They probably think I've been smoking some joint here at work since I've been a scatterbrain these past few days. Today, I tried calling a customer back. Instead of asking for the person I needed to talk to, I told the guy who picked up:
___ Helpdesk. This is Kris speaking. How can I help you?
I realized it after the fact and asked nonchalantly for the customer. My boss did a double take and came back to see if she did hear what she thought she did. She just laughed and told me to lay off the doobie.
20 September 2007
19 September 2007
It's not for me...
Ok, I don't even remember what I did Friday but Saturday, it was actually Gay Days over at King's Dominion. Cs- and I ended up going along with a friend of ours. Earlier the day, we went to iHop and just ate there since I didn't feel like making one really what has become a staple weekend breakfast: fried eggs (always sunny side up for me), sausage, pancakes and juice.
After breakfast, we stopped by Barnes and Noble while we were waiting for our friend so that we can go to Ikea. We had to go get a chair changed since one of it's parts wasn't the right one, and to return a little cabinet we were going to try to use as a nightstand.
After that, we just went back to the house and played Wii for a bit which by the way is amazing! It is real fun to play! Like I mentioned, it was Gay Days over at King's Dominion. We got there around 8 and stayed 'til 1 am. I tried a bunch of rides and I came to a realization that roller coasters and such aren't my thing. Of course, I gave it a chance but it's not for me. I got on the rides: Shockwave, Drop Zone (which I just found out today was the largest drop ride in the US), and Rebel Yell where we rode backwards the whole time. Most of these rides, I just kept my eyes shut. What did me in was the Tomb Raider: Firefall. After the ride, I had to rush out since I had to throw up. It had us dangling head first, and it just was spinning us upside down. We were gonna go ride the Volcano but the Tomb Raider was the last for me, possibly ever. I can say I've tried rides but it doesn't do anything for me, and there's nothing wrong with it.
Sunday, we mostly hang around the house and did some cleaning. I was supposed to go see my mom but ended up not going since I didn't wake up 'til 11. Of course, she wasn't too happy which she let known during our phone conversation which ended up lasting for an hour and a half. I get hurt with some of the things she says sometimes, but I'm trying to be understanding. She gets upset when I don't visit, but when I do, she ends up taking out her frustrations on me which can be rough. To make it up, I went and visited her for a few hours last Tuesday. We had a great time, walked around Target and took her shopping for some winter clothes. It was nice, we were laughing and everything walking around the store just like the old days. I try to always tell her that eventhough things aren't completely like they used to be, that doesn't mean I love her a little less. I might have said that it was less because some of the things she said really stung. Somehow me being gay comes up and every issue that they're having with me stems from the fact. But anyway, she even helped me pick out some things to put on the wall since ours is bare right now. But will see how it'll look though, since the decorations have gold frames and our furnitures are all black brown which by the way are a bitch to keep clean. Dusts just appear everyday!!!
Wednesday, just went home and made spaghetti with Ikea meatballs which is awesome. Well my cooking too *grins Just watched Kathy Griffin's dvd and that's about it. After that, and watching some My Name Is Earl, Cs- and I both passed out by 8:30. Woke up at 11:30, put the food on the fridge and ended up staying awake 'til about 2 or 3. Just reread a book about the Spice Girls. Yay, I'm excited. Oct 1's coming up, and I better get a ticket, I pray to God and the heavens above.
Thursday, Cs- and I got to see Resident Evil Extinction. I got tickets for a free screening. For those of you who live in major cities, lookie here to see if they have your city listed. It was a good movie, I thought. There was a scene where it's not supposed to be funny but people started laughing. I giggled which I tend to do when folks around me laugh. It was entertaining. I was starving since we didn't get to eat beforehand so just went to McDonald's. Got my order wrong, but am not one to make a fuss and we were home already anyways so just ate it. Had a hot fudge sundae. Heaven! And tried watching My Name Is Earl but ended up laying in bed and passing out in no time.
Today, 34 more mins before I go. Not sure what we're doing yet. Maybe go see the Bodies Exhibit tomorrow. I can just stay home and I'll be alright but the others won't (T_T) I never got to write about it but we went to Baltimore and loved it. The atmosphere was just so nice. We walked around the Harborplace and checked out some stores, ate at The Cheesecake Factory (my first time) and watched a live concert. The concert was lovely, people of all ages were just singing and dancing along. The kids were just so cute dancing, some even doing Beyonce moves. The vibe was just great. Definitely a night I'll never forget.
After breakfast, we stopped by Barnes and Noble while we were waiting for our friend so that we can go to Ikea. We had to go get a chair changed since one of it's parts wasn't the right one, and to return a little cabinet we were going to try to use as a nightstand.
After that, we just went back to the house and played Wii for a bit which by the way is amazing! It is real fun to play! Like I mentioned, it was Gay Days over at King's Dominion. We got there around 8 and stayed 'til 1 am. I tried a bunch of rides and I came to a realization that roller coasters and such aren't my thing. Of course, I gave it a chance but it's not for me. I got on the rides: Shockwave, Drop Zone (which I just found out today was the largest drop ride in the US), and Rebel Yell where we rode backwards the whole time. Most of these rides, I just kept my eyes shut. What did me in was the Tomb Raider: Firefall. After the ride, I had to rush out since I had to throw up. It had us dangling head first, and it just was spinning us upside down. We were gonna go ride the Volcano but the Tomb Raider was the last for me, possibly ever. I can say I've tried rides but it doesn't do anything for me, and there's nothing wrong with it.
Sunday, we mostly hang around the house and did some cleaning. I was supposed to go see my mom but ended up not going since I didn't wake up 'til 11. Of course, she wasn't too happy which she let known during our phone conversation which ended up lasting for an hour and a half. I get hurt with some of the things she says sometimes, but I'm trying to be understanding. She gets upset when I don't visit, but when I do, she ends up taking out her frustrations on me which can be rough. To make it up, I went and visited her for a few hours last Tuesday. We had a great time, walked around Target and took her shopping for some winter clothes. It was nice, we were laughing and everything walking around the store just like the old days. I try to always tell her that eventhough things aren't completely like they used to be, that doesn't mean I love her a little less. I might have said that it was less because some of the things she said really stung. Somehow me being gay comes up and every issue that they're having with me stems from the fact. But anyway, she even helped me pick out some things to put on the wall since ours is bare right now. But will see how it'll look though, since the decorations have gold frames and our furnitures are all black brown which by the way are a bitch to keep clean. Dusts just appear everyday!!!
Wednesday, just went home and made spaghetti with Ikea meatballs which is awesome. Well my cooking too *grins Just watched Kathy Griffin's dvd and that's about it. After that, and watching some My Name Is Earl, Cs- and I both passed out by 8:30. Woke up at 11:30, put the food on the fridge and ended up staying awake 'til about 2 or 3. Just reread a book about the Spice Girls. Yay, I'm excited. Oct 1's coming up, and I better get a ticket, I pray to God and the heavens above.
Thursday, Cs- and I got to see Resident Evil Extinction. I got tickets for a free screening. For those of you who live in major cities, lookie here to see if they have your city listed. It was a good movie, I thought. There was a scene where it's not supposed to be funny but people started laughing. I giggled which I tend to do when folks around me laugh. It was entertaining. I was starving since we didn't get to eat beforehand so just went to McDonald's. Got my order wrong, but am not one to make a fuss and we were home already anyways so just ate it. Had a hot fudge sundae. Heaven! And tried watching My Name Is Earl but ended up laying in bed and passing out in no time.
Today, 34 more mins before I go. Not sure what we're doing yet. Maybe go see the Bodies Exhibit tomorrow. I can just stay home and I'll be alright but the others won't (T_T) I never got to write about it but we went to Baltimore and loved it. The atmosphere was just so nice. We walked around the Harborplace and checked out some stores, ate at The Cheesecake Factory (my first time) and watched a live concert. The concert was lovely, people of all ages were just singing and dancing along. The kids were just so cute dancing, some even doing Beyonce moves. The vibe was just great. Definitely a night I'll never forget.
11 September 2007
It's the craaabshack
The bf's actually out of town since he's attending a training for his new job. He's only in Rockville though which is 30 minutes away. The company paid for their lodging since it's a training for new employees from different regions. Dropped him off Sunday night, and managed to get lost on my way home. I ended up going through Georgetown and Dupont Circle before finally getting home. Didn't fall asleep 'til about 1 am, just thinking about things. How I've fucked up mostly in the almost three months we've been together. I say some things sometimes without first thinking it through, hurting him in the process. Not usually directed to him but things I say to other people when I get flirty.
Our weekend was good for the most part. We just lounged around the house 'til about 4 Saturday and stepped out to go to Outback since he's never been before. It was nice, we were there for a good two - three hours just sitting and talking. Touching up on when we met for the first time, things we've gone through in the past few months that sometimes it feels we've been together for a lifetime. I got close to giving up actually, twice and I guess I do get scared in a way and rather than going through the hard stuff, I tried to leave and just not deal with whatever was going on. It just seems like it was too early for us to have gone through the things we did. I'll admit I do have issues I'm dealing with, and I sense there's a change where I'm not quite who I used to be in a way. Maybe one day I can put it into words what I'm trying to say.
Sunday, we went to the Outdoor festival at Adams Morgan which was really fun. Street vendors, music playing, dancing and some art sellers. It was nice, I even ran into a friend unexpectedly which was funny. I texted her saying I'm at the festival as well. It was a few blocks at least, and I sorta didn't think I'd run into her and yet when we were going towards the end of the street, who would I see walking right past me!!? We spoke for a bit, and I introduced Cs- to her and her bf and vice versa. I didn't say bf though. We've never talked about it so it's never come up that I'm gay but she might be able to put two and two together. If she asks, I'd tell her but otherwise there just haven't been a reason to tell her. I've only seen her a few times since December and yet we've kept in contact at least.
Like I mentioned, the Cs- is in Rockville and I ended up making my way there to bring him some tee-shirts since he had business clothes but not regular ones to just relax in. At first, I was a bit upset since I sorta had the mindset that I wasn't going to be doing ANYTHING, not one thing. I could have seen my mom but I didn't since I needed some alone time. While at the house, was listening to Annie Lennox and seeing her perform No More I Love You's, got me crying a bit. Some songs just do that to me. So I took a shower and made my way to Rockville. During the drive though, listened to more upbeat songs so that changed my mood. That, and texting back and forth to my friend Jim who's in Florida. He makes me laugh.
I got to Gaithersburg where they went for dinner, and met up with Cs- at Joe's Crabshack. At first, I was just gonna drop his things off and drive right back but he said how I should stop by and have a drink or something at least. I ended up saying yes since it really couldn't hurt if I do. I was a bit nervous since he had a guy and a girl from training with him, Dg- and Cml-. After a while though, I eased up and got into the conversations. The first thing they told me upon sitting down at the table was that they were talking about me, and in my head I just went "Oh shit." Somehow when I hear that, I automatically assume bad things were said about me which actually isn't the case. We sat there and just talked about random things. Cs- is good in steering the convo, and I guess when I ease up, I do okay. It was fun, we talked abou relationships, work, commercials, and the wonders of iPhone which by the way is amazing. I might give in eventually but right now, I'm alright with the phone I got. I was saying how us four should get together again even when they start their jobs which will be nice. Cs- later told me they thought I was a cool guy so glad about that. He told them that I told him they were fun and that we should hang out. Yay :)
After eating, we just went back to the hotel and talked while sorta watching Food Network. I stayed 'til about 9:30 pm since I wanted to go get some rest. Bid goodnight, and ended up sitting in the car with Cs- and just talked for a bit. Drove home, that if after managing to get lost and freaking out a bit since the gas was close to running empty. I made it home though whew and really didn't get to clean like I was kinda hoping to do. It was a good day over all and am glad how it ended on a good note.
Oh, I also got some prints of pictures when we stayed overnight by a bay in California back in 2003 when I just joined the Air Force. I took a week off to try to get my license but of course, I didn't :P It was my first time getting to have roasted marshmallows. The pictures just make me smile, and with some it made me say Wow, I really look like my dad since I really don't think we do, despite of being told otherwise by just about every people we've met.
Well, I went over my lunchtime by half an hour hehe. Toodles and have a good Tuesday!
Our weekend was good for the most part. We just lounged around the house 'til about 4 Saturday and stepped out to go to Outback since he's never been before. It was nice, we were there for a good two - three hours just sitting and talking. Touching up on when we met for the first time, things we've gone through in the past few months that sometimes it feels we've been together for a lifetime. I got close to giving up actually, twice and I guess I do get scared in a way and rather than going through the hard stuff, I tried to leave and just not deal with whatever was going on. It just seems like it was too early for us to have gone through the things we did. I'll admit I do have issues I'm dealing with, and I sense there's a change where I'm not quite who I used to be in a way. Maybe one day I can put it into words what I'm trying to say.
Sunday, we went to the Outdoor festival at Adams Morgan which was really fun. Street vendors, music playing, dancing and some art sellers. It was nice, I even ran into a friend unexpectedly which was funny. I texted her saying I'm at the festival as well. It was a few blocks at least, and I sorta didn't think I'd run into her and yet when we were going towards the end of the street, who would I see walking right past me!!? We spoke for a bit, and I introduced Cs- to her and her bf and vice versa. I didn't say bf though. We've never talked about it so it's never come up that I'm gay but she might be able to put two and two together. If she asks, I'd tell her but otherwise there just haven't been a reason to tell her. I've only seen her a few times since December and yet we've kept in contact at least.
Like I mentioned, the Cs- is in Rockville and I ended up making my way there to bring him some tee-shirts since he had business clothes but not regular ones to just relax in. At first, I was a bit upset since I sorta had the mindset that I wasn't going to be doing ANYTHING, not one thing. I could have seen my mom but I didn't since I needed some alone time. While at the house, was listening to Annie Lennox and seeing her perform No More I Love You's, got me crying a bit. Some songs just do that to me. So I took a shower and made my way to Rockville. During the drive though, listened to more upbeat songs so that changed my mood. That, and texting back and forth to my friend Jim who's in Florida. He makes me laugh.
I got to Gaithersburg where they went for dinner, and met up with Cs- at Joe's Crabshack. At first, I was just gonna drop his things off and drive right back but he said how I should stop by and have a drink or something at least. I ended up saying yes since it really couldn't hurt if I do. I was a bit nervous since he had a guy and a girl from training with him, Dg- and Cml-. After a while though, I eased up and got into the conversations. The first thing they told me upon sitting down at the table was that they were talking about me, and in my head I just went "Oh shit." Somehow when I hear that, I automatically assume bad things were said about me which actually isn't the case. We sat there and just talked about random things. Cs- is good in steering the convo, and I guess when I ease up, I do okay. It was fun, we talked abou relationships, work, commercials, and the wonders of iPhone which by the way is amazing. I might give in eventually but right now, I'm alright with the phone I got. I was saying how us four should get together again even when they start their jobs which will be nice. Cs- later told me they thought I was a cool guy so glad about that. He told them that I told him they were fun and that we should hang out. Yay :)
After eating, we just went back to the hotel and talked while sorta watching Food Network. I stayed 'til about 9:30 pm since I wanted to go get some rest. Bid goodnight, and ended up sitting in the car with Cs- and just talked for a bit. Drove home, that if after managing to get lost and freaking out a bit since the gas was close to running empty. I made it home though whew and really didn't get to clean like I was kinda hoping to do. It was a good day over all and am glad how it ended on a good note.
Oh, I also got some prints of pictures when we stayed overnight by a bay in California back in 2003 when I just joined the Air Force. I took a week off to try to get my license but of course, I didn't :P It was my first time getting to have roasted marshmallows. The pictures just make me smile, and with some it made me say Wow, I really look like my dad since I really don't think we do, despite of being told otherwise by just about every people we've met.
Well, I went over my lunchtime by half an hour hehe. Toodles and have a good Tuesday!
05 September 2007
Catching up
Ok, I was midway through a post and I'm not sure what happened but it's all gone (T_T) I started it during my lunch break but now while installing a software on somebody's machine, I'll go ahead and post.
It's really been a mix these past few weeks so will just touch up on it briefly. Since the last post, I've been playing kickball on Sunday afternoon which has been really fun. It brings me back to when I was a kid and loved kickball every minute of it. Not having a care in the world even for a bit and just focus on the game. We haven't won any games yet but it's otayyy, I don't mind it really whether we win or not, coz at the end of the day, would it really matter? Maybe to some, but for me, it's all in the spirit of fun. I've met some pretty cool folks as well. Also after the games, we make our way out to a bar and go drinking. I've learned new things too, I never knew what beer pong and flip cup were, but now I do :D Been getting a bit buzzed on Sundays which isn't too bad since I really haven't been going out as much.
Mom's doing alright. She's adjusting more and more living in the US. It's been a bit hard for her since after being here for close to three months, she is yet to get a job. She's still waiting to get a SSN which should happen soon. She went to the SS office yesterday and just applied for a new one. Of course, she got found out that she applied for one back in June. She explained to the man the situation though, that she's never heard back from them and that it really shouldn't take that long to get one. After which, the man just went ahead and took her application and some documents to get her processed. She'll come back Friday and should get a number at least which she really needs to be able to do anything. I'm glad that she's finally gonna get it since she's been a bit down because of not being able to work which she wanted to do after getting here. With her not working, it also gives her too much time on her hands which kinda sucks so when idle, you tend to just think about things and brood over them. I feel bad sometimes, but ya know, I was telling her it's all part of moving to a new city or country even. It gets lonely since you're taken out of everything familiar and put into a completely different place, devoid of all things you've known and people you love. It does get better, sooner or later, you'll start to build a new life and find friends to care about. It takes a while sometimes but it happens, you just have to be patient and have faith. It was rough but it's all part of the process. Process of what, I can't tell you.
The bf has been great. He's what I was looking for in a boyfriend without realizing it. Someone sweet, smart, caring, has a good heard on his shoulders. Someone I can laugh with, goof off with, and dance around with and sing in the car with :D Time for me to go home. Rather than saving this for later, I'll go ahead and post so to be sure I can go back and finish it...
It's really been a mix these past few weeks so will just touch up on it briefly. Since the last post, I've been playing kickball on Sunday afternoon which has been really fun. It brings me back to when I was a kid and loved kickball every minute of it. Not having a care in the world even for a bit and just focus on the game. We haven't won any games yet but it's otayyy, I don't mind it really whether we win or not, coz at the end of the day, would it really matter? Maybe to some, but for me, it's all in the spirit of fun. I've met some pretty cool folks as well. Also after the games, we make our way out to a bar and go drinking. I've learned new things too, I never knew what beer pong and flip cup were, but now I do :D Been getting a bit buzzed on Sundays which isn't too bad since I really haven't been going out as much.
Mom's doing alright. She's adjusting more and more living in the US. It's been a bit hard for her since after being here for close to three months, she is yet to get a job. She's still waiting to get a SSN which should happen soon. She went to the SS office yesterday and just applied for a new one. Of course, she got found out that she applied for one back in June. She explained to the man the situation though, that she's never heard back from them and that it really shouldn't take that long to get one. After which, the man just went ahead and took her application and some documents to get her processed. She'll come back Friday and should get a number at least which she really needs to be able to do anything. I'm glad that she's finally gonna get it since she's been a bit down because of not being able to work which she wanted to do after getting here. With her not working, it also gives her too much time on her hands which kinda sucks so when idle, you tend to just think about things and brood over them. I feel bad sometimes, but ya know, I was telling her it's all part of moving to a new city or country even. It gets lonely since you're taken out of everything familiar and put into a completely different place, devoid of all things you've known and people you love. It does get better, sooner or later, you'll start to build a new life and find friends to care about. It takes a while sometimes but it happens, you just have to be patient and have faith. It was rough but it's all part of the process. Process of what, I can't tell you.
The bf has been great. He's what I was looking for in a boyfriend without realizing it. Someone sweet, smart, caring, has a good heard on his shoulders. Someone I can laugh with, goof off with, and dance around with and sing in the car with :D Time for me to go home. Rather than saving this for later, I'll go ahead and post so to be sure I can go back and finish it...
17 August 2007
Don't forget to bring a towel!
Well, it's Friday so it's a bit quiet at least. I stumbled across the South Park Studio and made this. Wanna go get high!!?16 August 2007
Things That Bring Me Joy
- blast my favorite music
- wathching movie at the house with Cs
- having a home-made breakfast on Sundays
- snuggling in my blanket
- reading a good book
- drinking beer and munching on chips
- a compliment from someone
- when told I make people smile
- Cs- to go home to at the end of the day
- having my mom finally in the US
- when I don't have to think about what I'm making for dinner
- having Cs- rest his head on my arms when we're at the park
- singing along with Cs- when driving on the top of our lungs
- being comforted by silence
- talking to my family and friends on the phone
- reading up about my friends' lives
- meeting a blogger in person
- coldstone ice cream
- getting moved to tears by Rilkean Heart
- Spice Girls ( yea, yea, I admit to this)
- watching my fave shows on DVD ie. Strangers with Candy, Arrested Development, amongst others
- bloggers going to mine and actually commenting
- getting to live here in DC
- having a decent job and coworkers I love
- smiling at strangers
- when I look good hahaha!
- getting to see Keane in concert
- eating cookies and cream
- a kiss from Cs-
- Cs to hug when I feel a bit off
- being free to decide
- being loved despite of
- doing good for others and not be found out
- being alive, eventhough I get times where I'd prefer the alternative
- wathching movie at the house with Cs
- having a home-made breakfast on Sundays
- snuggling in my blanket
- reading a good book
- drinking beer and munching on chips
- a compliment from someone
- when told I make people smile
- Cs- to go home to at the end of the day
- having my mom finally in the US
- when I don't have to think about what I'm making for dinner
- having Cs- rest his head on my arms when we're at the park
- singing along with Cs- when driving on the top of our lungs
- being comforted by silence
- talking to my family and friends on the phone
- reading up about my friends' lives
- meeting a blogger in person
- coldstone ice cream
- getting moved to tears by Rilkean Heart
- Spice Girls ( yea, yea, I admit to this)
- watching my fave shows on DVD ie. Strangers with Candy, Arrested Development, amongst others
- bloggers going to mine and actually commenting
- getting to live here in DC
- having a decent job and coworkers I love
- smiling at strangers
- when I look good hahaha!
- getting to see Keane in concert
- eating cookies and cream
- a kiss from Cs-
- Cs to hug when I feel a bit off
- being free to decide
- being loved despite of
- doing good for others and not be found out
- being alive, eventhough I get times where I'd prefer the alternative
Good grief
It's been almost two months since my mom applied for her SSN, and we haven't received it yet. We came by the office and tried showing them that they have her green card showing she's eligible to work in the US. They said they'd have to wait from the Dept of Homeland Security and all we can do is wait. It kinda sucks since she started training at Shoppers this past Tuesday but today, when she went to attend another session, she was told they'd have to put it on hold until she gets her SSN. It sucks but nothing we can really do. And to think, she's all excited about working but now, I'm trying to find things for her to do. Volunteering at the most since she can't work period.
Aside from that, everything's been good otherwise. I'm improving on the opening up aspect with my loved ones. Last night, Cs- and I were just sitting on the couch talking. Had his head on my lap and just stroking his hair, and just talking with whatever comes to mind. Things that I've done, what my motivation was behind them, amongst other things.
I actually dozed off while we were watching Family Guy, then woke back up and then minutes later, mom called. I was gonna have her spend the night at our place, but she didn't get in 'til 7 pm after spending the day with some folks she met. They went to a church out in NW DC which I've never gone to but she said it is lovely. It's a basilica of some sort. Ended up being on the phone for three hours while I did the dishes, organized the fridge, and swept and mopped around the apartment. Touched up on a lot of things, family, homosexuality, change, acceptance, topics that just randomly come up in our heads. I've opened up enough to where I explained to her how hurt I was of some of her actions, and vice versa. I told her that the month of July was just awful that I'm glad it's over. It really was that two days before my birthday, I had to go behind a scaffolding and just cry it all out for a good 10 mins. God it was awful. It wasn't really something I wasn't blogging about it either so just having to holding it all in and having nowhere to run to, it all came rushing that one morning.
Things have gotten better and who knows what tomorrow will bring really. D-man, thanks for the grain of wisdom. I sure used that during the convo, telling my mom that I'm not responsible for her happiness :) I think she got it though that it comes down to her whether she chooses to be happy or not. From what I've read, it mentioned how one should strive to be happy, because if you wake up and you're not, there's something to be done about that. I don't think we were born into this world to endure pain and suffering, I know shit happens, but it's up to us to find things that bring us joy. Easier said than done but hey, we weren't born with a handbook.
That's about it really. Thinking of joining a kickball league on the weekends, just something to do and considering I missed playing the game. Ah, the good ole days. Playing kickball wearing flip flops, and at times when you miss kickingng the ball, it'll be the flip flop flying in the air, not the ball like it oughta. Oh De, where have you gone?
Aside from that, everything's been good otherwise. I'm improving on the opening up aspect with my loved ones. Last night, Cs- and I were just sitting on the couch talking. Had his head on my lap and just stroking his hair, and just talking with whatever comes to mind. Things that I've done, what my motivation was behind them, amongst other things.
I actually dozed off while we were watching Family Guy, then woke back up and then minutes later, mom called. I was gonna have her spend the night at our place, but she didn't get in 'til 7 pm after spending the day with some folks she met. They went to a church out in NW DC which I've never gone to but she said it is lovely. It's a basilica of some sort. Ended up being on the phone for three hours while I did the dishes, organized the fridge, and swept and mopped around the apartment. Touched up on a lot of things, family, homosexuality, change, acceptance, topics that just randomly come up in our heads. I've opened up enough to where I explained to her how hurt I was of some of her actions, and vice versa. I told her that the month of July was just awful that I'm glad it's over. It really was that two days before my birthday, I had to go behind a scaffolding and just cry it all out for a good 10 mins. God it was awful. It wasn't really something I wasn't blogging about it either so just having to holding it all in and having nowhere to run to, it all came rushing that one morning.
Things have gotten better and who knows what tomorrow will bring really. D-man, thanks for the grain of wisdom. I sure used that during the convo, telling my mom that I'm not responsible for her happiness :) I think she got it though that it comes down to her whether she chooses to be happy or not. From what I've read, it mentioned how one should strive to be happy, because if you wake up and you're not, there's something to be done about that. I don't think we were born into this world to endure pain and suffering, I know shit happens, but it's up to us to find things that bring us joy. Easier said than done but hey, we weren't born with a handbook.
That's about it really. Thinking of joining a kickball league on the weekends, just something to do and considering I missed playing the game. Ah, the good ole days. Playing kickball wearing flip flops, and at times when you miss kickingng the ball, it'll be the flip flop flying in the air, not the ball like it oughta. Oh De, where have you gone?
14 August 2007
Return to innocence...
It'll be a month today since my mom arrived here in DC and this pic was taken when we got to the apartment.Last Thursday, the bf and I went over to my friend/coworker V's house. I was supposed to meet up with a friend but I ended up cancelling and just chose to go to V's. They live about 20 minutes away so it wasn't too bad of a drive. I got to meet her family, mom, dad?, brother and her son that just came back from Georgia I believe. It was nice just spending time with them, laughing, chatting, and eating, things I normally do with my family. V's son is adorable, I can see why she missed him so much. It's cute how when we just got there, he just looked at us and really didn't talk to us until after V- introduced us to him.
She told us that he doesn't talk to strangers but since she introduced us, it's all good now. It's funny how he grabbed mine and Cs- hands and took us around the house to show us around like he has known us for a long time. I went to a kid mode and played with him for a bit, running around the house playing a zombie, a power ranger even. Later on, we just had dinner and they made banana pudding for dessert and man, it was goood. Last time I had some was back in 2003 so it sure was a treat. I really enjoyed their company and I was goofy enough that while putting some in my plate, V asked me if I liked it. I said that No, I don't really like it much while grabbing the big spoon and putting even more servings on my plate. Hey, it was good and I can't help it. It really was nice, though during the time there, a bit of sadness came over me. Sitting there, it made me miss my family since that's how we are when we get together. It's been a little bit over a year since I last saw them, and as to when the next time will be, I do not know.
I didn't get to see my mom this weekend since I got lazy and when I called her, she didn't pick up which means she's out and about. I'll go see her today after getting off though so looking forward to that. It hasn't changed much, when we talk on the phone we'd fight one minute, cry the next then laugh before you know it. Last night, she called around 11 and I ended up talking to her for an hour and a half, and to think she's only 20 minutes away! We just touch on the same things, family, loneliness, new beginnings. She's making strides though, barely a month here and she's made friends already while I on the other hand, took months.
Sometimes she'd say while crying that she wants the old Kris back, and I ask her which Kris exactly was that!?
She says I've changed so much which I agree but I tell her that after having lived by myself since I was 18, I had a lot of time to think over things. I'm working on making peace with everything that has happened, though the times when it all comes rushing back, I tend to lash out on people that I love. I guess with family ya know or wish in your heart, that they wouldn't stop loving you regardless. She feels that I don't love her any longer so instead of not telling her about this old dedication, I went ahead and e-mailed her the link. I don't think she'll know where to go after reading that post so don't think she'll actually read my blog. Or am I just misunderestimating her?
Anyway, heading home soon and will spend some time with mom and the bf. I know it doesn't sound like I am but am happy today. Who knows what tomorrow will be like but at this moment, I'm smiling and thankful for everything that's happened.
Been listening to this song a lot lately and makes me cry a bit Don't be afraid to be weak Don't be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence
08 August 2007
The past few weeks
Ok, I really haven't updated since last month. I've posted but it really didn't tell much since I've posted mostly songs or clips. As I've mentioned in an entry in July, my mom moved here to the DC area. I think I jinxed it when I said life was falling right into place, since it sorta turned into shit days after and it's just getting back to normal.
I really won't touch up on it since sometimes I wonder how it just went downhill days after I wrote that last post. It's been crazy but whether I see it as good or bad wouldn't matter since things happen.
It has been a mix really. I've been happy, sad, angry, confused and felt lost but I'm managing okay now. Things just got the best of me. Having to balance with my mom being here, and with the bf, it just felt like I had nowhere to go.
Mom's adjusting more now though and I think she's starting to accept that things won't be like they used to be. She came here thinking it'll just be like in Japan where we lived together and all. It's mostly fear though. When we talked about it one time, she was just saying that what she has feared the most is happening. That I'm gonna have someone else and not love her but I told her that it wasn't the case.
Even the family had a talk to her though how before, she was in the Philippines, she wanted to come to the US. Then she got to Florida, she wanted to be in VA closer to me. And now that she's here, she's not happy since we're not living together.
I'd have to say she's making strides though. She's been meeting people from groceries, stores and such. She'd spot a Filipino and end up chatting with them, and all. One time I talked to her, she made a snide comment how the couple she knew and her are in the same boat, abandoned by their child. I just had to bite my tongue and not say anything since I try to do good by her and she would say such things. I know she felt abandoned by the way things were when she came but I told her from the git go that it's different now.
Ok, Cs- and her have gotten along okay, and on my birthday I saw that my mom made effort to be cheery throughout. She's a fun woman to be around with, but when she whines I tend to forget the things I love about her and just makes me want to get away from her.
The bf and I have had rough spots as well. It felt like we've lived a lifetime already. I still have things I'm dealing with internally but I'm trying my best to be a good bf. Now though that love is standing in front of me, all these doubts and insecurities I have about myself creeps in sometimes. What is there to love about me? Why would someone want to be with me? Those kind of questions.
The weekend was good. Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from a friend, Deb inviting me to her birthday. I've only hang out with her once so we really don't know too much about each other. It was great though, we went to Cap City Brewing Co and had a bite to eat and some drinks. I ended up giving her The Reader. I thought it was a really good book, and in an e-mail once she mentioned that we have the same taste with movies and books so kinda took a chance on this one but am glad she's loved it, per her e-mail. I met a few of her friends as well, her bf and even her brother. I spoke with her bro for a bit and we touched on music, school, amongst other things. The talk with him made me reconsider my options once again.
Before meeting up with Deb, the bf and I actually saw The Ten. It only came out in selected theaters and that movie is a riot! They made short stories for each of the Ten Commandments, and it was hysterical. It involved naked men, puppets, the lying rhino and even Jesus, or should I say Hesus. After the dinner and drinking with Deb, I met up with the bf and our friend and just went dancing for a bit at this club called Aqua. It was fun, I had a few drinks and just danced to a few songs. The drinks didn't get me drunk much, bummer hahaha !
Gotta do work but will come back for more later. Wow, it felt good to write again!
I really won't touch up on it since sometimes I wonder how it just went downhill days after I wrote that last post. It's been crazy but whether I see it as good or bad wouldn't matter since things happen.
It has been a mix really. I've been happy, sad, angry, confused and felt lost but I'm managing okay now. Things just got the best of me. Having to balance with my mom being here, and with the bf, it just felt like I had nowhere to go.
Mom's adjusting more now though and I think she's starting to accept that things won't be like they used to be. She came here thinking it'll just be like in Japan where we lived together and all. It's mostly fear though. When we talked about it one time, she was just saying that what she has feared the most is happening. That I'm gonna have someone else and not love her but I told her that it wasn't the case.
Even the family had a talk to her though how before, she was in the Philippines, she wanted to come to the US. Then she got to Florida, she wanted to be in VA closer to me. And now that she's here, she's not happy since we're not living together.
I'd have to say she's making strides though. She's been meeting people from groceries, stores and such. She'd spot a Filipino and end up chatting with them, and all. One time I talked to her, she made a snide comment how the couple she knew and her are in the same boat, abandoned by their child. I just had to bite my tongue and not say anything since I try to do good by her and she would say such things. I know she felt abandoned by the way things were when she came but I told her from the git go that it's different now.
Ok, Cs- and her have gotten along okay, and on my birthday I saw that my mom made effort to be cheery throughout. She's a fun woman to be around with, but when she whines I tend to forget the things I love about her and just makes me want to get away from her.
The bf and I have had rough spots as well. It felt like we've lived a lifetime already. I still have things I'm dealing with internally but I'm trying my best to be a good bf. Now though that love is standing in front of me, all these doubts and insecurities I have about myself creeps in sometimes. What is there to love about me? Why would someone want to be with me? Those kind of questions.
The weekend was good. Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from a friend, Deb inviting me to her birthday. I've only hang out with her once so we really don't know too much about each other. It was great though, we went to Cap City Brewing Co and had a bite to eat and some drinks. I ended up giving her The Reader. I thought it was a really good book, and in an e-mail once she mentioned that we have the same taste with movies and books so kinda took a chance on this one but am glad she's loved it, per her e-mail. I met a few of her friends as well, her bf and even her brother. I spoke with her bro for a bit and we touched on music, school, amongst other things. The talk with him made me reconsider my options once again.
Before meeting up with Deb, the bf and I actually saw The Ten. It only came out in selected theaters and that movie is a riot! They made short stories for each of the Ten Commandments, and it was hysterical. It involved naked men, puppets, the lying rhino and even Jesus, or should I say Hesus. After the dinner and drinking with Deb, I met up with the bf and our friend and just went dancing for a bit at this club called Aqua. It was fun, I had a few drinks and just danced to a few songs. The drinks didn't get me drunk much, bummer hahaha !
Gotta do work but will come back for more later. Wow, it felt good to write again!
03 August 2007
Oh really.....
Your past life diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern South India around the year 1075. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You are bound to learn to understand other people and to meet all difficulties of life with a joyful heart. You should help others by bringing them a spirit of joy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern South India around the year 1075. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You are bound to learn to understand other people and to meet all difficulties of life with a joyful heart. You should help others by bringing them a spirit of joy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?
02 August 2007
It's De talking
Sooner or later, I have a feeling I will be found out by family and friends. I've been debating whether to change how I go about going things as far as what I write about, but decided I'll stick to what prompted me to write this blog.
I know it might come off odd since I'm a quiet guy in person and doesn't like talking about my feelings, yet turn right around and pour it all out in my posts. It's one of those things that I know that may not make sense, and yet I won't be able to explain either if you ask me in real life. Because we have face-to-face contact, some of the things I write in here may be surprising but I hope you won't get slighted in any way. Please realize that I'm not going to tell you every little thing running through my head and be understanding about it. It's not because I don't trust you or don't want to open up to you, but there's just some things I'd rather write about to get them off of my chest. I'm just not really used to talking about it things, and blogging is my way of letting things go, so to speak. I know it seems that I carry all this pain but I think it's quite the contrary if you know me in person. I try my best to bring a little sunshine to other people's lives, whether it be a smile or a simple act of kindness. It keeps me in check, and it's my way of paying back all the strangers that has helped me along this thing called life.
I get depressed sometimes... I feel sad, lonely and hurt like everybody does. Just because I write these feelings down doesn't mean I carry them with me all day and let it eat me up (which kinda happened these past few weeks). Writing about things has helped me cope, I realized after starting this two years ago. And seeing feedback from others who have gone through some things I'm going through makes me feel better. All I ask if that you respect what I've written here as my way of venting and not use it against me by throwring it in my face or belittle my feelings.
I'll always be a work in progress, and this is a way for me to keep myself in check and to learn from things even. It helps me to remember where I've been and what I've gone through.
I know it might come off odd since I'm a quiet guy in person and doesn't like talking about my feelings, yet turn right around and pour it all out in my posts. It's one of those things that I know that may not make sense, and yet I won't be able to explain either if you ask me in real life. Because we have face-to-face contact, some of the things I write in here may be surprising but I hope you won't get slighted in any way. Please realize that I'm not going to tell you every little thing running through my head and be understanding about it. It's not because I don't trust you or don't want to open up to you, but there's just some things I'd rather write about to get them off of my chest. I'm just not really used to talking about it things, and blogging is my way of letting things go, so to speak. I know it seems that I carry all this pain but I think it's quite the contrary if you know me in person. I try my best to bring a little sunshine to other people's lives, whether it be a smile or a simple act of kindness. It keeps me in check, and it's my way of paying back all the strangers that has helped me along this thing called life.
I get depressed sometimes... I feel sad, lonely and hurt like everybody does. Just because I write these feelings down doesn't mean I carry them with me all day and let it eat me up (which kinda happened these past few weeks). Writing about things has helped me cope, I realized after starting this two years ago. And seeing feedback from others who have gone through some things I'm going through makes me feel better. All I ask if that you respect what I've written here as my way of venting and not use it against me by throwring it in my face or belittle my feelings.
I'll always be a work in progress, and this is a way for me to keep myself in check and to learn from things even. It helps me to remember where I've been and what I've gone through.
25 July 2007
I feel like shit and trying not to dwell on it
Smiling makes you feel better about yourself, even if you don't feel like it - Lauraine Snelling
And through the tears, we'll smile when we recall, we had it all for just a moment. - St. Elmo's Fire
No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. - Sarah Ackerman
A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.
Smile, it's the second best thing one can do with one's lips.
Brighten the world with your smile.
A smile costs nothing, but gives much.
A smile is a little curve that sets a lot of things straight.
Smiles are free: don't save them.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to.
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity - Joseph Addison
A smile can open a heart faster than a key can open a door.
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
A smile confuses an approaching frown.~Author Unknown
People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.~Lee Mildon
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.~Phyllis Diller
The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.~Author Unknown
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.~W.C. Fields
Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.~Jim Beggs
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.~Charles Gordy
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.~Andy Rooney
If you smile at someone, they might smile back.~Author Unknown
Everyone smiles in the same language.~Author Unknown
If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine.~Author Unknown
I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.~Author Unknown
A laugh is a smile that bursts.~Mary H. Waldrip
Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.~Mother Teresa
A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile. ~Author Unknown
A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.~Washington Irving
A smile is the universal welcome.~Max Eastman
Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to.~Author Unknown
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. ~Janet Lane
All the statistics in the world can't measure the warmth of a smile. ~Chris Hart
If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile. ~Author Unknown
A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.~Author Unknown
The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." - St. Jerome
And through the tears, we'll smile when we recall, we had it all for just a moment. - St. Elmo's Fire
No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. - Sarah Ackerman
A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.
Smile, it's the second best thing one can do with one's lips.
Brighten the world with your smile.
A smile costs nothing, but gives much.
A smile is a little curve that sets a lot of things straight.
Smiles are free: don't save them.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to.
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity - Joseph Addison
A smile can open a heart faster than a key can open a door.
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
A smile confuses an approaching frown.~Author Unknown
People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.~Lee Mildon
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.~Phyllis Diller
The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.~Author Unknown
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.~W.C. Fields
Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.~Jim Beggs
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.~Charles Gordy
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.~Andy Rooney
If you smile at someone, they might smile back.~Author Unknown
Everyone smiles in the same language.~Author Unknown
If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine.~Author Unknown
I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.~Author Unknown
A laugh is a smile that bursts.~Mary H. Waldrip
Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.~Mother Teresa
A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile. ~Author Unknown
A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.~Washington Irving
A smile is the universal welcome.~Max Eastman
Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to.~Author Unknown
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. ~Janet Lane
All the statistics in the world can't measure the warmth of a smile. ~Chris Hart
If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile. ~Author Unknown
A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.~Author Unknown
The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." - St. Jerome
18 July 2007
I hope I won't have to hung my head
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You are my Sunshine
Sung by Norman Blake
Right-click and "save as"
I have yet to completely watch the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou? yet has the soundtrack for it. I think most people know the chorus at least, even I, but I never realized it was a sad song until hearing the full version. When I learn to play the guitar, this will be one I'd wannabe able to play.
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You are my Sunshine
Sung by Norman Blake
Right-click and "save as"
I have yet to completely watch the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou? yet has the soundtrack for it. I think most people know the chorus at least, even I, but I never realized it was a sad song until hearing the full version. When I learn to play the guitar, this will be one I'd wannabe able to play.
10 July 2007
Life....
(Started this yesterday afternoon) I asked the boss if I could leave early yesterday since the Comcast tech was coming by the apartment. They called me around 1:30, letting me know they'll be arriving within the next hour. It's almost 4 now and I have yet to hear back from them. It's been weeks since I've written, and I actually missed just being able to sit down and write. Things have been good for the most part so that might play a role too as to why I haven't been writing much. That, and I really haven't been alone lately, spending most of my time with Cs. It's been great with him, we just spend most of the time together. Watching DVD's, dinner, just laying in bed and talking. Some of you guys who I've chatted with know more than what I'm writing and maybe I'll keep just mum about it. Let's just say, I'm so much in a better place than I was before having met him :) I catch myself smiling even when I'm having a rough day at work knowing that Cs- is there for me. Such a really sweet guy that some of the things he says just makes me cry. I'm still working on trying to be more vocal about my feelings, but I told him that I hope he can still sense what I feel for him even if I don't say it outloud. He does, and this man (or am I still a boy?) is smiling because the boy I <3 makes him happy. I wish I would have written more on a day to day account but that might be a little too much.
Even my mom knows about Cs- as well. She in turn told my other aunt, and my aunt told my other aunt, and now the whole mom's side of the family knows about him already. Tita Akang, the aunt in Denmark, even spoke to him on the phone and welcomed him to the family. Cs said he was really touched hearing that. I was a bit surprised my aunt said that, but I'm glad they're welcoming Cs- with open arms. After the convo, Cs- jokingly said we're in this for the long run. That was this past Sunday when I called my aunt when we were going to Ikea in College Park. During the ride, I was on the phone most of the time with my tita. She was just going on about how happy she was I'm with someone, etc. I think even my Grandma knows, and to think it hasn't even been a month since I met Cs. During our conversation, my granda got brought up which as some of you knows passed away last summer. The relationship was just meh, we really weren't close to each other.
My tita said that our house help Aileen actually mentioned about the relationship. She told my aunt that before my grandpa's condition got worse, he was talking about a grandson he was really proud of. He told Aileen that it didn't matter to him to him that I was gay, he could care less about that. He said that he was really proud of me but didn't show it since he was worried that my other cousins would get jealous. And there I was, believing that my grandpa didn't care much. Just hearing her tell me this made me cry which is kinda odd. Normally, when my family says that they're proud of me, I sit there thinking "and what good does that do me?" It's not that I go around doing things trying to make them proud, I just do what I do.
I got to thinking about things yesterday, and how I felt unloved by my grandpa. But then, when I thought about how he took us in after my dad left. He provided food on the table, roof over our head and even spending money. Eventhough I've never really sat down with him, learning about things he went through, or hearing about his life, or some wisdom he can impart but then I didn't do that with the family, not even with my mom, I don't think. I mostly learned just by observing and keeping notes in my head on how to be and not to be. My grandpa never uttered the words I love you, but I guess the things he did was his way of saying that. We get so busy trying to illicit those three words sometimes that we miss out on the love that's already there. He used to drink a lot and get really verbally abusive, and sometimes even physically, well mostly my mom. Maybe seeing my mom's situation pained him, her being an unwed mother with a foreign child. I really can't say why. But when my dad finally got my citizenship all set up, and I could move to the US, my granddad was really happy. He even told me a little prayer to say on my very first flight to the states. Maybe he just wanted a better future for me, and he felt I can only accomplish that back in my homeland. It's funny when I think about it, how eventhough I'm mixed, they felt the US is where I really belonged, guess it has to do with my looks. Regardless, I'm just realizing that I did love my grandpa. It doesn't mean I accepted or condoned his mistreatment, or that I excused his faults and frailties. But loving is seeing them, accepting them, and loving them despite the things you might not like about them. I have faults of my own, so I'm glad people love me despite of it.
Aside from that, my mom will be flying in to DC this Saturday. I wouldn't say for good coz it might be for her, but not for me haha. I won't elaborate as to the reasons but things aren't really working out for her in Florida. It's annoying a little when she keeps saying how she should be with me, and not living with my aunt and uncle. I'd say Ummm, Noooo, get over with. But yet, she'll still be coming. It'll be better since she'll be able to get around even without a car. And I guess, now I won't have to worry about food since she can just cook for me and Cs-. I was joking with Cs- and asking him if he's sure he's in for the drama that is family, but he said he is, so this fella's for keeps. He offered to help get my mom situated, going with her to try to find her a job amongst other things. She's just gonna be staying at the old apartment I was staying. I've told one of the roommates and she's okay with it, though I have yet to talk to the other one. I'll have my mom stay at Virginia while I stay in DC so that should be enough of a buffer. I'll get to eat home-cooked meals again, yum yum. I'm just in denial that it'll be fine when she gets here. We'll get to take pictures, check out the sites in DC. Then later on once she gets situated, the rest of the fam from Norway and Denmark would all visit. How awesome is that! Cs- and I might even go to Denmark next year, crazy but my tita has my uncle looking up ticket prices next year for me and Cs-. I'm just amazed how everything fell right into place since I met him.
That's just about all that's going on. Gotta head out on the floor....
Even my mom knows about Cs- as well. She in turn told my other aunt, and my aunt told my other aunt, and now the whole mom's side of the family knows about him already. Tita Akang, the aunt in Denmark, even spoke to him on the phone and welcomed him to the family. Cs said he was really touched hearing that. I was a bit surprised my aunt said that, but I'm glad they're welcoming Cs- with open arms. After the convo, Cs- jokingly said we're in this for the long run. That was this past Sunday when I called my aunt when we were going to Ikea in College Park. During the ride, I was on the phone most of the time with my tita. She was just going on about how happy she was I'm with someone, etc. I think even my Grandma knows, and to think it hasn't even been a month since I met Cs. During our conversation, my granda got brought up which as some of you knows passed away last summer. The relationship was just meh, we really weren't close to each other.
My tita said that our house help Aileen actually mentioned about the relationship. She told my aunt that before my grandpa's condition got worse, he was talking about a grandson he was really proud of. He told Aileen that it didn't matter to him to him that I was gay, he could care less about that. He said that he was really proud of me but didn't show it since he was worried that my other cousins would get jealous. And there I was, believing that my grandpa didn't care much. Just hearing her tell me this made me cry which is kinda odd. Normally, when my family says that they're proud of me, I sit there thinking "and what good does that do me?" It's not that I go around doing things trying to make them proud, I just do what I do.
I got to thinking about things yesterday, and how I felt unloved by my grandpa. But then, when I thought about how he took us in after my dad left. He provided food on the table, roof over our head and even spending money. Eventhough I've never really sat down with him, learning about things he went through, or hearing about his life, or some wisdom he can impart but then I didn't do that with the family, not even with my mom, I don't think. I mostly learned just by observing and keeping notes in my head on how to be and not to be. My grandpa never uttered the words I love you, but I guess the things he did was his way of saying that. We get so busy trying to illicit those three words sometimes that we miss out on the love that's already there. He used to drink a lot and get really verbally abusive, and sometimes even physically, well mostly my mom. Maybe seeing my mom's situation pained him, her being an unwed mother with a foreign child. I really can't say why. But when my dad finally got my citizenship all set up, and I could move to the US, my granddad was really happy. He even told me a little prayer to say on my very first flight to the states. Maybe he just wanted a better future for me, and he felt I can only accomplish that back in my homeland. It's funny when I think about it, how eventhough I'm mixed, they felt the US is where I really belonged, guess it has to do with my looks. Regardless, I'm just realizing that I did love my grandpa. It doesn't mean I accepted or condoned his mistreatment, or that I excused his faults and frailties. But loving is seeing them, accepting them, and loving them despite the things you might not like about them. I have faults of my own, so I'm glad people love me despite of it.
Aside from that, my mom will be flying in to DC this Saturday. I wouldn't say for good coz it might be for her, but not for me haha. I won't elaborate as to the reasons but things aren't really working out for her in Florida. It's annoying a little when she keeps saying how she should be with me, and not living with my aunt and uncle. I'd say Ummm, Noooo, get over with. But yet, she'll still be coming. It'll be better since she'll be able to get around even without a car. And I guess, now I won't have to worry about food since she can just cook for me and Cs-. I was joking with Cs- and asking him if he's sure he's in for the drama that is family, but he said he is, so this fella's for keeps. He offered to help get my mom situated, going with her to try to find her a job amongst other things. She's just gonna be staying at the old apartment I was staying. I've told one of the roommates and she's okay with it, though I have yet to talk to the other one. I'll have my mom stay at Virginia while I stay in DC so that should be enough of a buffer. I'll get to eat home-cooked meals again, yum yum. I'm just in denial that it'll be fine when she gets here. We'll get to take pictures, check out the sites in DC. Then later on once she gets situated, the rest of the fam from Norway and Denmark would all visit. How awesome is that! Cs- and I might even go to Denmark next year, crazy but my tita has my uncle looking up ticket prices next year for me and Cs-. I'm just amazed how everything fell right into place since I met him.
That's just about all that's going on. Gotta head out on the floor....
28 June 2007
25 June 2007
It seems to me I'm having such a good time
Mom's finally here y'all. There was a bit of a confusion with her arrival date since with the itinerary she sent us, it actually had Philippines times instead of the US'. Here we were expecting her not 'til Sunday and she landed in Pensacola Saturday morning. I was on the phone with my aunt and uncle Saturday morning trying to figure out my mom's arrival, and have had to call the airlines to check what flight my mom was on. The woman I talked to actually gave me all the info I wanted, though when my uncle did the same, whoever he spoke to said they're not allowed to give out that information. I just found it funny that somehow when I want something, I usually get it but when the others do, whether it be a coworker or a family member, they get told that's it's not possible due to one reason or another.
I got to speak to her briefly on Saturday and she pretty much just told me she was starving since she hasn't eaten since the landed in LA. I called her last night and she sure had stories already. Ok, the airport in the Philippines wasn't big enough to require a train to get from one terminal to another. That wasn't the case at Dallas though. And my mom told me how she was trying to get through the doors when the train isn't ther yet. And she was just standing there, wondering why she can't open them. I just thought that was really funny.
Weekend was good. Friday night, I was just gonna stay home and take it slow, do laundry and chill. Cs- called though and was inviting me to a little get together at his friends', Ju- and Vi-'s house. They were the ones we had dinner with Thursday. They were just doing some grilling and Cs- asked if I'd want to join them. I was debating at first since I already had the laundry started. Ended up stopping it halfway and putting them in the dryer later that evening when I got back. It was nice, just hanging out with them and talking about stuff. I also got to meet La-, another friend of theirs. It was fun, Dreamgirls was playing in the background and we touched up on different things, psychology, sexuality, etc etc. They told me about an interesting documentary about these Vietnamese siblings that were adopted by an Black family (interesting for me at least) but can't remember the name of it. Texted La- to see if he can tell me what it was. Well, he just did and it actually isn't a documentary (T_T) It's a movie named Catfish in Black Bean Sauce.
We got to talking about my job too and they asked me if I'd considered doing it on the side. I told them that I haven't and they said I ought to so will maybe get some cards printed out. They'll be my first customers, though instead of paying me, they will cook up a meal for me or something. I liked them and am glad they liked me as well. Cs- told me last night that it's unusual for his friends to just invite a guy he's dating over for dinner, and he said that La- texted him after that evening and said I'm for keeps. Ok, I hope I don't sound too pompous but there was a whole convo that brought this up. I might touch up on it on another post.
That's it for now really. It's awesome how this past week has been great. My mom's finally here in the US and I'm seeing somebody. Well actually we're not even dating anymore, we're boyfriends now, a week after we first met. It'll take a little getting used to considering I'm almost 24 and Cs- is my first. Well, gotta go out on the floor to do work like I should be doing. I'm having a case of a mooondays..
Have a good Monday :)
I got to speak to her briefly on Saturday and she pretty much just told me she was starving since she hasn't eaten since the landed in LA. I called her last night and she sure had stories already. Ok, the airport in the Philippines wasn't big enough to require a train to get from one terminal to another. That wasn't the case at Dallas though. And my mom told me how she was trying to get through the doors when the train isn't ther yet. And she was just standing there, wondering why she can't open them. I just thought that was really funny.
Weekend was good. Friday night, I was just gonna stay home and take it slow, do laundry and chill. Cs- called though and was inviting me to a little get together at his friends', Ju- and Vi-'s house. They were the ones we had dinner with Thursday. They were just doing some grilling and Cs- asked if I'd want to join them. I was debating at first since I already had the laundry started. Ended up stopping it halfway and putting them in the dryer later that evening when I got back. It was nice, just hanging out with them and talking about stuff. I also got to meet La-, another friend of theirs. It was fun, Dreamgirls was playing in the background and we touched up on different things, psychology, sexuality, etc etc. They told me about an interesting documentary about these Vietnamese siblings that were adopted by an Black family (interesting for me at least) but can't remember the name of it. Texted La- to see if he can tell me what it was. Well, he just did and it actually isn't a documentary (T_T) It's a movie named Catfish in Black Bean Sauce.
We got to talking about my job too and they asked me if I'd considered doing it on the side. I told them that I haven't and they said I ought to so will maybe get some cards printed out. They'll be my first customers, though instead of paying me, they will cook up a meal for me or something. I liked them and am glad they liked me as well. Cs- told me last night that it's unusual for his friends to just invite a guy he's dating over for dinner, and he said that La- texted him after that evening and said I'm for keeps. Ok, I hope I don't sound too pompous but there was a whole convo that brought this up. I might touch up on it on another post.
That's it for now really. It's awesome how this past week has been great. My mom's finally here in the US and I'm seeing somebody. Well actually we're not even dating anymore, we're boyfriends now, a week after we first met. It'll take a little getting used to considering I'm almost 24 and Cs- is my first. Well, gotta go out on the floor to do work like I should be doing. I'm having a case of a mooondays..
Have a good Monday :)
22 June 2007
Birds suddenly appeared
Ok, I'm still on lunch so figured I'd post a bit. The callers were starting to get to me and I was getting really annoyed so just stepped out of the office and went across the street for lunch. It was nice out today, the sun is shining and the wind just felt right.
I just sat on the thing that borders the plants (I can't think of the English word for it sorry!) and had my lunch which was tasty chicken and white rice. After a while, there was maybe one or two birds that landed close to where I was sitting, and that's when the idea came to give them some of my meal. I tore bits and pieces of the chicken, but after a while realized it would be easier for them to eat the rice instead. I took a spoonful and kinda just spread them out on the ground and before ya know it, maybe 15 birds gathered and had a go at it. Ok, I'll admit that just watching the birds got me all teary eyed. I just thought about how animals seems to be at peace with existence. That's what I thought anyways. Ya know, as long as they have a food to eat and a nest or a home to go to, it's enough. They're not too worried about what their purpose is in this planet and seems to be content in just being.
It just made me think of The Carpenter's song, that's all. Why do birds suddenly appear? Well today, it served as a reminder to just drop my grievances and aspire to stay happy. I know, I know it's a love song and all but the first line felt like it applied today to how things are. 
I haven't updated since Monday but everything's been good otherwise. I've briefly written about Cs- and we've pretty much seen each other just about everyday since we met this weekend. He moved to a new apartment so I've been over at his old place helping him pack. During those times, we'd just sit down and just talk about random things. I'll admit I'm a bit freaked out with the things he says since it felt like he went inside my brain, and gathered my thoughts, wishes and aspirations and said it out loud. We make each other laugh, him laughing at my dorkiness. Gah, I guess I am a dork if few people have called me that. I just feel really at ease with Cs- and it's a great feeling. The one day we didn't see each other we spoke for a good hour and later ended up talking on messenger.
That's a first I've gone on a "date" almost daily. I really try not to call it that, I just think Yay, I'll get to see him today. It's great just getting to spend time with him. Last night, we went out to Old Town to have dinner with his two friends. I didn't realize we were going right after the move so I left my wallet, my keys and my cellphone behind. After a while, I kinda forgot about it. It was nice, just sitting with them and talking. Even grabbed some home-made ice cream at a store after the meal. I guess store-made ice cream will be more fitting.
Well, just a little update. My mom's on the plane as I write, getting here to LA this evening. From there, fly to Dallas before landing in Pensacola. I got to talk to her last night (noon in the Philippines) as they were getting ready. I jokingly said how I could imagine her at the airport bawling her eyes out. She laughed and told me to shut up but she knows it's true. I'm much of a crier as she is and before, when a family member would leave, all the family would tag along to see them leave. My mom would start crying and before you know it, so does the 10 or 15 others, me included. She told me how she's not wearing make up since she didn't wanna look like a clown.
Ya know, it's been a good week overall really and I'm closing with a smile. Have a good weekend, whoever you are and keep on smiling.
18 June 2007
Told myself I wouldn't go
My mom's flight is pretty much finalized. I've sent her what she needed for the plane ticket the past week but didn't get to talk her ever since so figured I'd call at least. I was planning to just call maybe for about 5 minutes but of course, that didn't happen. I ended up speaking with her for a good hour until the phone card ran out.
She's excited about her move though at the same time, there's loneliness that's starting to creep in. I think knowing you're going to leave everything familiar behind, and moving to a foreign land where the only one you'd know nearby will be your sister. Having lived in the Philippines for pretty much her whole life, 48 years and counting, it'll be a complete shock but like I've been telling her, this is her choice and there will be no turning back this time around unlike what she did in Japan.
We just touched on random things, about how my grandma was a bit sad with my mom leaving. I guess I could say that my mom has been a glue to the family. With my grandma going back in forth to Norway, my mom wass the one who's had to take care of my grandpa when he was living. If they want something ask Ana to get it. If they need something, have Ana do it. Ok, I'll admit sometimes that I thought it was stupid for her doing everything for the family. And when I say that thought outloud, sometimes she'd agree but she'll always say, it's family De. She tells me that it's pretty much her way of showing gratitude to them for everything they did for us, but I ask isn't there a time when it has to stop. I guess it doesn't. Either that, or she just loves the family enough to do what she can. We kinda got to talking about me as well. I told her that it's not really her fault that I'm gay. I don't think you can pinpoint this or that which made me the way I am, but it's just the way I am.
I was laughing since she was joking around how I'm still a virgin. Sometimes I'd randomnly blurt it out when I'm talking to her, and she'll say "Oh yeah? Where? In your ears!?" I was teary one minute, and laughing the next. She'll be flying in this upcoming Sunday but I won't get to be there with school and everything. She was hoping I could be in Florida and I'll just say, gosh I just saw you a year ago but at the same time, thinking it would have been good to be there. The phone call cheered up my day.
This weekend I told myself I wouldn't go to DC for a change since I've pretty much been going the past a month and a half now. I was tired after getting home from work, having slept only 3 hours the previous night. I went to Old Town with someone and walked around, then caught Knocked Up for the second time around. I didn't even get to eat anything for dinner, unless Ben and Jerry's ice cream counts. I got to try Chocolate Therapy and it is just so good, guess the name is fitting.
I pretty much slept Friday night away passing out in my bed around 6. Getting woken up around 9 by a phone call, then falling right back to sleep afterwards. Waking up at 1, eating dinner, trying to watch a movie but not finishing it and going right back to sleep. This weekend was all about being lazy or so I thought.
Got up Saturday and went running since I haven't been going to to the gym the past few weeks. I tried calling the family but none of them was answering their phones (T_T) Tidied up my room, and eventually just stepped out to get some groceries. On the way home, I stopped by a nursery to try to get a plant but ended up with a cactus for now. I was considering getting orchids but the person who can tell me how to take care of it was gone for the day. I told myself I'll just come back. I eventually got in when one of the roommates texted and said he was home.
Grabbed all my groceries and when I tried to go back in to the apartment, that's when I realized I forgot my house key. I usually tie it in my shoelace when I go running but this morning, forgot to put it back on the keychain after getting back in. Texted my roommates but they were all out. I ended up being locked out for a good three hours during which I went to the mall, and was trying some clothes since cuzz suggested I might as well go out instead of just doing nothing. I texted and called a few people to see if I can kill time at their place but alas, nobody answered. That sucked. I really need to make more friends.
I got in, and grabbed some lager beer to kinda shake the weird feeling off. I know, I know not the healthiest route to go. I ended up getting on one of the sites and eventually chatted with Cs- that lived over in DC. The idea of meeting came up about and I said sure, though we agreed to go to a neutral place somewhere in the Dupont area. I picked him up and made our way out to Annie's. We parked a few blocks away so walked instead to get there. The weather was just right, and it felt nice to just be out and about under the moon.
We didn't get to talk too much at the steak house since we get planked by two guys on both sides that we end up chatting with. One was really drunk it was just kinda funny when he asked for a kiss from both of us. And the other, who was telling us how his trip was earlier that day at a stadium that was being built. I was blushing a bit since the drunk guy kept making remarks about how he likes his meat and stuff. It was an interesting evening. I even got involved in a chase since the drunk guy left without paying for his meal, and I think it came up to about $30. Poor waiter.
We just walked around some more and eventually made our way down to the Dupont Circle and sat around for a while. Just talking about stuff, getting to know each other. Looking up at the sky trying to find the constellations. It was a really nice and something I would not have expected since I wasn't supposed to go to DC. We were out 'til about 3 and made my way home after dropping him off at his apartment. I had signed up for some volunteer thing Sunday so told him that I'm gonna be in the area again come afternoon.
Well, got up and was greeted by a text from Cs-. He's picked up some Tagalog so he was texting in mixed English and Tagalog which was cute. He's Puerto Rican, not that it matters but I guess speaking Spanish helped. He's funny, he's got jokes and he's a nice guy from what i can assess through our conversation. I didn't have to be in DC 'til around 3 so figured I'll just iron my clothes until then. Cs- was gonna go down by the circle again and just read. After I started ironing, I got to thinking how why would I rather be ironing when I can just leave by then and see him. So I texted and asked if I can join him. During which, I went ahead and took a shower and got ready. Can you imagine if he would said no!? I would have felt like an atheist that just died, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
She's excited about her move though at the same time, there's loneliness that's starting to creep in. I think knowing you're going to leave everything familiar behind, and moving to a foreign land where the only one you'd know nearby will be your sister. Having lived in the Philippines for pretty much her whole life, 48 years and counting, it'll be a complete shock but like I've been telling her, this is her choice and there will be no turning back this time around unlike what she did in Japan.
We just touched on random things, about how my grandma was a bit sad with my mom leaving. I guess I could say that my mom has been a glue to the family. With my grandma going back in forth to Norway, my mom wass the one who's had to take care of my grandpa when he was living. If they want something ask Ana to get it. If they need something, have Ana do it. Ok, I'll admit sometimes that I thought it was stupid for her doing everything for the family. And when I say that thought outloud, sometimes she'd agree but she'll always say, it's family De. She tells me that it's pretty much her way of showing gratitude to them for everything they did for us, but I ask isn't there a time when it has to stop. I guess it doesn't. Either that, or she just loves the family enough to do what she can. We kinda got to talking about me as well. I told her that it's not really her fault that I'm gay. I don't think you can pinpoint this or that which made me the way I am, but it's just the way I am.
I was laughing since she was joking around how I'm still a virgin. Sometimes I'd randomnly blurt it out when I'm talking to her, and she'll say "Oh yeah? Where? In your ears!?" I was teary one minute, and laughing the next. She'll be flying in this upcoming Sunday but I won't get to be there with school and everything. She was hoping I could be in Florida and I'll just say, gosh I just saw you a year ago but at the same time, thinking it would have been good to be there. The phone call cheered up my day.
This weekend I told myself I wouldn't go to DC for a change since I've pretty much been going the past a month and a half now. I was tired after getting home from work, having slept only 3 hours the previous night. I went to Old Town with someone and walked around, then caught Knocked Up for the second time around. I didn't even get to eat anything for dinner, unless Ben and Jerry's ice cream counts. I got to try Chocolate Therapy and it is just so good, guess the name is fitting.
I pretty much slept Friday night away passing out in my bed around 6. Getting woken up around 9 by a phone call, then falling right back to sleep afterwards. Waking up at 1, eating dinner, trying to watch a movie but not finishing it and going right back to sleep. This weekend was all about being lazy or so I thought.
Got up Saturday and went running since I haven't been going to to the gym the past few weeks. I tried calling the family but none of them was answering their phones (T_T) Tidied up my room, and eventually just stepped out to get some groceries. On the way home, I stopped by a nursery to try to get a plant but ended up with a cactus for now. I was considering getting orchids but the person who can tell me how to take care of it was gone for the day. I told myself I'll just come back. I eventually got in when one of the roommates texted and said he was home.
Grabbed all my groceries and when I tried to go back in to the apartment, that's when I realized I forgot my house key. I usually tie it in my shoelace when I go running but this morning, forgot to put it back on the keychain after getting back in. Texted my roommates but they were all out. I ended up being locked out for a good three hours during which I went to the mall, and was trying some clothes since cuzz suggested I might as well go out instead of just doing nothing. I texted and called a few people to see if I can kill time at their place but alas, nobody answered. That sucked. I really need to make more friends.
I got in, and grabbed some lager beer to kinda shake the weird feeling off. I know, I know not the healthiest route to go. I ended up getting on one of the sites and eventually chatted with Cs- that lived over in DC. The idea of meeting came up about and I said sure, though we agreed to go to a neutral place somewhere in the Dupont area. I picked him up and made our way out to Annie's. We parked a few blocks away so walked instead to get there. The weather was just right, and it felt nice to just be out and about under the moon.
We didn't get to talk too much at the steak house since we get planked by two guys on both sides that we end up chatting with. One was really drunk it was just kinda funny when he asked for a kiss from both of us. And the other, who was telling us how his trip was earlier that day at a stadium that was being built. I was blushing a bit since the drunk guy kept making remarks about how he likes his meat and stuff. It was an interesting evening. I even got involved in a chase since the drunk guy left without paying for his meal, and I think it came up to about $30. Poor waiter.
We just walked around some more and eventually made our way down to the Dupont Circle and sat around for a while. Just talking about stuff, getting to know each other. Looking up at the sky trying to find the constellations. It was a really nice and something I would not have expected since I wasn't supposed to go to DC. We were out 'til about 3 and made my way home after dropping him off at his apartment. I had signed up for some volunteer thing Sunday so told him that I'm gonna be in the area again come afternoon.
Well, got up and was greeted by a text from Cs-. He's picked up some Tagalog so he was texting in mixed English and Tagalog which was cute. He's Puerto Rican, not that it matters but I guess speaking Spanish helped. He's funny, he's got jokes and he's a nice guy from what i can assess through our conversation. I didn't have to be in DC 'til around 3 so figured I'll just iron my clothes until then. Cs- was gonna go down by the circle again and just read. After I started ironing, I got to thinking how why would I rather be ironing when I can just leave by then and see him. So I texted and asked if I can join him. During which, I went ahead and took a shower and got ready. Can you imagine if he would said no!? I would have felt like an atheist that just died, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
15 June 2007
Hey you
I just thought about you guys and girls, and umm... knowing you brings a smile on my face. Thanks for that. Have a good day! Me sincerely
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