it the first time back in Oct when we had it when I first met M-. We just went to the mall and walked around, and we were gonna see Grindhouse but it wasn't playing until 10 pm. The alergy pill made us both tired so we just left and went back to his place. Stopping by Naro in between, grabbing some Dairy Queen shake thinking it'll wake us up, and the rental store to get some movies. Got Shortbus and Monsters Inc since he hasn't seen either one. I haven't seen Shortbus, and now that I have I really can't say that I like it or not. I don't know what to think of it really. He just stayed in, while I got ready to meet out with my friend MJ-. I haven't seen her since I left so it was good catching up again after all this time. We just went to a club and danced around mostly. Boy, were we drenched. The club was packed and we felt like dancing after just watching people dance for an hour. We left a little bit after they stopped serving alcohol but I sat around for a bit to sober up. Not that I had that many drinks. I had maybe three!? But I tend to drink them like soda, drink it right up in like 5 minutes. I didn't get back to M's place til like 4 since I got lost. MJ- told me to make a right turn at this one street. I remembered the street name but not which way to take so made a left and just kept on going....and going...and going. After stopping at a gas station, I just looked up the directions and find my way back in no time. Got McDonald's pancake and sausage yummmm.. Good thing the woman didn't hear me the first time I ordered and asked for a sausage muffin, but seeing that they had pancakes, I remembered how much I liked it. When I was working at McDonald's, I'd order pancakes and sausage for dinner. I just love pancakes, I eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I get in the mood. I didn't use syrup until moving to the U.S. though. What we did is put sugar, and evaporated milk on it instead of butter and syrup. I didn't even know what syrups were.

 

Didn't wake up 'til 10 and we planned on having brunch at least, MJ-, M- and I but that didn't happen. M- sister was gonna come by around noon to go some music and arts show they had in DC, and MJ- was gonna go to a birthday party of the boy she babysits. I messaged my other friend J- and asked if he was busy. I was planning to just have short brunch with him but we ended up just sitting there for like three hours, shooting the breeze and talking. I kinda stopped e-mailing him after having moved here, just questioning some things. Eventhough we've become good friends, how I met him was kinda shady since he pretended to be somebody else. He thought I was cheating with his bf so he used a pseudonym trying to get information from me. He asked if I go to a site called adam4adam which I never heard of until he mentioned it teehee. He explained everything to me later on and it really didn't bother me, or I thought it didn't.

 

I guess I do trust easily but I really can't not to. I've met some people that are just cynical, realistic maybe but I can't not trust. I can't go through life thinking something bad is going to happen, and that I can't trust people in this time and age. I've been wronged but that won't stop me from believing that of the good out there. There's so much goodness around, but people tend to focus on the wrongs. Maybe it's just because nothing major has happened to me yet to make me think otherwise. I've just always relied on people's kindness, and I think to an extent, you get what you put out in the universe. Teehee, you get what you put out. But joking aside, I really rely on strangers navigating through this life. I always think back when I was 16, lost in Tallahassee trying to find my way back to the FSU campus. I was waving people down (back when I didn't know what the hitchhiking sign was) but eventually just came up to one car and took my chances. Knocking on the poor guy's window, asking him if he can take me to FSU since I can't find my way around and I needed to be back in 15 minutes or I won't graduate from the Boys State program. He did gave me ride, and eventhough I took his name down, didn't really get to send him a thank you note or anything. That has been five years ago, and since then I've done the same. I've given rides to folks, a woman who I gave a ride since it'll be pointless waiting for the bus for like half an hour, a couple who managed the Bailey and Barnum circus who bought an LCD TV and instead of having to walk a mile or two to get to their train right next to the train station. The guy actually told me to give them a call and offered to tour me around, show me the animals, and get me in to the show for free. Did I go? No. But regardless, doing these things really doesn't take much out of one's time. I just try do my part when I see someone who needs a little help, remembering what it was like when I was in their shoes, that it was a random act of a stranger that made all the difference, whether they realize it or not.

 

And I was just writing about the weekend. Went a little off but after talking with J- for a few hours, I had to make my way back. He told me not to write about what happened next when we were by our cars shooting the breeze. A bird did a kamikaze attack on him. He's giving me a hard time over something, and out of nowhere you just see this mass just fall right on his forehead. That was the funniest thing, seeing the whole thing unfold.

 

I made it home 3 1/2 hours later. Got showered, tried shaving and messed up my moustache, I shaved off a bit more than I intended making it look like a triangle. So just shaved it all off, it feels weird not having it since I look different. A little bit later, after watching Planet Earth, I got the urge to shave my hair so now I'm bald again, or skinhead a better term.