Suddenly Tuesday

 Welp! So much for making blogging my goal while I went home. For the abridged version, I went back to the Philippines with a one-way ticket and been here 2.5 months now. I've been meaning to come back for a while but just kept stalling it. Then finally closer to fall, having left a job before Covid hit, and not having picked up a new one out of choice, I hopped on a plane bound to Manila. 

It felt like I've hit a wall in a sense being in the US for 20 years, and career-wise, I was having a hard time reconciling continuing my career choice after high school. More on that later. 

It's definitely nice being here and having disposable 'income.' I missed the lifestyle some and the food for sure. I've visited my childhood homes, seen old neighbors and friends, classmates, reminiscing and hearing about how I was when I was younger. 

Funny to think I was the quiet, bookworm kid in the neighborhood but apparently that was not the case. A  lot of neighbors' memories was me just running around the streets, playing street games, hide and seek, football, etc with my trademark curly hair and white wife-beater shirts or sando, as we call them. 

I initially rented out a condo my first month here in the city, close to where I grew up for sake of familiarity. Definitely did a lot of walking, going to the fresh market to get breakfast, visiting our old homes to see how it might have changed over the years. The memories just came flooding, as I walk the streets I used to walk by myself, or with friends. I just visited my grandma for a day or two here and there, but eventually they were calling every other day which was a tad annoying so I ultimately did not extend my condo stay and moved in with her at their house an hour away from the city. 

It's a coincidence she happened to be here since she otherwise lives in Norway. I was shooting for her to not be here but alas, that wasn't what ended up happening. She's 84 now, and granted she's still doing good for her age, can't really take her to my excursions since I practically just walk and walk, exploring since I can't really travel due to the lockdowns in the other parts of the country. 

It's great otherwise, getting to eat her cooking everyday. She made sure to cook all my favorite dishes, along with making flan which was something I only got to eat thrice a year. It's a struggle at times since the boss/independent part of me wants to do things a certain way, but I hid it away while I'm here which can be hard. Such a delicate balance trying to maintain.

Staying with her on this go, it's interesting to see where some of my traits that I picked up subconsciously pops up and glares right at my face. Some of it can be cultural however, with Filipinos being more of a group-think vs you thinking of yourself as an individual. Other families might have done better with it, but with mine, they tend to have a habit of saying the opposite of what they mean, and you're just supposed to pick up on that. Hiding secrets which I have been guilty of, and still am to this day. 

Partly why I wanted to get away as well. I was hoping I can observe from my current life from a distance, and see it from the outside looking in. Hasn't quite happened yet haha, might need help from a therapist like I used to. Of course, no matter what decisions I'm making, or refusing to make, things are still happening and I'm affecting things either way.